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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Btw, I’m not ignoring what you’re saying ………. I’m sure it’s not that bad. He just makes me sick and depressed!!

Maybe some ice cream would help …..


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ummm...Ukgirl....,my dad craved ice cream too. The dr.s said it probably helped "freeze" his stomach and alleviate the pain. Please, please, please go get checked. His sickness was one of the worst things our family has ever been through....


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quick good morning all.
(actually found 5 minutes free before work!)

Ukg, SEE YOUR GP ASAP!!!
We are going to nag you until you take this seriously. My IC is huge on the theory that our body holds the score. Your body is yelling at you...please listen.

Shirley, no 2x4 from me.
Actually, I am in awe. I wish I had been cunning enough (and had a H willing enough)to do that to OW#1.You got a good result: the answers you wanted which tallied with what he said, and she is out from your lives.

Can I suggest something?
Find something from that era of your life which she would have touched (bedsheet, ornament etc) and burn it toegther and shut that door forever. Also,if you find it in you, say a little prayer for that poor life that was aborted.

This so easily could have gone wrong (the phonecall), and I am so pleased for you that it didnt.
And re. the SIL likeness... Ouch.

***
I am feeling very blue, and I am trying to hold onto it. My IC told me I dont do sadness well...I quickly cover it up or get angry or get lost in food or books.My task for this week was to allow the sadness to be.


Have a good day all.

I love you all too.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Need quick opinions...

H has been in a "mood" all week. Snappish, self-pity, sarcastic. Last night he barely spoke to me. This morning I asked him a question and he jumped down my throat. It was why he needed all the bandaids (like was he hurt and I didn't know). His response was to act all defensive, "I'm using them for the cut on my finger, are you just noticing it? I can't do anything without you questioning it. Well, maybe you better stop asking questions if you don't like the answers." (Oh and nothing A related has even come up for months now) He's been badgering me about if I got a job, what I've been doing all day, why dinner isn't being prepared at 3 :30 in the afternoon when "he's on his way home". (He did it again yesterday and he didn't get home until 5:30, doesn't take 2 hours to prepare pork chops).

I don't get it. I've been avoiding him all week and now I don't know whether to be the adult here and call and ask him what's wrong or wait and see if he comes to his senses. Help.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy - now I am in a funk so you can take my advice with a grain of salt but, personally, I think he is being a gigantic selfish mean ol' asshole. If he had said that to me about dinner I would have told him to fix his own fucking dinner tonight and for the rest of his life. Why does he treat you like shit? Why does he think you deserve this? You ARE working - part time but working. Also, did he cook and clean when you were the breadwinner? And who cares if he cut his widdle finger - what is he - 4 year old? Just put a bandaid on it and shut the fuck up!!!

Okay, I think I just took my anger out in a vent on your H but I really think he is not worthy of you in any way. You keep giving to him and he keeps taking. Not a good, balanced situation at all.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update - texted me 5 minutes ago "I'm sorry. I love you".

I texted back "I love you too, can we talk later?"

He said "OK, whenever you want."

Yes, shirley, our M has always been out of balance. And no, I gave him that argument when he said something about what I do all day "There were plenty of days that taking a shower and getting dressed was a busy day for you."

I'll just listen to what he has to say.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

See, Weepy - that worked out fine. I vented for you, the karma bus ran to your H and said "stop being an asshole or I'm gonna run you over", he texted you and now all is okay!!

Really, I am glad he did that. Hopefully, he carries through.

Lost Heart - sit with the sadness. Let it wash over you and cleanse you of your grief.

Thank you for your suggestion BTW. I just went to our linen closet to see if anything was left over from our bed from those days given it was 15 years ago. I did find a set of sheets we almost never used but (knowing him) he might have put on the bed for them. They are going asap into the garbage. Also, we do have a duvet cover somewhere (might be in the room over the garage) that I will hunt down, tear to pieces and dispose of. Can't make me feel worse, right?

This whole episode has me questioning the foundation of our relationship. Do we have one? Can we build one? Does he know what love is? Is he capable of loving outside of selfish love? Can I ever love him again? Are we compatible - really? Has this entire relationship been a mistake founded in a fantasy young love interest from college? on and on and on and on....


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Long ago my IC said if I don't back off, I don't give him room to come to me. He actually did "break" a lot sooner than he usually does. Maybe he did have an "aha" moment.

Gotta run to the gym with DS. I'll catch up reading when I get back.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
AIHAH
♀ Member
Member # 19040
Content  Posted: 12:05 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm posting this with the hope that it will help any long term affair BSs. Some WSs have long term affairs but never intend to leave their spouse
(they are known as cake eaters). Others are involved in long term affairs (some for many years) that do plan on leaving. The WS spends that time "setting up the spouse" with others by painting them to be "crazy, bitchy, controlling, etc".
This is done so that when they leave the marriage and introduce everyone to their "new" girlfriend (who has been hiding in the wings for years), everyone will be happy for the WS because he/she was married to such an "awful" person. There is a book called: The Script - 100% What Every Man Says and Does When he is Cheating. It is a very benefitial book.
Having read this while my FWH was involved helped me realize his game plan. It helped me put myself to the front and "counter" what was going on in a positive manner that ultimately showed his behavior to him and those that he was trying to convince of my "awfulness". I am currently in R but I know that if he doesn't stay the path, I can move forward knowing that I have done my best. I hope this helps. Best wishes.


Giving my best one day at a time and so is my FWH. :)
AIHAH

Posts: 860 | Registered: Apr 2008
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi AIHAH, Have you been affected by a LTA? This area is a different kettle of fish, as you will know if you have read the profiles. Yes, no doubt there are those who use a LTA to leave the primary relationship, or to lead a double life, but they are generally led by others and do not make their own decisions, those who are led by day to day circumstances and opportunities, otherwise why stay in an “unhappy” marriage for years on end? Well all know the script that our FWS have been reading from – and it is just that; a script in a play that they have written. If your H is bent on casting you as the bad guy during and since the A, then I would suggest you work on trying to rid yourself of your (his perceived) “awfulness” before trying to sort his (perhaps huge) issues out. It isn’t possible to “fix” the marriage by holding up bad or unacceptable behaviour to a WS. Sometimes that only serves to make them run deeper underground either in the affair or further in denial. Platitudes do not serve well for reconciliation. At some point, there has to be a level playing field. For those of us trying to come to terms with one or multiple LTAs, it is a case of finding ourselves in order to accept who we are and therefore know we are of equal partnership in the relationship. For me, it was the whole “other” relationship, the complete “other” life, his dreams of another future, his “Sliding Doors” life that he was living before he so magnanimously “chose” me. He has always painted me as “perfect”. And there lies my problem.

At one time, FWH chose the path untrod. I thought we had chosen a path together. Now we seem to walk parallel paths, in the same direction but without ease and comfort that was there before.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,
I have been hesistant about posting because I read the 20/20 Hindsight post in JFO and know that I have made all of those mistakes. I am so angry with myself because like my H I am fencesitting too! Most days I want to get out of the marriage beause I am 2 1/2 years out from finding out that he took up with same OW again from 2000. He wants out, then he doesn't--same ole crap. I am trying but each day is harder. My Best Friend told me that since I have put up with it this long either shut up about it (don't mention OW again to him) or get out. She loves me and means well but it's a hard pill to swallow. I am scard about moving on w/o him--financially as well as being by myself. Don't really want to!
My question is--is there anyone out there that is currently doing what I am doing--basically putting up with it and still trying to save the marriage? Maybe I am stupid, maybe as stupid as OW but I just can't seem to stop myself from trying to save which may be a lost cause! Want to try 180 but the way I'm feeling I don't know if I can pretend everything is ok...
Help....


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:12 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi looking,
I am scard about moving on w/o him--financially as well as being by myself. Don't really want to!

As harsh as it sounds, I think your friend is on the right track here. No, If the A or anything similar started back up, even though the last thing I want to do is leave, I think I'd have to for my own sanity.

Look at yourself, you're beating yourself up because he's being an ass again. This is the same OW three times now? Does her H know? You need some drastic measures here. He will continue the behavior as long as you allow it.

Have you gone to IC? MC?

The 180 is not about "pretending everything is ok", it's about centering yourself in reality. Taking care of you, forgetting about saving him, saving the M, fixing, obsessing. Another good article is the one in Inspirations on detachment.

You deserve respect, love, gratitude, transparency, a real marriage. If OW is in it, you don't have that. Why are you settling for less than you deserve? I'm sure all of us could make it on our own out there in the scary world. We're tough cookies. The question is why are we choosing to go through life with less than we deserve?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking,

I think this three-way relationship will go on precisely as long as you allow it. We've had people here with husband's who have been in affairs for ten or more years.

After a year or two IMO an affair becomes a way of life. If you do not object, what possible motivation will your husband have for ending the A? If that relationship was going to burn itself out it would have done so a long time ago. It is in the self-sustaining stage at this point. Ignoring it on your end means living with it ad infinitum. Something's got to change the status quo, and it's going to have to be from you.

I would say to read that 180 again and force yourself to do it or resign yourself to living this way forever.

***********

UK,

Go and get checked out. If it's an ulcer, it's a very easy treatment regimen now. If it's gastric reflux they can give you pills that will clear it up in a matter of days. Been there, done that.

If you are like me, I almost welcomed physical pain during the worst of times because it deflected somewhat from the torment in my head and heart. But stomach pain is not really anything to allow to go on too long. The damage can become too great.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Weepy and BorrowTrouble!
Can't tell her H because they are divorced and she has moved out.
And I know that you are right, I am letting it go on. Really don't want this and I have to find the strength to say enough is enough--if he can't stop, I need to stop. Sorry if I sound like a broken record--just tring to get the strenth I need to implement 180 and try to move on....


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This whole episode has me questioning the foundation of our relationship. Do we have one? Can we build one?
Does he know what love is? Is he capable of loving outside of selfish love? Can I ever love him again? Are we compatible - really? Has this entire relationship been a mistake founded in a fantasy young love interest from college? on and on and on and on.

Oh Shirley.
There are a few of us muddling through those same questions. I so wish there were easy answers. Unfort, there arent.

We have to each stumble around in this wilderness, trying to find our own path, not just in our M's but more imptly, in ourselves.

And with time, these answers will show them selves. I just pray that my eyes will be open enough to see them.KWIM?

(((Shirley)))

***
Looking,
You have been given some good no-nonsense advice.
Keep posting, and lean on us.
Welcome.

***
I visited a homeopath today. My IC recommended her awhile ago, but I wasnt ready...
I realised, after writing here about all my ailments, that although I think I have it under control, I really dont. I realised it was time to reach out.

She had prescribed 2 remedies for me. She is going to tackle my baggage slowly.So if anyone is interested in alternative remedies, I will keep you informed.

****
Today is my DS's bday. He would have been 10 years old. I hope that wherever he is, he knows how much I wanted him, how hard I tried to keep him, and that he is loved. Soon his brother and sisters will know about him, and he will have more people to love him.

****
(((((LTATribe))))))

Hope everyone is keeping on.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH, sending you strength and hugs and hands to hold today.

On our front, H and I tried to talk again last night. I asked him if anything was bothering him, physically, at work, to have him so irritable. His answer... "you". And I asked what I had done... Well I asked him questions. Apparently stupid questions, like "what are the bandaids for?" and "did you know Greg's dad?" (viewing he went to) or maybe it was the "are you on your way home or back to the office?" (in response to his "when's dinner going to be ready?" Kinda need to know when he's going to get home for that one...

I told him there was the conversation where all I did was answer the phone and he lit into me about what's for dinner, did you get a job, type any pages, do anything (sarcasm intended) today?

Well, apparently that was because I used to do it to him when he was on unemployment...2 1/2 years ago... he lost his job Dday. Yeah, I admit I was a bitch for a few months after that night.

So I'm going to ask him at MC if he feels that resentment and punishment and revenge is the way to make a happy union. If that's the "rules" guess I'm free to sleep around for the next 7 years and he can't say a DAMN thing, right?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Lost Heart)))) I will keep you in my thoughts today.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((LostH)))))
Just checked in b/c I guessed you might need a few hugs.

Not much time to catch up today, I'll be back when I have time and H is outta the study!

Hugs to all who are struggling today. (((Tribe)))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and Lost Heart - good job going to see the homeopath. I'll bet over time she will straighten you out.

Now can you drag UK girl with you? Uk giiiirrrrlllll - we aren't letting you off the hook. You need to get checked out!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH - Sending you so many hugs and warm thoughts on this special day. I just know that your beautiful son is looking down on you and showering you with his love today. We are all here for you with love and compassion.
Weepy - looks like he's still taking out his frustrations on you. Please don't let him get to you (I know, easier said than done).
You are a strong woman - try not to let his negativity affect the progress you've been making. (((Weepy)))
This whole episode has me questioning the foundation of our relationship. Do we have one? Can we build one? Does he know what love is? Is he capable of loving outside of selfish love? Can I ever love him again? Are we compatible - really? Has this entire relationship been a mistake

HS - this quote is exactly what my fog is all about. I just can't seem to find answers to these questions and I just don't know how long I can stand living in a sort of limbo waiting to feel some sense of certainty about whether I am really going to find my happiness again if I stay. I had a thought earlier today asking myself, did I stay because I believed it was in the best interest of my family without considering if it was in the best interest of "me." As mothers, so many of our decisions are focused on what is best for our children and our family even if this is at the expense of our own interests. I have done this my entire married life and never once regretted my choices. Now, for the first time ever in my married life, I have been tempted to think only of what is in my best interest. I feel off kilter thinking like this, KWIM??? I am so unaccustomed to this way of thinking. It's why I feel like I'm in a kind of fog.
I thought I'd be so much more certain of my choice to stay by now but as things return to the "status quo" that was our marriage before d-day I find myself less sure. My H seems to think that everything is back to normal. Even if I tell him I'm having a rough time, he seems to gloss over this and eagerly try to move on. I wish I could too.
LFL - I do hope you'll listen to the good advice you've gotten here so far. I know for me, tolerating a situation where the OW was still very much in the picture would not have been possible. I'd hate to see this current situation affecting your emotional and physical health but I don't see how that would be possible. Take care of you because it certainly seems apparent by your posts that your H is not in the least concerned about the effect of his choices on you. I hope this wasn't too tough a 2x4 but I am concerned when I hear that one of us is tolerating the intolerable.
BTW tribe, I'll be heading out "on holiday" for a week so I won't be able to check in but I hope you all know that you'll be with me in my thoughts so until then take good care of yourselves and each other. Hugs to all.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
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