Have any of you ever tried to R with someone who is NPD and did it work?
We spent much of the marriage in some kind of counceling. They just really don't make lasting changes. My ex spent 5 years off and on being treated by a very competent psychiatrist and the Dr finally told me to leave him because he was not going to get better. In hind sight I wish I had just stayed gone when I left the 3rd time. I would have a much better life now than I have.
If they truely have the disorder you are better off without them in your life.
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
It is what it is.
I feel for you. I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but wanted to you to know that I know what you are going through.
For me it was kind of a relief when I realized I could stop investigating...i don't need to know more...I have what I need, to do what I need to do.
Hang in there and let us know how you are doing
Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy
Much of my time has been taken up by the addition of a sweet little puppy dog to my household. The kids had been begging for a dog for years. Since STBXH has been gone, I decided that it was a good time for a dog. Something fun and sweet for the kids and I to love. Something that will only love back. It is like having a new baby in the house. I really had no idea, but so far it has been fine.
SO...would anyone care to guess how STBXH NPD Ass reacts to the news that the kids have a new puppy?
Yup, I have intentionally bought the kids a dog so that they will not want to go to his place at all now. That's it. I thought it through and decided that would seal the deal. WTF??
He also went on to berate me because only DD and I picked the dog out at the store. DS didn't want to go to the mall with us that day, and the puppy was a total impulse buy (one that I never thought I would make - pet shop dog - bad I know). He says, "I don't care. It's just not right. You forced that dog onto him." Yup, that's what I did. Of course, I spoke to DS about whether he was upset that he didn't get to pick the dog out. He said, "No" (with a "duh" look on his face.) I asked if he liked the dog, and he said, "No....I love him."
Another example of how I'm using the kids as pawns and how he should have full custody.
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
How many of you with NPDs see the same traits developing in your children?
I have a son who is almost 18 and the similarities to his NPD father are chilling.
Funny, I remember once *before* I knew, she & he would get into these horrible shouting matches. I stopped them once, saying; "You all should see yourselves - it's like you're both talking to a mirror."
Stepdaughter, who was in the room, laughed -
they just stared blankly about.
Looking back on it, it's weird that I used "mirrors".
Once, I took them (stepdaughter & stepson) to a park to have a private talk w/ them - they had been bickering, and it was during a very sensitive time - was trying not to upset their mother, and I was very clear about them having to behave themselves so as not to upset WW.
I could see it! The lightbulb went on in the daughter, she said; "I get it!"-
and she spent the rest of the time trying to explain it - even to getting in his face shouting; "Don't you get it?" several times, to her brother...
He just was completely blank...very strange.
Now, I get it.
It is chilling.
How much of the behaviour is learned? Looking at the ex's family I can see of his values and behaviours are learned and then add them to his dysfunctional thinking and inability to see beyond himself and you get a real disaster.
They are just sad people and they hurt their children and don't seem to give a crap that it does. I really have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that they are powerless over their behaviour or the damage that they di. I think on some level many of them are capable of understanding that they are doing something very wrong. Perhaps it is not in the way we understand but they can't be held blameless for their actions just because they have mental issues.
Wounded that sounds like some of the twisted games my ex plays. We have a dog and she made it very clear to him that his place in the house was not important to her. She constantly would sit in his seat, lay on his pillow, push him off the bed etc. I think she is happy he is gone.
I had a bit of fun with the
ow tonight. Listen to this and tell me what you think. Kids are at the freaks tonight as I have to work tomorrow and my washing machine has broken. So I put all of the kids clothes in a bag ready for their father (or ow ) to wash! He knocks on the door and I hand him the washing. She is in the car so I shout out to her..."....there is a load of washing here for you to do". I don't really know what came over me - ususally I don't speak to her but I must have felt like winding her up - you know sometimes when you get that spontaneous feeling!!
I said to her, still shouting down the drive, "Yeah my washing machine is broken so I thought you and the freak (obvously I did not say this!) could do it"
Do you know what her reply was? "How much shall I charge you"!!!!!!!!!!!!
I replied with " Nothing. You can just have the satisfaction of knowing my kids have clean underwear on!
I don't really know what came over me to even speak but I laughed when I came inside. I felt like an idiot for a moment and then tought I don't care what they think anyway! The thought of her washing her lover's kids underwear just makes me laugh! I guess when she was shagging my freak in country lanes she didn't realise she was signing up for laundry duty.
for some reason her face looked really pissed off as they drove off. Can't think why! Ha Ha!
Yeah its offical I'm mad if I find this funny!!
Hope everyone is doing ok.
That, was cool !!!
There is a diasgnosis of depression and bi-polar, but he has no tolerance for any world view different from his, no respect for authority, rules or laws. He is hateful to me - swearing, spitting, threatening to hit. There is no reasoning with him. It breaks my heart. His NPD father says he's "fine" and I'm "over reacting." UGH
Is DS in IC now? I have seen a lot of the defiance, hitting, destroying things, disrespect, name caling, etc from my DS13. His psychiatrist put him on Trileptal to "turn the volume down on the anger". I don't think "rages" are an uncommon reaction for boys who have been victims of NPD abuse, infidelity, divorce and everything that goes along with it.
For my DS, he was displaying this rage and anger to me because I am the "safe" one. The bulk of his anger is, of course, caused by STBXHs decision to leave our home and take up with a family friend. The betrayal and the feelings of being replaced have been hard on him.
Has your DS always been aggressive, unempathetic, etc? I'd guess that if the rage and anger are not like him historically, then it is his way of dealing with his anger - stuffing it down until it explodes out of him.
My DS has always been quite passive and very sensitive. He is diagnosed Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Social Phobia.
Are these behaviors something you have been (or could be) discussing with DS's psychiatrist or counselor? I know it's distressing seeing your children being affected like this, and while it is unlikely that your DS will be NPD (because he has a great and loving Mom), the children often experience huge psychological wounds (along with us).
[This message edited by woundedby2 at 7:56 PM, August 23rd (Saturday)]
Finding you has been a blessing that continues for me, and I just feel like I need to tell you that.
I'm learning alot about why this whole thing has been so hard.
See, what happens is I think I lost something of myself. It was a gradual process, but over the time we were together (& DDay's fallout), I've come to realize that much of the energy I invested in *us* was really about her.
How to keep her happy.
Supply her needs.
In a way, her A was a gift, a blessing - in that over the last year of months I have tried to understand how I let it happen that I just gave myself.
Sorry for the ramble, but it is on me this morning to really say thanks to you guys...
for helping me see things, and discover some part of myself that I had subsumed into the relationship. It's sad, sickness, isn't it - to have to do that to maintain *the peace*.
Kinda wonderful too, & ok! scary? I'll admit - to be *me* again.
Hey, you'd be scared if you were *me* too!
Another note - remember backaways we were talking about how N's don't know that they are N's?
So whaddya do when your N believes/states (in that *absolute way*)that they are introspective?
(other than using every ounce of control you have to keep from Laffing out LOUD!!!)
I feel that the affair was a gift also. It started me on the path to see that which was, not what was thought to be.
The gift to become BoB again, no longer a victim of the N.
I'm sorry for your fear for DS. I worry for my DDs. The best antidote for the disease of N on our children is ourselves. Be there for him through this time. It will help him so much.
I am open to any and all suggestions as to how to stop this madness. BTW, contact with STBXH is only via email and about children. I don't answer any others.
On the topic of the affair being a blessing... I'm starting to come around to that view. I held on to my marriage like a pit bull (very romantic!) and it took a cataclysmic event to shake me loose and question my reality. Life is sooooo much better without NPD SA STBX WH!
Divorcing the N is a never ending series of pointless skirmishes in a stupid war with no forseeable end and no apparent goal but perpetuating chaos and disorder. All of this instigated and propagated by the damned NPD Freak and it's minions.
It never fucking ends. LOL.
ETA: Tried to rewrite this post to be a bit more coherent. LOL.
[This message edited by bobelina at 9:01 PM, May 10th (Saturday)]