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User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I staying for the right reasons or because it is easier? Do I respect myself if I stay?

It's amazing how often so many of us are experiencing the same kinds of thoughts at the same time. I was having this discussion with Weepy this morning via PM's.
I had this thought over the weekend while I was walking along the beach and I shared it with my H because for some reason I had never thought of what should have been so obvious to me before.
We all struggle to answer the question, why am I staying. I know I've said in the past that it is because I want to keep my family together. That is what I believed was the main reason for staying and that is a large part of why I have. But after a lot of thought this vacation, I really thing the #1 reason I have stayed is because of my emotional attachment to my H. You see, I would still have my family together, just my H would be missing from the picture but that really isn't something new because he never was much a part of our family activities - always was finding excuses to be away from us.

Secondly, financially I would be fine. I have my own $ as a result of the property settlement I had an attorney draw up following d-day and I have kept that in my name ever since (even though my H has tried to put it back into a joint account). You know that is never going to happen.
I also have very strong family and friend ties so I have lots of support to count on. So basically, I feel that if the situation ever became intolerable I would have the things in place that I need in order to move on.
The one thing that I have not be able to do is to separate myself emotionally from my H.
I have been emotionally bonded to my H for 35 years. We have built a home together, a family together and a life together and I cannot see myself emotionally withdrawing from that bond very easily. There are so many times I start a conversation with, My H and I, and I have really been paying attention to the # of times I refer to him in general conversation and it surprises me every time.
I think that if I ever find myself in the situation of having to D him, the emotional detachment will be the main area of C'ing that I will have to focus on.
I am independent in practically every other way.
Sex on the other hand might be a problem because I don't want to find another man at this stage. I love my freedom and I certainly don't want to find out that I have latched myself to another guy with a whole new set of issues. Thanks but no fucking thanks!
So there it is for me. Probably so self-evident for some but for me it was a light bulb moment.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF - that is exactly it. All of it. I started copying lines of your post to respond to and realized I would have had your entire thought process in quotes!!!

How do you come to terms with it? For me, it makes me feel weak and then I don't respect myself. In a weird way, it would be easier if he wasn't as remorseful, if he was violating boundaries, etc because the choice would be clear.

Yeh, and the sex thing is an issue!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I took a half a xanax. I have only done that one other time since dday. He left for school. Books and all. He did write his paper but the keylogger also shows that he emaled it to her. I called a friend to watch the kids and she may be able to in a little bit but not right this second. I printed out directions to her house. I don't know where else to look. Well, I kow a few places. There s just no other indication at all of anything amiss. And he is not all that clever. No calls, no emails from work or home. He didn't even bother deleting the ones form his professor. I am at a loss. No viagra missing.

I don't even know what to do or say. I don't know if I can even stand to hear an answer and then wonder forever if it is true. I am debating baout just saying nothing. Tomorrow we go to Hershey Park. i don't wat it ruined. Tomorrow is my birthday. i don't want it ruined. I suspect for me it will all be ruined anyway.

I don't understand. Nothing this whole time and then onebig fat lie. That makes no sense. He has plenty of itme to meet up or do whatever when i am at work and kids at school. It makes no sense. He told the professor Thursday tat hisgrandfather died.

I am sick.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My friend can't watch them yet. The only one IRL who knows is down the beach on vacation.

I cannot take this.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((So Lost))))

I am here to help in any way I can. Can you put the kids in the car and drive by or is it too far? I wish I was nearby I would come stay with the kids.

((((((((So Lost)))))))))


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's close but they have no idea and are old enough to ask a million questions. Plus, what if he were to be at her house and I haev the kids with me? Can't do it. I don't think he's there. I don't knwo, maybe I'm wrong but I think there woudl be some other clue.

I just don't know and I can't stand this. Happy Birthday to me.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you call him? You know the "Honey, can you pick up some bread?" Or better yet, let's all go out to dinner to celebrate you finishing up at school?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's been gone 3 hours. I went to her house. First time I've been there. It's a piece of crap. No car. Hard to tell if she was home or not but he was not there. Went to the couple of bar/restaurants they frequented and a couple other places I thought he might be. Nothing.

What do I do?? Do I say I know you weren't at school, where were you? Do I leave it be and see what happens and keep watching very carefully?? I am at such a loss.

There could be a logical explanation (whatever the hell that would be) or there could be a heartbreaking explanation.

I feel like I am just dying inside. Literally dying. Maybe I shoudl take nther xanax. But I ned to feel this. I need to feel what he is doing to me.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoLost - What an awful situation to be in. I can't imagine what he might be doing considering the fact that you have proof that he did not intend to go to class tonight. Could he be out shopping for a birthday gift for you? Is that possible? You said your birthday is tomorrow and you have plans. Maybe he wanted to make it very special.
I read your profile and saw that following d-day he came clean fairly quickly. If he did go somewhere else, or god forbid did decide to meet up with the OW, possibly he would want to come clean again. I would definitely need to confront him if he pretends to have attended class. If you tell him you know he didn't because of the e-mail, he might figure out that you have a keylogger and then you would not have that advantage.
I would not take another Xanax as you need to have all your wits about you when he gets home.
I wish there was something I could do but for now I'll just keep checking up on you and hoping for the best.
(((SL)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you come to terms with it? For me, it makes me feel weak and then I don't respect myself

I think one of the things that has helped me in this area initially is that I truly believed that I had to give myself the time to see if I could make my M work. I knew that if I did not give my M a try, I might regret that for the rest of my life. Now that I am 2 1/2 years out and still here, I think the main reason I don't feel bad about myself and my decision to continue to stay is because, for the most part, my H is really trying and we are both putting a lot of effort into making our M better. When my H reverts back to his old behavior, is irritable, snaps at me, is sarcastic and verbally offensive then I have a lot of trouble rationalizing my decision to stay. That is when I crash and start to talk about leaving. That is what happened this past week. My H has a lot of trouble with self-control, anger, aggression and language and when he starts to slip all of these behaviors surface and make me wonder why the hell I'm still here. Although this is not frequent, it does surface more often than I am happy to admit so in answer to your question, this would be the time when I feel my self-respect is compromised. When things are good between us and he is remorseful and attentive and tender I am so happy I have decided to hang in there. I know that I could not take constant disrespect because even when it is a brief episode I am so ready to bolt. I know this answer is confusing, it is to me too but that's the way it is for me at this time.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 7:59 PM, June 16th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it would be easier if he wasn't as remorseful, if he was violating boundaries, etc because the choice would be clear.

No shirley, it doesn't make the choice any easier. My H has broken #3 requirement, #2 (sort of) and is verging on blowing off #1. In the "book" that should be it, but for me it depends on when the contact is made, if it's made. I have no proof that it has yet. And do I end 30 years over a phone call that he's made a point of blocking his number so they can't contact him? I know he just wants to know how the brother is, and then it will be over... until he dies of course.

SoLost, Are you still up honey? Have you called him? Asked him if he wants to go out for ice cream or something after class?

I dont' know why they lie about such stupid things. I think it gives them a sense of "power and control" over their lives. As of this moment, he hasn't actually lied to your face right? Can you tell him you got a friend to watch the kids and drove up to meet him? Can you call and tell him you're on your way? See what happens? If he says he was at school, tell him you know he wasnt and what's going on.

Unbelievable.

My H has erased the phone number from his called list. That's fine with me.

And for the good news, I got an interview Thursday, just for a part time position, but at least I got past the "send in your resume and we'll call you" stage. Not sure if I want the job, it involves some travel into the city and you guys know how I feel about that.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Came home with a story about class cancelled early and he still has to do his presentation. Saw I was upset I finally said So you went to class? He said no, actually, I emailed my prof on Thursday b/c I knew I wanted to go shopping tonight for your birthday. Do you want me to show you all the stuff I got you? Irritated with me. We haven't really talked since, but I feel it coming.

So he came clean with the lie right away after making up a stupid lie and says he was shopping for 3 1/2 hours. I saw the key lime pie (my favorite) in the garage fridge but not sure what else he got. The kids said they got stuff for me today while I was at work. I don't know. I guess we'll talk at some point and I'll see what he spent all that time buying tomorrow.

I feel so emotionally apathetic at this point. Just emotionally exhausted. I don't even know what to feel. Am I being an idiot even thinking of talking about this with him? Is there nay chance he's telling the truth??


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:00 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me first today? Hi everyone, just read up on the weekend postings. Now back home and over what could have been a truly stressed out weekend. But was okay.

SoLost. The rules are simple. No lies. Not even white lies. No big surprises hiding behind lies. Openness and honesty at all times. If he is not going to class b/c he wants to go shopping or arrange something for your bíday, he should say beforehand. Just say ďIím not going to class, I want to get you something, donít worry about where I might be or what Iím doing. Iíll have my phone on.Ē Easy. It doesnít matter that itís something for you, he still has to tell you.

As of this moment, he hasn't actually lied to your face right?

And that is simply lying by omission, so not permitted either.
And yes, you should go over these issues with him.

Have a very Happy Birthday, shelve all those negative feelings, enjoy the day b/c today is all about YOU! (((((SoL)))))

[This message edited by UKgirl at 5:30 AM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Donít you just hate it when the computer freezes up and you lose your post? Grrr! Yes, LostH, we had a lovely time in London with the Oldies. Although the hotel was a trigger I tried (and did quite well) to keep things down. Of course the hotels H took OW to were posher with golf courses and spas and stuff instead of the very good but more basic Thistle we went to. Saturday night was a pleasant dinner in an Italian in theatreland. Early Sunday morning we did a trial stroll down to Embankment to see how long to allow the Oldies to get to the river cruise luncheon. On the way back, as we were walking through Trafalgar Sq, H stopped and said he wanted to formally apologise for what he had done and that he had made some bad choices for which he was so very sorry. I guess that was in the ebook! Anyway, I just said thank you, but I think it was an important moment for him. The cruise was great, a little rest for the Oldies watching the street entertainment on the south embankment while H and I collected the fast track tickets for the Eye. That went down very well too. My parents took a taxi and H, I and the ILís called in for a pint on the way back. Nooooo mention of the A or asking in that loaded way how I was doing. A snack in Leics Sq that night. A relaxed start to Monday before we went out separate ways.

DS2 rang from Oz to say happy fatherís day to H and then spoke to each gíparent in turn. My Dad pointed out the ornamental gardens where he asked my Mum to marry him and my mum pointed out where she got her bag snatched with her wages in it when she was 17 It was a very nostalgic weekend for them. Could have done without a certain Mr G Bush visiting though, and causing traffic chaos!

LostH, Iím so pleased you had a good w/end too! Occasionally, I do wish we lived nearer London cos I do miss it when Iíve been back there. I threw out some firebombs from the train on the way back. Those two stations where he never took a train from to go to a meeting in London ÖÖ.

Shirley, thanks for the DL link. The Truth. They just donít get it, do they? SoL, I hope you read it too.

Thanks for all your concerns. I am okay. The wheels havenít fallen off Ė yet.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you want me to show you all the stuff I got you? Irritated with me.

SL - I had to address this statement. It is something that my H and I often struggle with. I just don't understand how they can get irritated over our suspicions when our trust has been so severely violated. Do they really think we believe one word that comes out of their mouths, especially when caught in the middle of a lie? Don't let him act the victim here when you discuss this. I remind my H every time this happens that it will be a very long time before he wins my trust back and that he has only himself to blame for my lack of trust.
On a more positive note, I do think it is possible that he went shopping for you. After all, you already found the pie (your favorite)that he bought for your birthday. So hopefully he has more wonderful surprises for you today.
I do agree with UKG that he should have told you his plans so that you were not put into this position. I can see why he would want to surprise you but he has to understand that any omission of truth or blantant lie that you discover sets back your ability to trust him and building trust is the most important thing right now.
Wishing you a wonderful birthday!
(((SL)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoLost:

I have no way of telling whether your husband is telling you the whole truth, and unfortunately, neither do you.

If I were you, I would start the day by having a very calm discussion that lays out some ground rules for your relationship, the primary one being no lies, no secrets, not even benign ones. And no surprises. That may change at some point in the future, but not right now. If he gets pissy about it, tell him that honesty and openness will make you happier than 5000 pies.

Have the conversation first thing and clear the air so that you can enjoy your birthday. OK? Don't let it fester or sit and cast a pall over the day.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Lost - I agree with BT. Try to use this as an opportunity to clarify exactly how important complete transparency is to you. Your trust has been shattered and needs to be rebuilt. Any dissimilation at all will undermine that process. And, as FNF said, don't allow him to be snarky or shift it back on you. Just be almost business-like in your demeanor that this is not negotiable, it is what you must have in order to rebuild.

FNF - thank you again for your insight.

I knew that if I did not give my M a try, I might regret that for the rest of my life.

I know this to be true for me (and probably for all of us here) as well. And, so far my H has not reverted to old behaviors but he hasn't had as much time to get comfortable again. I need to continue to consider this self-respect issue because it is definitely not something I can sweep under the rug. It will eat at me if I don't address it properly.

FNF =

My H has a lot of trouble with self-control, anger, aggression and language

is your H still in IC? I ask because my H has learned that his anger was a mask for all the other feelings that he either couldn't or wouldn't recognize. When he was sad = anger. When he was afraid = anger. When he felt low self-esteem = anger. Etc. Etc. Etc. Now he is trying to stop and recognize what the real feeling is behind the anger and deal with it rather than lashing out or blaming others. Just a thought.

Happy Birthday So Lost - I hope it turns out wonderfully for you.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HS - we both stopped C'ing - M and IC'ing - in December. He felt he figured out his issues - it was all his mother's fault and we seemed to be at a standstill in MC'ing because he didn't feel the need to delve any further and kept telling me and our C that he thought things were going great. I, on the other hand, felt like I kept repeating the same thing and got tired of hearing myself going over the same issues, tring to make sense of something that will never make sense to me. KWIM???
I have thought about going back, especially when I'm in a down period, but since most of my recent dark periods are because of his reverting back to old behaviors, I feel I'm not going to get anywhere until he does something to address this. Does this sound like a copout?
I guess I just felt that we weren't making any progress in C'ing and couldn't justify spending so much time and money on it.
We had a great C, but even he said that he could only reach my H so far and then my H shut him out. Mostly, he felt that he could help me cope or manage my reaction to my H since we both agreed he was not very interested in intense therapy.
We had a bit of a falling out last week that had to do with his language. While we were on vacation, he decided to go on a fishing trip and took our SIL along. When my SIL returned he told my D that my H had been unbelievably crude all day, dropping the F word and cracking jokes about women referring to them as pussies and c---s. I was beyond upset when my D came to me and told me. She was very upset too and embarrassed that my H would have behaved this way in front of her H.
I have repeatedly told him that none of us appreciate his humor and we had a terrible day on Saturday with me trying to get through to him how inappropriate this was and how it demonstrated his general disrespect and disdain for women. I told him that I thought it showed our SIL how little respect he had and this was a reflection on his feelings for me and our D's that he would speak this way in front of him and his friends. I told him that I do not go around referring to men as (forgive my language here) pricks and cocksuckers and I didn't appreciate him referring to women as - well you know.
He was so overly defensive and it was a full 24 hrs. before we could even be civil with one another. This has been a battle my entire married life. His family has always been very crude and he has one aunt who is so crude no one in the family can stand to be around her. I asked if that was how he wanted us to feel about him. He still doesn't get it. "It was just a joke." "I didn't realize SIL was such a tattletale that he had to run home to D and rat on his FIL." I was furious. I had to stop talking to him at that point.
So, aren't you glad you asked???


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, he might think he doesn't need Cing but if he insist upon referring to all women (especially if he has daughter for god's sake) in those terms, I would suggest he might have "some issues".

I am impressed at how well you handled it. I don't know what I would have done in that situation. Especially as it is apparently now all the SIL fault for snitching on him.

We just got back from MC and I think she finally saw the impasse in our situation. I may go see her individually a few times. Basically, I think it comes down to my ability to "understand" on a logical level what in my H's background, childhood, etc allowed him to make all the poor choices he did, to compartmentalize it away and to believe it wouldn't affect his life (or I guess mine). What I don't think I see a way past is my self-judgement.

I have always been harder on myself than I needed to. I judge myself harshly. In this case, what MC realized today is that the waves of darkness and pain come when I let myself closer to my H again. It is like I am punishing myself for allowing myself to try. I wish one of me would decide which one is right. I don't know if that makes any sense at all but she sees us currently stuck in this place where I let him get a little close and then am overtaken by pain and self doubt for doing so. Other than that all is peachy!!!

ETA: we might be "full" soon...anybody thought about where we might be when the cruise ship docks???

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 1:20 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if that makes any sense at all but she sees us currently stuck in this place where I let him get a little close and then am overtaken by pain and self doubt for doing so.

I was thinking earlier today about this whole topic of why we stay (more like all week ) and what effect it has on our self-esteem. One thing that comes to mind is our thinking process before our own d-days. Let's admit it. How many times did we hear of a friend or family member who discovered their S's A and we questionned their decision to stay. I can tell you I have many examples of this prior to d-day. I'll give you two examples that stand out. My H's best friend was involved in a LTA with a co-worker (sound familiar) that lasted over 15 years. His wife included her in every function we attended. As far as I knew, she was aware of their relationship and yet she continued to keep this OW in their life. I was very judgmental about this - thought she was crazy and could not imagine why she allowed herself to be used like this. She was absolutely miserable all the time. I had never met a more unhappy person in my life. They are still together today and fortunately, we do not socialize with them anymore - I couldn't deal with their obvious hatred of each other.
Another friend of my H was married to a woman who was extremely intelligent, a lawyer, and a blue blood. One problem, she was excessively overweight. She was funny, smart, classy had every quality that any decent man could hope for in a wife. Not him. He had multiple A's one after another with "models" and we learned that she had caught him in at least one of his A's. He was always boasting to my H about his A's. They too are still together.
Sorry for the long-winded story. The point is, each time I questionned the wife's decision to stay. Thought she had to be out of her mind. I thought I understood why they stayed though and figured that the first one must have stayed because she had 5 children and hadn't worked in years and was financially dependent on her H. The second, obviously to me , must have been insecure because of her weight. Now, I am ashamed that I even tried to judge them or claim to understand how they could have stayed in their M's.
My point is, I have judged others, questionned others, in the past. I've had several other friends who have dealt with infidelity but never thought it would strike me. Now that it has, I have turned that judgement and doubt on myself. I think this might be the same in your case. Think about it. If a friend came to you before your d-day and told you your story as her own and asked what you thought she should do, how do think you would answer her. I know what I would say if a friend came to me and told me that her H of 32 years had been cheating on her for 8 years with a friend of hers. I would have told her to kick his sorry ass to the curb, especially if she had grown children who supported her, was financially independent and had lots of family and friends for support. (That's me btw )
Yet here I am.
Even if we didn't tell that friend to leave and tried to just be there for them we would walk away and wonder why they were staying. How can we not do this to ourselves. The self-doubt comes from years of believing what we would do if we discovered our H's were involved with another woman. But do we do that? Nope, we stay and do exactly what we swore we would never do. Is it any wonder we are filled with self-doubt and confusion. If we didn't respect others decision to stay, doesn't it seem only natural that we are having trouble respecting our own decision to stay and struggling every day to answer that for ourselves.
This is MHO for what it's worth.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
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