HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY WEEPY!!! Sounds like the day and evening was just fine. And I think the cards for you to find were a sweet gesture too. I know the feeling when you open one up and think ďthis looks familiarĒ except for me it was knowing he had not even bothered to go out and buy a card, he just went to my ďstashĒ and picked one. Heíd think I didnít know??
BT. What great news. All that hanging about on tenter hooks. Relief all round now. We knew you could do it, so have a pat on the back. Are you on time off til then?
Canbird. Oh my, what to say. Sheís got it really bad, hasnít she? I honestly think the only option is for your FWH to send a letter of NC. Really. A letter to tell her it is OVER and that he wants reconciliation with his BW. And that she is NOT to put herself down on his operation schedule or HR will have to be informed. It seems your H just is not being firm enough on this issue and she thinks there is a chance to wheedle her way back in. Have you seen the marriagebuilders video? Itís 30mins long or so, but I would suggest you both watch it. They cannot carry on being ďfriendsĒ in the workplace, they canít really carry on working together. Some employers state very clearly that if a relationship develops, one or the other should seek employment elsewhere b/c it affects the work environment for everyone. And threats of suicide are not unusual, itís that last throw of the dice. If he is willing to send a letter of this sort to her, then you have a chance. But I honestly think the OW is never going to give up and that there is a chance he will slowly slide back into a clandestine relationship with her again caused by the drip-drip effect of her constantly being around and available. Sorry, Canbird. Wish there was something else I could say.
So Lost, I get where you are coming from exactly! I find it easier to close down rather than say something I might later regret. I said to FWH the other night that I just canít say some of the things I am thinking and feeling. I want to, but I donít want to take my heart and soul and put them on the table for him see just how much I can bleed without dying. I had no choice when he ripped them from me on DDay and he is never going to have me so completely ever again. Right now, although he tells me every day that he loves me, I canít say it back. It hurts too much.
Loviní Have a great time!
LostH. Iíll never be a butterfly, bit late for that! I donít understand how he can be so apparently remorseful since DDay, yet he didnít give a shit while he was nurturing his affair, while he was with her, while he was having his internal debate about who he wanted to be with. He wanted to be with her, it was just too intense. And yet that was also what he craved. And it was the way he went about it. Deliberately. He had decided he was going to shag her, it wasnít just ďone of those thingsĒ. He wined and dined her and then took her to his room and fucked her. He says to move on with him, but thatís what he wants now. And I do wonder if I had found out before it burnt out. Sometimes I want to slap him so hard, just to feel that sting on my hand and wanting it to hurt his soul as well as his flesh. Kwim?
I have been lurking here for a couple of months, and Keep getting great advise and help.
a little history, Been married 14 years, H had a EA 4+ years turned into PA for 7+ years, yeah I know just writing it kills me
I read all these posts and I still can't believe there are so many of us here how f*ing scary.
I am at the place today asking, are we all that stupid to want to try to mend the shit they did, what is wrong with this picture.
I really struggle with this and go back and forth sometimes 25 times a day. What the fuck am I doing our whole fucking marriage he lied, how the hell can I really think This will work, then I say but he is remorseful actions are matching his words complete transparency, not holding a dam thing back sometimes to much info,ect.ect. but then my mind starts: am I really this fucking stupid to believe :barf
I know time, time, time and to stay focused on myself, which I really am trying I just want some stability with my thoughts around this and I seem to be so stuck with answering this question for myself.
Thanks for listening it does help writing it out.
I was so busy preparing for the tornado, that I didn't see it coming!!
You blame all your neuroses on dad's affair, when really it's just become your scapegoat so you can be selfish and irrational. You don't want to deal with anyone or anything that might upset or annoy you, so you just push us all away.
[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 7:43 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)]
Lost, the biopsy is Monday and I should get the results 2-3 days later.
How old is your daughter?
The best analogy I can use when this comes up is they need to think of us as having been in a terrible accident. Every bone in our body was shattered and although we are rehabbing and doing the physical therapy (MC/IC/Books/Meds) we will NEVER look, feel, move the same way again.
I talked to my IC about how angry I get at the slightest even perceived. insult. And she told me that it was a a cumulative issue. The bottom layer BEING the affairs. Everything else that happens just builds on that.
She asked me if I was that sensitive all my life. I told her that the last 15 years of my life I've lived either with a husband involved in an affair or recovering from an affair. SO to think back over 15 years and ask if I'd been that sensitive..... Yes, I can think about before Dday vs today, but not back when my children were infants. I'm sure I got angry, but I was the "slam some pots, stomp around, yell a while and then forget it type". Now I don't forget. It's almost like it's VITAL to record and remember every nuance of life.
And maybe you aren't specifically bringing up the affair with your kids, but the annoyance you might express about "their father" is probably not something you did before or did it with a different kind of "yeah, that's your father" kind of attitude rather than "yeah, that's your asshole father" kind of attitude. I've caught myself doing it. Asking my son if I heard what he'd said right or if I was being too sensitive. Like a reality check. He doesn't need to be brought into that... I should be asking my H what he meant, what he said. Or carry around a tape recorder.
I also tend to overanalyze and speak "therapist" to the kids. DS appreciates it sometimes, but others, just blows me off, gets agitated. DD won't even listen to it.
But it is a case of unless you've walked in these shoes, you won't ever truly understand, no matter how we try to explain it. Maybe it's best to just tell her that you're doing what you can, that you're trying hard, but you can only heal on your time line not on anyone else's no matter how much they want "their old mom" back.
I taped the PBS special on depression last night. I'm going to review it and see if my family should look at it. There might be some good material there for us.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 9:16 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)]
It is like a emotional tsunami. This odd feeling that something is going to happen, then the wave hits and itís as much as you can do to keep breathing and stay alive as you are swept along with all the debris and disgusting detritus, getting slammed again and again as you try to find something solid to hang onto. When the water level subsides, all you can see is a ravaged, barren landscape with a changed horizon where your life used to be.
I also think it is a case of "the elephant in the room" with all of us.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 9:16 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)]
If she has already apologized, I would probably let it go with her. I'm sure she does have lots of hurt from the affair, and as the trustworthy parent, you are going to be the one she goes to with it. Unfair, probably, but it is the way it seems to go. She knows she was out of line, and even the best kids get pissy once in a while. The one thing I might do is research and find a good IC for her and give her the name and number.
And frankly, I think her seeing you standing up for yourself and fulfilling your own needs is one of the best life lessons you can give her. That is what we all need to do, always. Including you. Including her.
But you might also want to use her words as a prompt to take a look at yourself. I think we all run through life on autopilot most of the time without taking a minute to stop and look at what we are doing, whether it is what we want to be doing, and what changes we could make that would make us happier and more fulfilled.
This might be a good stopping point for you to do that. Maybe there are some things you want to change. Or maybe not. Just the action of looking is beneficial in and of itself, I think.
[This message edited by BorrowTrouble at 9:40 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)]
[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 11:33 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)]
Thank you for trusting us enough to share those fears with us. I, for one, understand every one of them and had more than a few of the same ones myself.
How do you feel after writing them out?
you hit the nail on the head is there anyway I can copy this, this is everything I am feeling and finding such a difficult time putting it into words.
I know you have talked about MC, but do you do IC?
If your H is doing most everything he can to help, then the rest is up to you. I know I would never have been able to get over my fears by myself. I needed the help of a professional. Doing IC was the ultimate act of self-care for me.
If you aren't doing it, I would strongly urge you to. If you are, maybe you should think about finding someone with a different approach who can focus on different areas.
It's so bad that she asked me if I thought she was helping at all because I hadn't seemed to let go of any of my fears/concerns about this M. And her advice, if I still felt this way almost 3 years out, leave him. Not because I don't love him, not because of the affairs, but because no one can live healthy with all that going on.
She said she could help me with the judgement, and truly, I don't think my judgement now is any faultier than it was then, I'm just wiser and have new information which makes the judgement harder. I feel safe with 2 people, myself and my son. I don't MIStrust other people, just wouldn't trust them with anything I held precious ever again.
I'm not worried about feeling proud of myself or my M. Yeah, I used to sing along with Shania, but that confidence is gone and I've accepted it. My marriage failed. There's no shame there, I didn't destroy it.
I keep trying to tell the IC that I'm not concerned that my H is out there doing the same thing again. He knows what would happen and if he wants that, all he has to do is ask, he doesn't have to go through all that subterfuge again. I have to trust myself, that I will survive. I don't even have to "know" it's happening again. This time I'll leave because he was a horrible, abusive husband and father while he was cheating. And no, I haven't forgiven myself for staying while he was like that, just accepted that I did and know I won't again.
You're a strong, loving wonderful lady. And I know I'm proud to know you.