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User Topic: N.P.D. Thread part VI
Cheerfull_1
Member
Member # 18219
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wounded-
He was mad at me & Ds for not having pencils for homework. I had told him earlier in a text that I was taking care of it. STBX SIL sent him home with pencils THEY had so he could complete homework. FYI: Homework is usually done in 1 day due to this crazy schedule DS unfortunately has to live & so he can have 1 on 1 time without obligation. STBX has NEVER in the last year done homework with DS. Sad isn't it?


BS(me)-32
STBX(him)-32
DS- 9
1 Mo EA turned PA.

D-day 12/06/07,day b4 b-day admitted 2 wk EA.

Success is failure turned inside out.
"Illusion never changed into something real." Torn - Natalie Imbrulia.
Divored n Feb 09


Posts: 378 | Registered: Feb 2008
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex was a nutcase through the whole thing too. My ex left with a van load of stuff to live in a rented room (god knows where he put it all). He was under a protection order shortly after than because of his abuse of the kids. He then refused to take anything saying he had no place to put it. In the meantime I was expected to do all the house renovations to bring the house up to safety and code since he left all kinds of renovations 1/2 done and the house was short of unlivable with holes in walls and ceiling (I still have work to finish almost 5 years down the road). The Child protection was breathing down my neck with it all so I finally told him that he takes his 1/2 then or he gets nothing. He had no choice but to agree. With the protection order he was not allowed in the house but he would stalk the house and come in when I was not home and take what he wanted. I finally changed the lock after the police said that with his actions (harrassing me, violating the court order and threatening to kill me in email) they would not have an issue with the lock being changed.

2 days after christmas 2003 he came and got more than 1/2 of the contents of the house. I gave him 1/2 of everything and then added stuff I didn't want or crap that was his. He had all kinds of garbage so I boxes it as well and he figured it out and started tossing some of it all over the yard. It was crazy.

Even though I had something like 7 printed pages of stuff in 10 pitch that he took he wanted more. During the divorce he kept asking the judge to let him some in the house (2 yrs after he had moved) to see if there was anything else that is his. When he left before he trashed the house getting his things. For example he unloaded the whole master bedroom closet and stepped all over my clothes damaging some of my nice clothes. He dumped out boxes and left them unended when he had dumped them. It took me a good week just to clean up. I had to fight pretty hard to keep him from doing it all to me and the kids again. The judge finally told me to take pictures of the 4 corners of all the rooms and give the pictures to him and let him see if there is anything else he thought was his. Funny he never found anything else. He did come back last fall demanding things again. He was certain that I had some assets he says his lawyer told him he would get in the divorce. He figures because he got a tax deduction for the assets he put in my name he owned the asset as well. I told him to take me to court and he stood in my hall for 15 minutes flipping in front of the kids. We all went about our business like he was not there.

Yup some of these guys are certifiable. They tell us to let go but it is really then that can't let go.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is unbelievable how far some of these lunatics will go to maintain control. Lied, I think you and I were going through our messes at about the same time.

Looking back, I think I was so shell shocked over what the reality of my situation was, I could barely function. My entire marriage had been a lie. He had more OW's than he knew what to do with. All which he denied. One OW had come to our door with her OC which she claimed to be his. He lied and said she was a crazy woman. (The child was later proved to be his with DNA) At the same time, H was drinking, lying, abusive, staying out late, blaming me for everything because I was asking what was wrong, asking about these OW's. I must be "paranoid" and needed to see someone about my "condition."

If I had to do it all over again, I would not have been so nice and tippy-toed around everything trying not to make him mad. I would have gotten the protection order much earlier and fought HARD in the beginning of the divorce instead of at the end. I would have gone hard total NC right from the beginning. I would have saved myself much heartache and money from attorney fees had I done so.

I guess like many of us, I just couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that he could be so cold and so cruel. I kept thinking that I was somehow going to reason with this lunatic.

The best advice I can offer any of you in your early days of divorcing your N's is to get the best attorney money can buy, go TOTAL NC. Let your attorney deal with him. Do not speak to him EVER. Email only about the kids. If he tried to bait you into other topics of conversation, IGNORE him/her. Do not go anywhere or allow your N into your home where you are alone with your him/her.
Then DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I was in the same hell as you because I remember reading your posts and shaking my head. In my case the ex already had pissed off the police and I guess out laws are such that they would have charged him had he gone any further. I think the fact that I have kids, already spent time in a shelter because of his abuse of the kids and had Child protection involved the police were able to frighten him enough to get him to atleast stay away most of the time.

The other day my son's call to his father's cell was not answered and late he told son that it was because he was too busy doing laundry to answer. It is beyond pathetic that his stinking underwear are more important than his own son having a meltdown because of his father's actions. He doesn't deserve my boys for sons.

My oldest were talking last night about the wedding and my son said he doesn't think it will last. I asked him why and he said that with the way his father will hit the fiance and go off the deep end he thinks she will eventually wise up. He told me that seeing his father slap the fiance across the face like he did made him really upset. Up until that point I had no idea how he had hit her. I thought he had hit her on the arm. He hit her across the face.

The whole situation still leaves me a bit shocked to think I lived through all that I did but I can see now that it really could have been so very much worse.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think No Contact is the only way to go with these folks. Tough for those of us that have kids. But, the less contact, the better one feels.
I never knew people like this existed. Just thought of them as assholes.
My world was pretty much turned upside down . My credit was ruined and she ran up massive debt. The affairs damaged my self esteem as did the verbal and emotional abuse. There truly is evil in them and they do not give a shit about anyone but themselves.
I can spot these folks better , now( I hope).

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lied2,
Aren't you amazed that the OW is going to marry him after he had been abusing her? Unbelievable.

Where do these women come from? They destroy marriages and families and then somehow think that they are going to be special. It's all the same. The only thing that changes in the life of an N is the characters.

The OW in my case helped my XNPDH vandalize my home, etc. She helped him fight me, lie for him, I could go on and on. Now they are married and he is doing the same to her.

Big surprise?? I think not.

What's the old saying? The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I think STBXH Asshole must have gotten a talking to from his attorney finally. My attorney was going to "let opposing know what their client is up to" on Monday following the incident where I had to call the police on him on Saturday. They also should have received the paperwork for the temp order hearing with my declaration. Needless to say, it is not very complimentary toward him.

He didn't email me yesterday to continue *our* negotitation about the grill that he wants to "take" (from my backyard). So I thought maybe he didn't go into work. Then when I picked up the kids at his apartment after work last night, he didn't even cross the street. And today no email yet either. Wow, this No Contact thing is great! It's creepy though. Too quiet. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's terrible how we've been trained to be on guard like this all the time.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex's fiance is all shocked that I won't let the kids see their father without having the home phone number. The number is unlisted (her last one wasn't) and it is in her name. The question is why is she scared of me? What kind os lies has he told her about me. She wants my kids to not tell me her last name and email address. (funny since she is on facebook, sent a request for my son to add her and the 2 of them had a great big old laugh that I used to work with her ex fiance). With all that going on how can I not know her name, email and a whole bunch more about her?

The ex so totally against me having the number that he would rather the kids didn't attend the wedding than give it to us. I am sure he will make it all about me being a bitch when people ask.

It is all some kind if sick game. I mean their lives must be pretty boring if they need to play stupid games like this with my kids. Delusion, brain damaged, psycho???? All of the above?

NC is the only option. Anything else will drive a person insane.

[This message edited by lied2 at 4:43 PM, May 1st (Thursday)]


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey, where the hell else can i weep?

You love me with a knife.
I donít understand it
(bleeding)
thrusted chunk the steel burns and
buries deep
I thought you were my wife.
Dying inside
I
Stem the flow?
or
NO!
Watch it go?

Snake slitherer
Time ditherer

What thinks the mind?
As barely beholding the wound and shame
sanguine surprise
not kind
yet
the gift you rejected?
the dying
I die
(without fear)
the fear in your life will be so near
without your knowing
sadly
dear.


Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((jjct)))

Thanks for sharing your words. I have been inspired by your poetry and others on SI. I am no poet. I haven't written a poem probably since the last time I forced to in high school English - a couple years ago. Yeah.

Yesterday, on the way to work, I began composing this in my head. It stayed with me all day. I jotted things down on random slips of paper as the phrases came to me. Here is the beginning. It is therapeutic to write it, but a little triggery to read it. I am no poet, but here is the start of my poem:


How you are able to do this,
I'll never know.
That mask you hold tight,
Never letting the real you show.

The Mask.
The one with the wit and the charm.
The Real You.
The one doing all of the harm.

You became sarcastic and distant.
Not one thing could I do right.
Others begin sensing that things were different.
But I was too worn down to put up a fight.

It was in the summer that I knew.
I was paralyzed with fear.
I had no real idea what to do.
I only knew the end was near.

She was to me just like a sister.
Now, turned damsel-in-distress,
You, apparently, could not resist her.
The Real You began to scheme and obsess.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((wounded))))

i noticed the first lines were saying the same thing in each...

yours is unfinished

maybe mine is too...

hugs to (((((ALL)))))


Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the gift you rejected?

They'll never really "know" what they've destroyed and lost forever, will they? They can't because they don't feel.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think they can see what they lost. I know my ex treats me like I am some kind of disease. He has never acknowledged that he lost anything.

((((tribe)))))

You are all very special people and now you have a chance to make a life for yourselves (and children) that is far better than the one youl would have had. It will just tkae more hard work and time to heal.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are all totally right. NPD's will never realize what they lost because they are so focused on themselves. It's all about them. All *we* were to them was (at the most) an adornment or some type of decoration to make THEM seem even more wonderful than they are.

To them, we were never really any more than an accessory. They can pick up another one of *those* anywhere.

I know, ouch.

But remember this is how the NPD thinks. If he/she were a real human, they would appreciate us for the GEMS we truely are.

**Did you guys see my new baby?? Pictures in F&G.**


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From jjct's poem:
sanguine surprise

Crippled
Wounded
Bleeding
Lying in a pool of sticky crimson

Again and again you return to the scene

Foolishly I think
you will help me
you will heal me
you will feel for me

Again and again I feel the searing pain of salt entering my wounds

You mock me
and turn and walk away

Again and again

Edited for clarity -- thanks, jjct!

[This message edited by woundedby2 at 4:28 PM, May 8th (Thursday)]


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
popolop
♂ Member
Member # 19068
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I think I have found a home here in the NPD thread. Like many of you, none of this really hit me until after d-day once I started to look at her actions in the past and present. Also like many of you, my first response was to believe that I did something wrong, that her leaving and me even being with her in the first place was my fault. Self-blame was a big problem in our relationship which only fueled the flames of her NPD. I was a never-ending supply of support, compliments, and guilt-bearing. Everything was my problem and everything was my fault.
After I found out about the A, she just dropped me from her life like I was some acquaintance that she saw maybe once a year. It was now all about how perfectly matched and happy she was with OM, and how our relationship was doomed from the start. Well, she is right about the doomed part, but its not for the reasons she thinks. She has never wanted to look at her A as a coping mechanism that she has used many times in the past. You see, she is what I think is called a somatic narcissist, one who uses sex to gain intimacy and begin the NS exploitation. She did it with me and she did it with every SO before me. Instead of looking at the situation in which she had the A (we were living 3000 miles apart, she just started a new job, her dad almost died), she wanted to only focus on how I was not there to communicate or support her when she needed it, as if the A was something I could have prevented if only I cared for her enough. Needless to say, this has been a source of immense frustration. As a logically-minded person, I found absolutely no sense in her behavior. I would pour over the details and explanations in my mind but only become more and more confused. I felt as if I had to be going crazy, like what she was telling me had to be true so my experience must be wrong. It was not until discovering explanations of NPD did I finally realize what was going on.
From her early childhood, the world revolved around her. She was the perfect child who could do no wrong and always received support no matter what she did. As she grew older, she started to have narcissistic rages whenever her family would do anything that was not in compliance with how she thought they should act. She would yell, scream, and fight dirty, poking at the opponents weakest spot where she knew they would feel it personally, even if the issue had nothing to do with the argument's topic. She wanted to win and hurt more than anything. During this same phase she began sleeping with boys, usually very early in the relationship. In college, she began sleeping with them on the night she met them. From 14 to now, she has never been without an SO in her life and is extremely dependent on other people performing many basic life functions for her (shopping for groceries, calling people on the phone, won't walk first into a place she has never been before). All of this with what turns out to be feigned modesty.
When we first met, she seemed very interested in me and we talked for hours and hours. She seemed like the perfect person, so sweet, intelligent, beautiful. With time, however, the monster emerged. She attempted to control what I felt, what I thought, and how my time was spent. This was enforced through tremendous rages over little things like picking her up 15 minutes late because there was traffic. As time went on, I became like the elephant born with a chain on his leg and can now be held in the same place with only a rope that he could easily detach. I was beaten. I had no will of my own for fear of more outbursts and more pain. Everything I said had to first pass through the "correctness" filter before reaching my lips.
Once we began living apart, it was only a matter of a couple months before she began sleeping with someone else. And, like clockwork, their "relationship" began with sex. It has now been over a month since d-day and I have initiated NC for my own sanity. She began calling me crying, claiming that it was for our M and what happened to it when really she needed to be consoled because OM was not acting as she wanted. If I ever contacted her for something I needed, she would never respond. She was emotionally exploiting me for her own gain even after she ended our M. I could no longer take it and finally wised up.
Now I know what she is and how she operates and can finally begin to live my own life and find myself after 7 years of being absorbed into the will of another. The one great thing about a relationship ending with an NPD is it is so much easier to detach from them. I know that she is incapable of caring. I know that I cannot fix her. And I know that there was nothing I could, or should, possibly do to keep the M alive. It never was alive. I was an appliance to be plugged in and churn out NS. Once that dropped to a level she could not live with, it was time to trade in the old one for a new model. After all, anything with supply is just as good as anything else.


Me: 28
NPDSTBXWW: 28
D-Day: 4/1/08 (April Fool's! hahaha...*cough*)
WW asked for divorce: 4/11/08

Posts: 54 | Registered: Apr 2008
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, popolop!
You'll find a lot of support here.
"incapable of caring"...sums up my N.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well said, pop. Your experience and the description of your XWW is almost a carbon copy of my own. The details are eerily similar.
You understand that you cannot understand how their minds work and that you would go crazy trying to figure her out. Their view of life and other people is just so incredibly foreign to a normal person, that sometimes we forget and try to squeeze their actions and attitudes into a rational, normal framework. It's like trying to understand Hitler's mind. We cannot accept that they are as they are and try to look at them as if they are the same species as regular folks.
These folks are so fundamentally different they bear no resemblance to a normal, decent person.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
Balancing Act
♀ Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have also posted this in JFO (meant to put it in General), but would like info from the NPD perspective...help!!??


Has anyone ever had anything like this happen??

NPDWH (STBX) has sent me emails with information about gifts he sent to a client/friend on the birth of their first grandchild, with the message to me that said, "in the event it comes up, I sent the following from both of us."

He then signed a gift card with the following:

We are so happy for you. Our guess is that you will find a few pictures that will fit in here over the years. Cap'n & Balancing Act


OK, Cap'n....uhhh....I filed for divorce in MARCH.

How dare he use my name and ask me to 'cover' for him in case it comes up...I don't think so!! How I wish they would call me to thank "us" for the gift. I'm afraid I would have to let the cat out of the bag at that point!

I am furious at him to be so fucking presumptuous as to think that I will 'save' him in this case.

I am NC with him and will not respond to this, but I am LIVID to the point of replying that he cease using MY name without my permission and certainly he will NOT ever get permission from me to use it in connection with his ever again. I want to tell him that he really probably should have put OW's name on those little gifts instead of mine.
sonofabitch! I hope he has not deluded himself to the point that he actually thinks that if I DO hear from the recipients that I won't gently alert them to the his mistake!

maybe i should send my "own" gift to them...hahaha....sign it with my maiden name maybe?

What a maroon he is...what is this game he's playing??? I know that if I do anything, he'll figure out a way to turn it around on me eventually so that I come out looking like the bad guy....shit, shit, shit......the nerve of him....

thanks....i guess i just had to rant, but would love to hear any thoughts or responses ....

[This message edited by Balancing Act at 8:26 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)]


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
Balancing Act
♀ Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((popolop))))

You seem to have a very good handle on this NPD shit...no one wants to find themselves here, but we are glad you found us.


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
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