Am I staying for the right reasons or because it is easier? Do I respect myself if I stay?
How do you come to terms with it? For me, it makes me feel weak and then I don't respect myself. In a weird way, it would be easier if he wasn't as remorseful, if he was violating boundaries, etc because the choice would be clear.
Yeh, and the sex thing is an issue!!
I don't even know what to do or say. I don't know if I can even stand to hear an answer and then wonder forever if it is true. I am debating baout just saying nothing. Tomorrow we go to Hershey Park. i don't wat it ruined. Tomorrow is my birthday. i don't want it ruined. I suspect for me it will all be ruined anyway.
I don't understand. Nothing this whole time and then onebig fat lie. That makes no sense. He has plenty of itme to meet up or do whatever when i am at work and kids at school. It makes no sense. He told the professor Thursday tat hisgrandfather died.
I am sick.
I cannot take this.
I am here to help in any way I can. Can you put the kids in the car and drive by or is it too far? I wish I was nearby I would come stay with the kids.
I just don't know and I can't stand this. Happy Birthday to me.
What do I do?? Do I say I know you weren't at school, where were you? Do I leave it be and see what happens and keep watching very carefully?? I am at such a loss.
There could be a logical explanation (whatever the hell that would be) or there could be a heartbreaking explanation.
I feel like I am just dying inside. Literally dying. Maybe I shoudl take nther xanax. But I ned to feel this. I need to feel what he is doing to me.
How do you come to terms with it? For me, it makes me feel weak and then I don't respect myself
[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 7:59 PM, June 16th (Monday)]
it would be easier if he wasn't as remorseful, if he was violating boundaries, etc because the choice would be clear.
No shirley, it doesn't make the choice any easier. My H has broken #3 requirement, #2 (sort of) and is verging on blowing off #1. In the "book" that should be it, but for me it depends on when the contact is made, if it's made. I have no proof that it has yet. And do I end 30 years over a phone call that he's made a point of blocking his number so they can't contact him? I know he just wants to know how the brother is, and then it will be over... until he dies of course.
SoLost, Are you still up honey? Have you called him? Asked him if he wants to go out for ice cream or something after class?
I dont' know why they lie about such stupid things. I think it gives them a sense of "power and control" over their lives. As of this moment, he hasn't actually lied to your face right? Can you tell him you got a friend to watch the kids and drove up to meet him? Can you call and tell him you're on your way? See what happens? If he says he was at school, tell him you know he wasnt and what's going on.
My H has erased the phone number from his called list. That's fine with me.
And for the good news, I got an interview Thursday, just for a part time position, but at least I got past the "send in your resume and we'll call you" stage. Not sure if I want the job, it involves some travel into the city and you guys know how I feel about that.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
So he came clean with the lie right away after making up a stupid lie and says he was shopping for 3 1/2 hours. I saw the key lime pie (my favorite) in the garage fridge but not sure what else he got. The kids said they got stuff for me today while I was at work. I don't know. I guess we'll talk at some point and I'll see what he spent all that time buying tomorrow.
I feel so emotionally apathetic at this point. Just emotionally exhausted. I don't even know what to feel. Am I being an idiot even thinking of talking about this with him? Is there nay chance he's telling the truth??
SoLost. The rules are simple. No lies. Not even white lies. No big surprises hiding behind lies. Openness and honesty at all times. If he is not going to class b/c he wants to go shopping or arrange something for your bíday, he should say beforehand. Just say ďIím not going to class, I want to get you something, donít worry about where I might be or what Iím doing. Iíll have my phone on.Ē Easy. It doesnít matter that itís something for you, he still has to tell you.
As of this moment, he hasn't actually lied to your face right?
Have a very Happy Birthday, shelve all those negative feelings, enjoy the day b/c today is all about YOU! (((((SoL)))))
[This message edited by UKgirl at 5:30 AM, June 17th (Tuesday)]
DS2 rang from Oz to say happy fatherís day to H and then spoke to each gíparent in turn. My Dad pointed out the ornamental gardens where he asked my Mum to marry him and my mum pointed out where she got her bag snatched with her wages in it when she was 17 It was a very nostalgic weekend for them. Could have done without a certain Mr G Bush visiting though, and causing traffic chaos!
LostH, Iím so pleased you had a good w/end too! Occasionally, I do wish we lived nearer London cos I do miss it when Iíve been back there. I threw out some firebombs from the train on the way back. Those two stations where he never took a train from to go to a meeting in London ÖÖ.
Shirley, thanks for the DL link. The Truth. They just donít get it, do they? SoL, I hope you read it too.
Thanks for all your concerns. I am okay. The wheels havenít fallen off Ė yet.
Do you want me to show you all the stuff I got you? Irritated with me.
I have no way of telling whether your husband is telling you the whole truth, and unfortunately, neither do you.
If I were you, I would start the day by having a very calm discussion that lays out some ground rules for your relationship, the primary one being no lies, no secrets, not even benign ones. And no surprises. That may change at some point in the future, but not right now. If he gets pissy about it, tell him that honesty and openness will make you happier than 5000 pies.
Have the conversation first thing and clear the air so that you can enjoy your birthday. OK? Don't let it fester or sit and cast a pall over the day.
FNF - thank you again for your insight.
I knew that if I did not give my M a try, I might regret that for the rest of my life.
I know this to be true for me (and probably for all of us here) as well. And, so far my H has not reverted to old behaviors but he hasn't had as much time to get comfortable again. I need to continue to consider this self-respect issue because it is definitely not something I can sweep under the rug. It will eat at me if I don't address it properly.
My H has a lot of trouble with self-control, anger, aggression and language
is your H still in IC? I ask because my H has learned that his anger was a mask for all the other feelings that he either couldn't or wouldn't recognize. When he was sad = anger. When he was afraid = anger. When he felt low self-esteem = anger. Etc. Etc. Etc. Now he is trying to stop and recognize what the real feeling is behind the anger and deal with it rather than lashing out or blaming others. Just a thought.
Happy Birthday So Lost - I hope it turns out wonderfully for you.
Well, he might think he doesn't need Cing but if he insist upon referring to all women (especially if he has daughter for god's sake) in those terms, I would suggest he might have "some issues".
I am impressed at how well you handled it. I don't know what I would have done in that situation. Especially as it is apparently now all the SIL fault for snitching on him.
We just got back from MC and I think she finally saw the impasse in our situation. I may go see her individually a few times. Basically, I think it comes down to my ability to "understand" on a logical level what in my H's background, childhood, etc allowed him to make all the poor choices he did, to compartmentalize it away and to believe it wouldn't affect his life (or I guess mine). What I don't think I see a way past is my self-judgement.
I have always been harder on myself than I needed to. I judge myself harshly. In this case, what MC realized today is that the waves of darkness and pain come when I let myself closer to my H again. It is like I am punishing myself for allowing myself to try. I wish one of me would decide which one is right. I don't know if that makes any sense at all but she sees us currently stuck in this place where I let him get a little close and then am overtaken by pain and self doubt for doing so. Other than that all is peachy!!!
ETA: we might be "full" soon...anybody thought about where we might be when the cruise ship docks???
[This message edited by hurtshirley at 1:20 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]
I don't know if that makes any sense at all but she sees us currently stuck in this place where I let him get a little close and then am overtaken by pain and self doubt for doing so.