I did pull something out that I had written for him 18 months ago before he started IC. When he protested that he didn't know what to tell this guy why he was there, I told him "How about this... I'm here because I don't know how to communicate with my wife. I can't seem to stop lying, I keep doing stupid things to jeopardize our marriage. I still keep secrets from her. I don't know how to be open and vulnerable. I've hurt my marriage by my multiple affairs, my emotional and verbal abuse of my wife and my children. I'm angry, I hurt and I can't seem to stop pushing away the people who really care about me. She doesn't trust me, my kids don't believe a word I say, maybe I don't even know how to love. I can't seem to stop screwing up."
Of course he never took that with him.
I'm reading the detachment article over and over. Looking at the boundaries website.
I can't leave and he won't. A friend told me last night to tell him I'm liquidating our assets, packing up and moving to the Bahamas and seeing how many surfer boys I can fuck before I'm 60.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
So, he has agreed to total honesty. How are you going to approach that? What do you expect (or fear) hearing from him now?
How does this connect with what you were saying the other day about being afraid to do the next wrong thing -- the one that will put one or both of you over the edge?
I can't leave and he won't.
You have it completely within your power to leave. Just walk out the door and you have left. I know you don't want to leave and I do not believe you should have to. That brings us to the next option. He leaves. Yes, this is within your power as well. Contact an attorney, have papers drawn and have him escorted away. Done. This is hard, messy, horrible for this kids, yes. Within your power, definitely. You do have that ability. And you know you do because you said...
tell him I'm liquidating our assets, packing up and moving to the Bahamas and seeing how many surfer boys I can fuck before I'm 60.
I think this is a great idea
I know she was "joking" but not really. She sees you suffering and wants it to end.
(echoing BT) are you afraid of the whole truth? As you know, after the first "blip" of lies by ommission, my H has been totally truthful. Has it hurt like hell? Yes. Has it made the healing after easier? Yes. I have thought a lot about this and I believe it is easier because the thorn has been pulled out. It hurt like hell to have it pulled out but now it can heal rather than fester.
If he is willing to give you the truth, move forward knowing that this is your path to healing within.
Just walk out the door and you have left
And in our state, walk away without any rights. We have no-fault divorce, but mitigating circumstances, like abandonment (and that's how leaving would be viewed) attach.
Plus, I have no doubt he'd change the locks and I'd be stuck with whatever I walked out with that night. I need my computer to move the assets around.
Contact an attorney, have papers drawn and have him escorted away. Done.
And without probably cause, I have little chance of him being escorted off the property. Not what I want anyway. I just want him to leave.
I need my computer to move the assets around.
So change the order. Move the assets then walk out the door. What he can't find isn't his!! Seriously, open your own account move half then leave. I know I am being a butthead but I am trying to make you see that you DO have a choice. Not any easy choice but a choice. Stay and be treated the way that you are or leave (willingly giving up some things that are very important to you) for a life without abuse. You can't control him only yourself. He is clearly not going to make the right choices where you are concerned. He is only thinking of his best interests. It is time for you to think of yours.
HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!! Now to cut it up!!
(just kiddling sort of)
Echoing Lost Heart - did you get your stomach situation checked out yet?
He later told me that he didnt really like what I wore.
You know, he doesnt even remember our wedding day.
Looking back now, I can see how he had been clearly disconnected from everything.
Does anybody not look back at their M on purpose, because it hurts too much?
I try hard to look at the present, at the now. But damn, when I remember the then, it still pains so deeply.
Shirley, I am ok, thanks for asking. Just taking it one day at a time.
How are you doing??
H surprised me last night.
My sister has their anniversary the day after us, and she called last night to find out whether we want to double date.
When I asked H how he felt about that, he said he would prefer for us to be alone, because "its our anniversary!"
He has never ever did anything special on the day, or felt that we should celebrate it any way. Even when I planned everything, I knew in my heart, that he didnt feel it special, and just went along to keep the peace.
Isnt it strange, now how he finds it special?
Someone just mentioned that too, did they?
Ukg, how did it go with ripping up the dress?
You know, he doesnt even remember our wedding day.
All mine remembers is stopping every 10 minutes for pictures. Said he never got to enjoy the party.
I made my wedding gown with the help of one of my mother's friends. I remember every single stitch of lace, every seed pearl we sewed on while he was in Texas boinking the first OW. I still have it. Never thought of disposing of it, hoped some day to use the lace from it for something on my D's gown. The material was never preserved so it's dingy and yellowed.
But now I'd think twice about putting something on her dress that led to something so awful in my M.
I've stopped thinking that whole day was a lie. It wasn't to me anyway. And I think he loved me then, as well as he could.
Isnt it strange, now how he finds it special?
Looking at photos is so not a good idea. I’m sorting out the box room and getting rid of all the crap (like, who needs blankets these days??) and root out the wedding dress. Then I see the boxes of photos. It’s okay. Just chuck them back in when I’ve done. I won’t throw or burn them like I did the pre-marriage love letters. My wedding dress is still on my bed. H saw me in it. He is asking me not to throw it out. Because (like you, weepy) I made it. That’s no reason!! In fact, that’s why I want to use my dress making shears and cut it up! He’s getting all sentimental. Yeh, right. Bit fucking late. I showed him loads of photos. Said “pick a number” and then took out the wad. And all of them have good memories. He’s smiling, laughing, mucking about with the kids, there are parties, “do’s”, holidays, our beautiful gardens, dogs, kids asleep on him, him reading them stories, in the bath with them (we had a BIG bath!), us as young loves - and he looks happy. I’m thinking wtf was wrong with our life? Why did he have to wreck it so spectacularly? And, would you know it, in most of the photos since he began his affair he is not smiling, he is not happy, he is not relaxed, well a couple on the 25th anni/50th b’day hol in Egypt when he didn’t take his phone (or so he says …….. ) So. Where is his happiness going to come from now? And I found another book, up there in the box room, from that stupid fucking woman. “all my love, Rosie”. PUKE. A leather bound Chaucer. He’d better have chucked it out. Oh, God, I’m rambling again.
in most of the photos since he began his affair he is not smiling, he is not happy, he is not relaxed
OMG UK same here, or his pictures were of his hand over the lens or his face turned away. Plus I have very few photos of him during that time period because he wasn't there!!! He avoided all celebrations unless forced to attend and then he hid in an out of the way spot.
I don't know if my H would get all misty eyed about our anniversary or not. He did at first, now, probably not so much.
But this seems to be two way. He has asked me what I am thinking when I give him “the look” (usually “bastard” or “prat” or “fuckwit”), I told him I had no secret life and he did. So he gave me “the look”.
ETA. Weepy. Mostly he has a set look on his face. A set jaw with (probably) gitted teeth. Sometimes almost angry. Somehow, I missed it. I was sooooo stoopid
[This message edited by UKgirl at 2:21 PM, June 11th (Wednesday)]
I am wanting him to tell me some facts. He might not like it, but it is what I require. That is what IC has told him. And then it is up to me to choose. I cannot make a considered decision if I do not have all the facts.
That is it exactly! Whatever truths you get will, most definitely, be painful. But, those answers will allow you to make an informed decision. This is what you need, what you require and the fact that he is willing to go forward with it is a very good sign.
As far as memories, I have put away most of the framed photos in the house, don't look at the albums, don't even think about wedding stuff as that is an absolute joke. I am actually enjoying cleaning up and throwing our so much stuff that I was holding onto for sentimental reasons. Didn't like it just assumed it must mean something. Nuh-uh into the garbage with it all.
Suddenly, everything we have shared seems to have this ethereal mist around it for him. He’s being sentimental about stuff he has NEVER been romantic about.
I think as they come out of the fog (and the fog lasts as long as the gaslighting and blameshifting lasts) they start to look back on their life with a new filter. When they were in their As they allowed themselves to believe that everything about their lives was miserable and, therefore, the "deserved" to "make themselves happy". Now as they look back, they are sad and sentimental thinking about the moments they missed, the moments when they were not completely present, the moments that are the fabric of their lives that they were tearing to pieces.
Meanwhile, we WERE enjoying those times. Seeing them for what they were - the building of our life. Now they are painful for us - NOT because we regret the memories - but, because we thought we were sharing them with someone and we find out we were experiencing them alone.
So when I think back at the birth of my children, the birthday parties, the school plays, the opening of Christmas presents, the Easter egg hunts, I don't regret a thing. But the memories are bittersweet as it was part of a partnership, it was really just me and the kids.
As far as the wedding, ours was picture perfect, grand and completely meaningless now. I will never celebrate or acknowledge that date again.
I hope it is the end of that stage and the beginning of a great new stage for you. If your H is there with you by your choice and his hard work, all the better for you.
Also, I will echo the question about your health. Did you see the GP yet?
Lost, I don't really remember much about my wedding either. I'm not really sure why. My husband, who failed to honor its meaning almost immediately, remembers everything.
People are truly strange beings.
As with all of you, my history with my H is a disaster. But the present with him is good. (Okay, at the risk of jinxing myself here goes). He is completely remorseful, willing to tell the truth, open on whereabouts at all times, caring to the children, an much better partner around the house and willing to bear my pain. So if I look at living in the past with all the pain and living in the Now with what is a good situation, the Now is much better.
I still have not "gotten over it". I have not forgiven him. I will never forget, but from a pure existence standpoint, the now is a much better place than constantly dwelling on the pain of the past.
I know this all sounds so bogus but give the book a chance. Even if my life was a disaster, in the now I can at least look at the peonies in bloom and have a moment of joy.