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Newest Member: iknowiwillbeok (43219)

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User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

was that he doesnt think he deserves to be happy, after what he did. And what he fails to see, IMHO, is that he is bringing us all down with this...that he will end up sabotaging everything if he continues.
Do you feel the same about your H?

Yes, my H has even said once that he doesn't deserve happiness after what he did. And he knows he's bringing me down with it--and most of the time tries to put on a good face. But I can tell he's not ever without those feelings. He was in IC, with someone he connected with, but the therapist got sick so it's on hold for now. Boy do we both hope the therapist gets better!

Of course, part of my own issue is when he's trying hard to connect with our M, and doing stuff that reaches out to me, I just think it's a front or not real or something--I wish I could just appreciate his efforts more, and not spend so much time wondering about his motivations or underlying emotional state. But his state of mind does affect me, and not in a positive way.

I'm still grieving the loss of the state of the marriage I'd expected after 30 years--more affection and acceptance and love, without any worries about an intervening LTA's memories or feelings mixed in with it. And I don't think H is missing the LTA or comparing, but I'll never believe that it doesn't affect his own feelings and reactions in some way.

I'm hoping it's another thing that time will help, for both of us. Day to day is good, but I'm with fnf, if too much time goes by without sex or some sort of physical affection, I'm right back in the midst of my wary, suspicious, and cynical state of mind. Helps to see I'm not alone in this, though!


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
acreswild
♂ Member
Member # 19371
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Posting to both LTA and reconciliation….

Well much as I expected, WS finally admitted that she never told the OM that she was sorry for what she did… that, of course, would have been a serious buzz kill.. and that’s why they could continue to have a “friendship” and reminisce about the good old times for all these years..

I expect that she didn’t tell him because she really didn’t feel sorry about what she had done.. at least not until 3 months ago when I found out about it

Now she has all kinds of sorrow.. some real, for what she has done to me.. but much of it still selfish for what this might do to her and her comfortable lifestyle.. she wont yet cleanly admit that she felt no remorse until caught.. but I am sure its true…

So now WTF do I do??? This is some serious shit…she couldn’t even say it out loud.that she did not tell him she was sorry that they did this… she knew how damaging that is... but I demanded that she did… now I must deal with an A that really lasted much longer than even she admitted to start.. sure the real sex stopped but the affair was kept alive and the flames were fanned intermittently… and with no remorse…

I now think that I cant continue with this crap much longer.. there were other revelations tonight as well.. more half-truths uncovered.. more telling info about her real nature.. but the lack of remorse is the killer… don’t know that I want or need someone like that in my life…

Help!!


BS-Me-59
WW- Her-59
Married 36 years
PA/EA/?A...depends on definition....
She finally admitted an old 3-4 year affair ( over 25 years ago) followed by a very sporadic on-again off-again 8 year PA followed by lengthy EA that would likely still be

Posts: 409 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Chicago
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

was that he doesnt think he deserves to be happy, after what he did. And what he fails to see, IMHO, is that he is bringing us all down with this...that he will end up sabotaging everything if he continues.
Do you feel the same about your H?

My H went through this phase and then right out of it again. He used to say that if he stayed "there" he couldn't help me, but it was really that he couldn't bear feeling that badly about what he'd done, about being found out for what he really was. So he let IC build him up about what he was doing NOW and how great he was for being faithful and sticking in this while his wife was a lunatic.

I don't know what's worse, watching them beat themselves up and feeling that compassion for them, or having them write off what they did as a "mistake" they'll never make again and that makes it ok now. No, he'll never say the As were ok to have, or the hurt was ok, nothing about it is really justifiable to him, it's just that since it's over, there's no use dwelling on it. Even if there is residual damage.

So now WTF do I do

acres, you continue to take care of yourself and to press her for honesty and transparency. What you're seeing is not unusual. I got tons of half truths, "forgotten" dates, places, people. And the fact that she felt no remorse during the A is also not unusual. If they did, there would have been an end to the A. No more "fix".

My H actually did stop long before I found out. He did wake up and realize what he was doing was wrong and destroying himself and all those around him, even if they didn't know what was going on at the time. He even tried to make amends, but none of that counts to me any more. It used to. There was a WS on her who told me that my H was strong because he ended them on his own without my finding out. When in reality, it was his OW that changed the rules and he HAD to get out or risk me finding out because he'd been arrested or something... that is because HE could have been hurt by the A.

They are screwed up people, no doubt. The first thing my H's IC worked on was asking him to think about the consequences of his actions and his words BEFORE he did or said. He'd never done that before, just did whatever he wanted without considering the feelings of others.... he didn't even realize he was hurting people or making stupid decisions.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
acreswild
♂ Member
Member # 19371
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy,
yes it does seem they are all the same at the core.. self centered, non-introspective, quick to act, with no forethought about consequences.. or at least no significant thought...
I had written about her affair 3 months ago.. just after finding out... most of what I thought has turned out to be true.. she knew it then.. but refused to admit much of it.. maybe even to herself... and now she has wasted another 3 months of my precious time trying to hide, dodge, shade, and otherwise avoid the truth..
selfishly seek pleasure, selfishly avoid discomfort.. all the same...she has continued to put her immediate comfort ahead of me and our marriage...
and she wonders why I am still asking questions..
last night was the ultimate stupid dodge.. she said "she hates to tell me thinks because it always puts me in a funk"... no shit!! did she think I was going to put on my party hat.. I dont think she really gets it yet... she only seems to really tell the truth when I pressure her.. do one nice thing and she finds more wiggle room that things will be great.. damn I hate this crap


BS-Me-59
WW- Her-59
Married 36 years
PA/EA/?A...depends on definition....
She finally admitted an old 3-4 year affair ( over 25 years ago) followed by a very sporadic on-again off-again 8 year PA followed by lengthy EA that would likely still be

Posts: 409 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Chicago
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's fairly common that people in affairs don't feel real remorse until they are caught. Remember, they've convinced themselves that the affair doesn't hurt anyone if their spouse doesn't find out.

Denial is an amazingly powerful thing.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she hates to tell me thinks because it always puts me in a funk

acres, I heard this in it's own variation too. And it always galled me that the BS had to make a "safe" place for the WS to talk.

But I started telling him that this was all new information to me, although it wasn't to him, and I needed time and space to process it all.

I finally stopped asking questions, I was getting nowhere. My IC then drilled into me that it really "doesn't matter" whether it was 50 or 100 women, 5 years or 7 years, or even any other LTAs or STAs that he didn't own up to. All that mattered was it happened at all. Not to focus on the minute details because they wouldn't remember them the way they really happened anyway as a result of the "pressure" or limerance of the affair. It screws with their head.

My H didn't even remember half of what was going on in his "real" life during that period. I can't fathom what it's like to actually TRY to forget something you've done, especially if you're also trying to minimize it in your mind. Pretty soon it becomes and insignificant piece of information. (to them)

My H had an LTA with one woman and visited "spas" in our city dozens upon dozens of times. I asked him where they were located, he "couldn't" remember (didn't want to). He told me exactly 3 sentences his OW might have said to him in all those years. Otherwise he said, what she was saying meant NOTHING to him, what he was saying meant NOTHING, so why remember it?

I keep hoping that one day he'll actually talk to me about it, but I'm not counting on it.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
snowbaby796
♀ Member
Member # 13882
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the lakc of remorse is not just because they don't think they will get caught, but because as my WH says "I didn't think of you" or "I didn't do it to hurt you" They just thought of themselves and what they wanted, and the thought that it might hurt someone else didn't enter into their selfish little minds, it might've wrecked their fun!


"Betrayal of yourself is still betrayal nonetheless, it is the highest betrayal" Neale Donald Walsch
"State the obvious I didn't get my perfect fantasy I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me" Taylor Swift

Posts: 563 | Registered: Mar 2007
acreswild
♂ Member
Member # 19371
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Snow Baby...

couldnt have said it any better myself.. thats it in a nutshell.. I have come to realize that this had absolutely nothing to do with me... one way or another.. i wasnt even in the picture... just a cipher

and weepy.. I am now obsessed by the details since each new revelation seems to put this into a new light.. I have changed my theory on why this happened and have now have asked for a blow-by-blow ( no pun intended) of a typical day-in-the-life of the 2 of them,complete with sound and video.. mean nasty yes.. there are aspects of this details of this affair that will shed some more light on the big WHY

at least I hope so.. or I am gonna go crazy from thinking about this anymore

wish me luck , kids


BS-Me-59
WW- Her-59
Married 36 years
PA/EA/?A...depends on definition....
She finally admitted an old 3-4 year affair ( over 25 years ago) followed by a very sporadic on-again off-again 8 year PA followed by lengthy EA that would likely still be

Posts: 409 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Chicago
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone,
I am new to this forum and if you read my profile you'll see that this is probably the forum I belong on. Found out last Friday 5/23 that H has never ended it with OW. He said he was sorry, doesn't know why he continues to see her, doesn't know if he wants to continue to be married. I asked him to stop seeing her and that I wanted to renew our vows since our vows from almost 20 years ago obiviously meant nothing to him. He wants to do that too but has not ended it with OW that I know of. She is recovering from Breast Reconstruction surgery and I know he feels bad for all she's been through. Says he cares about her but doesn't love her. I am stuck and here's why.
1)don't want my marriage to end.
2)don't want her to win (she had an affair with her supervisor and his wife divorced him--I don't want her to break up my family too)
3) do not want to give up my home and financially it would be really hard for me to make it with the debt we have.
I have started reading the divorce remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis in hopes of doing the 180 but what about sex? I am torn with this as I want to because I want to be and feel close to him but at the same time don't want to to punish him. It's the only thing I have left since he has taken my self-esteem and dignity. He will probably turn towards her more anyway if I don't do it.
Thoughts? I know that I am probably stupid and you all might say give up. My mind may be there but my heart isn't.
Help!


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lookingforlove,

Welcome. I'm so sorry that you have reason to join us. If your H has not ended it with the OW, it is imperative that you do the 180. There can be NO reconciliation when there are still three people in your Marriage. He has to go completely No contact with her in order to start the very long process of rebuilding your marriage. I know you want to feel close to him via sex, but right now you are enabling him to cake eat- to have her AND you. You deserve better than that. If he has feelings for her, well so be it. But he is married to YOU and made the vows to YOU. She should be no consideration at this point if he wants to continue in the marriage. I have heard from others how incredibly hard it is to do the 180, but you need to find the strength to do this for yourself. You will gain support in this forum and the others to do this. You can. This is the first step. Your H is still in what we refer to as the "fog"- he's not thinking clearly and still involved with the OW. He can't get out of the fog unless he STOPs the Affair.

HUGS,
Heartbroken


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh looking... what are your choices here? He hasn't given her up, so you don't have a marriage now, why renew the vows? Until he knows and is ready to understand and abide by them, then it's a waste of time, IMO.

The only way this works is for him to throw her under the bus, breast cancer and all. If he can't dump her and commit to you.... And did he tell you he had and then you found out he hadn't?

My H got one chance, one only. He even speaks to someone commmitting adultery and our life together is over and I don't have a job, have two kids in college and all our finances are stuck together... he'd benefit financially in a divorce, but I would in a heartbeat if he was still seeing OW.

Don't give up your home but make it harder on him. Tell him to leave until he "decides". And while he's gone, his financial obligations to you and your children continue. Your lifestyle shouldn't have to change because of his horrendous choice.

I'll be the first to tell you, you CAN live without the sex. I did for almost 10 years. Intimacy in a M does not = just sex in the bedroom. It can't happen with 3 people in a relationship. Sex is not the only thing you have left, you have your dignity. The ONLY mistake I feel I made at the start of this whole R thing was that I begged him not to leave me. I am ashamed and will never forgive myself for not kicking him to the curb that night. He suffered NOTHING.

Your H and OW don't apparently care about their sons' welfares. I applaud you for caring, but without her H knowing, she is "winning". You've been in his spot, wouldn't you have wanted someone to fill you in? The boys will survive losing one friend. Maybe you're afraid of the stigma her son will have attached as the son of a OW/WW? There are innocents in this whole mess, but she is not one of them. I wouldn't give her life trauma a second thought.

There's an article on detachment in Inspirations and here's a link I found very helpful on boundaries.

http://www.joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

It takes a while for the heart to catch up to what the head is saying. I'm not saying give up on your M since you want to save it, but set yourself some boundaries, get a voice in how your M evolves from here on in or he has no incentive to change.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy--Thanks for the words of wisom. Two things: 1)yes he claimed it was over and I found out it wasn't and confronted--he then said he had never ended it. 2) she is divorced, so telling her ex will not stop anything although I know where to find him.
I want to renew vows but will not as long as she is in the picture and have told him this. The vows he said to me mean nothing to me now. Neither one of us can afford to stay in the house by ourselves--I have worked this out on paper and if he got a place of his own and paid half the bills of our house and his too--he couldn't make and vice versa. The only way to do this would be to sell the house and split the money. I could help pay off the debt and probably be able to make it. My plan is to pay off debt which might take a couple of years. This could work as my oldest will be attending community college in september while living at home and then transfer to University. I want to implement 180 during this time which I have never done and yes I did the same thing you did--beg, pleaded, yelled for him to dump her and felt worse for it.
I know that I need to make a change as he has not suffered any consequences for what he has done. I just don't know where to start and am afraid to make things worse for me and the kids....


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not been on the boards as H is busy with getting interviews and hogging pc, internet and study. This time, I really want him to get a job that he feels good about, not an easy peasy one that brings the income just to leave him free to concentrate on me. I don’t think that’s good for his self-esteem. Or me. If the job is challenging, interesting and gives him targets, he will be up for that. Which, in turn will give him some sense of worth as contributor to the house and to me and the knock on effect is that I will feel better because he will be happy. Well, happier which could turn into being generally happy. And then maybe I can get on with my life without constantly dwelling on all this LTA crap and then I rediscover a basic level of happiness too.

Yes, my H has even said once that he doesn't deserve happiness after what he did.

And yes, wimsey, I relate to that. He even said he didn’t deserve a decent car. I’m tired of him beating himself up and constantly saying he’s sorry. I don’t think he’s sorry - “Don’t tell me that you’re sorry coz you’re not, you’re only sorry you got caught.” He just wishes all of this would just go away. Well, buddy. So do I. And I think you can relate to those Rhianna lines too, acreswild. But don’t make too much of how FWW is now, please just see her in that fog. She doesn’t want to see the somewhat sordid and unpleasant reality. IC will help her 2C. There’s a long, long way to go. It’s best that she knows that now. Even if everything was hunky dory between you two, there’s some serious work to be done if your relationship isn’t to become bitter and resentful. And you’re not going crazy. You just want to know.

And I am so sick of hearing that the whole LTA thing was a “mistake” too. No, no, no, no, NO. That’s just the gloss he puts on it now. And he conveniently “forgets” stuff that I don’t actually put to him as a known fact. Like what they did when they weren’t meeting up to spend a night or a few days and nights together. Or actually, how many times they did spend successive days and nights together. He thinks if I can’t put dates to him, I don’t know. He thinks what I don’t know as fact doesn’t hurt. What hurts is what he is hiding.

Hi and welcome LfL. Oh my. First and foremost, it is not about “winning”. No one wins, there are no winners. This is not a competition you are in, this is about what you want, who you are and what your bottom line is. This is about YOU, not OW, whatever her tragic circumstances may be. If he is continuing to see OW, then he is jeopardising his primary relationship. Her health problems are not of any concern to your H and they are using that emotional angst to keep their relationship alive. If you don’t have MC and IC, I suggest you get some support now. And he needs to realise that he owes her nothing and you everything. I won’t comment on the sex, that’s up to you. I was in such a state in the early days that I don’t think I was capable of saying no, I was so desperate to reclaim him, me and our marriage. But, my circumstances were different to yours. He has to get into reality. As to her XH, I’d still tell him anyway. What is there to lose? At worst he will ignore you, at best he will take his XW to one side and try to make her see sense. Lastly, please see an lawyer to find out exactly where you stand. You don’t have to implement proceedings, but at least that worst case scenario will be taken care of, one less thing to worry about. And once you tell him you know X,Y and Z, he might zip out of that fog PDQ. Line up your ducks and be prepared to give him ultimatums you are ready to stick to. Keep us posted (((((LfL)))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((LookingforLove)))))

Dday#2.
I am so so sorry.
Dont feel the pressure to make any kind of decision right now, except when it comes to caring for you. Its only been one week, and you can actually type clearly and coherently!

You are evidently much more stronger than you think you are.

Just take it one day at a time for now. Can you get yourself into IC to help you cope with the ernomity of this? Please try.

*****
Acres,
You asked for the truth and you got it. I think that the fact she is able to start speaking the truth so early in the game, is actually promising. Many of us LTA BSs had to wait a long time before our WSs felt "safe enough" to speak the truth.

Unfortunately, I wish I could tell you that it gets better. It doesnt. There will be many days when you feel that you just cant go on anymore, and she will have them too.

Its too early, IMHO, to think about R. How can you R when you dont know who and what you are dealing with.

I gave my H 1 year to show me that he was capable of making changes, that he was worthy of a second chance. I gave myself 1 year, to decide whether I wanted to stay in a M that really never was.

I am almost 2 years out.We had some really really bad times, and this has been without a doubt, the hardest challenge either of us has ever been through...and its not over yet.

But I can say, hand on my heart, that our relationship has grown beyond my wildest dreams, that I can see us being the family I had dreamed of.

Hang in there, Looking and Acres.

****
As for me, I am still swirling in my little whirlwind. Next week is the week for me.So many bad memories.

****
Hope the rest of the Tribe is keeping on keeping on.

((((LTATribe))))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((LostH))))))))))
Reaching out already. You'll do okay. Hang on in there, hold on to your beautiful children, let time do it's healing. Breathe and let go.

hugs sweetie.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH,
Next week is the week for me.So many bad memories.

I will be thinking of you and your sweet angel baby, too. I never got on to tell you that the group is right when it comes to your sweet precious baby- there is nothing to forgive. You need to release yourself from that. When I lost my son part of my grief was blaming myself. I did that for a long time. But I had to work through that to get to a better place- and you will, too. This was not a choice- you didn't do something wrong. Our babies had medical problems that were beyond help-but they are in a better place now released from their earthly, sick bodies. And if you remember them they are always a part of your family. This week at the park my oldest DD was playing and a little boy was there and said "these are my two sisters".... and my 8 year old DD says "My brother died in my mom's tummy and is in heaven. My little sister is over there playing." Very matter of fact. She never knew our son other than being in my "tummy" but she loves him and talks about him always. They never really die if held closely in our hearts. It is just our heart aches for the spot they hold. And always will until we are reunited. In the meantime, taking care of yourself and getting through this LTA trauma is most important. YOU are important. As a mom, as a friend, as a woman.

Thinking of you, LH. Remember, from one mom of an angel baby to another- you will get through the day. Your little one is watching over you and proud to have you as a mom.

Love you,
HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, I'm baaaaaackkkk!

Sorry for the unexplained absence. My laptop was off for repair and just got it back. Our other pc is "shared" and didn't want my girls delving into history to see where I live.

I am going to go back about 10 pages and try to get caught up.

One quick note: without my laptop I have been reading more.

Run - The Power of Now is incredible. As you know, I am only 9 months out, but I have been able to use some of the tactics to move me out of the past and into the now when my mind tries to take over. Thank you so much for this suggestion.


Will be back after reviewing where we are...

((((Tribe)))))


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am only back two pages and cannot believe all that I have missed. I am sorry everyone that I haven't been here to lend a hand at a time of need. (blame HP).

((((Lost Heart))) we are with you as you approach this sorrowful time. Let the strength of all of us help you through the next week. I hope you know that your child's spirit is with you always and your love is blanketing this being.

UKgirl - you wrote "Sometimes I think I married someone who didn't want to grow up" - you may have. This is one of the most important things that has come out of my Hs IC and our MC: he never grew up. He was an adolescent until last August never accepting or, at minimum, resenting, his responsibilities. Is he addressing this in IC?

Lookin - sorry you have to find out place but you will find much wise wisdom and amazing support here. I can only echo what you have been told. If there is any contact at all, R is not an option. A full 180 is necessary. He is not allowed in your bedroom (sleep on the couch if necessary). Don't do his laundry. Don't buy or make him any food. Don't help him with life at all until he is willing to go NC. He is "in the fog" and only the strong light of reality will bring him out.

Acres- we are 9 months out of dday #1. It has been years since any contact. My WH did not come out of the fog until AFTER he confessed EVERYTHING. He still thought they were "nice people" - yeah, right...nice people always fuck in the back of a car! Anyway, she is still in the fog of believing what she had was good...give her time and that will go away. Then she will have to deal with the shame and embarassment of the reality of what she did.

BT - have you had the test? Sorry I wasn't here to wish you well. I feel like I have let all of you down by not being here while everyone needed support.

I will keep reading back ....

On a bright note, this weekend is my mom's 85th birthday. We had dinner tonight and she is a rock - someone to always admire and respect. I love my mom!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT- much belated Congrats on your acceptance to grad school!!! You must be so happy and we are all smiling knowing that you are the best.

HS

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 7:21 PM, May 29th (Thursday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 3 pages back but am going to post an update for mostly the newbies but maybe to help some of the others further along as well.

My wedding anniversary which was also mother's day went well. We did not discuss the anniversary but the mother's day part went very well.

What I am learning in this process is that I always knew he wasn't completely there. But, he is now. He is there and wants to be there. He is completely remorseful. Will talk about anything at any time without recoiling. He is "owning his shit" and doing it well (thanks to some guidance from some of the Tribe.

I am sharing this as a message of hope for those early on struggling. My H received an email message from one of the first LTAs yesterday and he showed it to me immediately. They haven't emailed or spoken in years. It was an innocuous (hey there...are you still alive. email) but he was nervous and told me about it immediately. That act alone helped me.

I think we might make it and he has one of the worst stories of all. We might make it because of SI and all of you.

Thank you (((Tribe)))

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 7:35 PM, May 29th (Thursday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

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