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Topic: Long Term Affairs XI
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Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515 |  Posted: 7:32 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2008 |     |
Thank you MIG and Weepy.
Hey, I am ok. I turned out alright. Still havent figured out the lesson that I was supposed to learn from that, though. Or maybe it just wasnt mine to learn.
***
And how are you guys doing?
Weepy, did you get your massage? I just came back from the hairdressers, and my hairs a diff colour and I have a fringe...ok.
I havent had a fringe in ...yonks! 
Thats what you get for going into the salon blind, and telling the hairdresser (is it still pc to call them that??  ),"Uh, do what you want but keep it neat and userfriendly cos I dont have the time or inclination to flaff around with gels and stuff!"
Well, lets see what my biggest critics (DDS)say about it.
***
the goings been rough and strange
MIG, dont mean to be a nag, but thats when you most need the Tribe, you know?
Is there anything you want to talk about?
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London | weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790 | | Posted: 7:58 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2008 | |
Morning folks.
No massage, but I got the name of one from my chiropractor. I did go to the store and spend $$ on new sneakers, jeans and some candles. H's gift to me was my dinner which is fine. DS called and said his gift should be arriving from Amazon today. DD still owes me one. This is typical of her giving IOUs out on Bdays and Christmas. Like I used to tell my H "Hey, these days don't just 'sneak' up on you. They're every year at the same time."  I know she promised me a new stand mixer for all the baking I've wanted to do, so maybe I better go price shopping to help her out.
Still haven't been able to make the equipment I got from the dictation service to work. But I checked and my doctors don't have any dictation on the server anyway. I figure I'd better start bringing in a little before I start spending again. Kind of hard to fathom that in 5 weeks, I won't have ANYTHING coming in. And on top of that, H never bothered to ask what he's getting paid in his new position. Unbelievable. He asked me yesterday what MY pay rate was and I told him. (the first time I mentioned working there, he said that was the FIRST thing I should find out) Then I said, "do you know what are you getting paid yet?" No. Guess we'll find out later today with the paycheck.
Off to shower and change for chiro appt. Tomorrow H cashes in his gift certificate for the soaring lesson, family picnic on Sunday and then the dreaded all day home alone with H on Monday.
Anybody here ever try Pilates? Chiro said it might be better suited for me than all the free weight stuff the trainer has me doing.
Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA | Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515 | | Posted: 8:14 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2008 | |
I did try Pilates, and yes, it is very good...esp for building your core stability, and if you have back problems.
It helps you discover muscles that you never knew you had.
And its something you can do at home alone with no stress or equipment...which explains why I dont do it!!
Getting off my box now.
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London | brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581 | | Posted: 8:45 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2008 | |
Weepy,
Pilates is *really* great if you're having back issues. Like LH said, it works core muscles so addresses strength, stability and flexibility all at once. I think it's best done one-on-one with a trainer, at least at first. Does your trainer do it?
And of course, having now just sung its praises, I think I completely wrenched all my rib muscles doing it last week , so you might not want to listen to me.
Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005
Posts: 1409 | Registered: Feb 2007 | weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790 | | Posted: 9:13 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2008 | |
My trainer is an ex-fighter, so he does a lot of jump rope, boxing, upper body weights. He does some core stuff with me too, like planks. When I told him I was injured yesterday, he got all freaked out thinking I was going to blame him or sue the gym I guess. He said he has no training in PT or really anything, just knows how to body build. Nice to know now, right? Guess I should have checked his credentials out with the management first. I have 12 more sessions so I guess I better ask them if they have someone more suited to that type of exercise.
There's a class on Sunday mornings at 11 AM and late at night. I could check one of them out first.
Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA | So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801 | | Posted: 1:48 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2008 | |
((((LH)))) Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I know that mus have been difficult to write out. I have one question...what is your son's name?
And on comment. You said...
I just wonder if he knows how much I love him. I wonder if he knows how sorry I am that I never got to carry him or feed him whilst he was alive. I wonder if he has forgiven me.
Yes, yes and he has nothing to forgive.
I am a nurse..was labor and delivery for years and now do a lot of education. I am appalled beyond belief that they gave you such a decision to make. That was cowardly. Who in their right mind would say yes to that at 35 weeks? Why would you? There was no reason to induce that early and so no fault to e given. It's horrible that by asking you that question they have given you a layer of guilt to live with forever.
H is grumpy today, which always seems to b a trigger for me. I worry that something is up, you know? He says no, just grumpy and that it's a part of life. Nothing is simple amymore.
We went looking at new rings. We cant afford it but I think we both feel it's necessary. i would like some sort of recommitment ceremony. Not with anyone else or for anyone else to know about..but just for us. At the very least we will have the priest bless the new rings when we get them. Of to exchange my mother's day necklace for white gold since the new rings will be white gold or platinum.
Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens
Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007 | UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062 | | Posted: 2:04 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2008 | |
I wonder if he has forgiven me.
Oh my dear friend and sister. Truly, there was nothing to forgive. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a baby. It would be too much, but I understand why you say that. (((((LostH)))))
It helps you discover muscles that you never knew you had.
I don’t have a bad back, maybe that’s while I have muscles I don’t know I’ve got …. If that makes sense! But after 4 vaginal births, I did my pelvic floor exercises ALL the time. And yes, along with that sucked in breath, wide-eyed look, like this: 
We went looking at new rings.
OOOHH, goody, goody!! I love positive moments. Make sure you choose the loveliest one. Know what? I’m jealous, but in a happy, upbeat sort of way. 
Meantime, my day has been ….. interesting. I’m not sure what’s on for the weekend, maybe nothing if I don’t introduce certain matters. But I am on the edge and I need to back down. Which may sound intriguing, but it’s more of the same old same old finding tidbits out that are not pleasant. A glass of vino is called for.
Just sending love and hugs. (((((Tribe)))))
D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 55 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.
Posts: 3181 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK | Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515 | | Posted: 2:16 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2008 | |
SoLost...ring shopping..yay!
Now Ukg and I would so love to tag along, wouldnt we, Ukg?
White gold and platinum are wow. What styles are you thinking of? What happened to the old ones?
And re H's grumpiness.
I used to be on edge when H got grumpy after dday..all these thoughts used to race around my head.
And then I slowly accepted that he will have bad days too, and that I needed to back off, ignore him carry on as normal, and he would come to me when he was ready. That has worked well for both of us.
***
((((Ukg))))
I imagine that you have alot on your mind. My advice: take it easy this weekend.
***
Any one have any experience with people with "special powers". No not like BT, but you know, psychic powers?
Just asking...
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London | So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801 | | Posted: 5:56 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2008 | |
Nothing happened to the old rings...still wearing them. But he is so proud tat he never took his off....so ewww, he touched her with that on. Ugh, it just bothers me. I feel like we need a new start and it's our 10 year anniversary and he agreed. lol. I am looking at either white gold or platinum with diamonds around the band and then a wedding band with diamonds all around it too Way more expensive then the original yellow gold plain bands. H wants platinum with a darker design in it. very nice.
Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens
Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007 | lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863 | | Posted: 8:18 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2008 | |
Just popping in to say hello to all. I am in TN at a campground with FWH!!! It is really beautiful here and we are having a great time!!
Went to Jack Daniels Distillery today, awesome tour. Wasn't sure I would like it but it was pretty neat.
Just sitting around the fire and enjoying the beautiful weather.Only 15 days left and then home. 
Miss my kids....
Hope everything is going well for all.
Together more than half our lives.
I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!
Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27
Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri | UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062 | | Posted: 4:47 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2008 | |
Why the fuck after all this time, nearly TWO YEARS, does he feel the need to carry on lying to me??? I know damn well what he did, and he denies it. I fucking hate this.
What a fuckwit. And he made me cry all bloody night and again this morning. I fucking hate him. and I let him make love to me - what the hell was I thinking? His way of saying he's sorry and he loves me. Yeh? So what was it with her? What a bastard.
Okay. Vent over. Carry on with your day. Sorry folks, thank you and I've gotta find somthing to do to get me out. And it won't be shopping with him, cos that's what he did with her "no I didn't". Yes you fucking well did.
Sorry. Vent really over now. 
D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 55 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.
Posts: 3181 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK | Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515 | | Posted: 2:11 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2008 | |
((((ukg))))
Hey, are you ok?
What is he lying about? Is it regarding some of the stuff you found out yesterday? Just a note of caution: unless you see it for yourself, you cant really trust anyone esp someone who may have ulterior motives, ok? 
***
Hi Lovinlife!
You 2 have 15 days alone together??!!
Wow. I dont know whether thats a good or bad thing.
Have a good time (although you may have started that at the distillary already..lol) and thanks for checking in.
****
HurtShirley??Are you ok? Please check in...just to let us know that you are. You are in my thoughts.
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London | lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863 | | Posted: 4:13 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2008 | |
LostHeart,
The distillery was cool but I am not a whisky kinda woman. I much prefer a good cold beer!!
Actually FWH and I have shared several beers and had quite a GREAT time after... KWIM..
And we get along fine, never really argue, so 15 days could easily be 30 and that would be wonderful to me.
UKGirl,
Can't say that I have read all, but enough to know that you are upset!! WTF... what is going on?? I have a really hot blazing fire here in TN--- would you like to ship him here and we could put him on the spit for awhile??
All joking around... is everything OK? Please let us know....
FWH nd I leave here tomorrow for an RV park close to the coast in Alabama. If we have internet I will check and see how everyone is. Once we reach our destination in Destin, we won't have internet.... unless we go to Starbuck's. We will see......
Luv to all...
Together more than half our lives.
I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!
Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27
Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri | UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062 | | Posted: 4:12 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2008 | |
I can’t believe it. He’s rewritten history. He’s shrunk it down, right the way down until one day it’ll just be his "little" mistake and never meant anything at all other than a minor distraction. He’ll pretend that he wasn’t that involved, that it was going nowhere and that SHE was the one who wouldn’t let it go and SHE made his life a misery. That it was never a lurve affair, that he didn’t see her that often, that they didn’t do ordinary things together, let alone at his instigation, that he didn’t take her anywhere special, that they never had that many consecutive days and nights together, that he was, in fact, at home or working away from home when I went off with DS4 and a friend on mini breaks in the holidays. And he did go on those golfing trips. And he stopped emailing her years ago. AARRGGHHH!! No he fucking didn’t. 
And then he says he’ll never do anything to hurt me again.
Guess I should just stop asking questions, b/c he is incapable of telling the truth.
D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 55 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.
Posts: 3181 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK | UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062 | | Posted: 7:06 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2008 | |
I’m sorry, I’m being really selfish here, but I seem to be in a box without windows. I can’t relate to anything outside of me right now, but, please, I would really appreciate anyone’s thoughts on this. I’ve just written this in my diary. While it’s not an epiphany, it is something I have not thought about in depth before, I’ve only thought “that’s just how FWH is” without examining properly.
While I was in the gym, I got to thinking about his personality. He is extreme. Everything he does is all or nothing. His memories from childhood are of taking up something and being completely involved, whether heraldry, bird spotting, fishing, making dens, football and rugby. And of being the best at everything. So very competitive. If he couldn’t be up there in the top tiny percentage of “successful” candidates (for whatever) it wasn’t worth pursuing. The one who’s name was at the top for learning multiplication tables, the one to stand in front of the class for his project, the top in the top class for English, Maths, Geography, History - everything. Picked for the first team in all sport – rugby, football, hockey, swimming (he was also a beach life guard), tennis, squash. When in training, he couldn’t just go for a run, he had to go ten bloody miles. DS4 learning archery, he couldn’t just watch, he had to take it up too. And be good at it. So. When he met MOW again, it was going to be all or nothing. As with everything else in his life, he had to pursue and pursue again, obsess and be consumed by the affair. It couldn’t be anything other than torrid and full of angst. He was constantly reaching for the ultimate goal but actually, he didn’t really want it, even though it was there for the taking. The one off shag simply wasn’t enough, that was too easy. He had to make her sick for him. He had to have her completely. He had to break her heart (again) and he had to break mine too in order to feel more alive and feel he had achieved something, even if it was all negative. While it may work in the examination halls, in the pursuit of a career, in the workplace, it is destructive to take the same attitude in personal relationships.
No wonder I’m not enough for him – no one can be enough because he cannot be enough for himself. He is constantly looking for the next challenge or goal in his life.
Any opinions? I had always thought I was the calm to his storm. But is he so arrogant, selfish and full of himself that there is no room for me? If you have nothing to say, please just send me a hug. I feel very alone.
D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 55 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.
Posts: 3181 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK | Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515 | | Posted: 7:09 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2008 | |
((((ukg)))))
I dont know what to say. Sounds like he is losing the plot....
Look, I dont want to alarm you, but I am just thinking out aloud...
he is old right; he has had all these shocks; he has had to face himself and realise that he is in his 50's and most of his adult life has been a lie; that he has deeply, maybe irrevocably hurt his most beloved...and most of all, to a man like Mr Ukg, whose ego is as tall as he is, he has let himself down.
So do you think that he is heading for a breakdown, and in minimising what he did, is a desperate attempt not to bring that last wall down??
You know the truth, Ukg, at least parts of it.
Just hang onto your sanity.
((((ukg)))))
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London | weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790 | | Posted: 7:20 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2008 | |
Guess I should just stop asking questions, b/c he is incapable of telling the truth .
I did it. But it keeps the anger alive.. until I get to a point of just accepting that he did everything he lied about doing. I'm just going to have to accept that or walk away. The anger that his lies invoke, that his mere presence invokes sometimes is going to kill me and you.
No wonder I’m not enough for him
That is certainly negated by your next statement....
no one can be enough because he cannot be enough for himself. He is constantly looking for the next challenge or goal in his life.
And I believe LH may have hit on it, I know it's the sitch with my H.
he is old right; he has had all these shocks; he has had to face himself and realise that he is in his 50's and most of his adult life has been a lie; that he has deeply, maybe irrevocably hurt his most beloved...and most of all, to a man like Mr Ukg, whose ego is as tall as he is, he has let himself down.
So do you think that he is heading for a breakdown, and in minimising what he did, is a desperate attempt not to bring that last wall down??
He told me he can't bear to think about that time at all. I don't think he's minimizing the damage to you, to your M, but incapable of acknowledging it without destroying himself.
Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA | weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790 | | Posted: 7:26 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2008 | |
And on a good note... H and I bought "me" a new car yesterday. I laughed because he had to co-sign for me. The poor salesman. Thought he had it all wrapped up then I handed him the loan application with NO EMPLOYER.
So I lowered my car payment by $75, upped my gas mileage by 2-3X and it's 6 years newer. But I already miss my old comfy one...
I let him think he was buying it for me for my birthday. Then he kept saying he has to come up with $5K for the downpayment and every time I gently remind him that its coming out of OUR savings. There is no HE or I especially when it comes to money. THAT attitude has to go.
So I'm waiting until I wake up more and go out and get the manual. YEs, we bought foreign this time and I don't know where anything is situated.
Take care ladies. I think I'm off here for today.
Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA | mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772 | | Posted: 8:16 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2008 | |
(((((hugs))))) ((((ukg)))))
too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..
Posts: 658 | Registered: Jan 2008 | BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435 | | Posted: 8:29 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2008 | |
UK,
I wish I was there to give you a hug, my friend. These cyber hugs just don't cut it.
You know, the problem with larger than life characters is that their mistakes are larger than life, too. And, as Lost pointed out, so are their egos and their ego defenses.
People who require that kind of intensity in life usually have a lot of holes in their psyche, places they cannot bear to look at and so they find distraction in life. When life becomes too calm, they find a new challenge a new distraction.
Your analysis of his character seems very consistent with what you have told us of the affair and also with what he has written. He has a couple choices about the affair. He can think of it as a great love affair (which sounds like what he did during the affair) that he has to give up for "convention" and "responsibilities". And he could continue to think of it that way to his grave. Or he can think of it as an incredibly dire mistake that can tell him a lot about himself and the work he needs to do on himself. Or he can minimize it to the point where it doesn't seem very important and he doesn't have to think about it anymore.
Personally, I wouldn't want to live with a spouse who views the affair as a great love lost. That would be unbearable to me, and it sounds like he knows its not true.
I think lots of WS choose that third option -- minimization -- which is a shame IMO. Then pretty much all the affair has brought is destruction, not just to spouses and families and OPs, but to the WS themself. The one good thing -- and it is a monumentally good thing -- that has come out of d-day for us is that we both took a good look at ourselves and our marriage and we fixed what needed fixing. If we had not been able to make something very good out of the wreckage, I don't think I would have been able to stay in the marriage.
When I look at my husband, myself and my marriage pre-dday, I see a whole lot that needed changing, lots of problems and distance and dysfunctional behavior on both sides. Lots of things I ignored, or despaired of but didn't seriously try to work on.
I also see another great loss from the affair, and perhaps it is something that you can relate to: the affair took away my feeling that my husband was somehow on a different plane than me. Mine is a somewhat larger than life character also and one of the big hurts of d-day was losing one of my own personal heros, someone I really admired and, despite everything, believed in. It sounds like perhaps you are experiencing some of that as well.
I was always so proud that this wonderful healer, businessman, musician, craftsman, raconteur, charmer was mine. That he loved me and only me. Once I quit working and focused solely on family, my self-image came mostly from my position as wife and mom, and especially wife to such a charming, larger-than-life guy whom everyone loved and respected. The affair killed that part of my self-image and it killed my respect and admiration for my husband. It took a long, long time for me to replace that part of my self-image with what should have been there all along -- an appreciation for who I am apart from anyone else. It also took a lot of work on my husband's part in facing his demons and conquering them. He's not perfect now by any means -- we're both still a work in progress. But I have enormous respect for the journey he has traveled and the changes he has made since d-day.
I know I've pushed you to this before, UK. But I really think that some IC for the two of you would help at this point. He's got stuff to face and you need a ear and some support IRL.
BT
D-day 7/29/04.
Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003 | | Topic Posts: 1000 | |
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