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User Topic: N.P.D. Thread part VI
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bob the girls are afraid of losing you too. All the assurances in the world are not likely to make much difference.

I know many would not agree with this but, You need to have the divorce finished and give the girls some time to heal from all this before moving towards a stage where you are serious and spending quite a bit of time with someone new. The girls are behind the BS in healing and they need time to have some closure and get used to the idea that it is ok for you to move on.

I know that my oldest even expressed to me that he feels that me dating someone seriously would take away from his time with me. It is natural because we are their rock and their whole life is made stable and whole because we are able to be a parent to them. Anything that intrudes on that is a threat.

It might be helpful to have a specific time away from the girls to have time with the GF and to not have that time intrude on the time you focus on the girls. Have your "date night" and then when you do see her when she is "On Duty" you keep it to a platonic interaction. It will be hard but IMHO it would be the best way for the girls to make the transition. You can slowly increase the time you spend with the GF as time goes on but it sounds like the girls need some space to make the adjustment.

It is a hard adjustment, especially for girls (from what I understand). Give it some time and help your daughters know that you are there for them first of all. I know many people tell couples that they need to make their relationship come first and that children are second to that but I have to disagree when it comes to a situation where the couple are not the parents of the children and don't already have an established relationship. It needs to be very balanced and the children need to feel like they are important and that their needs will not be pushed aside because of this new person in their parent's life. They will test the limits so you have to be firm but loving and help them know that they are important and always will be.

The whole thing is alot of change in a short period of time and if rushed it will backfire on you.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lied,

You ROCK !!!

Thank you. I will heed your advice.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Bob,

I SO agree with Lied2 and I'm coming from the perspective of having been a daughter in similar shoes as your girls. They've gone through a terrible ordeal and are still going through it. Their world has been knocked out from under them. They need time and they need to feel safe and secure.

I know it's hard to go it alone and go through all the pain the NPD's put out. But don't you think you need some time as well? Maybe just move a little more slowly? Some really bad mistakes have been made when people have gone through such trauma and are vulnerable. I wonder a little why the nanny isn't more understanding as to what the girls are going through and thinks they are being manipulative. They are afraid, they don't want to lose you and they don't want to go through this ever again.

You are all so vulnerable right now and I think Lied2 has given some excellent advice. Good luck to you. I hope everything works out.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the others Bob. It may be a little too soon for the girls, especially as the relationship is going on within their own home. They may feel that the nanny was brought in to help and support them but is now becoming the support for their father. They are probably wondering why someone else is putting their feelings in second place.
As for their manipulation, it probably is a coping mechanism for this situation. They trust and rely on you and they don't want this to be taken away from them. You can hardly blame them.
This situation needs to be treated very carefully. Although I am pleased for you Bob, I think you may be going to quickly, both for yourself and the girls. I hope you don't mind me saying this to you.

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tribe))),
Thank you.

Here's some more info that may be helpful for explaining what is happening. I'd written some of this to a friend also:

I've known the Nanny for two years now. She's my friend first, writing partner second, nanny third, girlie friend fourth.

Her pregnancy was not planned. The father has never been there for her or the boy.

Healing. I'd thought long about these things. It's taken me a long time to approach the Nanny as more than a friend. At first we didn't know if we should pursue a relationship. She is well versed in all this stuff concerning relationships and PDs and stuff too. It's interesting.

I think my girls are mostly freaked out by seeing closeness between two people. Pretty much non-existent between STBXPDW and I until the end (false reconciliation). Non-existent in STBXPDW's family also.

I'd talked with DD13 yesterday and she felt that it was just weird that Nanny and I were nice to each other and cuddly. She didn't know what to make of it. LOL. I understand. She didn't know if it was right or wrong.

I think it's still all good.

I'm still listening for anything ya'll can throw at me. You are all so awesome !!!

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night stbx sent me a TM saying "hey y'all".

I think he was fishing for me to call him or something.
I don't call him unless it's about the kids.
I don't have time for it.
I sent him one back an hour or so later asking what's up.
No answer.
So I sent him one again later asking if he got my message.
So 2 hrs later he sends me one back saying "just driving".

Just what was the point of all that?

Was it just to jack me around and make me dangle while waiting for a response?
Or payback for the other day when I was honest w/him and he didn't like what I had to say?
That's what it feels like.
More NPD passive aggressive bullshit.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB,

"More NPD passive aggressive bullshit."

Yup.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But why even bother?
Is it worth his time to mess with me?
Is it because I don't give him attention anymore?
Like I told him the other day, he's got OW.
He doesn't need me anymore.
He hasn't wanted me in a long time.

Is it because he senses my indifference and drawing away from him?
That's the only thing I can figure that makes any sense.
I wish he'd just leave me alone and call OW.

I'm in a better place now and I don't need him or his BS.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((HB))),

It could be the proverbial control issues exhibited by the disordered. They seem to feel alive/get their jollys by causing other people to adjust to them.

PITA. LOL.

May he have a run in with a large bird thru his windshield that hasn't pooped yet today.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartless, yes, he's toying with you. Don't give him the satisfaction. Ignore text messages like that and don't respond. They can't stand being ignored and it's the only payback you're going to be able to get. If you don't respond, he will go away.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe,

Help! NPD contact tonight. I swear, if I get within 10 feet of him or speak more than 3 words to him, I end up in a horrible state. I wonder if he gets worked up too, or does he just go back to his whore all smiles? He is such an Ass F-ing Hole.

I am so not this person, but I seriously find myself wishing for horrible things to happen to him. OK, I would like him to just vanish. In a horrible, firey car crash

I hate feeling like this. I really do.

He has had the kids stay overnight at the whore's house for the last 2 overnights he's had. He sees nothing wrong with this. He has absolutely no ability to think of how this affects his kids. No f*cking clue. DS discovered that Wonderdad has a closet full of clothes in the whore's master bedroom. Nice.

I told him tonight at drop off that I would be contacting my lawyer about the overnights. Honestly, I don't know if I have any legal recourse, but he doesn't give a rat's ass about anything but himself - well, and his dick, of course.

Oh, what to do? My heart breaks for my kids.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BoB and OFU, y'all said the same thing my stepmomma said.

I'm beginning to look at it like Dreamy said about "don't feed the beast".
I think it was Dreamy that said it.
Anyway, it seems to fit the situation well.

I look at it this way, he's had OW for his "go to" person for over 2 yrs now, he needs to continue to "go to" her to feed his need.
I'm done, mofo.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'm done too.
unbeknownst to wifey, i found out yesterday she paid for a room at a local motel 18 days ago. i'm 300 miles away. it was in the middle of the week. oh yeah, 2 days before she was with me.

yesterday, i got the crumb of crumbs; "tell me what your heart needs" - like she's really turning a new leaf.
of course i stammered out something lame. want to keep the lid on what i know. it's hard for me not to go full bore & get some PI to get the front desk tape - you know, see how she's dressed, see WHO was with her maybe.
then i figured,
what. the. hell.
why. bother.

i don't know how it'll play out.
i hope to meet w/ loiya sometime this week.
move this D along.

she has no clue i know she spent 50 bucks on a hotel room in the middle of the week.
just damn


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tribe)))

Had my parents over today for barbeque and swimming. It was a nice afternoon, but I'm in a funk. Had that bad "conversation" with NPD STBXH last night. Still fuming about his taking the kids on overnights at the whore's house. Still knowing that he will move in with her in a few weeks. He was still blaming me for the break up of our marriage and family. It's all my fault - yeah.

It's frustrating that he gets to go on deluding himself and others about what happened in our marriage. He gets to keep all the friends. He just moves his shit from one closet to another - instant home and family. He gets to be "in luuuvvv".

I get blamed. Abused. Ignored. I get to pick up the pieces of my children's broken hearts, as well as my own. I struggle with keeping up the house, yard and pool. I am worrying about finances and my future. I am left feeling alone. Lost. Hopeless.

I hate this. I hate him. I hate her.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((WB2)))

It's hard. One day, your world will be all yours again. And it will be your world. No "NPD Freak" in tow.

I find that this helps me to be grounded and has helped me in the aftermath of NPD Exposure:

Sit quietly. On the floor. Back straight. Cross legged.
Breathe. Breathe into your belly. Smile. Follow your breathe. Close your eyes. Smile.
As thoughts come and go, as feelings come and go, let them pass. Just watch them.

Peace.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB,
He's toying with you. When he's sends those little "hey y'all" messages, he's most likely trying to get a reaction. It's like he's tossing out a carrot to see if you'll still take it.

I'd leave it alone if I were you. Unless he calls and states something specific, IGNORE him. I think he's just feeling you out to see how much control he still has over you.

Hang in there.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
gillianbx
♀ Member
Member # 18465
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just read the N.P.D.I thread intro and my heart just broke in two (again). I am sitting here crying great big bubbling tears because I finally realize that it was not my fault.
I was married to an extremely narcississtic man who wanted to destroy me emotionally and I never understood that it was because he had a psychological illness. I always somehow thought that there was something wrong with me and I was not good enough and if I just gave a little bit more, I could fix things.
Wow. You don't know what a relief this is to read this and realize that he tried to suck the life out of me because I was so loving and giving and capable and beautiful.
Thank you.


"If you want to change your reality, change your focus. If you want to change your focus, change the questions you ask yourself. Questions control your focus, therefore questions control your own experience of life." -Kobi Yamada


Posts: 128 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: missouri
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wounded - it is the injustice that does me in as well sometimes. I get to pick up the pieces in every sense whilst he gets a new life and is in love! Except that it is not love but at the moment he is living it up to the max and playing a wonderful part. He even turned up in a new sports car yesterday! This is the man with no credit, no money etc etc. I wonder who is paying?? My older, uglier replacement no doubt!
Even though I am not materialistic I just felt a moment of envy. I had to remind myself that he was rotten to the core with a small manhood and I didn't want him anymore!!

Wounded - you just have to pick yourself up the next day and keep plodding in the right direction. One day we will get the life and relationship we deserve. I least thats what I keep saying to myself!

HB - sounds like he is doing the typical npd trick of casting out a line to see who is biting. Not you though! Keep well away. He is not someone you want or need at the moment.

gillian - there's plenty of reading material from us lot! The more you read it feels like your head will explode! But one thing will be clear it was not your fault. These people are disordered. Scarily so.


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My older, uglier replacement no doubt.

That just struck me funny. And it reminds me so much of my own situation.

My XNPDH left me with a mountain of debt, total confusion over what happened, what I did wrong, and in the worse state of depression I can ever remember feeling in my life.

Then to add salt to the wounds, he just waltzes off with OW, builds a brand new home, has a NEW SPORTS CAR (on terrible credit) a brand new motor-cycle.....the list goes on and on.

I couldn't believe it. I was scraping by, borrowing from my parents, working every minute I could, trading off and selling everything I could, driving an older vehicle with more miles on it, all in order to save money and save my home.

Now seven years later, I've got my bills paid down, I saved my home, and turned things around for myself and the bill collectors are CALLING LOOKING FOR HIM!!!

I just love it!!!!

I thought that my older, uglier replacement no doubt had been paying all of his bill off too, but I guess not. She bought the house, but maybe she didn't put his name on it.

I never thought that any of this would come back to bite my XNPDH and it's coming around. It's taking a long time, but it's rounding the corner.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 9:48 PM, June 30th (Monday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Tribe! Just popping in for a minute. I had to kind of pace myself because I'm living the NPD nightmare and rehashing it wasn't doing me much good. Paranoid Pete is now crashing and burning over oil prices: it's the media's fault for saying that the prices are getting higher, because that kind of negative speculation jacks up the prices. He can't do anything about that, so our relationship needs to be fixed! Because he can't deal with bad things happening all over!

(his definition of fixing? me kissing his ass)

Anyhow, lied2, I can imagine that even though the counseling session went badly, that was probably the best possible thing that could have happened. There was no violence, and everybody got to see him make an ass out of himself.

Bob: While it may be time for you to start dating again, I think it is a bit too close for the girls. It would be like you dating their teacher, only the relationship to them is even closer. Here comes this woman and she becomes babysitter. What happens if the two of you break up? Proceed with extreme caution.

[This message edited by veritas at 3:40 PM, June 30th (Monday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

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