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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, June 14th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostsuol, don't make it a waste. Do something you want to do and put him out of your mind. That's how I get through some days.

As my IC pointed out last night,he knows exactly what he's doing and he's trying (maybe unconsciously) to get a reaction from you and he did. Now you're angry and he looks like the "good guy". Don't give him that satisfaction.

My H just spent the morning trying to provoke me. Stupid stuff. Now he wants to move to some stupid hick town in Missouri. Some island between two major rivers. He's facinated that he hasn't flooded out. Big whoop. And I'm now the negative one because I said I have no interest in it. And said something like I"m sure it floods there, just because the houses are still standing, doesn't mean they don't get water every single time it rains. Our house is still standing after our flood. Yeah, I'm negative. I just gave him what he gives me "whatever". What I really should do is tell him that it's impossible to go along with every single hairbrained idea he gets. One day it's this and one day it's that. I try to be supportive and positive about the big, important, reality based things, like his doing sales instead of roofing, like when he moved back into roofing from sales, like when he wanted to start his own business. Now which stupid hick town or hairbrained business scheme he wants to do today that changes tomorrow.

Fuck them all unless they're being real and connected and true.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, June 14th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((lostsuol))))

What was his reason for missing the call time?

I am with Weepy on this one:
do something for you today.

***

He's facinated that he hasn't flooded out.


That had better be a typo, Weepy!
Then again....

***
Off for my evening out. Am sore that my fav trousers dont fit anymore.
Very sore..a few months ago, it was falling off me.

Anyhow...onwards and upwards..
I am going to have a blast tonight!

HAve a good weekend, Tribe!!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, June 14th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

good morning! LOL... 2 1/2 hours sleep but it is still a.m. here.

Dull and dreary outside... just the way I feel.

Weepy, you are amazing. I don't know how you put up with your H. 'Cept I do cuz I'm doing the same thing and wondering why.

He has no reason for not calling earlier. IMO, he could have taken a few minutes between the dinner outing and 'sitting around talking over a few drinks' to call me but I guess he didn't want to miss anything.

Hope you have a great evening out LH. You deserve it.

What shall I do for me today???


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, June 14th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Needing some opinion please.

I have a keylogger and check emails. Makes me feel like I have some control. H knows I have checked emails but that's it. And his phone of course. So I find he emailed his professor (going back for his bachelor's) to tell her his grandfather in Ohio died and he has to miss the last class for the funeral. Can he arrange another time to do his presentation and can he email his term paper. She was very sorry for him and said of course.

Grandparents are all day and not a soul we know lives in Ohio. big fat freaking lie. I mention the class to see if he will tell me he's skipping or whatever. I don't care, he has a good grade. Nothing. Says his last one is Monday.

I am terrified. What if he says he's going to class Monday? Do I follow him after dropping the kids somewhere? What if he says it's cancelled or something and goes to kung fu? I might just follow. I don't know. I am just flabbergasted.

I had a horrible time after reading it and just told him I was having a bad day. Cried and cried for hours. He said all the right things. He loves me, there is no one else, he made those mistakes and is so sorry for him, he will never risk it again, he is so thankful i stayed, he loves me, it will get better, he'll prove he's trustworthy, blah blah blah.

So best case scenario he just doesn't want to go to class for whatever reason and didn't tell me. Stays home and no big deal. Worst case, he is planning on meeting her or something although thy have had NC from what I can tell since dday. My birthday is Tuesday too of all things. And he is not the type to think that far ahead and plan to take me out to surprise me or anything. He never does stuff like that.

I am just sick to my stomach. Could be nothing, could be everything. Either way he is just a complete liar.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, June 14th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoLost, I so hope he's doing something for your birthday. But I would follow him if that's feasible--I'm sure it's never as easy as it looks on tv. Actually, I wish I could get a similar chance--hopefully to prove my suspicions unfounded, or at the least, to find out the truth whatever it is.

Hard to be suspicious and watchful all the time, isn't it. I'm further out than you, but still sleep with one eye open, as they say. Probably will forever--another fallout from a LTA.

Good luck and let us know what happens.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, June 14th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoLost,

I would follow for sure. One of my greatest regrets is not following up on my concerns early in the affair. If I had, my life would have been much different.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, June 14th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Lost- you need to know what he is doing. I told H right after dday absolutely NO FUCKING SURPRISES at all. I don't want to find something like you have found and go into a tailspin only to find out he was planning something. I would be upfront and honest with him. Tell him what you found. Ask him why he lied. There is a great post in general by DesertLotus on why telling the truth is so important to all Waywards. I will find the lind and post it in an edit.

Do not let this go. Best case you are a nervous wreck for days over nothing. Worse case, there is something going on and you don't know what it is.

If you don't feel comfortable confronting him then follow him. But I feel the truth is the best way.

ETA: the link

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=239269

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 4:40 PM, June 14th (Saturday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:06 AM, June 15th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all.

I had a lovely evening last night. The food was delicious, the comics were funny (well, most of the time!),the lively summer atmosphere in Covent Gardens was fantastic, H was affectionate and attentive, and I was chilled and enjoyed it all.
I did mini-trigger a few times, but managed to stay on course. Who would have thought that remotely possible 2 years ago, let alone a year ago!

Can't believe we have been together for 15.5 years, and M'd for 13.

****

but I guess he didn't want to miss anything.

LostSuol, thats not a good enough reason. Surely, he knew how anxious you would have been. You guys have discussed this prior, right?

Now, what steps are you BOTH going to take, to ensure that this doesnt happen again?

I hope you managed to do something nice for you.

***
SoLost, I am hoping that he is doing some surprise birthday shopping.
Either way, I would rather not be anxious, then be surprised.

I would not tip him off. Arrange for someone to watch the kids. IS there a close friend that can come with you, and keep you on course?

Follow him. Dont intervene. Just observe. And dont leave, until you are sure he is heading home.

Stay calm and focused.Whatever happens, you WILL survive this.

((((SoLost))))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, June 15th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know. Ijust don't know. There's nothing suspicious whatsoever other than him emailing his professor that. No emails, no going to the store, nothing. I told hm I thought he was acting weird (grumpy) the past few days and he says he just had a bad day and has said everything he's been saying for months about loving me and sorry and he would never do that to me again and he was stupid and he wishes he could make it easier for me. Blah, blah blah. I hope it's rue.

I will say that during the A he could not look me in the eye. I would ask questions and he was never adamant that it wasn't happening. Just annoyed that I asked. He seems a bit frustrated with my sudden onslaught of tears (which seems like him-frustrated but trying anyway) and has looked me in the eye and answered my questions.

I guess I just need to see how tomorrow pans ot. Confronting him early would be very unsatisfying as I'm sure there is some excuse.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, June 15th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoLost,
Guess time must be going real slow now, huh?

Crossing all my fingers that man of yours is going on a shopping spree.

((((SoLost))))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost,

I am so glad you guys had a good night out, it sounds like lots of fun.

******

SoLost,

Good luck today. I hope it turns out to be something innocuous.

*******
UKgirl,

I'm thinking of you. I hope you are doing better.


BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost,

I am also happy that you had a fun night and weekend. I am wishing for you many more!

UKGirl,

I am worried about you... let us know that you are ok...

SoLost,

Hope it is nothing... you are in my thoughts.

Weepy,

How are you today?

To everyone else, good morn. Hope everyone is well.
Things at my house and between my FWH and I are unbelievably good. My son started moving into his house this past W/E, so we helped with that. Friday we went to dinner with some friends and then went with some friends to a car show Sat. nite. The weather was great--- no rain!!

Since we have returned from our vacation, time seems to be just flying by. I REALLY miss the beach and I want to go back!! No hope for that, but we are going camping this W/E at my favorite place!! It is only an hour and 1/2 from home. I want to get away as often as I can!!

In the meantime I am in the process of purging my home of anything and everything we don't use or want. I have decided that less is more. My buddy sells her stuff at a sale in the fall. I asked if she would mind if I sent some of mine for her to sell and she said sure, and the rest will go to goodwill.

My wanting to simplify stems from the recent loss of a friend of ours. FWH and I have both decided that it's important to spend as much time as possible with friends and family and living life.

I did want to share what my H did. I was so touched that it brought tears to my eyes. My daughter had a really rough time dealing with the aftermath of her Dads A. We know that it takes ALOT of time to trust again and she truly believed that she would never love her Dad again. She has been having a rough time lately. School is hard, and her friends haven't been very nice, and everything just seems hard to her right now. So out of the blue her Dad bought her a card and gave her the money for her plane ticket to Florida in Aug. He also wrote her some things that she has been needing to hear. I almost couldn't believe that this was the same man, and then I knew that he really has changed.

Well... I need to put my tenny shoes on and walk. Hope we all have a good day.


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Lost - thinking of you and hoping for the best. Check in and let us know you are okay when you can.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow - quiet in here today. Where is everyone?

I am having one of the down days. I just hate it when they hit. I haven't done anything all day. Just allowing the darkness to overtake me. I have been doing so well that it really surprised me when it hit. I think a lot of it is a result of Father's Day. I know I kept thinking WTF - how come he gets to even see his kids given what he has done.

I know he is remorseful, I know he is working incredibly hard but it just doesn't seem fair that he gets to celebrate with the three beautiful, talented, wonderful, loving daughters that he was willing to throw under the bus so he could fuck other women. And, I have to sit there and watch the whole thing knowing what he did. Knowing that he didn't care that I was their mother and a good mother at that.

I know it is in the past and I am supposed to focus on the now and what he is doing now but sometimes the past comes out of its dark cave and drags me bag in there....


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I almost couldn't believe that this was the same man, and then I knew that he really has changed.

Ahhh Lovin! Thats the moment many of us look forward to.
Thank you for sharing.

***
(((Shirley)))

know it is in the past and I am supposed to focus on the now and what he is doing now but sometimes the past comes out of its dark cave and drags me bag in there

Sweetie, give yourself a break, ok?

You havent even passed the 1 year mark, for crying out loud.
You really wouldnt have recognised me when I was at your mark. I was one huge pool anger and hurt and pain (ahhh...just a little different from now .

You are doing so well, Shirley. Really. And the crash after doing well on significant day is all too common.

Vent here if you need to. I know I have one filling up just for tomorrow (anniversary day).Arrgghh.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ukg, how did the weekend go? Did you go to Leicester Square at all on Sat night? It was so thumping...I felt really old.

Please let us know how you are.

****
SoLost, you are in my thoughts.

****
Shirley, hang in there.

[This message edited by Lost Heart at 2:19 PM, June 16th (Monday)]


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its almost 20:30 and I am dead beat.

Hope everyone is keeping safe and sane.

Goodnight all.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I missed you Lost Heart. I took my own advice and went for a long walk with the dog and then worked out. (trying to get the endomorphins working in my favor). Still in a funk. I think I am where several of you have been lately. The whole "why am I here?" theme. Am I staying for the right reasons or because it is easier? Do I respect myself if I stay? blah, blah, blah...

jeez this sucks...


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it is in the past and I am supposed to focus on the now and what he is doing now but sometimes the past comes out of its dark cave and drags me bag in there....

Shirley - I know everyone on here can relate to what it is you're feeling. When I talk about this experience, I generally describe it in terms of waves. There is the slow swell of the A depression wave, the cresting of the wave and the crashing onto the shore (in other words, the total falling apart, sobbing and bemoaning my situation). Then there is that period of calm until the next swell occurs. I can say that the waves of my depression are further and further apart but they still do overcome me even as recently as this past week.
Like you, Father's Day is a trigger. We want them to be punished and it can be infuriating to think that they are getting off too easily but then I know that my children need to believe in their father's goodness and I would be doing them more harm if I tried to belittle him. You did the right thing, as hard as it was, and that does make you a wonderful mother.
I was on vacation this past week and my H and I were watching the tributes to Tim Russert and I was triggering all over the place. Everyone was talking about his integrity, his devotion to his family, his commitment and on and on. I felt so cheated not to have had a H whose qualities included integrity, honesty, commitment, devotion and overall goodness. I was not as kind as you though. I did not have a picnic for my H and I didn't even acknowledge the day. Fortunately my children were not in the area and we are going to celebrate this coming weekend. Hopefully, I'll be ready to do this for them if not for him.
Like LH said, don't beat yourself up over this. We need to accept that this is part of our healing. You are doing so well and your H is working very hard to understand how he could have done this to you and your girls.
I'll be checking in all day so if you need to talk, I'll be around.
Hugs to you and to all who are having tough times.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks FNF - I get the whole wave thing. And they are at least APART now as opposed to constant but I am still surprised when they crash in. Maybe I am a slow learner.

I felt so cheated not to have had a H whose qualities included integrity, honesty, commitment, devotion and overall goodness.

I can so relate to this. I feel this way. Many days I wonder what it would be like to die knowing that your spouse always cherished you. We will never know.

The worst part is that a lot of people STILL think he IS that guy. Those that we have told CANNOT BELIEVE he was capable of what he did. So I feel like such a fake because of him. That is where the lack of self respect is coming from. Not outing him to the world and dumping his sorry ass. But that would crush the kids...


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
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