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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N.P.D. Thread part VI
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Veritas)))
May Lola Bunnie's surgery go well.

I would love to poke the NPD*Asshat*Fucktarded*Freak right in the eyes. It's sad that he can't see the wonderful you. Alas, he's temporary.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Veritas)))

Again, what an Asshat! No, that's not good enough today -- AssF*ckingHole - that's better.

Daughter in surgery = You free up the whole day (and a few days after) to be with her. That's just what you do.

NPD Dad of the Year award nominee

DD will see your loving face when she wakes up in recovery, and that is what matters. Screw him and his all-important fruit-tray meeting!


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This population has not been studies intensively (other than sociopaths) and it seems that not all that much is known beyond identification and professionals not wanting to deal with them (for good reason).

I totally agree with everything you said, Lied2. There is much we can learn from the studies of the sociopath. One major difference between sociopaths and NPD's is criminal behavior. The "experts" base the criminal past on convictions. Well, I'm sure there are many NPD's out there who have committed crimes and not been caught. Does that make them a sociopath or an NPD?

Also, don't you think based on their childhood trauma, they seem to take on this lost puppy personality? I remember when I met mine that he seemed to have this irrisistable almost childish charm about him. He seemed so innocent, but in reality he was anything but.

I think the raging is a control mechanism. I think that they rage when you or anyone else gets too close to the *truth* (exposure). I think the raging is YOUR cue to back off and shut up and stop what ever YOU are doing. If you don't, you will be subject to his/her rage until you do. Depending on how far you push it and close you are to EXPOSING him/her will determine how violent the rage.

I think that raging began as a childhood temper-tantrum that resulted in attention and just evolved into a full-blown adult temper-tantrum = RAGE. Really, the only difference is instead of having a child throwing himself/herself on the floor throwing a fit, screaming and yelling or jumping up and down and screaming and yelling, you have a fully grown adult person. It's really quite shocking when you witness it for the first time. Most people's natural reaction to this is to do whatever they need to do to make it STOP.

Itsa,
Welcome to the ANGER stage of recovery!

Raging at him will likey do you no good. You will only accomplish giving him attention. N-supply. Yuck, you don't want to do that.

Can you have his pay garnished?

Ron, you're right. They did not love us. They are incabable of loving anyone but themselves, and that I even question. They "loved" what we did for them, or how we made them look, or what we provided for them, or how we improved their image, etc. But love? No way.

V,
Good thoughts for Lola's surgery.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad - as always I value your wise words. I saw a friend of mine today and she said what you said, that if I rage at him he will be enjoying the attention and he will be thrilled that he has got to me. I know it makes sense so I did not contact him. I phoned the child support agency so that whole process began again. The woman was kind to me on the phone which made me cry. My car failed its mot today so I need to find 300. That made me cry. My ds7 said he knows I try hard to look after them. I cried to myself. I have had a crap day and feel rubbish. It all comes back to the same thing:him. He's rattled my cage good and proper again. I thought I was past this.

V - I hope it goes well for Lola. Much love itsa xxxx


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((itsa)))

(((HUGS)))

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((itsa))) I don't know what the law is like there, but I am speechless that they don't do anything but allow him to make up his own rules and deviate from the order at his whim. I hope things get better for you really soon.

Thanks to all for the well wishes for Lola. I'm sure it will be a slam dunk, but you never know.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks vee and bob. The law is pathetic over here. The government gave the csa the job of finding the feckless fathers and making them pay up. It is quite a new way of doing things but the woman on the phone did say some cases do end up in court. The problem is my ex just tells lies to them, he is self-employed so it is not like they can take his payments from his employer. It is a mess but I have activated a claim against him through the csa today. I may get some money in about five years!
Bob - I wish my kids had a dad like you. It really is heart-breaking for the kids of people with npd.
It's another day tomorrow...hope it's better!

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had the intake interview for family counceling today. The one councelor wanted to have the ex come in to be interviewed. I was not too enthusiastic and told them not to expect him to come and if he did it could very easily deteriorate with the 2 of us in the same room together (and I would rather have my teeth drilled than be in the same room as he is). I guess we will see if he answers his phone when the guy calls him.

The councelor kept asking me why I stayed so long when the marriage was clearly not good for me or the children. I replied that I kept trying because I wanted it to work, I would see improvements at times but that the improvements would not last. The guy kept trying to probe the issue. I felt like saying, "Ya I am a screw-up and harmed my kids by staying with an abusive a-hole so arrest me already". (it didn't help that they had people watching us behind the glass. too)

I am hoping that this will help me and the children heal further than we have so far.

Veritas I hope the surgery goes fine. I know when my son has had his surgeries in the past I didn't bother to invite the ex or encourage him to be there because it would have been so much worse for everyone being around him having him bitch and moan and make himself into the victim-daddy who is so afraid for his child etc. The drama and stage show is too much to take. Mine would show his true colours after it an not call or see my son when he didn't have a sympathetic audience.

Its I hope you manage to get it sorted out. I know a friend of mine's ex is going to paying off the child support he owes well into his old age because he owes he years worth already (and has to pay for another 5-6) as well as for his child from the first marriage with a bill of close to $100,000 with fines etc.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Veritas, so typical of the NPD! Energy and good thoughts to you and your daughter. I'm sure the surgery will go just fine.

Itsa, best of luck to you as well. I hope you get what you're owed and I know it pales in comparison to what you have to do and go through. So unfair. Where are the consequences?

Sad2, you hit the nail on the head with your lost puppy personality and the irrisistable almost childish charm and innocence. I could never word it so well, but that is exactly the way mine struck me and what attracted me to him. And, of course, everyone who knew him, loved him. How wrong we all were.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lied)))

Oh I hate hearing this torture you endure becaus of Daddie*Fuckface.
------
I met with Guardian ad Litum.

I did not sugar coat what I thought was up with STBXPDW. He understood !!! Yeah !!!

He suggested that I send STBXPDW an email outlining DD9&13's grievances with STBXPDW. Below is what I sent.

Last nite was hard as DD13 was crying again that she doesn't have a mom. She was very upset that STBXPDW still hadn't responded to her email regarding issues she has with STBXPDW. "She doesn't care", is what DD13 said.

DD9 on the way to school today also stated that she doesn't have a mom.

Fucking NPD Freaks.

Here's the email:
------
STBXPDW,
I'd hoped that things would not have escalated as they have. I'd hoped that you would have taken seriously the kids concerns with you and their fear of you talked about in court and mediation.

DD13 is very upset that you have not responded to her email concerning your behaviors towards her. She had a long cry and we talked last nite. She feels that she doesn't have a mom. As does DD9.

They are concerned with many things:

-Rages
They feel that when you don't want to deal with them or are frustrated, etc., that you will fly into a rage, such as screaming, yelling, swearing, kicking and slamming things, calling them names, insulting them, etc. This is the reason why DD13 called me on 4/10 to pick her up from your house to finish a school project and the reason given as to why DD9 ran away from your house on 4/6.

-Lying
They feel that you lie to them about many things, such as where you are when you disappear when they are visiting you, does or does not your brother live with you, etc.

-Gaslighting
They feel that you will do something to them or around them and when they call you on it, such as not coming home till they are asleep, that you tell them that it didn't happen and that they are wrong or imagining it.

-Attention
They feel that you don't want to be bothered with them, or their concerns. That you won't talk to them. That you don't care enough to ask them about their world, how they are doing, how they feel about things, etc.

-Your Family
They do not like your sister's boyfriend. They do not like being told that your family can come and go as they please. That you refuse to lock the doors to keep your family out when the kids ask you too. The kids feel that your family is more important to you than they are.

-Abuse
They feel that you think that once they start to get comfortable with you again, that you can start to lie to them, hide things from them, ignore them, disappear, etc.

-Home
They do not want to live with you.

These are but a few things.

Maybe you and the girls could meet with Pastor and talk about these things.

What is it that you want for this to be resolved and so that we can finalize this divorce?

BoB.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored - Aldous Huxley
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality - Ayn Rand
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bob, I am so sorry for you and the girls but have high hopes that before long you will be rid of her. I know of a fellow who has been going through something very similar but he has his divorce now. It wasn't easy but he's got it. She's been a real pain after the divorce but it is getting better as he learns to avoid and ignore her. So there is definitely hope on the horizon for you.

This leads me to ask, why do there seem to be so many NPD's? Are we in a crisis in this country? I can point to a lot of them. Or is it hypervigilance on my part?


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((BoB))) and (((littleBoBs)))

It is just sickening what our kids are made to endure. My DS13 and DD9 have many of the same issues with their father. The rages, the lying, gaslighting, lack of interest, control issues, being at his place, etc. It's just sad, sad, sad...


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
scared&stronger
♀ Member
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, he's has a problem with me if I am in a bad mood and he has a problem with me when I am in a good mood. I told him that I am tired of his anger at me and his passive aggressive behavior, he told me he thinks I am too spoiled and I have it too easy. That maybe all the problems I see are mine and not his.


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.


Posts: 3951 | Registered: Aug 2007
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try to remember in the bustle, they "put on you"
the disowned aspects of themselves.

There was a thread in g about posting thru other's pain. alot of deleting going on!
i won't delete this.
i pray hard.
& if it qualifies as fervent to the watching ones,


may it avail much.

(((Tribe))))


Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1 in 10 people have a personality disorder of some kind. One in every 10 people you see around you. That is alot of damaged people.

Is it getting worse? I don't know. I don't really know if they know enough to have figures from the past to even compare to now and given the undiagnosed nature of the disorders it would be inaccurate anyways.

Bob I am glad that your DDs are able to express themselves. I am trying to get my kids to the place that they can express things like that as well.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tribe)))

DD13 gave me permission to share this with you. This is the email that she sent to STBXPDW on Sunday. She still has had no response.

DD9 told me today that she told STBXPDW that she hated STBXPDW. When STBXPDW asked why DD9 told her that it was because she caused the divorce and that Dude was her boyfriend. DD9 then left to play at her friends house until STBXPDW brought her home.

Here is DD13's email:
------
Hi mom.
I don't really know how to say this, so I guess I will
just get to the point.
We are afraid of you and your family.
We get scared when you are mad and yelling and
stomping around.
Your sisters boyfriend's always drunk.
Your brother always is drinking and has friends over.
Grandma and Grandpa are always drinking, too.
Hmm, looks like your family has alcohol problems.(I
just noticed that.)
I don't really feel safe at night. Maybe if we got
away from your sisters boyfriend and your brother I would feel better about
sleeping over.
It seems like you put your friends and your family
before us. Whenever we are with you, you are always on
the phone or texting. We aren't always allowed to lock
out cousin and her father (STBXPDW's sisters boyfriend).
It seems like you always have an excuse to leave, like
you don't even want to be with us. You are always
running to the store or the gas station or the bank or
something.
I think you need to stop spending all your money on
fun things, and start paying off your bills, and get a
real house. I don't like it that we have to use food
stamps all the time. I feel bad whenever we use the
food stamps.
I can tell you lie to us, and have lied to us. Lying
is bad.
Can you please not work when we are supposed to be
with you? There are plenty of other days you can work.
It seems like we don't even see you when you are there
because you are at work.
I don't really want to go to your house of Mondays
because we just go for like a half hour then leave. I
think it would be a good idea if dad got us a sitter
or something on Mondays so we don't have to be by
ourselves.
I'm don't think I'm supposed to say this, but would it
kill ya to reply to dad's emails? When you don't
confirm anything, no one knows what is going on and
its just confusing for everyone.
Please don't be mad about this email.
~DD13
------

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tribe)))

Here is the response from STBXPDW concerning above:
------
I just got DD13s email. The kids have every right to express how they feel. Im not a mind reader. You could be alittle more encouraging. I beg them to come over, sleep over, and go on walks or bike rides, run errands with me. They just say no all the time. I dont have all the right answers. You and I are good people and theres no reason we cant all get along. Dont create problems. Everythings not always perfect, thats part of parenting.
------

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kids are smart. Their vision is not clouded by romance.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bob - she's a gem. I find it amusing how she suddenly becomes really reasonable with you!
Your dd is saying similar things to my dd. They do understand the difference in their parents love but it is so very hard on them. They destroy their relationships with their kids by their own hand but then seek to put the blame on us.

Lied - I could have the same accusation made at me. I stayed for what I considered to be the right course of action at the time. Now my mind is different I can see it was a mistake but I tried to make it work until I realised my ex-husband was severly mentally ill. Do not feel bad about this. There is only one person who should feel bad and it isn't you.

Scared - my freak used to say I was spoilt as well. My mom told me recently that on our wedding day the freak looked at a card that my parents had sent us and said something really strange. My mom had written to our beloved itsa and my ex said in a surprised/strange voice "beloved!!". Mom thougth it was strange that he should draw attention to this expression of love. She said he seemed jealous. Says is all really. He would say my parents spoilt me. They didn't - they just loved me.


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
chriscross
♂ Member
Member # 17166
Default  Posted: 3:23 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((outfromunder/woundedby2)) thank you very much for your advice. yeah she's been emailing me from time to time and i really dont reply. except the last one. that really pissed me off. but you were right my fellow tribe.. my N doesnt understand the "clear-ness of my message".

she reply me with "why it always to be me? when all i did is to love you with all that i am.. i just realized that no one else will love me the way you do."

what a crap.. i will continue my No Contact rule. even if sometimes her letter is really piss me off.


Posts: 85 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: philippines
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