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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The timing is bad since this lunch had been rescheduled 3 times (it was supposed to happena month ago). This is not a plan to discredit the OW. We are just trying to discern how many people knew and this is one of the few people that worked with them both at that company who is also a friend. He and his wife will be told eventually anyway as they are part of a tight circle of friends that we have done nothing with. The wife has know "something was up" with H and me for months but now the friend knows why.

And, I feel better after calling him and giving him a small insight into the BS perspective. I guess I should have know this weekend was just going to suck and should have piled everything bad thing I could think of into it. Get it all over at once.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HEy Shirley, I have to go now...kids are howling for their dessert.Will check in again later.

You are a great mum. You can make Mothers Day any darn day you want to, ok? Postpone it till next week if you want.Your girls will understand, I'm sure. Do what makes it easier for you.

And people thinking of OW as a nice person, DOES NOT make her one. Just makes her ability to put on a fake mask that stronger.

And yes, it is hard to swallow that these women are considered "mothers", when they represent everything that is blasphemous to the notion of motherhood. I still cant understand how OW could go home and kiss her kid after sucking my H's dick with that same mouth. Or how OW#1 could allow my H to talk about fucking her when her kid was asleep in the next room or in the backseat.

They are not Mothers. Yes, they gave birth, but they lost that right to call themselves mothers.

Hang in there, Shirley. Thinking of you.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
canIdothis?
Member
Member # 19281
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saw this thread and wanted to introduce myself. I found out a few weeks ago that my husband had a 2.5 year affair. He told me himself and wants to work on R. Seems to be trying hard, though I would like more apologies. Constant ones would be nice, but he is supportive of me. But, it is so hard to wrap my mind around the extent of his deceit. Any advice to a newcomer?


D-Day: April 19, 2008
Reconciling, slowly but surely

Posts: 200 | Registered: Apr 2008
snowbaby796
♀ Member
Member # 13882
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome canidothis. The only advice I have is take it slow, take care of yourself and expect this to be a long process of ups and downs.
A big mistake I made in the beginning, imo, was doing to much for WH because he was depressed and felt guilty. I wish I had just demanded from day one that me and my needs and wants be put first. Not that they get totally ignored, but the BS should come first, especially in the beginning. If I had it to do over again that is one (of many) things I would do differently. Read in the healing library if you haven't already and get MC and IC asap.
And keep visiting here this very special group of LTA survivors are truly amazing, helpful, supportive and inspirational.


"Betrayal of yourself is still betrayal nonetheless, it is the highest betrayal" Neale Donald Walsch
"State the obvious I didn't get my perfect fantasy I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me" Taylor Swift

Posts: 563 | Registered: Mar 2007
snowbaby796
♀ Member
Member # 13882
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HS so sorry about your WH's crappy behavior. They really care sooo much about what others think. Yes I had an affair but it was with a really nice person, like that makes it better somehow?


"Betrayal of yourself is still betrayal nonetheless, it is the highest betrayal" Neale Donald Walsch
"State the obvious I didn't get my perfect fantasy I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me" Taylor Swift

Posts: 563 | Registered: Mar 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

guess I should have know this weekend was just going to suck and should have piled everything bad thing I could think of into it. Get it all over at once

Shirley, I am going to respectfully disagree with this. Dont make this any harder than it has to. You have enough on your plate for this weekend. so take it easy ok? I will try to check in whenever I can.

(((((Shirley)))))

****
Welcome canidothis.

Go through past LTA threads if you have time. Read, post when you are ready...theres always someone close by.

Right now, in the early months, look after yourself..eat, walk, sleep.Just try to get the basics done.

There will be pieces of info coming in on a daily basis. GEt a journal. Write in it when you can. Keep a log of what he says. Get all your feelings out. Keep it hidden for now.

Its a long road ahead, ICDI. There are no quick fixes.And there will be many many lows and highs. Whilst you probably cant see past this week for now, just know that it will get better in time, that no matter what happens to H or the M, that YOU WILL MAKE IT for sure!
(Great handle by the way).


Grab a lounger, a sunhat and a lowfat berry smoothie (freshly made) and join us on the deck when you are ready.

Take care everyone.

(((((LTA Tribe))))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

canI... like snow said, take care of yourself. This is an awfully long coaster ride for the LTA.

Long Term Affair = Long Term Recovery.

That he confessed and you didn't "find out" is consdiered a plus on this site.

Try to figure out what you want... you say you want more apologies...Fine, tell him that you think he should say "I'm sorry" or "I'm so grateful you didn't leave" at least once a day. Tell him there will be more changes that have to happen, but take your time, many times we spout off things in the heat of Dday and further down the road we realize we forgot this or that.

Get some books, After the Affair, look in the Book Club forum for more suggestions. I read EVERYTHING. Some helped, some didn't. I don't think any of us will ever be able to wrap our heads around this, I think the best we can hope for is to accept and move on, as long as he's working 110% on the M.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Asshat may have lost his job. He was having a hard time with all the red tape and he "can't cheat people" attitude. He thought the company's prices were way out of whack and he couldn't "in good conscience" stick it to these people. (Again, they have power, so he's nice to them) He said the 3 bosses were going to talk over the weekend about whether or not to give him more time.

In his defense (wow, did I say that?) he was hired the week his direct report started a 3-week vacation and was never really trained right. I don't know if it would have made a difference, but I know he called his boss a few times and asked him to go on the calls with him to make sure he was doing it by the book, but the boss was too "busy" to help. He's not much of a self-monitor or self-motivator.

Great both of us on unemployment at the same time... couldn't have happened over the winter right?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Hi CanI,

Welcome. My advice, for what it's worth, is to think of R as a chance for him to prove to you that he's worth another chance. Don't undervalue yourself or your worth. Figure out what *you* need and ask for it. Other than that, give yourself time and be as kind to both of you as you're able.

((Shirley))
I think I've given you the "step away from the OW, she's an unnecessary diversion" advice before, but since you are determined not to listen , I hope you're doing ok.

BT-
I was waiting for one of the native brits to explain pudding. It's both an old-fashioned generic name for dessert and a specific name for any kind of steamed pudding. I've managed to avoid Spotted Dick (anyone who's ever put suet in a bird feeder has to feel that way) but sticky toffee pudding with a dollop of double cream, oh swoon, is another story.


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
snowbaby796
♀ Member
Member # 13882
Angry  Posted: 3:52 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right now I just Hate hate hate my stupid spotted dick WH!!!!!
After 15 months of very little effort, after 5 months of HB and he did nothing for me and told me I should just do it because I love him so much not to get anything back, after he went away without me when I begged (yea, not proud of that one) for him not to to take me away instead, after seeing a divorce atty in dec and giving him one more chance, after making him sign a contract explicitly telling him what I wanted and needed him to do for me and he did next to nothing still, after weeks of sleeping on the couch, he calls and asks me to go to dinner.
Um, no thanks. But, I want to get along with you I want you to mave back upstairs I want to be friends again.
Well, then you should put in some effort for me.
After this goes back and forth he gets defensive and yells at me "I guess you just don't want to get along with me then!"
I told him he is twisting everything around and since he is the one who hurt me and chose not to do anything for me to make up for it he is the one who doesn't want to get along with me.
Then after me recounting all he did to hurt me and if you loved me why didn't you do something before now, says
"But, I want you to move back upstairs"
"Why"
"Well, don't you miss spending time with me?' (sex)

I just hung up. What a clueless SOB.

If you could send me some strength because I am really lacking that right now. He just wears me down, and makes me feel worthless and small. After all he has done to hurt me, don't I miss f*ing him.
He obviously will never ever change.
I don't know why it hurts sooo much right now. I am low and feeling lonely and unloved and unwanted. But, giving in to him would be a temporary relief with a lot of hurt later when I get a wake up call that he really has not changed. I just wish he would go away.


"Betrayal of yourself is still betrayal nonetheless, it is the highest betrayal" Neale Donald Walsch
"State the obvious I didn't get my perfect fantasy I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me" Taylor Swift

Posts: 563 | Registered: Mar 2007
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


((snowbaby))

If you hang on, I'm sure someone will be along with better advice than mine, but it seems to me that you've articulated how you're feeling really well.

giving in to him would be a temporary relief with a lot of hurt later when I get a wake up call that he really has not changed.

I think you need to hang onto that thought, and I'm sending you strength to do it.


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((Snow))))

Stay strong Snow.

Get a really good thriller, have a long, hot, nice smelly bubble bathe, slap on a face mask, then slip on your comfiest pjs, get into bed with a hot drink (and fav snack) and your book.

You are a worthy, compassionate, beautiful, strong woman, and we love you. Dont let him wear you down, Snow. Switch him off. Dont engage.

Wishing you loads and loads of strength.

***
Brooke I LOVE sticky date pudding with caramel sauce. Yummmy! But your American Pecan Pie...


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostHeart,
I know this issue is huge and painful..and his reaction prob made it worse.
But if its not a deal breaker, then can it wait till next weekend.
It's been smoldering for 4 days now. He's read the letter but no comment yet.
Like BT told me you have said all that you need to say and you are prob sick of it too. Just push this for one side now and enjoy the weekend. Bask in your childrens' love and admiration. Use that positive energy to refuel you.
I did that last wkend with my sisters and mum and kids and it worked. I was able to push the last incident to one side and enjoy the weekend. We havent dealt with it yet,its still there, but that break helped both of us. It gave us some desp needed breathing room. I didnt ignore H or be rude. I was polite and nice... just not usual loveydovey, you know. I took sleeping pills at night, and slept.
I'll try. I just don't feel strong enuf to pretend. Xanax is already my new friend - but my sleep is broken and I am so tired.

Btw, do you have to drop hints about pressies, or are the kids fairly clued up?
My 'kids' are young adults (both are married almost 2 yrs). No hints needed - time has to be thought out to cover everyone's Mom's, including H's mom. We've done meals out, meals at home, sometimes gifts - nothing is written in stone. I'd love to turn back the clock to Mom's Day when kids were young... a much simpler time.

Welcome canIdothis. Glad you found us. I see you already have good advice. I agree that having him confess is much better than you discovering the affair.

And people thinking of OW as a nice person, DOES NOT make her one.
I just about puked on a fellow's shoes when he said "oh, OW... she's such a sweetie". As to motherhood... I think my H had the KISA attitude about her in some ways. I don't even want to think about the day in connection with her and FWH! H doesn't think her family knows - and he doesn't want anyone to know about it either.

HurtShirley Sorry about the timing of this lunch. I don't know if I could sit through that or call the fellow later. Looks like we both need to take LostH's advice and just enjoy the kids. We don't need to pile any more hurt on ourselves!


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
snowbaby796
♀ Member
Member # 13882
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you brook and lost. I don't know why I still get surprised when he shows me he has not changed one bit.
It is more proof to me that I can never be happy with him and NEED to leave. For my own sanity, peace of mind and well being.
Thanks for the support.


"Betrayal of yourself is still betrayal nonetheless, it is the highest betrayal" Neale Donald Walsch
"State the obvious I didn't get my perfect fantasy I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me" Taylor Swift

Posts: 563 | Registered: Mar 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((snobaby))))

sorry I was out driving the kids. What a jerk! I think you said it best yourself when you said


I am low and feeling lonely and unloved and unwanted. But, giving in to him would be a temporary relief with a lot of hurt later

The biggest problem for all BS is that the person we learned to turn to in the time of need is the one who hurt us. It is doubly hurtful when they are not remorseful and continue think only of themselves. You are loved by US (((((Snowbaby)))) and you are not alone you have your weirdo friends here!

Brooke and Lost H - sorry I don't listen to all the smart advice about the OW. In this case, (I know you don't believe me), it was more about my H's career. This was a smallish company that grew quickly, IPO'd and senior management moved onto loads of other companies. We are trying to assess if people knew and, if so, how many so he could be aware of potential career landmines out there. (Also, I hate the fucking bitch and want to see her outed...
).

But, I hope I have learned my lesson that no good is going to come of this. I guess I should just be happy my H didn't get a bad case of spotted dick. (Oh, and Brooke, "using them" is so much more fun than making love!!! )

It's been smoldering for 4 days now. He's read the letter but no comment yet.

Lostsoul - do you think he is afraid to bring it up? maybe he is waiting for you to say/do something? I think the smoldering is the worst part. Any way you can broach the subject without it turning into a battle royale? As far as your advice in just enjoying the kids, you are right on (that is "spot on" for Lost Heart). My middle D came home grinning from ear to ear as she did really well on a very, very tough Math test. My youngest is my angel. My oldest (14) is, of course, at the mall!!!
Fuck OW#2, my kids are fucking great and I am going to enjoy them!

CanIdoThis - keep posting, it can get a little wild in here but we are all here to help and offer hugs. I agree with Weepy that the fact that he confessed is huge. It means it was bothering him which, believe it or not, in the world of LTAs and compartmentalization is important. You need to decide exactly what YOU need from yourself, from him, from a relationship. Secondly, you need to find your boundaries and get them firmly in place quickly. Do not allow them to be violated and make sure WH understands the consequences of violation. Finally, IC and MC are unbelievably helpful, if you have access. Have H read, "not just friends" and "the slippery slope" pronto. Finally, you need to make it completely and utterly clear that the ENTIRE TRUTH (no partial truths, no spins, nothing) needs to be out ASAP as learning more later takes all R back to square zero (or worse). ((((CanI)))

Weepy - I hope for both of your sakes your H's job is okay. I am not sure if close proximity to each other on a full-time basis is what you need right now.


ETA: not only are the OW "nice" but they are also "horizontally accessible". How "nice" of them!!

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 4:49 PM, May 9th (Friday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Lostsoul - do you think he is afraid to bring it up? maybe he is waiting for you to say/do something? I think the smoldering is the worst part. Any way you can broach the subject without it turning into a battle royale?"

HurtS, I don't know about being afraid to bring it up. No reason for this time to be any different from the other letters I've given him since Dday. He hasn't made the time to reply to any of my questions. He never brings the A or anything related up. He has yet to put anything in writing for me. I don't know what to do next. If I say nothing, he'll be quite happy to let yet another setback be swept under the rug.
Battle Royale? I don't need one to send me further into the black hole of self-doubt and "why am I here/why did he do this? issues. WE are already in 'polite' mode. I know, I know. It's that 4-letter word (not F**k) again... TIME.

I really need to talk to someone who understands... has BTDT. And nobody in my offline life fits the bill. If it weren't for SI I'd have gone off the deep end months ago.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Snowbaby))))) Follow your heart. Take care of yourslf.

Welcome canIdoit. I am so sorry you are here. I agree, H telling you of his own choice is a great thing. It will be a rllercoastr so hang on tight.

I have never seen ow that I know of. H described her briefly...medium build, shoulder length blond hair is all he said. She is 43..I a 34 and h is 36.

Hoever, she works at the same hospital as the both of us. So I am constantly looking around adn at name tags to see if it is her. That has gotten better. Plus I found out that she doesn't eat in teh cafeteria, so that helps.

Half the time I hate her and the other half I know that my H had the commttment to me, not her. He is the only one to blame forwhat he chose. But still. I pity her. She was willing to take scraps of time here and there. It was all make believe. She begged him to leave me and be with her and he never did. H said she wanted a man around, to do household things and just be there. He was there after work at midnight for an hour or two at most...just long enough to fuck and get home.

She was devastated when he ended it. I feel sorry for her. She's just sad. I hope I never have to know what she looks like or who she is.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The week has been difficult for me as he avoids the subject and I feel like I am beating a dead horse in this area so haven't said anymore about it. The strain got to me and composing the letter was a way to 'get it out' rather than have an emotional meltdown

Okay, I know this sounds stupid but have you said this to him? Told him that that you don't want to beat a dead horse but you need to get it out (to him) or it leads to an emotional breakdown? Maybe you could bring the letter up in the context of how YOU need to be listened to and treated rather than the subject? I agree, it sounds like he is hoping it will just go away. I would try not to reinforce that by just letting it go away.

(((LostS)))


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She was devastated when he ended it. I feel sorry for her.

Don't feel sorry for her. She made her choices and one of them was to try to destroy you and your family. Fuck her.

(When Lost H comes in tomorrow she can log my "fuck" count to see how well I did in my Buddha stage today )

I do want to share something with everyone which I think is important. I was really mad at my H for not framing the situation with our friend the way I would have. But then, I realized, I don't have control over him or that situation. If I wanted input, I should have been there. Secondly, I am glad I called the friend after to give him my input rather than stewing about it. I know this sounds insignificant; but, I was able to "let go" of my H's comments because they did not belong to me in any way. Would I have liked him to put her into a different context, YES , but that is not within my control. I can tell him that I was not happy with it but I can't change his behavior - only he can. So the best path is to let him know I'm not happy (in a slightly less hysterical fashion) and then give the friend my own input. Okay, feeling better - when does the meteor hit my house?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostS,

He's a conflict avoider, I take it? Will he work on that? I honestly think that is one of the most damaging and hard to get over kinds of personality issues.

Snow:

He's a con man. Listen to your inner voice, it is telling you what to do. Don't get conned again.


Shirley,

Try to have a happy mother's day, honey. You deserve it, and so do your kids.

Have them make you breakfast. I saw my mother two months ago and she talked about the time my older sister and I made breakfast. it really touched my heart to know that she remembered that in perfect detail 40 years after the fact. Let your girls give you a memory like that this weekend.

Everyone else, have a good weekend and don't let the spotted dicks get you down.

BT

Thank you for that explanation, Brooke. The words suet pudding though are really hard to take. But the one you mentioned sounds good and much more like what i think about as pudding.


D-day 7/29/04.

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