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User Topic: N.P.D. Thread part VI
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex freak (my pet name for the turd I married - the other name my friends call him are totally unrepeatable) never ever said sorry for anything. He had no need to as everything was my fault!!
Do you know something? I really enjoy not being married to the freak anymore! Over the last week I have enjoyed painting my living room and I am even contemplating doing some internet dating!! How's that for progress? I am leaving the past behind now and it feels really good.
The freak is beginning to diminish in my mind.
I am getting there...

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to put this out there.

How do you deal with meeting someone new and talking about your ex when you were with someone so horribly damaged and they did leave scars on your spirit?

I had a date with someone firday night and as much as I tried I ended up talking about my ex and the insanity of my life (especially the current ongoing insanity of trying to co-parent with a nutcase). I imagine that I came of as being somewhat insane myself. I am scared he is going to never want to talk to me again. I feel very much like damaged goods.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is also how I fear I come across to people. I hope that someone special will see that I am much more than what I may appear. I guess I am the eternal optimist. Lied - I am sure you did not sound as bad as you feared. If it is someone special they will have to understand who and what you are. And that includes the continuing relationship with a freak.
At least you are out there dating, my friend, that in itself is brilliant after everything you endured.

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To you daters, I think it's best not to speak of the ex right away. I just avoid the subject and say something like "we grew apart" if asked. I figure that's info for later if it seems like we have something. I don't really think anyone would understand until much further along in a relationship.

On my first date with a fellow, he talked about his ex a lot and what went wrong. It was a total turnoff for me because of what I'd already come through with mine. It made it seem that he wasn't over it, and I didn't want to have to deal with his problems right after I had been drained by mine.

I'm thinking that if you need to talk about it a lot on the first date, you're probably not yet ready for dating. Just my humble opinion.

Edit: I just reread this post and it sounds harsh. But you know, we all were damaged or broken by the NPD and we need time to mend and heal before we can get back out there. I just think talking about the ex a lot to a new, first date says that you still have some healing to do.

[This message edited by OutFromUnder at 6:38 PM, April 21st (Monday)]


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
lied2
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Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case the part I did mention is the current stuff my ex is doing, withholding the current address and it was mentioned when the date asked about my ex taking the kids (which he can't right now because of the above).

I can see your point. I really do think I am alot more healed than I may have come across. This is not the first time we have met and this week has been pretty bad for me because of all kids of crap.

I just wonder how I come across. I often feel nuts because of everything that has happened in my life.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
cjonesjag
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Member # 10617
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you deal with meeting someone new and talking about your ex when you were with someone so horribly damaged and they did leave scars on your spirit?

I've thought about this myself. First thing *is*, I don't want to even get STARTED talking about WTF.

But..I'm sure that it would eventually come up. I've thought about just saying that I'm a "widow"

I also cannot STAND pity or those eyes that look at you and say 'oh you poor thing.' I only tell *you guys* that kind of stuff.

I think it would take a LOT for me to feel comfortable talking about the insane life I've led for the last eight years. Without any children between us there won't be a need to refer to him as a "father" of any sort in my kids lives.

I've thought about saying "Well, he decided the motherfuckingpassiveaggressive *silent treatment* for MORE THAN A YEAR was appropriate communication, and I didn't."

Or..."I didn't like his girlfriend, didn't find him interesting on his dating profiles, and certainly didn't find him charming when he was out trolling for younger women."

When/if I EVER disuss any details about this nightmare, it would be after I was in a very serious long-term relationship.

Because anyone who doesn't think I'm crazy *now*, would SURELY think I was crazy for staying in a situation like this for more than ten minutes!


Me (BS):50
Him(WTFH):51 Married: 05/26/2002
DD#1: 09/2005 (EA) DD#2: 09/2006
Mini-DDays: Many. Mostly online
DIVORCED 10/20/10
It's not what you've got, it's what you give.
It ain't the life you choose, it's the life you live

Posts: 6400 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Michigan
Balancing Act
♀ Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cjonesjag...

you have given me some GREAT ideas! I really like the thought of being a widow....oh, wait....i really don't want the pity looks that come along with that...maybe WH could just do me this one little courtesy and actually die?

But I am in no way, shape or form ready to even think about dating...especially since i've just been separated for 2 months! I'm a nun until this D is done.


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
hardliner
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Member # 18972
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lied2

I just wonder how I come across.

I think this is their legacy. We are their mirrors and we learn at a subconscious level to provide the image they want. End result....we lose our sense of 'self'

From all I've read here, my mother was NPD. I spent much of my life wondering what was wrong with me but eventually came to believe that there was something wrong with her. Then X ups and leaves and I get my answer here And I married someone with similar traits. DOOMED

I thought EVERYONE went to bed at night and went over the day's interactions to see where they MIGHT have SUGGESTED something - not even said something - that MIGHT have given offence to others.

Well she passed away last June but I made my peace with her in my own head in her final dying year. He left me in October.

You all know what the nights are like when you've been betrayed and abandoned. But do you know something.... I just realised today from your post, I don't lie in bed at night any more wondering how I came across during the day. The two 'supposedly' most significant people in my life are gone and I realise they both made me feel de-stabilised most of the time.

This wouldn't make sense to anyone else but WAY down there, where my 'self' is, I've stopped wondering what people will think if..... They, the NPD's spend all their lives wondering how they look and come across, but do you know... I think I'm more secure than that. They can't take away your core self.


But then, I'm in a circle of friends.

I'm sure if I were dating, all that old S**t would come right back.

Sorry for the ramble. But this thread just keeps switching on lightbulbs. One day I'll blow the National Grid

[This message edited by hardliner at 5:53 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 46 Married: 23 yrs 3 kids: 21, 17, 15
Walked out without warning for OW Oct 07
Separated
"There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in"

Posts: 253 | Registered: Apr 2008
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lied2, if this isn't the first time you've met, you're probably okay.

I've had to dance around the issue a bit when asked what I learned from my divorce because I think if I tell a person I don't know very well that I was in a relationship with an NPD for 30 years.....yikes.

I think I've decided that until I'm in a serious relationship, I'm not going to give out details other than we've grown apart. I just don't think someone should really be prying like that until they know you better. But I'm not going to volunteer info until it's more serious either. I really don't want to go out to date to talk about it. I want to have fun! I deserve it.

And as much as I'd love to say I'm a widow, I think that could come back to haunt me if a relationship looks promising. Oh, it's tough.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel bummed.

The guy called and said that he he really likes me and would like to see me again BUT He feels that he wants to wait until my ex is remarried so that there is not chance the anyone would consider that I should reconsile again with my ex. That is just plain sucky. I understand his point to a degree because I feel that my ex's wedding will give everyone that meaure of closer. The other part of it is feeling the pain of being in this situation from no choice of my own.

He gave me his phone number and I am considering calling him in a week or so and seeing if he would like to email back and forth (if he doesn't call me in between). I know he has things he want to sort out and maybe this is the insentive I need to get my house finished and the like.

I just hate this all. I hat being divorced. I hate being impacted by my ex some more. I don't even have his address for the kids to see him let alone know when the wedding is etc. He wants the kids in the wedding but them pulls this crap. He is such a complete loser. Why can't he fall off the face of the planet.

I'm a widow, thats the ticket.

I just feel bummed. blahhhhhh

I could use some hugs

edited to add. He did say that he things I am really neat person so I guess I didn't come off as crazy as I felt/feel.

[This message edited by lied2 at 5:11 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
bobelina
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Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lied)))
(((Lied)))
(((Lied)))
(((Lied)))
(((Lied)))

Your're neato. You're cool. You're a good Mom. And you sure are handy with remodeling !!!

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I'm finally putting myself out here in the NPD thread. I'm pretty certain that this is where I belong. When I read all of your postings here (and I've been lurking for a while now) I totally relate to nearly all of it.

I was made to feel like I was crazy and inadequate. I was on and off ADs 3 times and was depressed for probably the past 12 years.

After 17 years of marriage I had completely lost "me". I guess I never became the true adult version of "me". We met when I was 17 and married when I was 24. He's all I've ever known, and now I realize the extent of the damage that he has done to me.

Nothing is ever his fault. It's mine. He is angry and has a short fuse. He was cruel and sarcastic to me. I was totally objectified by him. He never bonded fully with the kids. He has no empathy and is unable to relate to the feelings that others have.

He came to view the kids and I as a "team" banded against him. He never finished projects around the house. He contributed little to the household, but he criticized my housekeeping skills. Nothing was ever good enough for him. Nevermind that I worked fulltime and earned half of the household income, commuted everyday, was raising 2 kids, running a household, and trying to keep up with the social life that he was orchestrating for us.

I could go on and on...and now that we are separated, it seems to get crazier. Really. To the point where I honestly can't believe that I am talking about my life. Me - probably one of the most "square" people around.

You'll be hearing more from me. I need to get some of his recent BS out of my system. I'm afraid you all are going to be on the receiving end of my rants. I know you're up for it though.



Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome woundedby2

Vent away. Better here than at the kids or your friends. It is hard to make sense of everything without letting it out somehow.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
Ron7127
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Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Recovering from a relationship with a NPD or BPD is really tough. One is so confused and brainwashed from the years of abuse. I, too, feel like i lost myself. Looking back, I cannot believe it was me doing all the appeasing I did, compromising many of the things I believed in, censoring my thoughts to avoid conflict. Shit, I even lied about who I voted for and lied when i would talk to my kids from the first marriage, as she would go ballistic if they called to talk.
The strange thing is just how insidious the erosion process was. At first, when she would pull this shit, going nuts or giving me the silent treatment, I would argue about how unreasonable it was. Gradually, I just gave up and took the easy way out, conflict avoidance at all costs.This was because she was just so incredibly unreasonable and mean. It made no sense to even try to discuss things with her.
Another strange thing is that I am much smarter than her and yet, she was never wrong. My views never had any merit.
Once our kids arrived, I felt really hamstrung about fighting back. I did not want the kids witnessing her rage and abuse and i so wanted them to have a nice home.
God, now that I am out and have some perspective, I am ashamed of letting this cretin call all the shots. She ran roughshod over my kids from the first marriage nad destroyed our finances.
I am so fortunate to have had the suppoet of her family. They assure me she has always beenthis way. Her mom describes her as a sociopath and her dad calls her a habitual liar. This really helped me see it was not me(except i was responsible for being such a doormat.)

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
woundedby2
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Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone have suggestions on how to deal with NPDSTBXH with control (or loss of control?) issues who is harassing and basically stalking you?

He is the one who left me, but he won't leave me alone. Last night I turned into my cul-de-sac and he was on his way out. This was at 9:15. I called him on his cell and said, "was there something that you wanted?" in a bitchy tone, and he replied something about wanting to talk to me about the kids - yeah, at 9:15 at night. He is unable to grasp the fact that he has moved out and no longer has control over what is happening in this house. He was calling in the mornings and talking to the kids and all the while checking up on me to see whether they were going to be on time for school. He was constantly asking for sex, and he called me late at night asking for it. On one of these nights he was actually parked out front of my house, and went into the backyard - urging me to meet him there for sex.

The latest episode is that while he was in my home for visitation, he went into the computer and deleted DS13s game software because he didn't want him playing the game with his grades the way they were. So he just made the unilateral decision to delete files from my computer. Really helps his relationship with DS, don't ya think? I told him no more accessing my computer and no more visitation in my home, and he is refusing to abide by my wishes. Saying that he is on the deed and he can come into this house whenever. The computer is still his too, blah, blah, blah....

OMG. I don't want to get an order, but I think that I'm not being left with much choice. Anyone with advice on this kind of wackiness?


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ron - I could've written that post. My tongue's got grooves from biting it to keep the peace.
I am ashamed - yes it was an insidious process that I didn't see- but still, I allowed it. I am trying to see things the way Balancing said awhile ago, when she said the N's behavior is actually making it easier to detach.

wounded - glad you found your way here through all the muck!
If you're in D proceedings, and he has already moved out - check with your L first, but I'd most definitely do everything I could to keep him out of your space.
I'm guessing you don't want to file an RO because of the shitstorm your N would unleash?
You see that's just another flavor of manipulation Ron's touching on, right?

If you've been reading through these threads, you no doubt read how common this situation is...
FREAKS!

So, I'd even go so far as to suggest looking into a Protective Order as well, again, ask your L - since it is not uncommon for the N to exhibit violence.
Threatening, yes?

Yeah, well - the FREAKS never respect any boundaries but their own
(which are crazy googlymoogly anyway).
Padlock the damn back gate too if you can.
FREAKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The insiduous creep of insanity that they somehow got us the accept.

Yup. I lived that. I was actually talking to a friend earlier that I am still working on forgiving myself and letting go of the guilt for the things I allowed and did in order to survive in this situation. I think part of my rage and bitterness towards my ex now stems from me being so angry with myself. I feel like I was an accomplice for the crimes committed to my children (if I had left sooner they would not have gotten abused as often etc.) How do you let that all go ? I am working on it.

woundedby2 you need to get exclusive posession of the house. That will prevent him from being able to some there and enter and leave as he pleases. Also no visitation at the house because it starts to violate your space that is becoming your sactuary of sorts.

He came to view the kids and I as a "team" banded against him. He never finished projects around the house. He contributed little to the household, but he criticized my housekeeping skills. Nothing was ever good enough for him.

Yup. I hear you.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some days when I read here I just shake my head in disbelief as I could write the words that some of you write to a tee. Ron and Lied - everything I have recently read from you could come from my own mouth.
How I enabled the freak to treat me like he did is a tough one to understand because to the rest of the world I am miss fiesty! He just got into all of my insecurities and made them worse! My counsellor showed me how to understand my own role in a very dysfunctional relationship. All I can say to you (and to myself) is that you learn from your mistakes and you do not make the same ones again. I certainly would not tolerate a relationship like that again. I understand that I will make new mistakes; I do not intend to make the same ones again. Life is a learning curve and we will all learn from this and hopefully ensure we do not follow similar patterns again.

Lied - I am so impressed that you have gone on a date. It may not have worked this time but I am sure someone is out there for you.

Wounded - have you consulted a solicitor? I also considered a ro for a while but the freak seemed to calm down when he realised I meant business.

I still get that empty feeling every now and then about how he could have treated me so bad. I look at the past now and see so many examples of when he was weird but I did not realise the significance of it. He is a very flawed human being and I would not wish to share my life with someone like that. Life can be difficult at times but I would never go back to that sickening feeling when I heard his footsteps on the floor. I think I like my life without him. I would like to share my life with someone special now ( not to live with obviously - way too much commitment) but someone to go out with. I like having this feeling as well - like I am a flower about to bloom again!!


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is my son's death anniversary.
I just feel hollow and dead inside.

I got a "Thinking of You" card from psycho.
He's no more 'thinking' of me and my son than...ahhhhh, words escape me right now plus i've got the flu really bad.

I just want to say that I do talk about psycho to New Men. Because its MY reality. It happened. And, I weed out the emotionally constipated who cannot "hear" about him...because, well, it is what it is, and it ain't magically going away.

So: deal with it, dudes.

I'm through doing hand stands and being NICE.

Shit happens.

Pardon me:
Shit happened.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Ron7127
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Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. One of the toughest things i deal with is having allowed this to happen, especially to my kids. I've apologized to them and we are okay. It is amazing how stupid and weak I was. Never again. Never.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
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