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User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is anyone PM/Helping Lost? I am worried about her.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone. I've been staying away intentionally to see if I can live like there was no affair, no multiples, no lost years... and I found out I can't. I even cancelled a second MC session, told H he didn't have to do IC any more, I postponed my appt. Didn't help.

I have printed out that article and I'm going to go over it with a fine tooth comb for our next MC appt. fnf pointed to two lines in it that ring true for both LH and myself and they need to be addressed.

I've been immersing myself in my son's college transfer and job search. And working on my D's graduation party. Looking for a job myself... and I applied for one I really hope I get this time. The temp agency called me and offered me a job working a convention all weekend for like $10 an hour and I turned them down. But even that offer was disheartening.

My H just installed the new Google maps and it offers street views. I knew I was lost when this morning I spent 45 minutes "driving" through the Chinatown area looking for the places he frequented... trying to see if I could pick them out among the other innocuous looking places. No luck. And it's supposed to be real time so I was hoping to catch a glimpse of a hooker or two too, but according to him, I wouldn't know they were even if I saw them.

He's in crisis about his job... not sure he's cut out for it, working long hours and even at home and we've had no down time for weeks. I put my back out on Monday either from the Sunday morning (ho-hum) sex or the weight lifting at the gym. He told me I'd have to give up one or the other, his exact words were "I'd rather have you fat than broken". Took me right back to "why" he said he started his affairs in the first place. He doesn't "get" why, of course.

Blood test results were bad, sugar's up, cholesterol is up, he even put me on medication. No diagnosis on the numbness, just a wait and see kind of thing and I've starting smoking a little again.

H is definately getting on my nerves with his attitude about everything. And I just feel like asking him if I'll "ever look, act, think, do whatever, however to please him at any time, ever." And if I can't, he can't accept ME for me with all my faults and problems, then HE needs to go.

And I just missed you guys. I really hated coming back and seeing that others have taken a downturn. I don't feel like I have, but I'm definately on the lethal plain right now.

So what are we all going to do for US this weekend? I know I'm hitting the gym early tomorrow at the very least to avoid a possible sexual confrontation. And I'm going to get back on the no smoking thing again. Right now I'm headed to the video store to rent something I want to see and my SIL is meeting some friends at Barnaby's tonight... I may just join them.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Shirley and NAS.

Update
we talked again, I cried, he left, he came back, we talked, I cried, he left.
Then i called him and told him to come upstairs.

Basically this is what he said:
He said that he didnt have time to think before she was already hugging him and then everyone was watching and he didnt know what to do.

He said that he doesnt want out of the M. But i am going to have to accpet that he will slip up every now and then and that I cant expect him to get it right every time. That me crying and screaming doesnt do anyone any good.That we do the same thing everytime and we never seem to learn from our mistakes. That he cant keep doing this dance everytime. he's worn out.

I told me to help me make this decisin=on to carry on or not.This is our family, and if he wants out or he cant cope with all these rules, then say it and let us end this properly w/o all this pain.Cos I am so tapped out. I said I can give him some time (2 weeks) to do what he needs to do, cos right now, i cant believe whats coming out of his mouth, and if we say look at his actions, then his actions say that we are not his priority.

However the kids were gettng hungry. HE said that since we seemed to have reached a point where we were talking nicely, that maybe we should stop now and restart later.

I also asked him why didnt he ask me about my hospital visit instead of reading about it here.
He said that he thought that the M was oever and he just couldnt.He reacted by just shutting down on everything.

Am I being snowwashed here?
Is this man genuine?

I dont trust my judgment anymore.

I remember my parents fighting and my dad really abusing my mum. We would go in after and try to make her feel better. She would be in bruises etc. And he would come in later with a cup of tea or bottle of perfume and the next thing we knew, they would be all lovey again..and I would wonder wtf happened there? Is she so gullible that she cant see through him?

He is being so nice now and I would so love to pretend that nothing happened.But I just cant.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Shirley - I was away for a few hours. Have you heard from LH? I didn't pm her so I wasn't expecting any pm's.
I am very worried about her right now. Some FWS's just don't seem to get how their continued self-absorbed behavior is so confusing and hurtful to an already hurting BS. Mr. LH seems to be more worried about his feelings than hers - this is not the way to resolve her fears or the current situation - why can't he get this?????
The number 1 problem that my H and I still have is that whenever I get in one of my funks he gets defensive. As many times as our MC has advised, insisted and suggested that he not do this, my H still falls into this mode of behavior. I think when our S's do this they think they can bully us into backing down. Instead, they create more problems when they could have so easily resolved them if they responded appropriately. BTW, your RWS responses were spot on! I hope Mr. LH reads these and follows the examples you set forth.
Weepy - good to see you again. You mentioned that I pointed to two lines that you want to cover in MC'ing. Which lines were they if you don't mind my asking? I loved this article and copied for my H to read. Actually, I "graded" him and he got pretty high scores except in the defensive category. He did get a kick out of my notations.
Good for you that you are taking better care of you. As for my weekend, I'll be in the kitchen tomorrow. My H's birthday is coming up and my girls are coming home to celebrate. I'm making a paella (my favorite as well as his) so even though I hate the mess, I absolutely love the dish. Some things are worth working for (and that can be taken in several ways).
LH - please try to check in. We are here if you need some hugs or just caring ears to listen.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 3:12 PM, May 2nd (Friday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Fnf. I am ok, thanks.

And Shirley, your H said that...
They were perfect...just perfect.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, LH, I have to be honest here. Wat should he have done when she went to hug him? I just can't picture a good reaction that would not have made a ver awkward moment for all. I bet he did kind of freak out and nt know what to do so he just went with it. He didn't initiate it and you were right there. I honestly think he freaked out and then got very defensive about it. Reminds me very, very much of my wh. They have had these same patterns of behavior forever. It is going to take some time and practice to change them.

He should have immediately turned to you adn whispered that he was sorry, he didn't knwo what to do when she went to hug him. Made it clear he screwed up but felt backed in a corner and didn't know what to do.

He wants to be married to you. He is trying. I just believe that from what you have said. But you have fallen in to the same patterns of communication that are not working. I think he was right to end it while you were both still civil.

I totally understand being hurt and upset. But I do think he loves you and wants to e married to you adn I don't think he was intentionally breaking a promise. I think he just didn't know what to do and made the wrong choice.

Just my two cents (that you asked for lol).


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH - looks like we were both posting at the same time. It's so hard to know what to make of this. I can say that whenever I have mentioned the "D" word, my H has behaved very badly. There is a protective shield that he puts up - almost a "you can't hurt me, I'll leave you first" kind of knee-jerk reaction. Our MC always talks about the "protector self" in all of us and suggested that this is what my H's reaction is all about - trying to protect himself from the pain of a possible D.
It's like they put up this tough front but underneath is this fear of rejection, abandonment and loss of our love - the same things we fear.
Perhaps with the children getting hungry this is the best thing for you both right now. Let all emotions settle down and come together when the raw pain and hurt are less severe. Wishing you peace and clarity.
(((LH)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been staying away intentionally to see if I can live like there was no affair, no multiples, no lost years...

Weepy, how could that in anyway be possible IRL?

((((Weepy))))

Unfort their A's and those lost years are part and parcel of you. The way I understand it, is that if we do this R thing right, their part in us will always be there but will get smaller and smaller as new years of memories start taking up their place. I am not being very eloquent (its been a hectic day here ...but you know what I mean)

Weepy, your health doesnt sound so good. Take care of yourself ok?High Sugar and cholestrol levels are very doable concerns to address!!So no excuses!

Funny story:
Yesterday IC was doing this EMDR and we got to where I realised that I was "seeing " both OW when H was hugging this lady.
And I had a mini light bulb. I have always thought that H preferred v slim, short, petite women with short hair (I am the opposite on all accounts) whilst this lady and OW1 and OW2 (although she had long hair)were these types. And I also said how when he suggested I cut my hair short aftr we M'd, i thought it was him trying to make me like them (lady and OW1). And then I cried out, "But I am never going to be like them" and then Ic said incredulously,"You want to be short?!", there was a 2 second silence, and we both burst out laughing.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((LH))) I just wrote a really long post to you and lost it!

Anyway, I am so glad you are okay. I was really worried about you. I am glad you got to a place of civility with your h. FNF is right...maybe you should take a breather especially since it is getting late there.

I hope your H reads what a RWS would say and see that it is all about putting your needs (and the family's needs) first. No more selfishness. No more defensiveness. He should be thanking you every day for the opportunity to spend one more day with you and the family.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks SoL and Fnf.

Yes, I did ask SoL.(smartypants ).

You know I am not a very touchy touchy person with other people and I DO NOT touch men (not H though...lol), nor do I like them touching me. I have always been like this. But I have had numerous occassions when men have tried to hug me and I give them a half hug, no matter how hard they try to get close. I either pull back and keep so our bodies dont actually touch, or I sometimes just brush them off. And H is the same way. Even if other men are hugging the women, he might either nod or shake hands. We dont hug non family people. She hugged him, he could have pulled back, but he didnt. He stepped forward and close the gap. He reciprocated. It was right in front of me and it wasnt a quick one either.

What could he have done? He could have pulled back. he could have stuck his hand out. He could have slapped her across her face, utter, "How dare you??!!"
He could have turned around and deflected it in some way. Any way. He could have grabbed me (I was right next to him)and pulled me in.
There are other options.

But like I said, it is not just about the hug, or just about this lady. Its much more than that. Its about putting me and this M first above everything else which includes his pride, his ego, how he looks in front of people, hurting a woman that he might never see again...that is what its about. Cos, for petes sake, he has put me last for too long and on too many occassions.

He has a favourite saying that this (R)has to work for both of us. yes, it does. But BUT BUT BUT BUT
I and the kids MUST come first every time. It needs to work for me first and foremost.Cos I sure as heck try to put him first.

***
DS bought a WII fit for himself. he was hoping to get it for his bday and when he didnt, gathered up his savings and decided to get it on his own.
So I am trying to suck up to him, cos this wii-fit is "wicked!".
I may never have to join the gym
And it gave me my fitness age :41!
Its new so it has a thing or 2 to learn about me yet.

Thank you all of you for holding me today and this whole week to be honest.

Ps.somebody once asked me how can I post my feelings so openly here...that dont I feel ashamed when I later go back and read what I read?

I told her that yes I do feel ashamed about some of the things that I have done which I write here. But it doesnt matter cos I know by the pm's I get now and then, that there are people who are lurking that feel too ashamed/shy to post, who read my post and identify, or take away some thing from all the responses.

So even though I feel like deleting the above posts, I wont. Its shaming to see oneself crash like that in public, but if helps someone, then thats ok.

I love you guys.

Goodnight.

PPS. Thats ok, Shirley.
Have a good weekend. I hope I didnt trigger you.And thank Mr Shirley for me too. I wish I could him together with Mr LH!

[This message edited by Lost Heart at 4:00 PM, May 2nd (Friday)]


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told her that yes I do feel ashamed about some of the things that I have done which I write here. But it doesnt matter cos I know by the pm's I get now and then, that there are people who are lurking that feel too ashamed/shy to post, who read my post and identify, or take away some thing from all the responses.

Ummmmmm, do these people not realize that this is an anonymous forum
for a reason!!!!

And, do not be ashamed. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your H does, you do not.

I don't know about you but *talking* to all of you here has given me the courage to open up to some people IRL. Also, it makes me know that this is survivable whether my M survives or not.

(((((((Tribe)))))))


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH, I agree with everything you wrote. But here's the thing...that is assuming that he can think like a rationale human and not an adulterous man. They have notshown good judgement to beginwith. I think the hug is something to mov past. I just don't think it had as much meaning for him as you give it. Does it suck and hurt and woudl I be furious? Hell yeah! But I think it is not worth throwing th e marriage away. i do think he lves you.

I agree. Our feelings are awful adn hard to read and make us sad but I am never ashamed of what I write...I felt what I felt. It is what it is.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:08 AM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all.

Thank you again all of you for yesterday. This drama is by no means over. We need something worthwhile to come out of this pain, so maybe it will give us the backass kick to do something constructive. BT has given me the idea of a Imago weekend. I am sure he has discussed this with his IC, and I am curious to see where he will go with this.

I am off for a day of mall'ing with my sisters and mum. Mum and I have been a bit cool with each other. She phoned me early the next morning (afer the dinner) to say that she didnt like what happ the night before etc. and what was going to happen now, and when I told her that iro what happens, I KNOW that the kids and I will be fine, she answered she knows that, but she is also very concerned about H, and ho will he be fine. She still, IMHO, puts him ahead of me. She still sees him as her dear nocandowrong SIL, who needs protecting. He brings that out in some women (me inclu).

Sigh. So we have both been warned by the sisters to stay off difficult topics.

I know this is a horroble horrible thing to say, and I love my mum, but I cant help but think what it would be like to have a mum like FNF, who you know will put you first over your H.

Anyhow, have a good day everyone. Take it easy at the gym, Weepy!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the most hurtful parts of d-day for me was my family's reaction. Unfortunately, my H decided to finally confess by phone while I was on vacation with the kids at my parent's bay house. Since I fell apart completely, it was impossible to pretend there was nothing wrong. When he had joined us and we told them about the affair, their first response was to hug my husband and tell him everything was going to be all right.

That reaction -- which was so shocking to me -- actually turned out to be a gift in the end. It forced me to look at not just my husband, but my parents as they really are, not as I wanted them to be. It broke my denial all over the place about everything. And that allowed me to enter counseling with a much more open mind about delving into my childhood and how I got to be the way I was.

Lost, I'm sorry you never had a mom who was completely in your corner. I never did either and I wonder often how different I would be and my life would be if I had.

You know, Lost, after reading your report of the discussion between you and H, I'm wondering whether it was setting your guys up for failure to try to prevent a hug between him and this woman. She was someone he had known since childhood and hadn't seen for many years. I can't think of anyone in that position that I wouldn't have hugged, can you? And such a hug would have meant little or nothing to me. Yet, I can't imagine a graceful way to get out of a hug from such a person.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cant help but think what it would be like to have a mum like FNF, who you know will put you first over your H.

What a sweet thing to say, LH, but in all honesty, I have my flaws though different from your mother's. I don't know if I ever told you this but my mother is very much like yours in this area. When I told her what my H did, she said to me, "Why are you making such a big deal over this, it was only sex." I was shocked and hurt beyond words. Then, after several months of me still crying (imagine that!) she said one day, "Get over yourself!" Again, I was hurt and shocked and couldn't understand why she was so unsympathetic. I would have wanted to hang the bastard who hurt one of mine like this. The final straw for me was the day we were out to lunch with my sister and she actually said she felt sorry for the OW. "Imagine her putting all that time into a relationship with him and he walks away. I feel sorry for her." My sister and I looked at her like she was the cruelest person on earth. I had to walk away for fear that I would start screaming and crying and cursing at her. To this day, I cannot figure out why she has said or felt these things and it is beyond hurtful. So maybe, just maybe, I am being for myself the kind of mother I wish mine was for me and you are seeing that in me and wishing the same.
Maybe that's the point then, that when we have mom's like this we need to stop wishing for them to be different and start being our own best, most loving mum to ourself. That's what I've been doing and if you need me to be a surrogate mom here, you know I am only too happy to do that. Love and hugs to you.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting. I wonder how many of us LTA spouses have mothers like that.

Anyone else care to share?


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guess since no one on either side of our family knows about H's antics, I have no basis to know whether or not someone would have supported or abandoned me. I would suppose my mother would have had the immediate "toss him out" reaction since that's what she did to my father. And I'm going to suppose that HIS mother would support him because "he was always the broken one" in the family and she warned me about "watching" him. The whole thing would have been my fault in her eyes for not "watching" him closer.

I just find that I really don't like him any more. I am really just tolerating his presence in our lives right now. Inside of an hour this morning he started two "things" with me. One when I asked a simple question (and the reason I don't ask them) whether he'd be home between his trip to the bank and his IC appt. See it was a "stupid" question because .... well, I don't know why it was, but he took the check for the IC with him when he left the house.. natural assumption I thought that he was going right there. But he "couldn't leave the check at home while he went to the bank because "someone" might move it from where he left it. I was the only one home (and I was even headed to the gym) so I can't imagine who he meant.

When I came home, an invitation to my niece's graduation party was in the mailbox. H said "her party is going to be the same day as our DD's" and I said "no, SIL already gave me the date. Its already on the calendar." Well, she changed the date. H said "You must have made a mistake about the date." So I called my brother, he confirmed the original date. And H said "I never said you made a mistake". Denied completely even saying it and it was like 20 seconds later. I didn't "mis-hear".

He's gone to IC and I'm sure everything is going to be "just great" with him except for his uncertainty about his job. Don't know how I'm going to avoid him the rest of the day.

Sending out strength to all who need it, prayers for all who need them and power to those feeling powerless...


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she is also very concerned about H, and ho will he be fine. She still, IMHO, puts him ahead of me. She still sees him as her dear nocandowrong SIL, who needs protecting.

their first response was to hug my husband and tell him everything was going to be all right.

When I told her what my H did, she said to me, "Why are you making such a big deal over this, it was only sex." I was shocked and hurt beyond words. Then, after several months of me still crying (imagine that!) she said one day, "Get over yourself!" Again, I was hurt and shocked and couldn't understand why she was so unsympathetic.

OMG, unfathomable, and this one just really blows my mind. I don't know how you kept your cool, fnf. I truly don't.

The final straw for me was the day we were out to lunch with my sister and she actually said she felt sorry for the OW. "Imagine her putting all that time into a relationship with him and he walks away. I feel sorry for her."

At first I wanted to shout from the rooftops what a major f-tard H had been, but then I got ahold of myself and realized I could regret it in the end. I have been very selective in who I've shared this info with. I told three friends, who have been supportive. I finally told one of my brothers on my last visit with family in PA. He told me how sorry he was that I had to go through that, if there was anything he could do, and he would support me no matter what. He remained fairly neutral about H, which I was grateful for at this juncture.

Pardon me, while I blow off some steam this am. Yesterday, I went to pick up DD at school after class trip to amusement park. She gets in the car, and tells me she has something she wants to talk to me about. She immediately goes into tears. DD isn't nowhere near the waterworks factory that I am so I know this is serious. She proceeds to tell me that her bf of a little over a year cheated on her (kissing and groping) the previous night at a party with another girl. BF was did confess at least. Bearing in mind that DD is the one that discovered her Dad's A, and this young man, who was a close friend at the time, is the first person she shared this info with. He has similar background, but his F ultimately abandoned the family. When DD and bf become a couple a few months after Dday, she told him specifically not to do such a thing as it would be doubly devastating to her after what she had been through. Needless to say this is trigger city for both she and I. Watching her yesterday was just so emotionally draining. Listening to her was like a replay of Dday. "WHY and HOW could he do this to me??" Poor thing.

After we get home, she goes to our bedroom and watches TV and cries. A little later, H walks by the bedroom notices that she is in there. She had cried herself to sleep at this point. She initially had asked me not tell him. She wanted to do it. However, he asks me if she is OK, and I can't help but fall apart. I tell him what happened. He proceeds to say that this was his greatest fear, and I think to myself, wow he has come aways, he realizes the damage he has caused. BUT, NO, he goes on to say he was concerned about her getting hurt because she got so emotionally involved with this kid rather than just dating boys casually at her age (17 but a senior getting ready to graduate). Needless to say, after he explains himself. I can barely speak. When I tell him whats on my mind about the damage he caused, he seems to get po'd. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? I guess he thinks since he's been supposedly Model H and Dad since Dday, all is well...

[This message edited by Steelergal at 11:22 AM, May 3rd (Saturday)]


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
snowbaby796
♀ Member
Member # 13882
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lost heart, what bothers me about what your WH said is that you will have to accept that he will slip up every now and then and you can't expect him to get it right every time, but you can't cry and scream because he can't do this dance he is worn out.
Excuse me? I feel too bad if he is worn out, he caused this mess! And, why should he not be expected to get it right but when he messes up again, you have to act right because your reaction bothers him? It's like he expects you to have more consideration for his feelings, be more accepting of his mistakes and not expect too much of him, but you need to be perfect because he is worn out. I think that is very inconsiderate of your feelings. If he feels he can make mistakes and you should be accepting and forgiving then why doesn't he need to allow you to make mistakes and be accepting and forgiving to you too??

Steelergal, ur WH's reaction to your DD's bf is ridiculus! Like the fact that the bf cheated is okay?? Like it is your DD's fault for being so emotinally involved? I think all WS should think cheating in any form is wrong!! His reaction is as if he is accepting of cheating or something. Strange.

And {{{weepy}}} just hugs to you. I don't know how you keep going, I honestly don't.


"Betrayal of yourself is still betrayal nonetheless, it is the highest betrayal" Neale Donald Walsch
"State the obvious I didn't get my perfect fantasy I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me" Taylor Swift

Posts: 563 | Registered: Mar 2007
acreswild
♂ Member
Member # 19371
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just joining in this thread.. see profile for sorry story.. and yes I am hearing similar things as "Why are you making such a big deal over this, it was only sex." or "why dont you get over it ,it happened a long time ago"...it was still buring up to 9 weeks ago when I found out.. no physical sex anymore.. but happy memories and seemingly little remorse.. so the hurt is a current one.. not an old scabbed over one..
best wishes to all of us


BS-Me-59
WW- Her-59
Married 36 years
PA/EA/?A...depends on definition....
She finally admitted an old 3-4 year affair ( over 25 years ago) followed by a very sporadic on-again off-again 8 year PA followed by lengthy EA that would likely still be

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