what do you say when...????
an N says they're introspective?( indeed ! in that special 'way' they have lol!)
an N asks you; "How could I be illogical,
And agree with you at the same time?"
actions disagreeing, got the second one
[This message edited by jjct at 9:42 PM, May 16th (Friday)]
That BPD site is very helpful.
what do you say when...????
an N says they're introspective?
I imagined that if my ex NPD said that to me I would burst out laughing and probably fall down on the floor and roll around and then start crying when my gut hurt.
My ex told me I had no passion before he left. He doesn't even know what the word means. He was the one with no passion.
This month will mark 4 years of divorce for me. It STILL hurts a lot and I feel like a loser. I have no contact with him and no feelings (except anger) for him. So it's not him; it's the fallout from living most of my life with him. I am tired of being alone, and I really don't know how to get out and meet people. I, too, am hypervigilant when it comes to seeing NPD traits. I have taken steps to move on but it all seems to go so agonizingly slow. Shouldn't I be doing so much better by this time? What is wrong with me? I feel like part of my core is rotted.
Are you in IC?
N's can really n totally screw you up...IC has really helped ME to Recover.
D-day 12/06/07,day b4 b-day admitted 2 wk EA.
Success is failure turned inside out.
"Illusion never changed into something real." Torn - Natalie Imbrulia.
Divored n Feb 09
I'm kinda with you on another thing too, & it troubles me - the "getting out" & feeling rotten inside, or wrong...or something!
I just haven't been "right" lately - ok....for months, there, i said it.
I do ok at work, mostly, because my job is about helping other people, & i like doing that, so i'm blessed in that regard...
But out in the world, by myself...it's like i sometimes don't know how to act, (i'm thinking thinking thinking - or just trying to process what i'm hearing, seeing) and i believe im somehow "discordant" with situations.
a few months ago, i had a meeting set up with some similarly betrayed & hurting folks.
it was on the other side of town, so i drove to get there early & find it...plus, i was all nervous about meeting these folk (see? "discordant").
so here i am, about an hour before the meeting, at a restaurant, and since i hadn't been eating (the "diet"), i just decided to order something.
What happened? I find myself @ an hour later, sitting at a table with three others -
who are also there, btw, to share, heal, help, etc...(the fellowship) -
and i end up sitting there not eating with them!
What a fucking doofus!
and i called the fucking meeting!
THEN, oh here's proof of my dumbassness -
the check comes, & did his dumbassness offer to pay?
i just sat there like some idiot, some cheapass assclown, while they all dug through purses for money to pay-
(yeah, right - i was the only male in the group)
To top it all off
(my processing ability has been altered, slowed down)
- it took me months
MONTHS! to figure it out - what an asshole i came off as.
THEY sure as hell didn't want to have anything to do with me. I'm just one more fuckin weirdo in lives too full of trying to get away from weirdos!
and i sure as hell don't blame them, either.
How & why I have 'let this happen' to me, or 'become this'...thing?
I'm working on it, by God's grace.
Someday I hope to say I'm sorry.
i think i have to maybe go away for awhile
Maybe I am being too hard on myself. I have a friend that tells me that but then there are those who think it's bad that it still troubles me after 4 years.
jjct, let me tell you what I see in your response. Wow! You set up a meeting? You got yourself out there? That is an accomplishment I have been unable to make. I wish I had what it took to do that. If I were part of that group, I would have naturally expected to pitch in my share and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. It wouldn't have even occurred to me that one person should offer to pay. As for eating ahead of time, you just told them you were too hungry to wait, didn't you? That should have been fine. Speaking of being too hard on one's self, I think you are doing just that. I see a lot of positives in what you wrote.
Then, in the middle of it all, I pop off with some damned opinion -
not even being sensitive to the one i was giving it to...
she's been to hell & back.
WAYYYY more abused than me - and walking out, she was struggling a little with her coat, i just reached over to help & she visible flinched & pulled away from me, like i was scaring her.
me & my big mouth!
i had always been the funny guy, friendly, yadayada-
trying to 'network' - be helpful,
i blew that - big time...
thanks ofu, you're kind! for trying to put a good spin on it-
i'm an insensitive dolt,
i'm feeling the feeling rotten inside thing,
i don't feel fit for company.
it's like no one knows,
i'm cocooned in silence.
now im whining
I could have written those posts of yours. I don't know who the hell I am these days. I get so easily irritated at the smallest things - I'm not fit for public consumption!!
It's like my body is there, but I don't know the first thing to do or say to anyone - and these can be friends I've had for years!
I think that I will find my way back to being me eventually. I just let people know that I'm out of sorts and on edge and to please take me with a grain of salt these days. Most have been completely understanding and have just hugged me to help me through it.
If you think you came off as an asshole, just say so to the people you think you offended...I know they will forgive and understand...
Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy
it's a measure of the newness -
but i never was before.
i mean it. i would give BOTH OF MY ARMS to have even ONE of them as friends!
so you know what?
i KNOW - inside
i will write of me to them.
"letters to the ones I lost"
if my eyes mean anything to the invisible ones -
let them then
it seems, for some reason i don't understand -
that i must go to this place
and speak of heart essence somehow through one foot on bananapeel words
Then I got out and thought I had found this wonderful person who turned out to be once again NPD only subtle--subtle picking. Maybe because he was a coward. I was completely blindsided. Who would have thought they could be subtle? I didn't recognize it at all. I knew my mother was crazy and resisted the things she said but then it got subtly reinforced. And then they started working together on me. Brrrrrr. They really can do a number on people.
This site is SO helpful.
[This message edited by OutFromUnder at 9:34 PM, May 17th (Saturday)]
jj - you are beating yourself up about something that is not important. We all do things that we look back at and think "well, I look a prat now". You always feel far worse than what you look like!
This feeling is a legacy of your time with the nutter. Look into cognitive behaviour therapy, because this re-trains the mind. The example you have given is text-book stuff for someone who would benefit from cbt. Trust me on this one jj.
I don't know if it works as well with the ragers. It seems like they have better control because living through their rages is so miserable no one challenges them.
"The nutter." I like that phrase. That's what I'm going to start calling my ex-NPD. It's apt but yet diminishes him in a trivial, goofy kind of way.
besides CBT, (have been looking, when i can, for IC -'nother story),
I wanted to understand what was happening to me there, in 'that place' -
briefly, due to Ron's comment about picking up fleas, I went back to where he posted the link to the bpdfamily.org site.
Interestingly, I believe what has recently happened - the 'reliving' - is the result of having been under the stress of this for ...hmm - a year, now (approaching DDay antiversary).
I didn't want to go off & leave, well, I did, because I was just so down. What happened is that the serotonin levels have been depleted to the point of depression - the serotonin levels my brain has been producing - in quantity - to help deal with the stress, I guess it took *this long* to finally venture into the territory of depression; that is, there's just *not enough* anymore.
So I cycle shameful stuff. (I'm still bent about that episode. I did act that way. There's no getting around my discordance - I'm working on that too, trying to get out more).
But I was fully on the hamster wheel of depression there - and am not going to let it dominate or get the better of me!
So maybe this will help others -
EAT FOODS THAT MAKE YOU PRODUCE SEROTONIN!
1. Serotonin is synthesized from the amino acid tryptophan. Thus to produce serotonin, you need tryptophan. Tryptophan is an amino acid that you can only obtain by consumption. Therefore you want to consider eating foods containing sufficient levels of tryptophan to help replenish your serotonin levels each day. The following is a list:
1. Cottage cheese.
2. Brown rice.
7. Soy protein.
9. Turkey is probably the highest serotonin containing food. Eat turkey to help increase serotonin levels.
Much more there! Good tips - also when is best to eat pasta - at night (my favorite comfort food).
I am the spaghetti monster!
So all-in-all, I am out of that phase - I will survive this!
a double turkey sammich!
I would rack my brain trying to think of clues that he had given me about a particular restaurant. I would reply "Chinese?" H would respond that's the only food I'm not in the mood for.
OK now I'm thinking he's such a health food nut that he wants some red meat since we never have that. So I say how about a steak house? H responds "oh my God how could you suggest that - you know how I'm avoiding red meat!"
Finally, I say Fishbone and H says, "Honey, what a great choice, I'll be happy to take you there."
Can anyone relate?