Hang in there guys - our normalcy will prevail! Double turkey sandwiches all round!
I am able to stand up to my freak now a lot better, and I know this makes him really mad. I wish I could say that I am not afraid of him - well I don't fear him physically - but the anxiety level rises so high when I expect to see him or have to speak to him, and even when I see his email address in my inbox. Grrrr...I hate what he's done to me. How does one know when it is PTSD?
jj--I also think you are being way too hard on yourself. When you met with these other survivors, you were so hurt and wearing your heart on your sleeve. I'm sure everyone was on hypervigilant mode. The lady with the coat may have pulled away because she had suffered beatings at the hands of men in her life. Likewise, I never would have thought for a moment that you should have picked up that tab. Maybe you could contact these people and propose another meeting since you are all "at a different place in your lives" now. See how everyone is healing, etc. I doubt that these ladies who were so hurting would've been judging you harshly. I would guess that it is only you who is judging you so harshly. jj, are you opposed to taking anti-depressants? I don't think I could get up and face the day without them. And counseling. Thank God for that.
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
Teacher, near the end of my marriage, I broke down in tears over the where-should- we-go-eat business. One day I just started crying and said, "Why is this always such a big deal? Why can't you ever just say where you want to go?" Oh dear. I just got completely worn out by all the water torture.
teacher~ oh, I can totally relate to the eating out choices...its all part of the N's Mind Fuck.
(Tell him to go eat a "bag of dicks" next time! LOL )
This "graphic novel" has become my N's autobiography...he's on CENTER STAGE now...and what is weird is his recall of all the perceived slights & hurts of his childhood.
He's really STUCK there, too.
The victim...as usual...
Yeah, and the cowardice comes across Loud & Clear as well!
Triple turkey-stuffed croissants for all!
I had such a blast at the SI gathering in Niagara. It was so great to get away.
I know I struggled with the social aspects for a long time and I constantly doubt myself. I have had to slowly work on getting comfortable around people. I find I usually open my mouth and insert my foot.
Its I am glad you were able to have a good talk with your daughter. I think over time I have been able to better connect with my children though all this and it has been good in that way.
Pass the turkey sandwiches.
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
he would just hand me $$$ and say "you call them". I never realized this until just now.
Him: X, 51 PA SA NPD?
2 kids; DD14, DD8 divorced
I love you guys, I really do.
(((w2))) - you are somethin! God bless you! I'm not against drugs - maybe the SRI's (serotonin re-uptake inhibitors)...but this is gonna get funny, you know I gotta eat a turkey sammich every day now, right? lol!
I am going to get through this!
Yes, the moment she pulled away, I knew (that she had been abused). Thing is, see, this hurt me at very deep levels.
I will 'reveal' here. Here I am, the highest thing that could be said that would build me up (& it's been said)- is that I am a healer.
Not just a doctor.
I fuckin blew it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i wish everyone tribe could sit & watch what i do in my clinic for just one day.
It is a "secret" - to give all of your heart and attention to a hurting one.
I am supplied by above.
ppl ask me if i am on drugs! lol!
I love helping ppl!
dammit jim too much dammit
I would suggest another meet, but am afraid that would be hurtful - to them.
They got enough on their plates to worry 'bout 'little ol me'...
I continue to be soooooo happy for you!
no, I donít either,
but I know immensity
And so I woke up my NPD husband, who went into a tirade because he hadn't gotten a whole lot of sleep. Then he went into another tirade as he went into panic mode.
The news report was sort of misleading, so I could grant the possibility that he didn't know... at that point... that we were not in a panic zone. So I accepted the combined force of the news and his assertion that we needed to leave the area as gospel.
We went to eat at a local restaurant, then he said that he would be taking the "slow boat to China" road instead of going around all of those stupid barricades. We would come out somewhere near the mall. I could follow him.
So follow him, I did. And it wasn't until we got to Crowley, and he stopped at a SuperFoods to tell me that he couldn't tell where we were because it was noon and there weren't any shadows that I realized that he had no clue as to where we were. Even though he had been here at least twice that I personally know of, to either take a prostitute home at 2 am or to visit The Giant. He could find his way here in the dark, but he didn't know how to get home in broad fucking daylight. Anyways...
I called my brother and navigated our way to my parents' home. I probably could have been home earlier if I had stopped at the Duson exit, but I had had enough of country towns.
He left telling me he was going to the office, which turned out to be a lie. He actually went to our house before he started feeling antsy and went to the offce.
He called me mid-afternoon to tell me to start looking up hotels in the area. He really doesn't feel comfortable staying at my parents' house, so a hotel is the only answer. Even though he was the one with the boss internet connections, and I had only my parents' spotty internet connection (they live in a very rural area), I complied.
So I called him back to tell him about the different hotels, prices, locations, etc. We decided on a place. I told him that the train company will probably reimburse us because we are in an evacuation zone. He was enthusiastic.
Then he calls back to tell me that he has found a different hotel through his company with a local company that they use with a discounted rate. Even better, I am thinking. The only problem is, with the boys, we max out our limit for one hotel room. If I get my parents to watch the boys and just take Lola, we only have one hotel room to worry about. He is currently working on something, so could I call him back when I am ready to check in? Cool. My parents are okay with keeping the boys.
I call him at almost 5 to tell him that we are ready. Well, somebody came in from out of town, and they want to go out for dinner and drinks, so he's already out with them. But if I could just hold on until 7 pm, that would be really great.
At this point, I'm already beginning to smell a rat, but I don't realize how big of one, so I take a bath, and give our Bunny a bath and put her to sleep. She hasn't had a nap all day, so she needs a little extra sleeptime at night. Fine.
Around about 7, I get a call from him stating that he is back at the office. He is all excited because when they were at X place, the waitress announces that she is James Clement from Survivor's girlfriend! Imagine that! That damned waitress from Mel's Diner never even got to talk about her boyfriend or who he was. It kind of makes you wonder what the conversation was when the subject of her boyfriend came up... so now I am really and TRULY pissed. And so NOT looking forward to being stuck in a hotel room with a baby while he and his friends go out bar-hopping.
At this point, I'm actually passing by my house, and instead of seeing barricades, I am seeing everybody going on about their business. So I call 911, who dispatch me to Lafayette PD, who then dispatch me to a helpline, who inform me that we are not in an evacuation zone.
So I call PIC and inform him of this. And he confesses that he already knows this, but he got a bad feeling while he was in the house. And he was in the house LONG before he called me and told me to look up hotels. And while he and his friend were at Z bar (notice: a totally different bar than the one before), they were discussing blah blah, fuckity blah. And at this point, all I am seeing is fucking red. With rage, in case you didn't notice.
Because while he's out bar-hopping and having a fabulous time, I'm out here rearranging shit so this simple motherfucker can feel comfortable living out the single life. At my expense and Our Bunny's expense. Because after being disturbed, she doesn't fall asleep again until 10 minutes before he walks through the door. Which is over an hour after he tells me that I need to stay in the house, not in an evacuation zone, and see if I truly feel comfortable.
And so the lesson of introspection that I had planned to learned, which involved some serious examination of myself on my part, is all shot to hell.
Because when you're dealing with a pathological liar and sociopath, everything goes to fucking hell. You can count on it.
Get this...the Cap'n used to have me call in his dinner order to be delivered...(he was as far away from me as he could be and still be in the United States)
Yeah, the restaurant was down the street from where he was and I used to call them from my little home to have them deliver his dinner to his hotel room!!
He will NOT talk on the phone...unless of course he felt like killing about 10 minutes of MY time...he was bored while driving between appointments. God forbid if I was in the middle of anything that precluded me from devoting my entire attention to him at that precise moment!
I mentioned once that my best girl friend was my "in case of emergency" (ICE) number. He seemed hurt that HE was not my ICE...I asked if he would answer the phone if an unknown number were to call him. He said, "huh...probably not"....I said, "ergo...you are not my ICE!"
it was just pervasive throughout my every waking moment....still doing the happy dance that I am getting free of him...day by day...step by step....
Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy
(((Veritas))) What an asshat he is!
(((jj))) Something from your sister poet:
I can see you there--
Doin' what you love.
Dressed in white;
Crimson heart pinned to the sleeve.
Giving your all,
Speaking kind words.
Easing their pain
While dealing with your own.
Cut yourself some slack. You've been through a lot. Thanks for always sharing your wisdom and experience. Now go eat some turkey!
slicing up avocado, Wounded, and stirring homemade turkey noodle soup to soothe all of us.
our battered souls need Comfort Food!
WW: honey, Im so sorry for all the things i've done. i wanna go back. you're the only family i've got.i want to serve and be a mother and a wife for you and to our baby. honey, can you still accept me? hows baby? i miss you so much i just cant find a way to get back to u. i wanna go home now and be with you. i just realized that no one could love me like you do. i wanna have you as my husband. i wanna have children with you. honey lets talk. find ways to call me. im very sad now. please lets start a new life. i love you.
Subject: A VERY CLEAR MESSAGE
Beth, i feel sorry for you that you feel that way. But i feel more sorry for you because I no longer feel the same for you. After all you have done, I don't think I am yet stupid enough to take you back for no good reasons. There will no longer be a good reason for you to be taken back into our lives. Your being a mother has been a responsibility you have chosen to forget long ago and I have already taken that off your shoulders. We no longer need you nor do I need to love anybody like you again. Love is not all that matters this time. Responsibilities and Abilities, wit and good morales count a lot for me and to my baby. you have none of those virtues. Not a single one.
I dont think you are stupid enough not to understand the finality of my words. I dont care bout what you feel now because you dont even deserve the attention. YOu had everything from us before, you were given all the gifts anybody would most gladly wish to have, but you never in any way appreciated everything. You took everything foregranted. so goes the saying " you'll never know what you have till you loose them" . I understand what you are going through, but please don't try to fix your life at our expense anymore. I no longer am willing to sacrifice my love, my pride, my beliefs, my family for someone like you. Try to look into yourself and find out if you have anything good in you that's worth the slightest of my attention. Try going back in time and remember anything.
If you can't even count 3 of them off your own fingers... then you have the answers. I no longer am willing to sacrifice anything for a worthless cause. As far as I know, you greatly fit into that criteria.
I shall live a better life, a far more peaceful and well-guided one without you. Now with everyone around and support me, I have all the love that you can never top.
that's my letter.. and knowing her she will reply this and will blame me for all the shits that happens to her. i was like you're saying sorry? you dont even admit your mistakes. and if you guys notice its all about her.. her sorrows her pains her feelings.. what about us? me and my daughter she abandoned for months. now shes coming back as if nothing happens... now that she know that we are happy.. she will be back to our lives just like that? also this comment is really crazy.. "I wanna have children with you?" damn you cant even control the child in you.. and having one child gives you a lot of problems.. now you want to have more children with me.. ahhhh i dont understand these people. i mean.. they will take you for granted... living la vida loca.. now that im completely over her and giving her up. and im happy with my life right now. you are here trying to come back.
I know it must be miserable not to be able to have a successful relationship of any type - no real friends, no real love, etc... but I don't think the NPD ever sees that THEY are the one constant in all of their misery - they will NEVER see that.
I am trying to imagine if they even feel that pain and I just don't see that they can - they can feel anger and rage at the person or thing that they blame for their pain - but they will never see that they are the root cause...