Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, our 35th anniversary has come and gone. We should have ignored the event. The evening went from disappointing to my losing my appetite to his throwing a wine glass across the room and leaving the house. His special dinner for us was spoiled by him not waiting for me to join him at the table. His announcement "I'm going to eat now" didn't sit well with me as I was indisposed and wasn't able to 'run to the table'. My displeasure was met with sarcasm and I left the table. His apology just made me feel worse. Why do I feel like I should walk on eggshells, afraid to say or do the wrong thing? His answer to this was to throw his wine glass across the room and leave the house.

I'm just tired of being expected to be over it by now. His "I'm sorry. I don't know why I acted like that" after the fact isn't doing anything to help me heal. I'm not the doormat wife any longer. I can't accept his "I f**ked up" and kiss and make up any longer. I don't have the strength for a yelling match. I have no response for his apology. He has no justification for his behaviour. I guess we are at a standoff.
And now he sleeps while I'm wide awake despite a double dose of my pain and sleep meds!

Vent over!

Just do you best and don't expect too much of yourself.

Thanks BT. I should have expected nothing and wouldn't have been disapointed. Trouble is he chose our marriage over his A but I feel that my best isn't good enough ... will never compare to his fantasy with her... and that is what hurts me to the core.

I read other forums here so I know that others are dealing with situations far more difficult to contend with than mine. I didn't want to give up on 30 good years but I don't know if I can handle much more of this without breaking down completely... Loving him may not be enough.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:44 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((LostSuol))))

There was really no nice way yesterday could have ended, for either of you.
Well, at least its over.

I'm just tired of being expected to be over it by now

Is that what he really expects?
Then boy, is he in a for a surprise!

LostS, I noticed you have your dday coming up as well.
Be kinder to yourself. MAybe even spell it out to H what it is you need..more TLC, extra effort, etc. Our S's have become used to not dealing with our needs/wants, such that they find it difficult to address them now. Guide him, LostS, so that he can help you.

Lastly,

but I feel that my best isn't good enough ... will never compare to his fantasy with her... and that is what hurts me to the core.

Really?Then why is he with you, and not Miss Perfect??
Because he knows deep down something that you will realise hopefully soon...that Miss Perfect was never real in any way that mattered, just hot air and lipstick.

It took me a LONG time before I saw them (the OW) the way they really were. I had to come out of my fog to do that. They were desperate broken pathetic people, just like our Hs'.

Take care, LostS.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((lostsuol))) I agree with LH, there's no way the anniversary could have turned out differently unless you became who you were and "pretended" all was well to make him f'ng happy.

About to spew here...

That's why I have to make sure we "celebrate" our anniversary on some other date. Knowing that on that day that he said those vows, he was "recovering" from cheating his ass off the year before. Oh, ok, he chose me. HE told me he'd chosen me before he did it.

He quit seeing OW and the pros because he loved me, wanted me, our family, our life? Fuck no. The "guilt" was bothering him. The OW changing, the whores losing their "mystique". He was just fucking tired. He didn't want another, it wasn't a choice. He never looked at it that way. He didn't wake up one day and realize he'd lost the love of his life because of what he'd done. He's told me that, it wasn't a choice about our M, it was a choice about how he was feeling. Had nothing whatsoever to do with me. And our "recovery" is the same thing. Has nothing to do with how I feel or what I want, just as long as HE doesn't feel bad.

I'm already dreading next year. It will be my 30th year married to this guy. Already preparing ways to handle the inevitable "wow, you lasted 30 years with this guy?" crap. Yeah, I did, but he couldn't deal for that long with me. Me. The honest, loyal, the fucking glue that held this family together. He hated me enough on some level to do that.

We watched the Seinfeld episode last night where Jerry takes the lie detector test and asks George for advice. George tells him "remember, it's not a lie if you truly believe it." My fucking husband's mantra. SO every fucking day I have to ask him "do you really believe that?" over some stupid thing. His "contest" - do you really believe that happened? Then why tell your son a lie? (DS is sticking it to him every chance he gets on that one BTW).

I can't stand his critism at all. His judgemental fucking attitude about everyone and everything. I'm tired of standing up for right and truth. He doesn't fucking believe it anyway.

Yesterday I went to the gym twice. Once for cardio and once to work out with my trainer. So I was tired last night. I stumbled a couple times, got dizzy once, my leg felt weak at one point. He makes some crack about my clumsiness and makes me want to defend myself, but I dont, I say "yes, my leg feels kind of weak tonight. thanks for your concern." It wasn't fucking concern, he was looking for something to "hit" me with. Probably because I turned on the A/C.

I feel that my best isn't good enough ... will never compare to his fantasy with her... and that is what hurts me to the core.

Like LH said, they were nothing but air in reality. A "mistake" if you will. (hate that word). Making your anniversary special feeling the way you were, was a mistake. Now you know, you've learned from it. Let's see if he has.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

throwing a wine glass across the room and leaving the house.

As you say, perhaps it would have been better to let the day slide by without acknowledgement. Throwing a glass (or coffee – LostH!!) and/or walking out will do nothing to help an already fractious day. And I know b/c you’ve told us time and again that he doesn’t readily give you what you need, which just leaves you feeling unloved. Sorry it turned out so bad.

So what is the answer to wedding anniversaries, Christmas, birthdays, DDay anti-versaries? I have my birthday in just over a month. Suggestions?

Last year (my 50th) I booked myself in for 3days at a spa hotel. H was pretty upset about it, which he had no right to be, esp as he is hopeless with dates. The anti-versary is 2wks later and last year I was at the IL’s informing them of their younger son’s antics. Then on our anniversary (Sept), I tootled off to 4xM friend for another 3day break. About 2days before I went, he twigged on the date and accused me of “making a point”. (Err, I was!) On our first wedding anniversary after DDay we had booked in for a special gourmet meal at a favourite restaurant. I didn’t know then that he was still texting OW. But at least he had the “decency” to not text her on that day. How thoughtful of him. He didn’t contact her (although she might have him) on either my b’day or our anni. I got to have him 2 days of the year! WTF was going through his head to do that? Guilt???

This year is already sorted for our 28th anniversary – it is my parents 60th wedding anni bash weekend. But, actually, I have told him that I do not want to acknowledge 20th September again. In my mind, that m is over. And it was over in October 2001 when he first fucked her again. I just wish I hadn’t wasted time and money on our 25th anniversary, esp as the affair had a renewed intensity that year. I think I’ll root around in the box room for my wedding dress, try it on, laugh and then cut it up and put it in the bin.

But how can I do to find another date for us? Maybe one day the “moment” will arrive and I’ll just say “I think we should have Champagne tonight”.

It will be my 30th year married to this guy.

Already got the analogy. Pearl. OWs were the grit and you, my friend, are the pearl!! And please, weepy. Rise above his comments. They really do not warrant the effort of reply.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Couldntbeme)))))) know the pas 7 weeks feel like forever, but it has really been NO time at all. I am now just over 7 weeks pat dday and finally feel like I can think straight and function. I was able to fake it for the world, but my insides are finally catch up with the fake mile o my face. I is just inconceivable, this affair. My H's went on for 41/2years. I cannot even fathom it most day. And some days it still hits me out of no where. But you will survive, no matter what happens. It's about getting up every morning and doing what you have to do. And t is so hard but you can do it. Keep talking, keep posting.

(((lostsoul)))) Well, that just plain sucks doesn't it. an, hate when they just can't get it together and o something for us. I always seem to e disappointed on those kind of days(birthdays, anniversary) / I feel like he doesn't make a big enough effort ever. That sad, those days all happened pre dday, so we'll see how they go this year.

I am terrified of our anniversary. We are getting new rigs that we can't afford (I AM worth it!!) b/c I want some new start as we start 10 years of an actual marriage now.

MC was beyond tough yesterday. Part of what talked about was how he got all the fun running around and I am stuck with all the crap and trying to deal with it while he says he is over it and has moved on. He can't help i hat he was able to move on faster than me. Oh, shut the fuck up. I could move on faster too if no one had ever fucked me over. Sorry, just so infuriating. Anyway, they had H describe my pain to me. What I went through during the affair. That was hard bu on some level he gets it a little and on some he has no clue how massive it was.

We talked a lot about how take care of him, even by not bringing the A up when I need to talk b/c I don't want to make him uncomfortable.I had no idea I was doing that. I cried a ton and H held my hand the entire time.

I have to say, as much a this sucks, H is right there, trying to do what he should. just get sick of telling him how great he's doing when h is the on who caused it all and ps he's just acting like a husband should He's just acting the Way he should have all along.

OK, tried to spellheck but this keyboard is skipping letters left and right so I hope it is understandable.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am stuck with all the crap and trying to deal with it while he says he is over it and has moved on. He can't help i hat he was able to move on faster than me.

He has moved through all those phases of the affair, at his own pace, at his own leisure. He has done with desire, excitement and pleasure, denial, justification and rationalising, self-questioning, anxiety and confusion, unhappiness and, finally, relief. It had run its course and was all over bar the shouting. You have to go through anger, grief, uncertainty, anxiety and confusion, mistrust, jealousy and, finally, acceptance. He could no more speed up the course of the affair than you can your recovery. LTA = Long Term Recovery.

It's about getting up every morning and doing what you have to do.

That reminds me of one of my favourite film quotes. And would you believe it took me until about a month ago to realise the main character shares the same surname as OW’s maiden name and his dead wife has MY maiden name as part of her name. Ugh!! Anyway, from Sleepless in Seattle, this is it:
“I'm gonna get out of bed every morning, breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out. And then, after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.”
And it took somewhere between four and six months for the feeling of dread to fade when I woke to find it was another day.

And this is great from Sliding Doors, I can never remember it verbatim, so this is cheating!:
Lydia: “I'm trying to be your girlfriend Gerry! I'm trying to win you back! I'm standing on the platform at Limbo Central with my heart and soul packed in my suitcase waiting for the Gerry Fucking Express to roll in and tell me that my ticket is still valid and that I may re-board the train. Only the station announcer keeps coming on and telling me that my train has been delayed as the driver has suffered a major panic attack in Indecision City, "We suggest you take the bus"! That's what I have been trying to do, you cripple!”
Yessss! Mad, desperate, deluded, lied to, fucked over, Lydia/OW!!! Just that sometimes I wish I’d given my ticket to her to board at Indecision City.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 8:59 AM, June 10th (Tuesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There was really no nice way yesterday could have ended, for either of you.
Well, at least its over.

Yes, it's over. Except for our almost 2 yrs married dd & s-i-l coming for dinner tonight to 'celebrate'. I don't know if I'm strong enough to (as SoLost wrote)fake it for the world, but my insides are finally catch up with the fake smile on my face. And my daughter/family is my world.

Sorry Weepy that my situation caused such a reaction for you. I hope the 'spew' was cleansing for you. I don't know how you are able to put up with your H's attitude. I think LH nailed it with:

Our S's have become used to not dealing with our needs/wants, such that they find it difficult to address them now.

So what is the answer to wedding anniversaries, Christmas, birthdays, DDay anti-versaries?
I don't know! June is a month full of occasions for us. I have no answer UKGirl All suggestions welcome. And your quote from Sleepless in Seattle is one of my fav's too! Think I need to print and read to myself frequently.

H just called from work. He's not accomplishing anything there. He's on his way home. Keep us in your thoughts.
{{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stumbled a couple times, got dizzy once, my leg felt weak at one point
.

Hey Weepy...maybe you over did it gym?

Re your H's response, I am going throw in one of my favorite BT'isms:
Your H is full of shit.

***

he says he is over it and has moved on

Your H may be over the A, SoLost, but soon he will have to start the "real" work on himself i.e finding out how and why he was able to do what he did. Then lets see how fast he can move then.

just get sick of telling him how great he's doing

Then dont.
More BT'isms:
Honor your feelings. Say what you mean, and mean what you say

Your H does not need to be coddled at your expense, SoL. You are in fact doing both of you a dis-service, IMHO. I did the same after dday#1, and really regretted it. I should have been honest about my feelings, and let that reflect in my actions. I guess I was worried about scaring him off, so sucked in way more than I should have.

I am not saying that you should get all mean, but maybe be more real in your actions, KWIM?

(((SOLOST)))

****

June is a month full of occasions for us. I have no answer UKGirl All suggestions welcome.

For me too, LostSoul.
I am just taking each one as it comes. I was so disappointed last year this time...nothing was right. And I realised that with where we were in our relationship, nothing would have been right. I should have just focused on me, instead of expecting anything of us as a couple.

This year is different. It feels different.

We have our 13 wedding anniversary coming up next week, and for the first time in those 13 years, we actually feel like a couple, not just me dragging him along.

My mum is babysitting the kids this weekend (her present to us). We spoke about a night on the town. I wish that he was able to plan the whole thing and just surprise me, but I know he cant. So instead of just resigning myself to it and being bitter, I thought we would plan it together.

For the record, I dont see it as an anniversary celebration. I am not there yet. Its more like a date.

And then we have Father's Day on Sunday.


****
Hey Ukg!
Hope that answers your question about anniversaries. Do what you feel is right for you.

So have you had your GP check up yet? I have not forgotten...


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((TRIBE))))
For the record, I dont see it as an anniversary celebration. I am not there yet. Its more like a date.

This is me, too. I do think H and I have celebrating to do, but I just can't attach that to our "old" wedding date. Like you all, the vows were crushed, history was forever changed once Dday hit. No matter how good our R is now, I just don't get super excited about the M anniversary. I think if H and i renew our vows that I could get excited again, but until that happens... nope. That's not to say that I am not happy or that I haven't come a loooonnngg way from dday. But like BT said, even years after dday sometimes the meaning of that aniversary is just not the same. And the day comes and we all struggle. Our H's seem to cling to the day (I know mine does- gets all sentimental and crap) for dear life, and we just sorta go along with the motions. For them, they have realized the importance of the M and want to celebrate. For us, we knew it all along and had our hearts trampled on, and redefined the marital history.

Such is the aftermath of a LTA recovery. Hang in there, ladies.....

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, do I tell him tomorrow that I love him but he's too big an idiot to make this work?

He called THAT number again today. There was no time on it, so maybe the line was busy or he changed his mind again.

I know he's going to be defensive. I know he's going to be all "guess I'll erase my calls again". This is my fault for snooping. He's only calling the guy because his brother is dying... tough, too close. Do you think I'll need to tell him no funeral, no viewing, NC is NC> Guess I have to dig out my original "R" list of things he was supposed to do. Wonder if I still have that?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy,

Oh no. Only you know what you need in an R and what your limits are. Noone else can tell you that. Listen to your heart and your gut and follow it.

Keep us posted.

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Which number is this?


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The couple involved, the mutual friends of OW and him. The number that paged him at 5 AM the morning after he disappeared to Atlantic City. The woman who I strongly suspect was another affair, although he denies it.

I couldn't demand NC with the OW because she was dead, so I demanded it with them, and he agreed. He hasn't contacted them in almost 3 years. He's talked about him to his old boss, but he knows they're off limits.

I just looked all through my thumbdrive. I don't have the list on disk. Guess I'll have to pull out the old "bag" tomorrow.

Ohn and to top things off, he called his old work office today too... the "office girl".

And you know what, I wouldn't have looked at all if he wasn't so damn miserable and just mean tonight when he came home. I did him a favor and he "thanked" me by saying I paid too much for it. That he could have done better.

When he's angry about something else, I'm his whipping boy. I did ask him waht his problem was, but all he said was "I'm tired and worn out... it was 99 today in case you didn't notice."

So, start the convo by saying "So, what did the "couple's name" have to say?"

I don't even know where to begin with the "office girl".

[This message edited by weepy at 11:06 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)]


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:44 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((weepy)))))

I just dont know what to say.
Except I dont like this at all. Recently, your H has been sending off smoke signals, and it makes me v nervous. I cant imagine how you are feeling.

Please stay strong and true to your self.


Lots of love and hugs.
LH

****
Hope you all have a good day, Tribe.



Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
savvyhippie
♀ New Member
Member # 19238
Sad  Posted: 3:39 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have an anniversary to celebrate a marriage anymore because it was not a marriage, was it? I was married and loved being married but he was not who I married and he did things ( ONS with M) so he oviously didn't feel married to me. So we don't need to have an anniversary date until we are in a married state.


DANCE as though no one is watching you. LOVE as though you have never been hurt before. SING as though no one can hear you. LIVE as though Heaven is on Earth ... Souza

Posts: 20 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NSW, Australia
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:22 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome savvy. You feel like many of us.. we're no longer married. Maybe in the eyes of the state, but there is no longer a spiritual union.

I commend you for making him confess to his children. I take it they never knew what broke up their P's marriage... assumed it was you? What a burden to lose.

I know I would be very interested in hearing about what went on during that retreat to help you gain so much strength.

I have to wait until my son moves out to get a room to myself. I wish I'd had that option all along.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for me, I'm not going to say anything about the "number" . I'm going to check his phone and see if he erased the number from his call list.

As for "office girl" I decided I'm calling there this morning and asking for my H. Hopefully she will say that he doesn't work there any longer. If my acting chops are in order, I'm then going to get "upset" that I can't reach Steve, tell her he's not answering his cell that I may just have to call his home or say something like "he's married, isn't he?". Then I'll sit back and see if "office girl" calls him and warns him. IF she does he'll know immediately it was me, I'm sure.

What I'm really hoping for is just to put a bug in her ear about what kind of guy he really is. I'm sure he's presented himself as the big magnanimous sweetheart. Nothing to hide, he's even had me talk to her about business issues in the past and until I found her number in his book, I made a point of telling myself "she's just a co worker, she's just office staff, he HAS to interact with her." Well, he doesn't now, and yet he is. Guess he'll have some excuse about needing a phone number or keeping his options open to return there.

Damn I wish I could find that paper he agreed to.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostS, I hope last night was okay for you. For me, putting on the smile has become part of putting on my make up. Just hope it was more of a family dinner than a (non)celebration.
*****
I wish that he was able to plan the whole thing and just surprise me, but I know he cant.

Same here. But he could do it for OW!! Oh, my. He’s not working right now (“getting a job is a full time job”), but when he wasn’t working last summer, I suggested places to go, places we hadn’t been before, or parts of towns we’d never gone to. We went walking, found tea rooms and bistros, ornamental gardens, a national war memorial arboretum, galleries, etc, etc. Leave things to him? Nothing. A stroll round town and a drink at the pub is as much as he can manage. This morning DS4 had cookery at school. H sent him up to me with two bags, which one was brown sugar? I pointed, that’s soft brown sugar, if there’s not enough, top it up with molasses sugar. This, DS4, is ground almonds. God help them if I drop dead.

Its more like a date.

Yeh, but I want a NEW date. I tend to go along with HB’s “For us, we knew it all along and had our hearts trampled on, and redefined the marital history.”
*****
Weepy, I just don’t know what to say. The man just doesn’t ever seem to listen or to take on board your wishes. He just carries on regardless. I don’t think I’ve ever come across someone who seems such an ignorant pig. Sorry weepy, I can’t believe he’s putting you through this. All he has to do is NOT DO IT. He’s acting like a 13yr old, except my 13yr old has a million times more sensitivity than your H.
*****
Hi Savvy. It’s ok, the initial feeling is that the marriage was a lie and therefore not a marriage. It’s all very confusing and so understandable that you feel this way. I’ve read your profile and pleased that you have found this site. You are not alone in any aspect of dealing with your WS, which is good to know. You’ll find them all in I Can Relate!! Welcome to our tribe. Have a wander around and find the place where you feel you “fit” and get to know your new friends. If that’s here in the LTA, then take a seat with us out on the sun deck.
*****
H had his IC last night. He has finally “got it”. She told him he has to answer my questions and to tell me the truth. Then he said he didn’t want to talk about it every day (fine) and he didn’t want to talk about the affair at home. Okay, not so sure about that one. I am so fed up with him only admitting to the stuff I already know. It’s like pulling teeth. And I think I have a right to know all the facts instead of basing my decisions and choices on dragged out truths, half truths, suppositions and lies. And I’m sick of hearing about how he was in “darkness” he could see no way out of – with the glimmer of light being the love he still held for me. Yeh, the usual ILYBINILWY crap. Mrs fucking doormat. I think this realisation is too little too late. It’s taken him nearly two years to realise that I need the truth. What a wanker.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostSoul - Sorry you had such a rough day. For me, the whole anniversary thing just doesn't work anymore. What we were supposed to be celebrating just didn't happen. The vows were never really taken internally by them so it just doesn't matter. It doesn't mean that we haven't spent a significant amount of time together building some kind of a life (for better or worse ) but a "marriage" - not! I agree with the others that, at some point, we may find a way to recognize that time and, hopefully, find a way to start anew but not on that day.

Couldn't - welcome to our sad corner of the world. You have already received much good advice. One baby step at a time, one breath at a time, one bite of food at a time. I can't even remember the first couple of months. I do know that I was constantly crying a felt completely disconnected from the world. Just keep posting and looking for support.

SoLost - as far as your MC and his ability to move forward I don't think anyone could say it better than UKgirl...

He has moved through all those phases of the affair, at his own pace, at his own leisure. He has done with desire, excitement and pleasure, denial, justification and rationalising, self-questioning, anxiety and confusion, unhappiness and, finally, relief. It had run its course and was all over bar the shouting. You have to go through anger, grief, uncertainty, anxiety and confusion, mistrust, jealousy and, finally, acceptance. He could no more speed up the course of the affair than you can your recovery. LTA = Long Term Recovery.

This is the rub. They processed it all during the time/years they were in it. We are trying to process it all now and that is WHEN they tell us the truth. The half-truths, trickle truths and such just make the process longer. Why for god's sake can't they figure that out?!!

Hey Lost Heart you seem to be doing okay especially given it is June. Always there with sound advice for all. Hope things are good IRL.

UKgirl - you said he really got it at IC. Did he open up with more truths? Is he trying to move toward you?

It’s taken him nearly two years to realise that I need the truth. What a wanker.

Hey, they are all wankers, fucktards, asshats, whatever, BUUUTTTT the fact that he finally did get it is important. Can you mark this moment and try to move forward from here?

Savvy - I read your profile and, to put it midly, your H has many, many issues to work on. You can post here as well as the same sex OP thread to find all kinds of support. I would obviously advise that he get into some serious IC right away. I would guess that his issues have been there all along. Maybe that is why his first wife was so abusive? She had just completely had it?


((((weepy)))) I just don't know what to say. You are getting abused by this man. You are catering to his every need and he is doing nothing to cater to yours. In fact, if he is calling these people, he is flat out disregarding your boundaries and defying you on purpose. How can you put up with it? I am so sorry you find yourself here again.

But..

As for me, I'm not going to say anything about the "number" . I'm going to check his phone and see if he erased the number from his call list.
As for "office girl" I decided I'm calling there this morning and asking for my H.

I don't think this is healthy at all. You are playing games and trying to "catch" him and you know he will not be "caught". You need to confront him with the *truth*. If he denies the truth, he is beyond redemption.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, I have to echo Shirley.

Calling this woman and warning her off will do nothing to help your situation. There are thousands of would-be office girls out there. Do you want to spend your life running covert little drills to fend them off?

Do you think your husband will ever change in a meaningful way?


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.