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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


And BTW UK people... my D's best friend is in London for school, has been since last July. DD was supposed to go visit her, but the friend told her the food was horrible and DD LIKES to eat.

OK, so not LTA related, but I disagree with this. I'm a serious food person and I think London has amazing food. If I had to choose between London and Paris, I'd take London in a heartbeat. I think Gourmet said London was the best food city in the world in 2006. So don't let that hold your DD back.


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Snow,

I don't think forgiving or not forgiving is really the question. Seems to me the question is his current behavior.

There are people on this board who have never and will never forgive their spouse's affairs, but stay with them and are happy because their spouse has changed their behavior and is now a good husband or wife.

Your husband is not. He is abusive to you. That would be what I could not live with. When it comes down to abusive or even just mean behavior in the present, it isn't the affair that is the killer, KWIM?

But I'm happy to hear you say that you are going to chose to be the kind of person you want to be -- regardless of how awful he is. That is exactly what everybody here means when they say to focus on yourself. I think people have taken the idea of "focusing on yourself" and believed it is a license to get your nails done twice a week or to buy a new wardrobe, all of which are cool things don't get me wrong.

But focusing on yourself at its most important means being the kind of person you want to be -- one that you are proud of. If counseling or books or exercise or even pedicures help you get there, great. But being the person you can be proud of is the most important piece of it.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And BTW UK people... my D's best friend is in London for school, has been since last July. DD was supposed to go visit her, but the friend told her the food was horrible and DD LIKES to eat.

Weepy, are you crazy, woman??!! Do you really want to get us Foodies on your war path??

There is such an amazing range of food here. Where is this school anyway? Maybe its just the food at the school she was talking about.Or maybe she lost her taste buds over the Atlantic.

Fnf...just tell her!

***

because I don't particularly care if I'm acting like an ass or a lunatic or if I'm mean. I put up with so much shit all those years, I'm just not going to any more

Weepy,

Be a better person for you. I know what you are saying, but really, in the end, you are the one who loses. You are changing who you are(compassionate kind generous Weepy)when you react to him. And then he wins.

The line I liked best in the song which I relate to most is, "I have become what I cant be".

I dont want to spend the rest of my life as this bitter hatefilled person created out of H's mess. I am way way better than that.

***
Glad you like the song. Have your heard "Apologise"? (One Republic with Timbaland?)
Those lyrics, especially to BSs, are quite emotional.

Fnf, what would your kiddos say if you tell them you are listening to Timbaland?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had great food in London, and in Kent, where we stayed with friends in some of the most beautiful countryside I've ever seen.

No signs of spotted dick anywhere, at least out in the open.

My kids loved "tea". Course, they didn't actually drink the tea, but the timing of that meal and all the different little dishes really appealed to them. We were over there three years ago and every once in a while they will still ask for "tea" when they get home from school.

One thing I don't understand about Brittish food talk is the notion of pudding. I saw pudding applied to so many different dishes I couldn't even figure out what the common denominator was. And then to hear the description of spotted dick as a suet pudding. Those words just don't seem to work together in my mind.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe it is important to admit that, as painful as it was, the ddays we have had did have some positive impact on our lives. In our anger, we might not want to admit it, but I know that in a lot of ways my life is better now. I just wish it was better without all the heartache.

HurtS - You are right, it is hard to admit. But my life is better in alot of ways. I was telling a friend the other day, we are happier and have more fun together than we have in years, but there is still this dark cloud over our marriage that I don't know if will ever go away. But I know I am a stronger woman than I thought and I am more confident in some ways (less in others). Now to get rid of the darkness.......

Lost Heart - Thanks for you reply about 25 year anniversary. Don't worry, I plan on treating myself, just meant H will not be getting a present from me. Why celebrate 25 years when so much of it was a lie? I don't really feel married anymore, just living together as a family. I look at the rings on our fingers and they mean nothing. I'm sure he wore it during sex with her as well as with me. It means nothing to him either. I only keep it on to avoid questions. Simply for the kids.

So yesterday I went to pack up my DD from college and she drove home ahead of me. I went and did a little shopping first. Very enjoyable and then who comes out of Victorias Secret (of all places) with her 2 sons, OW! Thank God she did not see me, but I was able to watch her for awhile and was very surprised it did not upset me. Had she looked at me, another story. But I feel less threatened I think. I hadn't seen her in years and I decided she was nothing spectacular. My mind was remembering her as more than she really was. I think she looked old!!

Then, I really hit my favorite store and put it on H's checking account!!!!! Happy Anniversary to me LH!!!!!


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB,

I meant to say something about your post of late last night. I thought it was a great one.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HurtS - You are right, it is hard to admit. But my life is better in alot of ways. I was telling a friend the other day, we are happier and have more fun together than we have in years, but there is still this dark cloud over our marriage that I don't know if will ever go away. But I know I am a stronger woman than I thought and I am more confident in some ways (less in others). Now to get rid of the darkness.......

HBH- This is where I feel stuck sometimes. I feel like I've gotten past the A in a lot of ways but have lost sight of how to propel myself further, if that makes sense.

I know I'm increasingly feeling the need to get out from under the darkness because I know there's light ahead, but can't quite muster what it takes to get myself there--from surviving infidelity to overcoming infidelity.

I'd love it if any of the wise, farther out people have advice.


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HBH and others who have to see the OW.

I don't know how you do it. I think if I saw the OW all this high falutin' stuff I spout would be right out the window and I would be on her like a feral dog. I'd be calling one of you to come bail me out.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think if I saw the OW all this high falutin' stuff I spout would be right out the window and I would be on her like a feral dog. I'd be calling one of you to come bail me out.

Like OTC famously once said, dont ya just love it when BT joins us in the sand pit??!!

Dont worry BT, after we pull you off, we might finish her off...but I do have this thing about germs.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Anniversary to me LH!!!!!

You go, HBH!
Celebrate you, all that you have achieved in those years, and your beautiful children.

****

(((Brooke)))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HBH and others who have to see the OW.
I don't know how you do it.

I second that. Told fnf yesterday that if his OW had been alive when I found out, she'd be dead now. I wouldn't have been able to do it the first year after Dday, but now, I could strangle her with my own hands. I know it was my H's decision too, but since they always suspect the spouse first, homicide at the homestead would get me in prison for sure. Since OW and I didn't travel in the same circles, and SUPPOSEDLY no one knew of the connection between her and my H, her murder would be just another random act of violence.

Of course the only reason he actually admitted to the evidence I found was BECAUSE she was dead and there was no witness. I would have to take his "story" or not. Jury's still out on that.

And maybe THAT might get my H thinking about crossing me.

Weepy,

Be a better person for you. I know what you are saying, but really, in the end, you are the one who loses. You are changing who you are(compassionate kind generous Weepy)when you react to him. And then he wins.

OK, maybe this whole mess has screwed up my very DNA, but I see weepy as having a backbone and standing up for what's right and true. For the first time not just accepting HIS law, HIS rules. I have a voice in my M for the first time. Yes it's an angry one, but I at least get some say.

I mean, if I was the "old" weepy and lost my job, I would have been working by now. Why? Because H would have wanted to keep that severance. He would have wanted the status quo restored as quickly as possible with me doing the lion's share of the financial responsibility and him being able to jump between jobs whenever.

The "new" weepy has forced him into some responsibility, has said "screw you, I don't feel like cooking" and ordered pizza. The "old" weepy would have cooked no matter how exhausted she was.

No, I was a doormat, completely subservient, running everything I did past the "would Mr. Weepy approve" filter before I did it.

JC, I couldn't even leave him, or kick him to the curb or even get angry when I caught him. I was afraid to leave his side because he could leave me at any second.

Now at least I know, although I'd hate doing it, I could leave, I could kick him out too if he crossed that big line. Like I said, that one's defended with barbed wire and machine guns. It's the remote lines that are a little fuzzy yet.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a voice in my M for the first time

was a doormat, completely subservient, running everything I did past the "would Mr. Weepy approve" filter before I did it

Me too Weepy.
And its great not being that person, anymore huh?

But somehow I sense its more than that with you...take the other night for eg. You were cross with him (I cant remember why)and you ended up sleeping on the sofa or DS' bed whilst Mr Asshat got your bed.

I just feel like your spirit is being eroded, whilst he carries on on his merry way - and I wish I knew how to help.

Is anyone else getting this feeling too?

Didnt you find that when you took the focus off him, that you were happier? Pot-kettle I know.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am reading "Buddha" by Deepak Chopra. No, I am not a fan of his but it was in the house and I had finished "Water for Elephants" as was looking for something else to start. (Did I just t/j my own post?)

Anyway there was a passage that I thought would really help us all. It is about quieting the mind which I believe is the hardest thing of all after dday. The mind just wants to run away with all the bad thoughts but that doesn't help us at all. Maybe at the beginning it is necessary. But, at some point, I just couldn't live that way anymore. Here is the passage:

"For ten years now he had been meditatin, and just as Asita promised, it had become his refuge from the outside world.

At first he had found it hard to settle down completely As the scriptures say, the mind is like a runawy coach, and the driver never stops whipping the horses. But from inside the coach a voice whispers, 'Please stop.' At first the team and driver ignore the voice. It is very soft, it never insists. Over time, however, the voice wins obedience, and the driver and the horses stop wildly galloping. Bit by bit the slow down until the mind is at rest. Then Siddhartha learned a basic lesson: whatever can run can also stand still."

I am working on letting my mind stand still. Not intentionally whipping it into a fury of A-related anger. Let's see how long that lasts (I bet I spew an F-word by the end of the day )


ETA: sorry about all the typos but I can't read and type at the same time.

I made a choice today that I think is meaningful just haven't figured out why yet. My H and I made a date to meet one of our our good friends for lunch. This is a man that my H worked closely with during his two LTAs. The point of the lunch was for my H to confess. I wanted to be there to see his reaction and to try to judge how much he knew. But, this morning, I just knew I shouldn't go. I knew I probably would get any information from the meeting and it would have, most likely, triggered the crap out of me. So, I declined. My H said he actually questioned me going as he thought it would be hard on me but he didn't want to say anything. Interestingly, I believe that he will confess and I believe he will try to find out this man knew. I "believe" him. I know I don't trust him but I believe him. And, I didn't want to go.....

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 11:56 AM, May 9th (Friday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Over time, however, the voice wins obedience, and the driver and the horses stop wildly galloping. Bit by bit the slow down until the mind is at rest

What a beautiful and apt analogy.

The Wise Ones here have always advised me (whenever I run into a hole, and start frantically spinning my wheels), to meditate, pray, go to the quiet place in my head and listen. And usually (being me), I would be kicking my heels in shouting, "No no, you dont understand! I have to...!"
But they are always right.
And I find that the length of time that I spend protesting has shortened considerably.

Come on Shirley...no F words for the day. I dont know whether to encourage you or tempt you!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Over time, however, the voice wins obedience, and the driver and the horses stop wildly galloping. Bit by bit the slow down until the mind is at rest."

What a beautiful and apt analogy.


I totally agree. Thanks for sharing HurtS. I need to work on this. I'm going to copy, paste and print that passage to read over to myself. I have to find something to read other than 'After the Affair', etc. I haven't been able to concentrate on fiction at all and I have always been a bookworm. Even as a child when sent out to play, I would take a book and sit and read. It is really bothering me that I've lost so many of my basic pleasures since Dday...

This forum has been so thought-provoking lately that I can't even respond to everything... just sit, read and ponder. {{{LTA}}} just know that I am here lurking even when I don't post and you are always in my prayers.

I gave my H a letter last night that he's taken with him to work. We had a setback on Monday evening concerning boundaries (email/online). For the LTA newbies, his A was online EA (as far as I know) for over 3 yrs. The week has been difficult for me as he avoids the subject and I feel like I am beating a dead horse in this area so haven't said anymore about it. The strain got to me and composing the letter was a way to 'get it out' rather than have an emotional meltdown. I don't know what to expect when he comes home. And... we have a weekend of celebrating Mother's Day with our kids and his mom & sister to look forward to.
I am praying for strength. I don't know if I can keep the 'happy' mask on for 2 days. Weekends can be difficult as it's so quiet on SI.

BT, LostH, HBH, Brooke, your posts are so wise.
Weepy, you are my inspiration.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((LostSoul))))

How awful that you Mothers Weekend might get spoilt.

Look, can I suggest something? I know this issue is huge and painful..and his reaction prob made it worse.
But if its not a deal breaker, then can it wait till next weekend.

Like BT told me the other day, you have said all that you need to say and you are prob sick of it too. Just push this for one side now and enjoy the weekend.Bask in your childrens' love and admiration. Use that positive energy to refuel you.

I did that last weekend with my sisters and mum and kids..and it worked. I was able to push the last incident to one side and enjoy the weekend. We havent dealt with it yet,its still there, but that break helped both of us. It gave us some desp needed breathing room. And I didnt ignore H or be rude. I was polite and nice..just not usual loveydovey, you know. I took sleeping pills at night, and slept.

Enjoy the weekend LostS.This problem can picked up again...but you wont get another Mothers Day for another year!!

Btw, do you have to drop hints about pressies, or are the kids fairly clued up?
If they had their way, my DDs would accessorise me in pink (ewwwhhh) and DS would buy me a WII game.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Heart - I hope you wagered your life savings on my inability to not use the fuck bomb. I just spoke to my fucktard H to get the recap of lunch. He told the friend about the LTA with the coworker that they both knew. This man had worked very closely with her as well and is still personal friends with her. WHY, WHY, WHY did I expect something other than what happened. So, of course, friend says "I am shocked, she is such a nice person." FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

I just lost it on my H and asked him "did you ask friend if "nice people" routinely fuck other people's husbands for 7 years, throwing their own H and kids aside, then lie to everyone about how nice and sweet they are?" Idiot fucktard H says "I didn't go there to call her a whore". Of course, I lost it and said...so you had this nice lovely nobody-gets-hurt affair with this "nice person" isn't that fucking nice. Apparently, I am the only not nice person involved in this completely nice scenario. Just sent him this email and now I have to go smash shit. Sunday is both our ex-anniversay and mother's day and it looks like I won't celebrating either.

You know what makes me sick. That fucking whore is called a mother. That fukcing skank that was willing to throw her own kids under the bus is celebrated on Mother's Day. If that is who is honored on mother's day, I want nothing to do with it. I love my children and would protect the from all harm at all costs. I am not a "nice person", I am a mother bear who will kill for her kids. So FUCK mother's day. I will celebrate mother bear day or some other day. I am a good person and I get tossed aside while everyone talks about how fucking nice the 'person' was that was capable of lying and cheating and fucking over her own kids .......STILL. So, because you two great fucking people, I can no longer celebrate my anniversary (because clearly the marriage vows didn't mean shit) or mother's day (which obviously should be "procreation day" because all you have to be able to do is get knocked - not necessarily by your husband - and fart out a kid).


FUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKK - I hate this so fucking much. I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face thinking about how fucking sad the kids are going to be on Sunday when all I can do is cry......


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

'scuse me while I hog

I just called "the friend" and explained to him why I do not consider her a "nice person". I asked him to consider her kind H (who still doesn't know) and her kids and think about what kind of person is willing to screw over those closest to you for cheap sex. I think I made my point. I don't care if he thinks I am a raving lunatic, I couldn't let it sit. I want him to look at her at their next common social function and see her for what she is - a lying deceitful whore.

hmmmmmmm.....wonder if we will be invited to the memorial day bbq?!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((Shirley))))))))

I'm sorry you are hurting.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shirley, others see our WS as "nice people" too.

It took some guts for your H to tell his colleague. He, the friend, will definetly be looking at both of them differently hereon.

Shirley,(asking gently), why is your H doing this? Is this a sort of campaign to discredit OW? Because if it is, then I am worried that either one or both of you would end up getting hurt more.

And another thing: the timing.
Did H plan on doing this today deliberately? Because his timing sure sucks. You both have enough going on this weekend...

(((((Shirley)))))

Start tapping Shirley. Or breath deep in 3 takes.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
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