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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N.P.D. Thread part VI
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did I mention I hate that asshole?

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, Ron...just wow.

(((((huge hugs))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
marymom
♀ Member
Member # 15948
Angry  Posted: 6:54 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Ron, your STBX is an asshole! I have a son w/Downs and my STBX said some of the same things.

He should be functioniong higher, not potty trained yet, I should force him...(he's 16 and it may never happen)

yet he see's him a couple of hours on major holidays each year.

So far this year 2hrs on Easter.

NPD assholes!


Husband walked out on me and the kids with my BF 6/04. NC with me and the kids. They broke up 9/07. Filed for D 9/04. Still not done. Back together with her 10/7. Living in her Dad's basement apt.

Posts: 156 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: NW PA
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had an unpleasant exchange with the freak today. He was due to put 190 child maintainace into my account today but only put in 4o. I texted him so he could explain why this was the case. He said the child support agency said it was ok for him to pay 4o a week!
I replied politely with a list of reasons why this was unacceptable. He replied saying I needed to check my maths and that he would do it this new way because it was his choice. I replied with how I found it sad that he wants to quibble over such a small amount of money and that perhaps he should go for the father of the year award! I said I found his actions pathetic.
This is quite a big thing of me as I have not stood up to him about money. His reply? Perhaps I should go for father of the year. I asked him to only send me messages if they were to do with the kids.
Perhaps I shouldn't have made my sarcastic comment but I am sick and tired of tip-toeing around this freak. He cannot hurt,manipulate me anymore and I am sick of his poor behaviour to his kids.

What a freak - having this argument about such a small amount of money. Still, at least I am standing up to him now.

In regards to telling folk. I tell some folk absolutely noting and close friends and family everything. It works for me!


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((RON))))))

I feel for the children because they don't understand and get their whole lives turned upside down. It just blows my mind the damage that they do. When they do it to children who already have disabilities it is even more cruel.

Scorned what techniques did you use to turn the NPD traits back on him? I am curious to know.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ron, I would wonder about anyone who didn't think those things that were done to you and the kids weren't crazy. You know what you know and you are dead on right.

And that setting people up for a big letdown later (the dog) is so cruel--especially to the kids. I saw a lot of that.

I think we all need to just politely ignore the outsiders who think we should be doing something different. For example, most people think it's horrendous not to have contact with your own mother or the people who think it's so important for the children to have a relationship with their father--not so easy. And what about the abuse factor and damage to the children? We have to do what we have to do to survive.

People just don't know what we know. They don't have the information and they don't get it. Try to think that they mean well but let it go in one ear and out the other. Some people do mean well but can say really stupid and hurtful things because they haven't been there.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, anyone that knows my wife is more than willing to believe this stuff, even her family. Guess they've put up with the same thing throughout the years.
One way I was very lucky is that I got so much support and info from her family and our mutual friends.
Her dad told me she quit college her senior year(during 10 years of marriage, she told me she had a degree.) Thye found out when her college softball coach called inquiring about her whereabouts> She'd sent home fake transcripts for a year to fool her folks. She was involved with a married guy in her college town , shacked up when she was supposed to be in school.
I learned she had a sexual relationship for 2 years with her highschool soccer coach. I got this info from her family and friends. She lived with another married guy for 2 years, also, before I was on the scene. She is a classic personality disordered person and no one trusts her. I am so lucky to be out.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Out--You are right. Others don't know what we know. They have never lived in our homes or worn our shoes. They see the NPDs with their masks fully in place. All charming and fun. I'm just glad to have found you all on this thread. At least none of you doubt a word of what I have to say - and none of you think that I am crazy.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
scared&stronger
♀ Member
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jackass that I am married to ruined another Mother's Day. I really does take pleasure in seeing me hurting. And if I am not, he tries to cause pain. I pray my kids don't turn out like him


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.


Posts: 3951 | Registered: Aug 2007
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((tribe))) Just popping my head in. It's been a wonderful time in NPD land. He's having another freakout, and came home WIRED the other night. Supposedly, he was at the office all night -- and of course called me from the office -- but he was on something. And it showed.

Like many of you, that's what I get, the crazy, whacked out him. Everybody else gets the smiley, jokey him. It used to drive me crazy, but now, I could care less because I know what's behind the mask.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tribe)))
We need to have a party. We can exchange stories in person. I'll cook. JJCT and Ron, we could play the roles of the non-NPD Fucktard*Asshat Freak Male.

I've spending a little bit more time with "normal" females. It's kinda scary. You constantly wonder if they are whacked. You notice things that in the past you may not have. No, I'm not dating, just associates and such. My kids wanted to have mentors.

I'm wondering at times, "Is she BPD?" Yeah, I know, my radar is way up too much, but it is interesting to see people a bit differently. This too shall pass.

The damned Freaks have kinda made us a bit hyper-vigilant. That's OK. I go back to my Zen studies when I notice I'm tuning in too much too something that may or may not be there. It helps. Breathe. Meditate. Try to see things as they are and not thru the filter of my experience. Kinda fun in a way. It's an interesting growth.

Yes I am babbling, like a brook. LOL.

On another note:
STBXPDW seems to have agreed to a request for changes in schedules including no more overnites of DDs at her place. She hasn't responded to email, but eluded to the kids that there were changes and she met the request change last nite. Kewl.

DD13 has decided that she is going to email STBXPDW and give her a low down on the issues DD13&9 are having with STBXPDW. Interesting.

I'm so sorry that ya'll have had these NPD Freak experiences. I sometimes get triggers reading your posts and I remember going thru similar stuff. I'm so grateful that we have each other. The world is an interesting place.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sure is "interesting" Bob! I am so pissed off with the freak today. Like I fool I had expected his maintaince money so I could buy food and do something nice with the kids over the weekend. But as I said yesterday I only got 40. I know I should not bank on getting that money but I guess I got used to it as he had paid it the last five months.
My point is when I have dealings with the freak it takes me a few days to get back to normal. It always reminds me of how I used to live. How I was always on the edge etc.
It always seems that we pull ourselves forwards by the skin of out teeth and it just takes a little thing from the freak to bring it all tumbling down. I am snappy today and really agro. Logic tells me the reason why. It is so frustrating. When will he cease to have any effect upon me?

Bob - I'd love to come to the party! I'll bring the champagne to toast our survival against the odds!


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bob, I know exactly what you mean about seeing it everywhere. I thin 2 or three things account for this.
First, we are sensitized to it and maybe see things that may not be there.
But, this thing is a continuum and many folks that are not full blown have the traits. Even normal people have a low dose.
Also, the stats on prevalency are somewhat misleading. They say about 2-3% are borderline with it occurring more frequently in females. But, I don't think it is more prevalent in females. It's just that traditionally, males get labeled NPD or ASPD while women get hit with the BPD label.
It has helped me to read about this stuff and there is a large group of experts that feel NPD and BPD are really the same thing>
Since one of the big characteristics of the disorder is a refusal to look at themselves they seldom seek therapy. So, no diagnosis of many of them, and the stats are based on dx'ed cases.
Also, insurance will not cover the cost of therapy in many cases since the view is it is incurable. Hence, therapists that want to get paid dx them with something else, like Bi-polar. Some therapists make a different DX because of the stigma attached to the PD labe.
These things contribute to the artifically low stat numbers.
I've dated a bit since divorcing and I think I can see these disorders in some of the women I have met. I try to err on the side of caution and stay away if I get a hint of it. I'm sure I am overly cautious but I need to be.
Involvement with one of these types leads to a world of hurt.
Also, you throw in some of the other "cluster b" disorders, like HPD, and you have a fair number of people with a disorder.
Red flags to look for are poor job history, promiscuity, bad credit(mine sucks now. It was perfect before I married my XNPDW), bad realtionship with family of origin, chem dep issues(the incidence of disorders is five times higher in alcoholics and drug users).

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((everyone)))

It seems that the NPS are displaying their colors in full glory this week. Is it because it's Spring??

Sometimes I wonder how we are all able to survive this. I guess it shows just how strong we really are - and always have been.

Hey, Bob, I want to come to that party too! It's supposed to be over 100 degrees here in SoCal this weekend. I have a big pool - we could all go swimming and have a BBQ - oh, wait NPD took the grill last night. Someone else will have to bring a grill. Or we'll have to order pizza I have a couple bottles of wine on the kitchen counter.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Ron)))
Thanks for chiming in.

One of the things I struggle with is that I'm not perfect and I wasn't perfect.

Sometimes that throws my NPD'O'Meter into a tailspin.

I didn't have the best work history (musician), FOO issues (Mom, Dad & Brother seem to whacked, Dad and Bro diffentely NPD), so I wonder if I'm being harsh or judgemental when I look at someone else and get an idea of where their at.

STBXPDW and I had a lot of similarities in our backgrounds. Differences being I didn't get in trouble as a kid nor did I or ever have substance abuse issues. Hence my dilemma in seeing other folks. I came from a hellish background and apparently I'm not disordered. (LOL). SO it's sometimes hard to see where people are coming from. It's interesting though.

There is a quote floating around SI that I think is the real Trial by Fire:
There are two kinds of people in this world:

1. Words and Actions match

2. Words and Actions do not match

After living in this world, you can bet....I will be acutely aware of that!

I believe it was from Matches.

As many of the great teachers have taught us, people can change, grow and develop. I guess the key is to figure out if they are capable of change, growth and developement regardless of what there previous performance has been. Hmmmmmmm....

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
SCORNED
Member
Member # 6301
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scorned what techniques did you use to turn the NPD traits back on him? I am curious to know

first ....get sam vankins (sp) book ....it is the BIBLE for NPD behaviour.

When they are trying to bullshit /gaslight ....call them on it without hesitation .... " BLAMESHIFTING !" DEFLECTING!" PROJECTING!"
don't give them an explanation , just call the behaviour....they'll probably have to look it up. They will wonder what YOU have been reading or WHO you have been talking to that has clued you in on THEIR behaviour ....

which brings me to my favorite part of NPD behaviour , PARANOIA !

NPD's are well known for their paranoid thoughts ..." who is plotting aginst me? Is she /he cheating on ME?..... etc- ....all you have to do to get an NPD's mind RACING is "hint" at something , anything ....then sit back and watch their imaginations RUN WILD! ....
doing that at the appropriate moment usually gets them to back down / retreat .....it throws them "off balance".

I actually had a lot of fun with that part ! It was nice to see HIM squirm and not know what the fuck was going on , instead of me for a change. ....
I was fucking with his head and he didn't even know it.


Hang in there everyone.


"The cruelest lies are often told in silence."

Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 12165 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: southwest
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bob, you'll find that many peole in relationships with the disordered come from troubled backgrouns. My dad was a very abusive alcoholic and I was molested by an older boy at a young age. For some reason, this led to other problems but not, I hope , to a pd.
You'll see this time and again. A person with a troubled background in a relatioship with a PD. My therapist acknowledges and so do I that there is something within me that both makes me susceptible to being drawn into such a relationship and to tolerating it way too long, much longer than a healthy person. I'm sure this stems from my FOO issues. I can deal with these proclivites and learn, however. This is fixable whereas a PD is almost hopless.
If you read much about this, you'll also see that your questioning yourself and imperfections and either constituting your own PD or at least contributing to the PD's behavior is also classically common.
This is due to exposure to the PD in your spouse. These folks are very good at isolating and brainwashing. Combine that with their talent and penchant for projecting their own behaviors or the cause of them onto you and you come out really wondering about yourself. As I said, this is so common it's unbelievabel.
Also, you may see that there were times that , in response to the abuse from the PD, you acted in ways that you now regret, maybe fighting back or throwing your own insults. In the PD recovery stuff, this is commonly called "picking up fleas." Again, this is very common.
It really helped me to take a look at my past relationships and my current ones with folks that i am close with. I found that the only person that felt I was scum was my PDwife. I found that almost everyone liked me and respected me. Of course, you have to deal with the literature saying that NPD's only reveal their true selves behind closed doors. So, that can cause some doubt, as well. But, it is impossible that no one would see this in you over the long haul.
Don't focus too much on the job stability thing, particularly in your profession. Look at the other stuff. It's the accumulation of these signs.
I can say that one sure sign of your health, notwithstanding, perhaps , a tenednecy to tolerat to long,is the way your kids see you. When they are really young and pliable, they don't cause too much of a problem with a PD person. But, when they get older and do the normal age related rebellion, the PD's cannot take it. So, too, the kids will not tolerate the crap> They do not have the confusion caused by the romantic feelings. They just see the parent as irrational, unpredictable and mean. And, they stand up, particularly if they have a safe place to escape, like with you.
Check out www.bpdfamily.com You'll see lots of folks confused and dealing with doubt like yours.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ditto @ SCORNED, word for word!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Cheerfull_1
Member
Member # 18219
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a good paranoia story:

I was working Ft at his request. I worked 6 days week and was paid pretty good. During this time I had saved quite a bit of $. I was usually asked pretty often how much was in my acct. Stupid me. I told him the truth. At one point he thought I was saving for a divorce. At that time I could've afford to do such a thing. I was saving for a family emergency. I was the saver, he was the spender. Iamgine that. I worked from home so me surfing the net in my down time usually on shopping channels made him nervous. Again, something I'll never be able to rationalize. Just wanted to share.


BS(me)-32
STBX(him)-32
DS- 9
1 Mo EA turned PA.

D-day 12/06/07,day b4 b-day admitted 2 wk EA.

Success is failure turned inside out.
"Illusion never changed into something real." Torn - Natalie Imbrulia.
Divored n Feb 09


Posts: 378 | Registered: Feb 2008
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thnx for sharing, Cheerfull...I can truly see the *paranoia* clearly in N's e-mails when he types..."they" or "them". CONSTANTLY.

Wow! Pretty damned freakin' nuts!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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