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Newest Member: iknowiwillbeok (43219)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK, our MC touched on this last night. Of course the first "symptom" is denial of the problem all together. He said his IC would have picked up on the depression after all this time if he was. I asked him then why did he get so damn angry every day. Every single day he's angry. Well, other people are making him angry.

The MC just said that he's not relating to his own feelings. He doesn't know what's going on inside and doesn't care to look. I and reiterated what his IC said to me "he can't help if Mr. Weepy doesn't want to be helped."

Based on his abrupt change of attitude once the work issue was resolved, I think the majority of the problem was that stress. Plus quitting smoking at the same time. So now I concentrate on telling him when he's stepping on my feelings.

I don't know... I think the plain suits me. Keeps me focused on me rather than him. I told the MC last night that the "Weepy's miserable too" was just me detaching. That when he gets "that way", my former way of handling it was to try to fix it, figuring the problem was me, but since it isn't, I just keep on doing my thing and I don't think he gets that. He sees it as me being a bitch for not scrambling to make him happy. And then out of his mouth come the words "I was only kidding, you don't have to do that..." So I'm figuring he tells me something's wrong and to fix it,.... he must be kidding.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
snowbaby796
♀ Member
Member # 13882
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is an example of the insanity of my relationship with WH. WH thinks sex is love and intimacy. I do not. If we do not have "enough" sex he feels unloved, etc. (and cheats on me) When he is getting "enough" sex to make him feel loved and wanted, he actually twists that around to thinking he is making me feel loved and wanted. He then feels he doesn't need to do anything for me other than have sex, which does not make me feel loved and wanted at all, more like used and taken advantage of.
Also, WH wants me to do more than have sex, gets more and more demanding. Needs shiny new cars and to go on trips and on and on. All the while telling me "the sex is for you too" and not doing anything else I want him to do.

It seems he feels sex is love and then projects that on to me. He puts in huge amounts of effort to "get" me to have sex with him, but instead of looking at it like I am doing something for him that he wants, and being appreciative and then doing things for me that I want, he twists it into he is being loving and good to me and giving me what I want. Or at least tries very hard to convince me this is what I want.

Twisted and insane, really. As I am writing this I am confusing myself and can't believe when I look at this situation objectively how incredibly illogical it is. It makes no sense whatsoever.


"Betrayal of yourself is still betrayal nonetheless, it is the highest betrayal" Neale Donald Walsch
"State the obvious I didn't get my perfect fantasy I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me" Taylor Swift

Posts: 563 | Registered: Mar 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay. Needs. A month or so after DDay, when I was trying to shake off the trauma and devastation, I did a lot of googling. As in obsessive googling. Anything about affairs, causes of affairs, long term affairs (not much success there!), therapies, books, articles. I have collected loads of stuff (haven’t we all??), some is great, some good, some so-so and some guaranteed to send me off the deep end. There was an article on needs. Old-fashioned Christian ideals (circa 1953 I would think), but I took it as having some elements of truth, some grains that may be there within H and myself as a result of our parents and grandparents handing down the rights and wrongs of life. Some of the wording is downright condescending, almost laughable, but everyone has a right to their POV.

Her Needs
Often the failure of men and women to meet each other's needs is due to a lack of knowledge rather than a selfish unwillingness to be considerate. Meeting these needs is critically important because in marriages that fail to meet needs, it is striking and alarming how consistently married people seek to satisfy their unmet needs through an extramarital affair. If any of a spouse's five basic needs goes unmet, that spouse becomes vulnerable to the temptation of an affair.

First, let's look at the five needs of a wife. The first need is for affection. To most women affection symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval. When a husband shows his wife affection, he sends the following messages: (1) I'll take care of you and protect you; (2) I'm concerned about the problems you face, and I am with you; (3) I think you've done a good job, and I'm so proud of you.

Men need to understand how strongly women need these affirmations. For the typical wife, there can hardly be enough of them. A hug can communicate all of the affirmations of the previous paragraph. But, affection can be shown in many ways such as: kisses, cards, flowers, dinners out, opening the car door, holding hands, walks after dinner, back rubs, phone calls--there are a thousand ways to say "I love you." From a woman's point of view, affection is the essential cement of her relationship with a man.

The second need is conversation. Wives need their husbands to talk to them and to listen to them; they need lots of two-way conversation. In their dating life prior to marriage, most couples spent time showing each other affection and talking. This shouldn't be dropped after the wedding. When two people get married, each partner has a right to expect the same loving care and attention that prevailed during courtship to continue after the wedding. The man who takes time to talk to a woman will have an inside track to her heart.

The third need is honesty and openness. A wife needs to trust her husband totally. A sense of security is the common thread woven through all of a woman's five basic needs. If a husband does not keep up honest and open communication with his wife, he undermines her trust and eventually destroys her security. To feel secure, a wife must trust her husband to give her accurate information about his past, the present, and the future. If she can't trust the signals he sends, she has no foundation on which to build a solid relationship. Instead of adjusting to him, she always feels off balance; instead of growing toward him, she grows away from him.

Financial commitment is a fourth need a wife experiences. She needs enough money to live comfortably: she needs financial support. No matter how successful a career a woman might have, she usually wants her husband to earn enough money to allow her to feel supported and to feel cared for.

The fifth need is family commitment. A wife needs her husband to be a good father and have a family commitment. The vast majority of women who get married have a powerful instinct to create a home and have children. Above all, wives want their husbands to take a leadership role in the family and to commit themselves to the moral and educational development of their children.

His Needs
Now, let's look at the five needs husbands have. The first is sexual fulfillment. The typical wife doesn't understand her husband's deep need for sex anymore than the typical husband understands his wife's deep need for affection. But these two ingredients can work very closely together in a happy, fulfilled marriage. Sex can come naturally and often, if there is enough affection.

The second need for a man is recreational companionship. He needs her to be his playmate. It is not uncommon for women, when they are single, to join men in pursuing their interests. They find themselves hunting, fishing, playing football, and watching sports and movies they would never have chosen on their own.

After marriage wives often try to interest their husbands in activities more to their own liking. If their attempts fail, they may encourage their husbands to continue their recreational activities without them. But this option is very dangerous to a marriage, because men place surprising importance on having their wives as recreational companions. Among the five basic male needs, spending recreational time with his wife is second only to sex for the typical husband.

A husband's third need is an attractive spouse. A man needs a wife who looks good to him. Dr. Harley states that in sexual relationships most men find it nearly impossible to appreciate a woman for her inner qualities alone--there must be more. A man's need for physical attractiveness in a mate is profound.

The fourth need for a man is domestic support. He needs peace and quiet. So deep is a husband's need for domestic support from his wife that he often fantasizes about how she will greet him lovingly and pleasantly at the door, about well-behaved children who likewise act glad to see him and welcome him to the comfort of a well-maintained home.

The fantasy continues as his wife urges him to sit down and relax before taking part in a tasty dinner. Later the family goes out for an evening stroll, and he returns to put the children to bed with no hassle or fuss. Then he and his wife relax, talk together, and perhaps watch a little television until they retire at a reasonable hour to love each other. Wives may chuckle at this scenario, but this vision is quite common in the fantasy lives of many men. The male need for his wife to "take care of things"--especially him--is widespread, persistent, and deep.

The fifth need is admiration. He needs her to be proud of him. Wives need to learn how to express the admiration they already feel for their husbands instead of pressuring them to greater achievements. Honest admiration is a great motivator for men. When a woman tells a man she thinks he's wonderful, that inspires him to achieve more. He sees himself capable of handling new responsibilities and perfecting skills far above those of his present level.

If any of a spouse's five basic needs go unmet, that person becomes vulnerable to the temptation of an affair. Therefore, the best way to prevent adultery is to meet the needs of your spouse and make your marriage strong.

When you have finished throwing up, screaming, yelling, laughing hysterically, please feel free to come back and bandy about some comments!!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
BorrowTrouble
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Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think Dr. Harley is pretty close to the mark, in general. Some of us might have a few differences in our hierarchy -- for instance I think I would put recreational companionship and sex in my top needs. And I think most husbands would require honesty and family commitment from their wives. But in general, I think his lists are pretty accurate.

He advises couples to fill out their own emotional needs surveys to help in reconciliation, and his is on his website.
*************

Thanks for holding my hand, UK. I'm not really a chicken about pain, I just don't like the waiting to find out. For me, the not knowing is the agony.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, I think the "His Needs, Her Needs" is archaic and faulty.

His needs were met... unfortunately not to his impossible standards. Sex with someone who's had major sexual surgery is not going to be like it was when they were 20 or 25. He wasn't ready for a menopausal wife at 40, well I wasn't ready to be menopausal either.

Recreational companionship, he had that. His idea of recreation was sleeping in front of the tv. I was there, he just didn't know it. He had no hobbies, no interests other than in flying and we couldn't afford that. I can't tell you how many Sundays we spent at the private airport in our area watching planes takeoff and land. I even gave him some lesson time for Christmas one year... he let them expire.

Attractive spouse... well, I look at pictures of me from 1994 and wonder what happened... oh, yeah, I lost my H that year... each subsequent year I gained more weight. Oddly, at the time he quit seeing his GF, I weighed the most I had ever been in my life and stayed there for the next 3 years. He has sworn up and down and backwards that my weight had NOTHING to do with his affairs or how he felt about me. (deep down)

Domestic support, he had it all, I was the Virginia Slims commercial, brought home the bacon, took care of house and home and kids. Carried the financial load, while he pursued his dream job. I even did his bookeeping and worked as his secretary on my "off" hours. It was "required" that I keep the children quiet while he "rested" after dinner or watched tv. We were only allowed to "speak" during commercial breaks and even then he wasn't listening. He had a home cooked dinner every night except for Fridays, a lunch packed for him, his checks written, bills paid... and the felt "unnecessary and worthless" because I didn't need him for anything.

Now, admiration... until he started acting like he does now... angry, impatient, argumentative, setting impossible standards, abusive, distant, ingnorant... he had it. I gave him all the support in the world to start this business and only when he started with the "I don't feel like working" and staying home, obviously filling his days with "other" things, there was not much left to admire. He left himself go physically, never shaved, bathed once a week IF it suited him and that was I found out because he HAD to, either at the woman's request or afterward to hide the evidence. (Not like at that point I was even getting close to him).

My needs were even more simple... be there when I needed you to be. I didn't need financial support, I was the financial support. I needed domestic support. I needed openness and honesty, and I had it until he started cheating on me,I needed him involved with his family.

No, we human beings are far more complicated than his black and white "needs".

Like we talked about last night.... he said I was not communicating that his smoking after I'd quit was bothering me. Sometimes it did and sometimes it didn't. But if it was, I left the room or asked him to. Sometimes we need one thing and sometimes another.

I believe the primary motivating factor for an affair is fear. Not that needs aren't being met, but fears.

We did the needs survey right after Dday and sex was #5 out of 6 for him. Family time was #1. The family he ignored for 10 years so he could go have lots of sex... explain that one.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He advises couples to fill out their own emotional needs surveys to help in reconciliation, and his is on his website.

BT – where will I find that?

I believe the primary motivating factor for an affair is fear. Not that needs aren't being met, but fears.
We did the needs survey right after Dday

What fears? Generally speaking or specific? That he was never going to be “enough”? FWH still says he feels he has failed. God knows why, at MC the other night I said to look at what we DO have. He said that wasn’t what he meant. Are you talking about the same survey as BT?

Can I throw out a general question here:
Who has completed a questionnaire with their WS’s and was it useful to you?

OK. Gotta run. Been dressed for gym ALL DAY and it's now 3.20pm. LOL


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK, you can find it at:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/enq.pdf


H and I did this probably in year 2, sometime after the most intense pain had subsided and after we both had some IC time. So, we were honest in answering the questions and had some degree of insight into ourselves. I think we both found it helpful and a little surprising.

By that point, my husband knew he wanted to be a different man and was strong enough to admit that. He knew he wasn't just a good guy that had made a mistake, that his issues went lots deeper than that and that his affair wasn't just an aberration but was a sign of real character issues that he had always had and would always have unless he worked hard to change.

In my H's case, and in the case of a lot of people who have affairs (esp. LTAs), he was a bottomless pit of need. I could/would never have met his needs because they were toxic needs.

But I don't think that invalidates Harley's needs hierarchy. I think that unmet emotional needs are the causes of affairs, I just think you have to go deeper than that and figure out if the needs the cheating spouse has are healthy/legitimate ones or dysfunctional/toxic ones that need to be therapied out. Still, I think his observations about what the emotional needs are and how they fall among the sexes are generally in order.

And I think it is important to know what your spouse needs, so the survey is helpful. But it does require the people answering to be honest and to have some real insight into themselves.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Marriagebuilders.com?? Guess what (doh!), I have copied those Q’aires, maybe I should print them off and we should do them? I have done the Q’aires in Why Women Talk, but I don’t have the confidence to put them to my H, I might not like his answers and they might throw up more Q’ns. Maybe I’m doing a bit of fingers in ears, shutting eyes and lah-lah-ing loudly. Do I want to know? Not sure. Gotta run again, quick shower before DS4 to piano.

Thanks BT.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I found a job I can do at home... an old friend of mine started a medical transcription service from her home 15 years ago. It's now thriving. I've been avoiding calling her, you know, didn't want charity work. But it turns out she needs people... and especially now, she's just been diagnosed with breast cancer.

I told her I didn't believe in "chance" and that something made me call her last week (certainly not desperation) the day she was going for her biopsy. When I didn't hear back from her I called yesterday... that's when she found out it was invasive and she'd be having surgery next Monday.

She and I worked together for close to 10 years. We were pregnant with both our kids together, she married someone who knows my H's family well. We've kept in touch through mutual friends and seen each other at my chiropractor's office. Kind of Christmas card friends.

We just got off the phone after talking for close to an hour. Monday I sign up for the medical terminology class at our community college and I go to work for her for a while.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

I dont see the Needs survey as working in trying to understand why the LTAs happened..at least not in my case. He was in LTA#1 before he and I even got together...our M never stood a chance. By the time LTA#2 began, I can see how some of his needs were being met at home...I had worn myself out by then, fighting a battle that I didnt even know about.

So I just get a tad bitter and sad (and I guess defensive)when I read that WSs have affairs because their needs werent being met at home.

However, where the Needs Survey was helpful to us, was not in understanding the LTAs, but in rebuilding the M.

We were both suprised by what the other reported. I cant remember know who said what, but I know that we both took that on board going forward. One of the things that I do remember discussing with him, was that he really didnt care too much about food. I used to go through all that trouble trying out new recipes,thinking that I was being such a good wife, and he said he really didnt bother but didnt know how to tell me.
Whew! I can tell you that after I got over the bitterness of all that time wasted, its been a blessing...its taken alot of pressure of me!!!

I am thinking maybe we blow the dust of that book, and do that survey over. We both have changed so much since then...I wonder if our needs have too.

Thanks for bringing it up.

***

Re the sex = love.

I know my H still equates that. I know that he thought that because OW2 had sex with him just 2 months after that she truly loved him.
I know that he thought that because we went through patches when we hardly had sex (problem pgs, getting over the c/s's, me always tired) meant that I didnt love him. I know that he thought that when we did have sex, it must be because I felt obligated to not because I wanted to...so I was damned if I did, and damned if I didnt.

I know that he still equates love with sex. HE knows I still equate affection with love. So I had to learn his language.
And he had to learn mine.
And then something happened -I really began to enjoy giving and receiving sex, and he really began to enjoy giving and receiving attention.

****

Ukg, I am a little confused.

said things to her he didn’t mean (esp ILY and marry me)

Firstly, your H said that to MC about you, right?

Secondly,why did she wait till he left the room? Why didnt she speak in front of him? Maybe if he heard what she had to say, it might help break down some bricks for him, you know? It just sounds a bit sneaky talking about him like that when he is not there...because then I wonder what is she saying to him when you are not in the room?

***
Weepy, just read your post about the job.

Wow. What a co-incidence...not! A bigger Hand is at play here, and I am so glad that you are taking her up.

***
So BT, your mind prob wont be at ease until you have the tests, so be sure to let us know when....gives us an opportunity to bring out our tribal necklace and bows.
HAve you tried calling the Grad School...maybe the mail got lost. It happens!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that he still equates love with sex. HE knows I still equate affection with love. So I had to learn his language.
And he had to learn mine.
And then something happened -I really began to enjoy giving and receiving sex, and he really began to enjoy giving and receiving attention.

Wow... I really like that UKGirl, and it is so true for my H and I. In fact, I have learned how to think and react like he would and because of that H is better at getting me and my needs! Not really sure why it works that way...

I really feel conflicted when it comes to posting here anymore. I love reading all the great info, and I share the LTA thing, but our R is going so very well. So many are struggling and I don't want to post all these happy things and make others feel bad. Does anyone know what I mean???

I have 7 days till we leave for Destin Florida for vacation, and only 4 more days of work at my high school.... YAY!!!!
I can't wait to go, and the very best part is that when I come home, I'm still on vacation!!

It saddens me that so many are struggling... it's just not right or fair. The A's were our H's fault and we carry the burden of it with them. CRAZY...
Sometimes I wonder when it's all gonna happen again, but for the most part I am content today and that is what matters.
Mr. Lovin has been really caring and understanding, so I will take what He is giving!

BT,
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So many are struggling and I don't want to post all these happy things and make others feel bad
.

I know, as one struggling, that it does help me read about the happy stories. I have learnt ALOT from people like OTC and BT, who have shown that there IS a HAPPY AFTER after a LTA. I would have surely given up hope some time ago.
Also, what helped me, was learning about what worked or didnt work for them. They are our trailblazers.

EVERYONE IRL told me that this M had NO WAY of working out after dday#2. Even my mum, H's staunch supporter (heck even MIL!!) said she couldnt see R happening, and to consider staying just for the kids.

But this thread (with the happy R'ed..and there are others but my memory is bit shot today )kept the possibility alive for me...KWIM?

And btw, lovin, that was me, not UKg!

***
Goodnight Ma.

FSA and OTC...I do miss you guys.

[This message edited by Lost Heart at 3:43 PM, May 15th (Thursday)]


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DUH!!! Sorry LostHeart.... it must be my advanced age...

So I guess your saying that I should keep posting???


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is totally helpful to read that positive things are possible!

If I came here and read only bad, bad, bad I don't think I could ever move on & begin to trust my H, yk?

I've been angry beyond belief today. I printed a post earlier and left it at H's work for him to read with a nasty letter on the back with a bunch of "how fucking dare you x,y,z...." I've also been struggling to not go for revenge against ow- She lived in my house as my friend- it's not like she's some stranger. I'm trying to repeatedly tell myself that it's not worth it and she will only get satisfaction but I didn't realize anger like this is possible. AGH- H is calling as I type- He must have gotten the mail.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all, I usually don't post much, but read everything you all post.

ws has agreed to take a polygraph. Now I can only think of a couple questions, I would love to have some imput if possible. I never thought I would ask this, but I'm just not moving past it yet.


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes lovinlife please keep posting the positives so we know that there is hope. It's encouraging to read good things after LTA.
{{{lovinlife & FWH}}}

Weepy good for you! I'd like a work-at-home job but I'm no typist and haven't seen anything else offered in this area.

I don’t have the confidence to put them to my H, I might not like his answers and they might throw up more Q’ns
UKgirl I have the same fear!

Sorry goingtomakeit I have no idea about polygraph questions. What about some of the question in the Library for WS's?

{{{Whatnow28}}}

Take care all. {{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi gang! I have been super busy lately & the funeral for my friend's son has been emotionally tough. Thank you to all who posted and sent positive thoughts my way. I love you guys...

But I wanted to let you know that I am reading & keeping tabs on you all

BT Special positive thoughts to you. I'm no good at the waiting game, either. You are in my prayers.

Heartbroken


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
couldntbeme
♀ Member
Member # 19448
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my second post to LTA's. The truth has been trickling for 4 weeks now. I found out tonight that he actually never ended the A, despite 3 weeks of promises, tears, begging and remorse. H and I are both in IC. I won't go to MC until he works on himself. My anger and rage is out of control. Have you ever gotten so angry that you're numb? Can't cry? I'm begging for answers. Someone, please shed some light on this f@*3'd up world I'm living in. He spends more time pointing out my "attacking" him and that he feels defensive when I'm like that or he argues over semantics instead of actually offering true full disclosure. I'm arguing with an adolescent. I swear I feel like I'm having flashbacks w/ my mother. Does he not get that he was f@*&ing and in love w/ another woman for THREE YEARS? Am I supposed to be smiling and thanking him while I beg this info out of him? 3 weeks of him promising it's all out one day, only to find out two days later that... hmmm.... no not really .... here's just a little more. How can I heal? I'm lost.

[This message edited by couldntbeme at 1:28 AM, May 16th (Friday)]


Posts: 107 | Registered: May 2008
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry couldntbeme. He has made a bad situation worse with dragging out his A and lying to you. You have to tell him this. He has to be told that the lying stops right now. He has got so much work to do if he ever thinks he will regain your trust. I would strongly suggest the following.

First and foremost a letter of closure and NC to OW TODAY. There are plenty here who can help you with that. Secondly, the 180 for you. Until you KNOW he has stopped all contact, he does not deserve one second of your attention. You’ll find that in the Healing Library under BS FAQ’s. There is absolutely no point in asking him anything while he is in the fog and in denial big time.

Concentrate on looking after yourself. If you can’t sleep, if you are sinking rapidly into depression of feel you really can’t cope with your turmoil, get some meds to help over the next six months. If your appetite has disappeared, try to eat five small meals a day, drink plenty of calming teas. Take yourself off for exercise, it does help. Gym, swim, power walk, whatever. Fresh air too. And read, read, read.

Don’t let him get away with it – set out your boundaries. Get that letter out. If she’s married, tell her H.

Big hugs, (((((cnbm))))). I’ll check in later.

And yes, I do know that numb feeling. Shock. I don't remember much of the first four months, it was just a blur. Don't worry, holding your hand here.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 6:01 AM, May 16th (Friday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostH. Re my FWH becoming emotionally detached to the point of being cold and just playing out for time. He would say and text her “I love you” and propose to her (eg, “will you marry me this side of eternity”, “when we are married”, “when we are together forever” and other romantic crap). We were at the end of the session and he went off to use her loo before we left. Just something she mentioned as his way of dealing with it. OW wanted to hear it, so he said it. Pretty fucking stupid, if you ask me. She wasn't playing the same game and so had no idea about his rules. But MC said it was a common coping mechanism, giving someone what they want to hear just to shut them up.

I am feeling that I want a divorce right now. I want one because of him saying he had waited in limbo for 25yrs as if I was a kind of “make do to pass the time” until he found her again.
Because he gave her the impression that I dragged him up the aisle (said I had chosen the church and made the date and he should be there).
Because he has never actually proposed to me, not really. He suggested it might be a good idea, I think he was looking to buy a house, as my parents were unlikely to see a white wedding for any of their children. (Older bro m’d for financial reasons, they were starting a family. A total of twelve at the wedding, then we went to the pub. Sis never m’d the father of her two and they split after 8yrs. Twin bro who had two broken engagements announced he was NOT going to get m’d.)
Because he found it in his heart to ask her to marry him not just once back in ’75 or whenever, but several times during the A as “part of the game”. Which makes me feel I was part of his game.
I really don’t want to be married to him and I to dissolve this old one since it didn’t mean shit to him.
Because it would appear he only realised he loved me on the night he confessed, after being with me for 29yrs. Well, thanks buddy, but I don’t think you know what love really is.
But what do I do? I don’t think any lawyer is going to take up my case, they’d think I was balmy.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 6:30 AM, May 16th (Friday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
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