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User Topic: N.P.D. Thread part VI
marymom
♀ Member
Member # 15948
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just had to laugh at the gas prices.

Me and my STBX had to go to domestic relations to get my oldest who turned 18 off.

He asked for..... A GAS ALLOWANCE! yup. He said he would have to quit his job if he didn't get a gas allowance of the CS for my youngest!

I told him right there to ride his fancy motorcylce instaed of his huge truck to work...

They were not happy.

Good new is.....my support got reduced by only 30$ a month....

ASSES...all of em.


Husband walked out on me and the kids with my BF 6/04. NC with me and the kids. They broke up 9/07. Filed for D 9/04. Still not done. Back together with her 10/7. Living in her Dad's basement apt.

Posts: 156 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: NW PA
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeow, so much I can relate to on this page here lately. I was driving home thinking about how I feel like the OW is living MY life. I feel like I've been body snatched. He sucked all my insides out and I'm nothing but a shell now.

Wounded: "He just moves his shit from one closet to another - instant home and family. He gets to be "in luuuvvv". Wow, did that ever hit home with me. It's like he was a tornado and left me in complete devastation and there he sits in the new life playing with all his "toys." Just moved on in. Lied about it all when it happened as well. It was ALL my fault. I'm crazy. Poor him. THANK GOODNESS he found HER or I'd have destroyed him. By the way, he told me "marriage should be effortless." Yeah, for him.

I was thinking a lot of nasty, bad thoughts on the way home. Here's my fantasy: He finds out he has some permanent illness that leaves him incapacitated and she has to wait on him hand and foot, emptying bed pans etc. No income so she has to get two jobs. I sigh the sigh of relief and think of what a bullet I dodged. Who knew? YAY! Oh, if only it were true.

These #$%!#$!##!^%#!# NPD $@$!^%$!%$!#%^$!#. Okay, like Bob says, breathe, breathe.

Hello Gillian. (clearing my acting out anger now) I well remember when I found out it was him and not me. It felt fantastic. It's a big step but still there's much to deal with. Lots of wonderful people here with great advice who are good listeners. Welcome.



Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gillian, I can remember all the years of being blamed for everything.

I even came up with a snarky saying about it whenever I got blamed for something.
I'd tell him "Yeah, be a MAN, blame it on the wife".

Sadtoo, I think you're right about the carrot thing.
I just hope he doesn't start using the "stick".
Things could get real uuugly.
I ain't takin' it no more.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
StungAgain
♀ Member
Member # 13283
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI everyone,

It is a long weekend here, no one has to go to work till Wednesday!!!

Went and saw my new therapist today, and as expected it stirred up a whole bag of shit. My situation with my roommates is touchy, but we are working thru things. day by day, breath by breath I hear people say.

I am still catching up on the posts so give me a bit and I will respond to you all. :)

SA


BS 41 (me)
H 42
'GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS...
YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM,
BUT YOU KNOW THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE.'

Posts: 822 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: British Columbia,Canada
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bob,

NPD Exposure - love that phrase. Like the disease that it is.

I am going to try your breathing technique next time.

Marymom -- A gas allowance?? What a tool!

Gillian -- ((((hugs)))) and welcome to this group. I have found that not too many people IRL have any idea what dealing with these people is like. Here, we have seen and heard everything. You will get the best advice on how to deal with your freak NPD.

Stung -- I'm glad you've found an IC. Keep working through this stuff.

jj -- sorry to hear about your discovery of a motel bill. Sucks. Did you get to the lawyer's today?

(((Tribe))) Hugs and strength to everyone dealing with the disordered today.

Tonight I had the unfortunate pleasure of seeing the Whore in her truck on the way home from work. Always a nice way to end the work day.

NPD has been quiet since our run-in on Saturday night, so I'm feeling more calm today. I'm taking the rest of the week off work. As far as I'm behind at work, I SOOO need a break. I'm going to sleep late, read, watch daytime TV and spend time with the kids. Looking forward to seeing the Terra Cotta Warriors which are on exhibit here locally. I'm taking the kids on Wednesday and my parents are joining us. I just hope DD doesn't get too whiney. I can just hear her, "OMG, Mom how many of these ugly statues do we have to look at??? Gotta love 9 y/o girls.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
cjonesjag
♀ Member
Member # 10617
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm living the NPD nightmare and rehashing it wasn't doing me much good

A lot of times this is really really true.

I'm still reading kids!!

I just sometimes cannot rehash all the horribleness. Its awful. I'm really getting back to the old *me*, and things are becoming SO very clear.

The control, the manipulation...all the crap I just kind of brushed off a long time ago and didn't pay any attention to. All those red freaking flags were THERE.

Oh the lies. OMFG the lies! If I hadn't gone to middle/high school with him, I'd doubt that he'd even told me his real name. I don't understand it, but reading the "false self" book and Vaknins' "Malignant self-love" helps.

How, how, HOW does a person lie so easily and so effortlessly? I know...its all part of the *presentation* they MUST have, but HOLY BATMAN...I just can't even imagine.

See what happens when I stop in to say *hi*? I start in on a rant...but only you guys would understand..

Carry on...


Me (BS):50
Him(WTFH):51 Married: 05/26/2002
DD#1: 09/2005 (EA) DD#2: 09/2006
Mini-DDays: Many. Mostly online
DIVORCED 10/20/10
It's not what you've got, it's what you give.
It ain't the life you choose, it's the life you live

Posts: 6400 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Michigan
gillianbx
♀ Member
Member # 18465
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is a story that you may have not heard yet. Not only was I married to an NPD man but the last five years of our marriage he moved his NPD mother into my house and refused to move her out. Between the two of them (tag-team) I was stupid, fat, ugly, a bad mother, a horrible cook, a worse housecleaner. My breastmilk wasn't even good enough for my youngest daughter! I could never figure out why both of them despised me so much and do you know? I worked so hard to be better. I thought I just wasn't giving enough. So, I gave more. ANd more and more and more.
Reading the information here has been so helpful because I can finally see why they chose me. They chose to suck the life out of me because I was already so giving and caring and gracious and loving.
Wow! After the hell that I went through, it is wonderful to finally see that I didn't deserve it. (I think that was my secret fear: that somehow I deserved it because I wasn't good enough.)
Again, Thank you so much!!!!


"If you want to change your reality, change your focus. If you want to change your focus, change the questions you ask yourself. Questions control your focus, therefore questions control your own experience of life." -Kobi Yamada


Posts: 128 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: missouri
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gillian,
OMG. I can't imagine how horrible that had to be. My MIL (monster-in-law) was an awful witch too, but living with her.....ugh. I shudder to think.

Welcome. I'm glad you're finding answers. I remember when I found out too. The hair on the back of my neck stood staight up and I had that same feeling. "It's not me."

It's so freeing.

((((Hugs)))


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
gillianbx
♀ Member
Member # 18465
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not only is it not me but the best part about finding this out was learning that the reason why these vampires chose to berate me and hurt me was because I was such a great person. OMG. I cried for half an hour when I read that part of the NPD thread. I finally felt OK again.


"If you want to change your reality, change your focus. If you want to change your focus, change the questions you ask yourself. Questions control your focus, therefore questions control your own experience of life." -Kobi Yamada


Posts: 128 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: missouri
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((gillian))) Trust me, it's not you! My MIL was all sweetness and light to my face, but she used to laugh at me with her son behind my back and encourage to behave like a total asshole. After the divorce, I hope like hell to never have to speak to that woman again; she's as evil as he is.

marymom: The legend of Paranoid Pete didn't end there. Last night, he was ranting and raving because he was convinced that someone has been siphoning gas from his truck. He was adamant that he filled the tank up to the tippy top and parked it, but when he got in it Monday, there was some gas missing. Uh, could it have been from the poker game you went to Saturday night? Oh yeah....

Then he tells me that he's not putting up with any more craziness and I am poisoning the children with how I ignore him. First of all, I don't ignore him. There have been occasions in the past where he has thought that I have ignored him because he mumbles and he talks low and my hearing was damaged a couple of years ago when I went through a wall. His brother stayed with us after Katrina (this was before my hearing was damaged) and NPD said something from a few rooms away. I said okay and his brother looked at me in disbelief; he couldn't understand a single thing. I told him that I had to understand, otherwise there would be hell to pay if he thought I was ignoring him. On those occasions, he has just about screamed the house down. I used to turn my phone off at work, but I can't anymore because one weekend I forgot to put it back on and he called and when I didn't answer, he screamed for four hours. So no, I do not ignore him.

On the other hand, I followed him through 3 rooms the other day, asking what he wanted for dinner and getting no answer before finally getting fed up and saying, "I'm cooking thus and such for dinner unless you have any better ideas." "Oh, I don't want that. I don't know what I want, but I don't want that."

I talked to Ian about how he supposedly ignored his grandfather, and he told me that he did not remember ignoring his grandfather at all. So I went to NPD and asked him what question it was, and I just about fell out when I heard it. "Describe World of Warcraft." The boy eats, sleeps and dreams Warcraft. I pulled a page filled with descriptions of a Warcraft scenario out of his pocket last night. When I got home, he was writing another one. I knew then that he probably was not ignoring his grandfather, but trying to figure out how to answer the question without having to speak for days, and also trying to find a starting point. Sure enough, when I asked him about that particular question, he did remember and told me exactly what I suspected. I then told him that it was perfectly okay to say, "I can't answer that in a couple of sentences," and that although some people might take it as a snarky response it was better than saying nothing.

NPD could have easily diffused that situation by guiding Ian with leading questions that could be answered in 100 words or less, but he allowed his hatred of me to manipulate the situation to where everybody felt uncomfortable so he could badmouth me and tell lies. The children are just collateral damage. And then he believes his own hype and comes to me with that bullshit. Like I told him, I'm not putting up with THAT sort of craziness. You can tell your people whatever lies you want to, but don't come to me with it. You forget yourself: I'm actually HERE. I know what's going on. The truth is not going to change just because you said so.

*it's a laugh a minute around here, I tell ya...*


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he told me "marriage should be effortless."

Mine said that same thing. It was only when I did all the work that it was effortless. He didn't do much other than go out to work. He did very little else. It was funny to see him in counceling telling them that he always worked 12-15 hours day and was never home. (funny I don't remember that, he worked like that occasionally but he certainly was home atleast 2 days a week and if he had worked all the time we would have had more money coming in). definite twists in reality.

I thought I just wasn't giving enough. So, I gave more. ANd more and more and more.


That was me as well. I learned to all the home renovations in addition to caring for the 2 special needs kids, at times working on the side. It was very enough to stop his complaining and belittling so I would do more.


I realized today that I didn't even trigger on my antiversary. I guess it didn't register for me after he got remarried at the beginning of the month. His chaos is now someone else's problem for the most part. If he never gives us his home phone number then he won't be trying to see the kids or anything. :) I love it. Life without him is so much better.
Happy Canada Day everyone.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((gillianbx)))
Welcome to the (((Tribe))) of Lightbulbs and Toasters, AKA: The N-Survivors Club, AKA: The Club of and From Hell, AKA: The Island of Misfit Toys, AKA: The Clan of the Phoenixes Who Will Rise Again,
Glad that you have found some answers to the nightmare that has been.

(((Tribe))),
LOL. STBXPDW has submitted a Parenting Plan. LOL. She wants DDs four days a week, joint custody, etc. Interesting.

All is good here. Nanny issues have subsided. A lot of time spent withh DDs and chatting. Thier issues have been addressed and they are happy snappy again. DD9 asked if she should call Nanny "MoM". "Why?", I asked. "Cause I don't have a mom and Nanny acts more like a mom than my mom."
I told her that Nanny isn't to replace her mom and that she has a mom. She just reiterated that her mom isn't a mom.
Talked with STBXPDW as DDs and I and Nanny and DS are taking a trip. She was fine with it.
The last report I'd gotten from the "streets" is that STBXPDW would fit the description of the term "Coke Whore". Ouch. A friends friend was in the bar that STBXPDW works at and saw her and a Dude and his friend sneak into the bathroom to snort. STBXPDW was also nursing a bottle of Vodka that nite. The friends friend does not know STBXPDW but was telling my friend about some messed up girl working at he bar. Interesting.

All is good in BoB Land.

(((JJCT))),
The revelations will never end. It appears to be part and parcel of the "NPD Way". Hope your OK, Buddy.

(((Veritas))),
Nice to hear from you. I still want to poke Pete in the eyes with 2x4's.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Tribe, just another day in Paradise.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gillian, N's hate successful, nice pople that others like or admire. It takes the focus off them. Thye only like it when a spouse's success reflects on them. They'll brag about you to others as it makes them look better. But, they will depise you privately as they are envious. And, they are especially good at making good people believe poorly of themselves, doubting themselves.
My XNPD would say things like"people like you and think you are so nice. But, I know the real you." With the knowledge that N's mask themselves to the outside world, for a long time I thought I was disordered and putting up a front for everyone,like N's do.
I was fortunate in that my X's family knew me well and told me my X is a conscienless, sociopath(redundant, I know) with a history of lying and cheating. The folks that really know her really know her.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been doing some thinking about NPD's and wondering what causes it.
Is it something they're born with?
Is it from a toxic family background?

Do all NPD's have toxic or dysfunctional families?

From what I understand, there's no cure.
But can it be treated or managed?

What can we do to protect ourselves from getting involved w/ an NPD in the future?
I don't want to fall into the same routines in the future.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's a debate on this causation thing. Most of the stuff I've read says it is a combo of genes and childhood trauma. But, if you look into the background of folks in relationships with NPD's, you'll often find they themselves had less than ideal childhoods, too. But, rather than being formed into a N, they go the other way and become folks that are vulnerable to N's.
I think it is strongly genetic. It does run in families but, often, you'll see other members of the family that are normal. In fact my XW's family all see her as abberrant(sp?).
I noticed in both my X's who I feel are disordered, they had an intense fear and dislike of their moms> Both mom's are extremely contolling and passive aggressive. One is truly a N, all concerned with her next cosmetic surgery and social standing> Ever see the Mary Tyler Moore character in "Ordinary People"? There's a true N and my first wife's mom was a clone(so, is the first XW, come to think of it).

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning, Tribe! I just wanted to wish everyone a happy and safe 4th of July.

NPD STBXH has the kids today. Both of them have colds. DD is worse than DS. NPD is planning on taking them to a party, and neither one really wants to go there. DS really doesn't want to go. Should be an interesting day for my NPD. I'm betting that he'll call and ask if he bring the kids home early. You know he won't want to deal them whining when he is trying to spend quality time with OW.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Balancing Act
♀ Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((TRIBE)))

Happy 4th!!!

wounded - What a cryin' shame it will be when your NPD can't reach you to bring the kiddies back to you.....


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been doing some thinking about NPD's and wondering what causes it.
Is it something they're born with?
Is it from a toxic family background?
Do all NPD's have toxic or dysfunctional families?

It does seem to be a combination of genetics and environment. The environment is usually bad before the child would have had memory of it (age 2-3) so they would likely have no idea that their childhood was horrible in a way that causes them to for a "mask". It doesn't have to be the whole family that is toxic, just someone who had a really influencial part in the NPD's life. (mom or dad etc. ) It seems to cause a form of psychological abuse that causes them to use the behaviours as a defense mechanism and they are so coupled with those mechanisms that they can't stop using them to function.

From what I understand, there's no cure.
But can it be treated or managed?

The bahaviours can be managed with treatment. Unfortunately the treatment process is very difficult for the therapist because of how the person will be idolized and then demonized etc. and there are very few people who are able to work effectively with someone with NPD. I am under the impression that there are a few people who are doing research on effective treatments but it is very little and likely with few real results. The other issue is that the disorder usually means that the person does not see themselves as having a problem that needs therapy so engaging them in therapy is a waste of time. The few who do realize they have issues and that they will lose alot if they don't get therapy will usually not make lasting changes to their behaviours. (this is basically what happened with my ex. We did alot of therapy over the years. He does know he has real problems but is unwilling to make real lasting changes and thus drops therapy after a time and reverts back to his behaviours. Each time it takes more and more to engage him in therapy and the last time he basically felt he was being picked on and walked out. I bet he will never return. He might try again at some point if he is threatened by his wife in order to save their marriage one day - they have been married 3 weeks now, only a matter of time before therapy will be needed ) Don't hold your breath that therapy will be an answer since they do damage to you and any children while they are working on themselves. Best to get out and stay out and let them self-destruct IMHO.

What can we do to protect ourselves from getting involved w/ an NPD in the future?
I don't want to fall into the same routines in the future.

I hear you. I would think you would want to look for actions that make you wonder about their character. DO they treat people they have "rejected" or who have "rejected" them poorly? Do they demonize people but threat you like a queen/king? In my opinion those a real red flags.

Does the person lie and believe their lies? Is the person unusually selfish and would harm someone to get ahead? Does the person live in a fantacy world that is not based on reality? Can they admit they are wrong?

If these flags are present in quanitity I would say RUN. They are not things that make a person whole and healthy. These days I place the bar pretty high for those I consider allowing into my life. I'd rather be safe than sorry.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a cryin' shame it will be when your NPD can't reach you to bring the kiddies back to you.....

Exactly! I might be sipping a cocktail at the edge of the pool and not hear that phone ringing inside the house. Then I just might not notice that there is message until much, much later.

He is such an ass. I packed the kids' swimsuits, and DS was going to call NPD, so I told DS to make sure that his dad has beach towels and sunblock for them. I get so tired of having them drag dirty, sopping wet towels home for me to launder, so I figure that he or OW can do that from now on. Anyway, he gives DS an earful of: your mother has a stack of towels that you could bring over, but she doesn't want to give them up. Whatever.

So, when he picks the kids up today, he says, "Oh, yeah, when you have a chance I want half of the beach towels. Since you don't seem to want to send any over with the kids." I told him, "Fine. I'm just tired of being the one to wash them all time. I'll give you some if you're going to take charge of them."

What an ass. I'm going to give him the most sorry-assed towels we have. Maybe even a couple from the car wash rag box.

Now, I need to find that cocktail. Oh, Cabana Boy, where are you?? I wish.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
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