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User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My copy of the "Language of Letting Go" arrived this afternoon. I'm going to get into it right after I post here. AND I'm going to re-read the detachment thread.

We had our physicals, I probably won't get coverage because of the depression and the pre-diabetes. The agent told me that anyway.

He acted like a complete ass, telling the visiting nurse that I think he's depressed, but he's not. She hadn't even asked him. He was so proud of himself at the weigh in too... How he'd lost the 15 lbs he'd gained from quitting smoking because he went back to doing physical labor again. No gym necessary for him.

He also made sure he mentioned to the nurse that he HAD to keep on working even in the 99 degree heat because I'm not working now. Moaned and groaned so much about not getting to eat until after the physicals. I reminded him to eat before 2:30, but he decided not to, not my fault he was starving when he came home.

DS and I finally left to go get a movie. H hasn't spoken to me since complaining about something on the dinner table, I forget what. I'm not talking to him either. We watched The Bucket List. I knew when I saw Morgan Freeman in the bar and how the "woman" approached him seh was a pro and either way that scene went was going to be bad, either he takes her up on her offer, being unfaithful for the first time in 60 years of marriage or he's going to show some integrity and turn her down, so I left. Went to the kitchen for water. H notices.

He goes out and makes some pizza (for himself) and I'm cleaning up behind him.. I pick up a fork and he says "I knew it, I put the fork down for 5 seconds and you throw it in the sink." How the f*&k I was supposed to know that was HIS pizza fork, I'll never know. Half the counter was still covered with dirty plates and dishes.

That did it. Nothing I say, nothing I do is going to be good enough or right or the way he wants it. Seems to me if I left he'd have nothing to complain about. I'd be doing him a favor. I've already told DD she may need to get her own ride to the bus on Friday. I'm not sure I'm going to be home tomorrow night.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy,

Sending big hugs your way. It seems like you are on overload with what you can take from your H right now. Maybe a break is in order- to get away at least for a short while? Sometimes that also helps to gain perspective and clarity on situations.

We had our physicals, I probably won't get coverage because of the depression and the pre-diabetes

What? Are you saying you might not have medical coverage because of this? OMG- I'm not even quite 40 and overweight & I just know I'm gonna end up diabetic at some point, but geez... I didn't think they will not cover you or drop you. What the hell? **shaking head*** I'm sorry, Weepy, that's the last thing you need to be worrying about and have on your plate right now. It's no wonder that you are stressed out- with trying to find a job, your H's little jabs and these other things. You are quite normal, my friend. This could crack anyone- hang in there.

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:03 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all. Iím actually feeling quite good today. Ripping up the dress was very cathartic. I laid it out on the bed, looking lovely, took my shears and snipped my way right up the front seam. I opened it out, took the end of the long train trailing on the floor and cut through the back seam until I reached the bed. Then I ripped it until it was in two pieces. Then I cut and ripped every panel. Then I began to smile and then laugh as I finished it off and tore into the veil. When it was a pile of shredded bits on the floor, I kicked it around. And then I gathered it all up, chucked it in some plastic that was in the box, screwed up the tissue wrapping, took it outside, put it in the bin and slammed down the lid!!

This morning, H said ďthree of your flowers have come offĒ. He put them on the dresser. I put them in the bin.

And what was his reaction to shredding the old dress UK?

He doesnít know. Well, I donít think he does. He went off early this morning for an interview. He was amazed to see me in it though. As was DS3.

Did you see the GP yet?

Nah. I have so many issues, Iíd have to make a block booking! Anyhow, heíd just tell me to stay off the alcohol (my calorie of choice), prob prescribe me some ADís (suicidal thoughts lately), some sleeping tabs to improve my average of 4hrs a night (keep waking up at 4am and not going back to sleep), and send me off to get poked and prodded for my stomach and liver. I donít throw up (and Iím a world expert on that one), any pain is not really pain, itís an ache or a constant awareness that my heart seems to have dropped into the pit of my stomach. My heart still doesnít seem right, almost as if itís too big to fit in the chest space Ė and I have sort of palpitations, but then getting up to 190bpm is normal for me on the treadmill. Walking pace is usually about 130. I donít know about my blood pressure, but it was okay some time before DDay when the doc came out to give me a jab to stop me throwing up every 15mins during a migraine attack. I donate blood every four months, so get all sorts of routine checks there (including the HIV & Hep, so health ins not affected by std screening after DDay). Next donation is due 23rd.

Itís just when I eat I feel Iíve eaten a load of concrete, my stomach tightens and then it just aches. Iím sure itís all stress related.

(((((weepy))))). Cos I think you need them.

Iím off to finish off the box room and then go down the tip. Shame thereís not a recycling skip for WSís.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:21 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all.

((((((Ukg))))))

I am worried about you. Please please see your GP. It sounds like you are heading for some sort of breakdown. It doesnt have to be that way. You CAN get this under control. You really can.
How are your IC sessions going?

****
Shirley,I also look back now and know that it was only the kids and me together. He admitted to being a bystander to our lives. At that time, he blamed us for making him feel like an outsider, but lately, he can see that it was his choice all along.

***
((((Weepy))))

Its not you. Its not you. Its not you. Its not you.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 4:57 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you saying you might not have medical coverage because of this?

hb, actually it's life insurance. I lost my policy when I lost my job. The agent says it looks fishy that I got the pre-diabetes diagnosis just a month prior to applying for the insurance. The depression just sealed the deal. They don't actually want to insure people who might have something that will kill them afterall.

I stayed up last night and read the detachment article and my new book last night. H didn't erase his call list, so now I wonder if he's "testing" me. He didn't actually dial the number or it would have shown up with a length of time or at least on the bill.

Its not you. Its not you. Its not you. Its not you.

thanks LH, sometimes I need reminding.

ETA: H called this morning and I tried to put one of the detachment hints into play. Since he is constantly on me with guilt-provoking or critical statements, I knew I'd have an opportunity pretty soon.

This am he calls, asks what DS is doing today and I said I was unaware. So H says "are we ever going to get rid of that carpet outside... you know the one I was saving and you threw in the yard? Have him cut it up today and put out for the trash tomorrow." So I said, "can do. Oh, and speaking of the yard, are you ever going to get those leaves mulched and out of the garden so we can plant our vegetables?"

(The article says when they throw this stuff at you, give negative feedback by bringing up something they've neglected -- if that's the intention of the barb -- a mistake, something they regret)

His reaction was to tell me that his BIL was "supposed" to tell him where the mulcher was and would I call him and tell him someone would pick it up this afternoon.... oh and what does that have to do with the rug?

Nothing dear. Nothing at all. Just something I know needs to be done. SO, I'm calling BIL and telling him he was supposed to let you know where the equipment was?

No, just tell him I'll pick it up this afternoon. (Yeah, because I'm sure BIL didn't say that)

The article says it may take a while and practice. I just need to keep the A out of it,if I can. But the next time he gives me the "out of money" speech, I may just have to say what the investment of $10K 10 years ago would be now if it hadn't gone to whores.

[This message edited by weepy at 7:27 AM, June 12th (Thursday)]


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have him cut it up today and put out for the trash tomorrow."

"No, I wont. You tell him."

would I call him and tell him someone would pick it up this afternoon

"No, I cant. You call him."


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have him cut it up today and put out for the trash tomorrow."
"No, I wont. You tell him."


would I call him and tell him someone would pick it up this afternoon
"No, I cant. You call him."

Exactly. He can't use a phone?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm the keeper of the phone numbers. Frankly, after what he USED to do, actually picking up the equipment is an improvement.

Of course I also found out BIL told him to come get it a month ago.

And you're right... about telling our son. He used to complain about his father always telling his mother to tell the kids to do something... I'll just call him John the next time he does it. He'll get the message..... and he'll get mad.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, we seem to have you in our spotlight today.

I'll just call him John the next time he does it. He'll get the message..... and he'll get mad.

Dont you think this would escalate the tit for tat between you two?

****
Hi Shirley! How are you doing?

How come noone's around to play when I am off work??


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't really f'ng care about escalating this. Maybe it needs to be escalated. I'm tired of taking the "adult" role, the reasonable role. HE gets to pout and moan and complain. He's pouting now. I left my phone in the car while I picked out my flowers. He called and I didn't answer so he waited for the message to come on and then loudly hung up right after a Harumph! from him. I called him as soon as I got to the car, apologized for missing his call and that's the last I've heard.

the tit for tat between you two

lately it's been all tit from him. I never tat until I'm pushed to the wall.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Lost Heart....sorry to leave you alone in the sandbox. I have been out and about all day and now am starting the loop with the kids.

I am doing okay - thanks for asking. I had a realization last night that my H was trying very hard those intervening 6 years to "come back" to me and the family. I guess he just didn't realize how far away he had put himself, how much damage he had done to our intimacy by cutting himself off emotionally from me. I saw him working at something. I just didn't know what it was. I was pulling away from him as I had put so much into the kids without him around. Now that I recognize how desperately he wanted to come back, it helps me see his current remorse in a better light. He confessed something 6 years later in an effort to keep us together. I hope his efforts going forward can help us.

Question to those much further out? When does any feeling of love come back at all? It is like having a roomie with benefits ( ) and there is a comfort to it, but no love. Does it come back? Does something better replace it? Or is it a roomie with benefits for the rest of time?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lately it's been all tit from him. I never tat until I'm pushed to the wall

Weepy, I hope you dont think I am criticising you.It seems that when you 2 get into this dance, you are the one who ends up most hurt.

Theres something to be said when you stop your steps..remember the times when you didnt react to him at all when he was being such an ass? He came around eventually, but more importantly, YOU felt better about you.

Take care, my friend.

***

it helps me see his current remorse in a better light

Thats great, Shirley!
Every little bit helps, KWIM?

***
I am so out of sorts today.
Had a good venting session at IC. Told her I am feeling so overwhelmed with everything, and am not achieving the work/family life balance at all. I feel pulled from all directions, when all I want is to be left alone. Not really, but just time out.

Something came up in IC that made me very sad. When I asked her what was her diagnosis of me, one of the things she mentioned was my intense self hatred. Another was, the great internal struggle I have in me about many things, for eg. I always felt so strongly about cheating, and yet, here I am still...

Sometimes, I feel so tired and so f**ked up, I just wonder what the point of anything really is.

[This message edited by Lost Heart at 2:43 PM, June 12th (Thursday)]


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Lost,

I know that feeling. It's almost like every little bit of progress you make just shows you how much farther you have to go.

But let me tell you what I see when I look at you.

I see a woman of courage. One who is facing her deepest fears and most serious problems forthrightly, and with determination. I see a woman who has come farther in a year than many people do in a lifetime.

I also see a woman who has the heart to help others bear their burdens even while she is fighting so hard to handle her own. Being a working mom is a tough assignment for everyone. For someone trying to recover from a LTA at the same time, it is a giant task.

But you're doing it. Not perfectly, but well. In fact, you're doing great, Lost. Give yourself a pat on the back instead of a kick in the rear, OK? And get a good night's sleep.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HS,
When does any feeling of love come back at all?

I can't speak for anyone else, but to truly "feel" the love for my FWH it really didn't come until after the 2 year mark past dday. Heck, I didn't even say I love you back those first six months after dday- couldn't do it, didn't feel it. As I saw the remorse and his efforts sustained over time I started to fall in love with him again. Today, I love him completely, but there is not 100 percent trust and there is still a part of me that is severely wounded and the part of our M from that A time that has died.

LH,
Another was, the great internal struggle I have in me about many things, for eg. I always felt so strongly about cheating, and yet, here I am still... Yep, this was me, too. LH, it's not you, you are not an isolated flawed person for dealing with this. I still struggle with this- because in the "old" days I viewed staying after cheating as a person being a doormat. I guess my IC phrased it a bit differently, but for me this part of the journey was actually forgiving myself for staying. It went against all of me entire belief system. But you know, farther out in this process some of that core belief system has changed. Forgiveness wasn't part of that old system, it is now. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. But it surely has been a struggle for me, too. I think the stronger your pre-dday beliefs on cheating, the more this "internal struggle" rears its head. LH< you CAN work through this. It doesn't come overnight, or even over months.

BT, Have I mentioned lately how brilliant you are and what a support you are here? Thank you for being you.

(((TRIBE))) I'm leaving on vacation Saturday a.m. and will be out of contact. Hope everyone stays safe and supportive. And by the way, RUN or OTC if you are out there- can ya post a little update?

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as the "love" coming back--I don't even know anymore what that means to me. Nearly 3 years from d-day, and I know the trust isn't there completely--complicated by the OC factor of course--but I still wonder if the contact he has to have, combined with whatever feelings he had/has aren't still making for an emotional connection that is too much for me to contemplate. He tries to reassure me that it isn't so--and most importantly his actions point to him being completely in our relationship--but I think one of the big pieces of fallout from the LTA is me not ever really feeling totally loved the way I did before. And maybe that was naive of me anyway. So I look to daily life, which speaks louder than words, to make me feel loved and thus loving. And it works part of the time.

I also wonder if there hadn't been a kid, if I still wouldn't feel as though I have a different type of marriage, a different type of love--I do feel strong feelings for him which I guess is love--but they're up and down depending on how I'm feeling, what we're doing, how much I think he's investing each and every day in our R--

I hate to think we're friends with benefits!! I know that relates to sexual benefits, but in a long-term marriage, there are other benefits which are very powerful as well--and they all contribute to my feelings of being in the right place for me and for us right now.

I don't think, at least for me, that there's a time when all of a sudden, there's "love" again--it's a process, like so much else in long term recovery. And I'm satisfied with where we are for right now.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello tribe.
I've just read through last 3 pages. Thanks for all the support/advice/thoughts about anniversary and other occasion celebrations. {{{LTA)))

LostHeart wrote:
"but I feel that my best isn't good enough ... will never compare to his fantasy with her... and that is what hurts me to the core."

Really? Then why is he with you, and not Miss Perfect??
Because he knows deep down something that you will realise hopefully soon...that Miss Perfect was never real in any way that mattered, just hot air and lipstick.
It took me a LONG time before I saw them (the OW) the way they really were. I had to come out of my fog to do that. They were desperate broken pathetic people, just like our Hs.


Thanks so much for pointing this out, LH. I needed to hear this from someone else. I know that OW is a pathetic broken person who stalked my H online and took advantage of his naivety. He didn't ever see her in the same light as I did - even years before the A but something drew him to her that he can't explain. It's for this reason that I can't understand the choices he made in not revealing her identity to me in the first place when he found out. She was not an internet stranger in a gaming room! She was one of his employees from the city we'd transferred from and where we have now moved back to. So she knew us, saw us as a family at my H's 25 yr company service dinner, and still came after him. Her choice of 'nickname' made me question right away. He was clueless. This doesn't excuse his LTA. I've told him though that I hate his behaviour just can't hate him. She on the other hand is someone I do hate despite my Christian upbringing and can't wait to hear that the Karma bus has run her over.

Weepy wrote:
I'm already dreading next year. It will be my 30th year married to this guy. Already preparing ways to handle the inevitable "wow, you lasted 30 years with this guy?" crap.

My H's affair started a few months after our 30th anniv.in June/03. Dday was Feb/o7. As a result I have a hard time thinking of this as our 35th. the way he does. I'm not sure which it should be but for at least 3 of the last 5 years we were not in the same marriage.

Like LH said, they were nothing but air in reality. A "mistake" if you will. (hate that word). Making your anniversary special feeling the way you were, was a mistake. Now you know, you've learned from it. Let's see if he has.

I told him I didn't consider this a 'special' day, that I was feeling sad but he tried to make it special anyway. He brought flowers home on Saturday. We went out for a nice dinner Sunday evg. But Monday my 'happy face' just wasn't up to it. He made dinner, had our fav wine poured... then for some reason couldn't wait for me to join him at the table. What gives? That spoiled it for me. Evg went downhill from there. Tuesday's dinner plans with dd & s-i-l were postponed to last night. We had a pleasant family dinner and were home early as H had early flight East this morning. We have spoken 3 times on the phone today. I'm going to dinner with a gf tonight. Love that rollercoaster NOT!

UKGirl wrote:
This year is already sorted for our 28th anniversary Ė But, actually, I have told him that I do not want to acknowledge 20th Sept again. In my mind, that m is over. And it was over in Oct 2001 when he first fucked her again.
But how can I do to find another date for us? Maybe one day the ďmomentĒ will arrive and Iíll just say ďI think we should have Champagne tonightĒ.

I wish I had the answer to that question UKGirl. I know that my H wanted this anniversary to be a new beginning and is very upset about his ruining the evening. We are trying to put it behind us. Our marriage will be long distance until the end of June so we'll see how a little separation affects him/us.

I had written "June is a month full of occasions for us." LostHeart wrote:

For me too, LostSoul.
I am just taking each one as it comes. I was so disappointed last year this time...nothing was right. And I realised that with where we were in our relationship, nothing would have been right. I should have just focused on me, instead of expecting anything of us as a couple.
This year is different. It feels different.
We have our 13 wedding anniv. coming up next week, and for the first time in those 13 years, we actually feel like a couple, not just me dragging him along.
For the record, I don't see it as an anniversary celebration. I am not there yet. Its more like a date.
And then we have Father's Day on Sunday.

I hope you have a great 'date' LH. It's good to read that you feel different, like a couple and will be able to get away. As "empty nesters" we are able to get away pretty much 'whenever'. As for Father's Day - our son & daughter & their spouses will 'do' this at a time they can all get together along with H's bday on 22nd as he's away on business both days.

HeartBroken responded:
But like BT said, even years after dday sometimes the meaning of that anniversary is just not the same. And the day comes and we all struggle. Our H's seem to cling to the day (I know mine does- gets all sentimental and crap) for dear life, and we just sorta go along with the motions. For them, they have realized the importance of the M and want to celebrate. For us, we knew it all along and had our hearts trampled on, and redefined the marital history.

UKGirl wrote:
LostS, I hope last night was okay for you. For me, putting on the smile has become part of putting on my make up. Just hope it was more of a family dinner than a non)celebration.

HurtShirley wrote:

LostSoul - Sorry you had such a rough day. For me, the whole anniversary thing just doesn't work anymore. What we were supposed to be celebrating just didn't happen. The vows were never really taken internally by them so it just doesn't matter. It doesn't mean that we haven't spent a significant amount of time together building some kind of a life (for better or worse ) but a "marriage" - not! I agree with the others that, at some point, we may find a way to recognize that time and, hopefully, find a way to start anew but not on that day.

All these sentiments ring true with me so I'm repeating them.
Thanks all of you for being there for me as well as those who read my posts and didn't respond. I know that sometimes we just aren't in a place to post... BTDT... and I pray for all of us in the club nobody wants a membership to.

Again {{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Heart - I agree with BT (and she is such a wise soul)...

I know that feeling. It's almost like every little bit of progress you make just shows you how much farther you have to go.

I think this is why we tell the newbies one step at a time. In those early days if we had even tried to contemplate what this process would be like, we would never had made it. I am still going day by day. We will all have work to do for the rest of our lives, with our spouses or without them. You are so strong and I can tell by the advice that you give others that you completely and utterly get it. Hang in there.

(hey, I just called *them* newbies - does that mean I am not a newbie!!!)

HB -

As I saw the remorse and his efforts sustained over time I started to fall in love with him again.

I suspected this was the case but wanted to hear from some of you that some feelings of love do come back. Right now it is roomie with benefits and help with the kids period. No warm feeling in the stomach at all. Sooooo sad

Hey, have a great vacation. Will you miss us? And Run and OTC, where are you guys?


25W -

I don't think, at least for me, that there's a time when all of a sudden, there's "love" again--it's a process

Thanks for reminding me of that. It was a process the first time (other than the crush/butterfly moments of teenage love). It will have to be a process again. I just hope I can find a place in my heart for him. I don't want to be a roomate. I want to feel love, commitment, respect, joy, friendship, all those things again.

LostSoul - glad we could help. I just find the whole anniversary thing is such a minefield. Trying to get through this long distance must be even harder.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shirley,

You are doing so incredibly well. You sound so strong and so together.

I'm really impressed, and a little jealous. I was such a damn mess at the same point you are. A mean, mad, really messed up mess of a woman.

You are doing great. I hope you know that.

BT


Hearbroken, I feel the same way about you. Have a great vacation. Are you going someplace really cool?

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT,

Have a great vacation. Are you going someplace really cool?

Nothing exotic, but we are doing a driving trip through Idaho and Wyoming. It should be very pretty and we will do some jet boat tours of the Snake River and get through Hell's Canyon area. Thanks for asking
Catch you all when I get back!

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank BT. Right now I feel pretty good but, like you, keep looking over my shoulder for something bad to happen.

I have to say that book "The Power of Now" has been a huge help.

HB - that sounds like a great trip. The boating on the river sound amazing. That is such a beautiful part of the country. Big sky country - I miss it. Have a great time. We will be thinking of you.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

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