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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, April 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Little sleep adds to the fall. I know the dreams are bad, but they are good for you:its your mind tying to work out stuff, so dont be too afraid of them. Try to figure out what you are trying to figure out. KWIM?
TAke care, ok?

Thanks LostH for reaching out to me when you are dealing with a lot of your own stuff. I truly appreciate your wise reminder about the dreams and using them to figure things out. They are so vivid at the time and I do recall parts of them even today - enough to make me wonder what they are trying to tell me. I think a lot of it is comparing my H's behaviour to my childhood trauma. The 'how could he do this to me?' knowing what I've been through is always with me. Issues I thought were dealt with are back on my mind - both of my parents are deceased - I don't want to go back there. Some days it's just too much. The difference is that now I don't hide my feelings like I used to. My H seems more aware and hugs me with such a sad look - remorse? The fog is lifting.

We had a great day yesterday after he got home from work. We went for dinner (no A talk) ... made love... and I think we both slept well. This will make today's family dinner much easier.

{{{LTA}}} wherever you are. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, April 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had a great day yesterday after he got home from work

Good for you Lostsuol! These days have become so much more precious now...

And re the family stuff...when you are ready (and you will be), you can deal with them. A common issue many of us seem to share here, is the uprising (after dday) of "old FOO stuff" which we all thought were done and buried. Facing them again, and dealing with them properly now, seems to be a stepping stone in healing ourselves. But its a HUGE project to take on. I myself, only started last Nov, and I have longways to go.

Good luck with the family dinner tonight.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, April 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many of us seem to be going through a tough patch. Hold on to something that you believe in, whether its your child, or your job,or a cherished memory, or your sense of you, or just knowing that no matter how rough this ride is right now, YOU WILL BE OK. The sun will come out.

Lost, honey...you're doing awesome.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, April 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jeez Run.

Thanks. I feel a little stronger inside, you know? Sadder, but stronger.

How are you doing?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me? One day at a time. Trying to learn to focus on the "now".


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy - I've been thinking of you all weekend and hoping things were better for you and your H. Did he ever acknowledge that what he did was incredibly stupid and damaging to your recovery? I honestly don't understand how these guys think.
My H and I had a bit of a blowup this weekend and he turned to me and said that he was getting tired of always being suspected of doing something. I looked at him and said, "Are you feeling sorry for yourself? WTF did you think this process would be like. You cheated for 8 years and now I'm supposed to trust you, believe you. Do you think I'm an idiot?"
It just galls me to no end to see them boohoohooing all over the place because we have a need and the right to question whatever they say. They think just because they are doing things right now that we should automatically forgive and forget. Well in my case, and I suspect in many others as well, my H was doing things right before (or so I thought) and look what happened there. They are experts at deception and I really don't understand why they would think we'd be too quick to believe another word out of their mouths.
It reminds me of the old saying, If you can't do the time don't do the crime. That's what I said to him this weekend. You did this to me. Did you really believe that there would be no consequences for you? I think these men love to turn the tables on us and make us answer for our actions so they can avoid answering for theirs. Well, no fucking way. I told him again that if he's tired of the process, pack your bags because if he thinks I'm going to pacify him while I'm trying to find my way back to trusting and believing in him then we're both wasting our time.
Other than that, I had a good weekend.

LostHeart - You sound better. I'm glad to hear it. Also, a big happy birthday to your DD. Such a cute age. I miss those days.
But I do have my grandson now and that is an amazing experience.
Lostsoul - I agree with LH. Our dreams are our subconscious thoughts and examining them helps us to understand ourselves better. Sometimes they are extremely obvious, like when I'm beating the shit out of the OW , other times, they are more vague. I hope you have been able to come up with some conclusions with yours.
Here's hoping we all have a good week ahead of us. The weather here is going to be beautiful and I for one find this to be good for the spirit. Hugs to all.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 8:03 AM, April 21st (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm here. I tried almost that same tactic with H... telling him "just because YOU think this should be over doesn't mean it will be."

Meant nothing. He kept telling me he can't tell me what to do in response to what he does. He's right. But then I can't tell him to move out because he doesn't want to he won't.

Hey, I'm doing boxing in my training sessions. Told the trainer today it was my H's face I saw on his mitt.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Told the trainer today it was my H's face I saw on his mitt

Sounds like a good morning!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope this works. I copied it from General - CluelessBlonde's post. It made me smile and I wanted to pass it on to LTA.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It worked! oh... and btw, it's a group hug.

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me? One day at a time. Trying to learn to focus on the "now".

Yayy Run!!!

And how good is the "now"? Go on..spill!

***

It just galls me to no end to see them boohoohooing all over the place because we have a need and the right to question whatever they say. They think just because they are doing things right now that we should automatically forgive and forget

You just tell 'em Fnf!
Watch out Asshat Spouses. Mother Lion is out on the prowl!

Fnf, you know how much of an issue this is in my M, so I am right with you.

Had a bad moment today when H was talking to that woman at work..my mind went into overdrive just listening to him.My heart starting beating fast, the walls were closing in and I either wanted to run as fast as I could, or hide under the bed.

Fortunately Good H was around, and he talked me through it...no snide comments or sighs or even defending...just said that he is not doing anything wrong with her or anyone else, that he is not interested in her or anyone else, and that he will not do that to us again, that he is not that person anymore. Simple and effective.And it worked.Along with the hugs after that.

****
Hi Weepy. Boxing huh? Bet that must be making H nervous!
But what a great way to get rid of some angst!

***
((((Lostsuol))))
Back at ye.
I am still too chicken to try out posting pics.LOL.

****

Lovin, saw your thread...hope you are doing better today. There just has to be some way to get the OW to stop harassing you. Its just aint right.


****
((((LTA Tribe))))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH, H doesn't know I'm doing it.

Interesting brief talk this morning. His boss had GPS installed in all the trucks. H is all "where does he get off tracking us... big brother... unfair... untrusting." I just said "I think it's a good idea, protect your interests." Makes me feel better too. Now if they could only install a microphone....


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good H was around, and he talked me through it...

That is just wonderful LH. I love when these guys give us what we need - everyone benefits and R seems so much more possible. (((LH)))
It's been very quiet around here lately. I sure hope that's a good thing. Maybe now with all of this beautiful weather we're starting to feel more hopeful. Hugs and lots of good wishes to the tribe.
Hey Shirley - are you back yet??


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fnf -

You did it again! I was just getting caught up and you were asking if I was back. This is just spooky!!

Okay, I have found a way to "make it better". Go away with a close girlfriend. Someone IRL who will listen, not judge and who you can have a good laugh with. I thought about the As, etc so much less the last few days. Of course, being in tropical paradise with cabana boys running around didn't hurt either!

I will try to catch up on the back pages.

Weepy = A GPS!! Oh that is just too f'ng ironic for words. I can just see him huffing and stomping around. Yep, I think the Co. needs VARs as well to make sure the cars are being used strictly for business purposes!

It reminds me of the old saying, If you can't do the time don't do the crime.

fnf - you let him have it baby - that was great. You need to give seminars for the rest of us. Good job putting him right back where he belongs. If you can't handle the heat, get the hell out of the kitchen mister!

Lost H - I am glad the good H showed up to comfort you when you needed it. Just that glimmer of their good and tender side gives us hope.

Lostsoul - I agree with LH. Our dreams are our subconscious thoughts and examining them helps us to understand ourselves better.

LostS - I have had some incredibly weird and sometimes scary dreams since dday. Things that really don't seem to make sense, different parts of my life that are, in no way connected, coming together, people who I haven't seen since grade school suddenly front and center, terrible tornado and storm dreams, etc, etc, etc. I talked to both my IC and MC about them. They both said that in some ways my psyche has been shattered and these dreams are a way for my subconscious to try to put back together the puzzle which is my life. It is almost like my subconscious picks up two completely unrelated pieces, puts them together in a dream and then says to itself "no, those two don't fit". Try to go with the dreams, not fight them and let them do their work.

Okay, me and my killer tan gotta go to the gym!

ETA: Hi Run, sorry I missed you. Keep on keepin' on.

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 7:25 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did it again! I was just getting caught up and you were asking if I was back. This is just spooky!!

Geez, now I'm starting to spook myself.
Glad you had a great time. How was your H when you got back? I would suspect he was running a little scared not knowing what to expect when you returned.
BTW, I could use a little vacation myself - no H, just me and a few good friends. Oh yeah, wouldn't mind a few hot cabana boys either.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With the weather the way it's been this last week, my mind is running away too.

My SIL has a place in OC. I'm thinking I'm gonna need a few days of sun and surf there before I go back to work FT.... Soon. And H HATES the shore, so he won't even WANT to go.

No cabana boys, but don't even really care.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good job putting him right back where he belongs.

Shirley - this quote really has me thinking. You see, I get so angry when I read some of the stories of how these guys try to intimidate us and I get unbelievably angry when my H does this to me. It's like they think somehow we should be grateful that they "chose" us and not the OW. Like somehow we "won the prize." Well the way I see it, the only prize we won was the fucking booby prize. We are left with damaged goods and they try to make us feel like they're doing us a favor by staying here with us and to add insult to injury we are not supposed to make them feel bad or doubt or question them. We should just be grateful and kiss their sorry asses because they realized that it is us they want not the pathetic lonely self-delusional OW who fed their needy, insatiable egos. I guess you know me enough by now to know that this isn't going to happen.
I was so upset the other day with a post I read (can't remember which forum it was) about this WH who wanted to know what his wife could use to make anal sex more comfortable because she was hurting from it and he wanted to make sure she could get better so they could continue this. I kept thinking "what a pig". He came across (and I really hope I'm wrong about this) like he was more concerned about his needs than the fact that his wife was now doing something that she obviously found painful just to keep him happy. I only wished that I knew if she was on here so I could see why she felt she had to do this. Don't get me wrong, if that works for someone great, but if you do something that causes pain or is against your very fiber because you're trying to keep him then I really think there's a problem there. Sorry for the rant but I can't help wondering how so many WS's are successful in making their BS's feel it is us that needs to make changes.
I remember right after d-day, I downloaded the emotional needs questionnaire and we started talking about the changes we both needed to make in order for our M to survive. We wrote down several suggestions and swapped lists. My H wrote, "more variety in the bedroom and on the kitchen table." I have to tell you, the very fact that he survived that night is a miracle. Imagine, I discover that my H of 32 years has been cheating on me for 1/4 of those years and he expects me to cook up gourmet meals in the kitchen and fuckfests in the bedroom in order to keep him satisfied. I still want to wring his fucking neck every time I think of this.
Wouldn't I have been the ultimate fool to succumb to this warped way of thinking?
I have no intention of fulfilling unreasonable requests that serve only him. On the other hand, if he wants more open communication, less attitude from me, more quality time and yes, more bedroom time spent to draw us closer not fulfill his needs at the expense of my comfort, then I'm in.
So, that's my rant for the day. I'm off now to spend quality time with my grandson. Thank god for him.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"more variety in the bedroom and on the kitchen table."

I have to tell you, the very fact that he survived that night is a miracle.

I'll say!

Wow. That was ballsy. Um...so is this where we're supposed to be glad he "opened up"?


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I discover that my H of 32 years has been cheating on me for 1/4 of those years and he expects me to cook up gourmet meals in the kitchen and fuckfests in the bedroom in order to keep him satisfied. I still want to wring his fucking neck every time I think of this.

I am soooo with you on this one girlfriend. My attitude now is the HE should be cooking the gourmet meals and thinking up ways to satisfy ME in the bedroom. Fuck him, he's had his party. And, BTW, he has learned in the past 9 months that my idea of "foreplay" is someone who will pick up the dog poop in the yard and empty the goddammed diswasher already for christ's sake!

Glad you had a great time. How was your H when you got back? I would suspect he was running a little scared not knowing what to expect when you returned.

Well, he seemed very happy to see me and he was especially happy that I returned without a cabana boy! In all honesty, I think he was really glad to see that I had a good time, seemed more relaxed and had spent the better part of 4 days not crying. The whole trip was like pressing a "reset" button. As Run says, I enjoyed the "now".

Is it healthy to NOT think about the past? I am in a place right now where I don't want to think about it. Don't want to go to IC. Don't really want to talk about it much. I don't want to be in denial but at the same time 9 months of daily self-flagellation over the hows and whys was beginning to really wear me down. I liked having some time just to be a normal person.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it healthy to NOT think about the past? I am in a place right now where I don't want to think about it. Don't want to go to IC. Don't really want to talk about it much.

Absolutely and not only is it healthy I believe it is necessary in order to build up the resources we need when we find ourselves deep in the past again. I took a 3 month break from MC/IC'ing because I just didn't want to deal with it every day/every hour. When I returned, I found I needed the strength I had reclaimed during that period to delve even deeper into the LTA nightmare. So, Shirley, go for it even if it means you need to back away from here too. We'll miss you but only you know what it is you need and only you can make sure to do whatever that may be.
We'll be here waiting for you if that's what you decide.
I'm so glad you found your smile again. I missed my inner joy and the ease of laughing and having fun. It comes back slowly but feels so damn good when it returns as you found out this past week.
(((HS)))

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 10:03 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
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