I also feel quite distant from people these days, like I am not really engaged with them. These friends of mine, who were so supportive when I divorced, are making these decisions with me and it makes me loose respect for them. Some of them are seeing married men, others are going for anyone just to say they have a bloke, another friend has started smoking again just because her new bloke does etc etc. I sound a right miserable cow but I look at them and think that they are all compromising themselves. I guess I had so many years of doing that, that I just don't like to see it anymore. It makes me think I could never have a relationship ever again. Combined with my lack of self-esteem issues, the fact I have no confidence in my appearance etc etc seems to ensure I will be on my own forever! I can't even try internet dating as I feel too insecure. The legacy of my freak. Bastard.
Happy 4th July!
It's not worth lowering your standards. You deserve to have someone wonderful in your life. Give it time.
[This message edited by sadtoo at 7:50 AM, July 5th (Saturday)]
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)
I try so hard to not pick everyone apart but I just can't help myself. I would rather be alone than settle. I know it would drive me over the edge to go through this all again. I know it will be a very special person who can handle being evaluated as I get to know them. I just can't help myself. I swear it is worse because I have kids and Really don't want to put them through the pain if I did get involved with someone seriously. I Know in time it will happen.
I have to admit that over time I am feeling less broken and my self-esteem is slowly going up. I have alot of offer someone and they will need to be able to give back. I have to admit that I am wondering if I am not going through a midlife crisis of sorts because I am also very aware of the fact that my kids are growing up and that I have a limited amount with my kids and they will be grown. I don't want to miss out on that time by being so focused on having a man in my life (because society seems to evaluate you based on if you have a mate ot not). I am a worthwhile person even if I am divorced (from a scumbag) and alone. Anyone who can't deal with that can kiss my....
As for people who settle I just have to look at the ex's new wife and what she settled for. It sends shivers down my spine thinking I could still be dealing with that. I feel so lucky.
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
However, he has seen some of what I have been through and is very understanding about my state of mind. He was here to see some of the damage my XNPDH has done through his continued efforts of stalking, terrorism, vandalism, etc. My SO said that had he not seen it with his own eyes, he would not believe it because it is all so bizarre.
This is just one more thing that we as survivors have to deal with. The damage and the rubble that is left behind from these monsters is so unspeakable that even if we could articulate what happened, it would be unbelievable to the average person.
I remember in the beginning. Nobody understood. Nobody could believe that "he" could be doing all of these things I was accusing him of doing. I had to be exaggerating or something, after all he was such a nice guy.
You are right. It does take a very, very special person.
[This message edited by sadtoo at 12:16 PM, July 5th (Saturday)]
Nobody understood. Nobody could believe that "he" could be doing all of these things I was accusing him of doing. I had to be exaggerating or something, after all he was such a nice guy
Isnt' that the truth. Even still, no one can believe that he has had multiple affairs, impregnanted several women, and demanded me to have an abortion or it was a divorce.
My STBXH (final this week)is this "nicest" guy in the whole world. Everybody loves him. Until they get to know him that is. He moved in with this guy he worked with and he got kicked out within a month.
I just started reading this thread, as my counselor said he was NPD. wow, it amazes me that what is wrong with him has a name, and im not as crazy and stupid as he has liked to say i am.
*sigh* I'm exhausted dealing from dealing with him today,
finding tribe like sad & lied, so so many! that understood!
what it was like to not be believed.
i think it's that - that has kept me from the deeper stuff. it's there. but i just can't seem to articulate it in anything but verse.
i think it's become my way of healing. i'm pretty sure it's ok, also, i think it's ok to be here. i feel like i'm with understanding friends and i love you all.
she doesn't know that i know about the motel6. i'm afraid. but it's something i'm going to make work FOR me. I have been thinking about the "reveal" (the best 'how to', that is).
I hope this works - I've never done either before -
photobucket OR doggins, lol!
& elefino why it's not posting the pic!
but this is after "the ordeal" lol.
she's a little 'new' to her new skin...
she's a perfect dog.
Mine gets all freaked at mirrors. It is like she thinks the dog in the mirror is anther dog instead of her. It is cute as heck.
My dog is such a sweety and as much a light as my kids.
You must've had quite a time with those doggies! My little handful has regressed in his house training. Rather, I have likely regressed in my remembering to take him outside frequently. Ah, puppies! Good thing they're so darn cute...
Welcome to this place. You will find that those of us posting here understand fully what you're dealing with.
Yes, this, struck a chord once again with me:
I think this is something that we've all experienced, and I think it's one of the hardest things to deal with in NPD-land. It really hurts that our perspective and our "story" will never be truly heard or understood or considered.
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
Do any of you wonder about this:
"If it was really so bad, why did you stay with him?" What is the answer to that?
Why did I put up with it for so long? Why couldn't I see how bad it was? Why didn't I realize that he was abusing me and my kids? Why couldn't I see this until the "bomb" was dropped on me? Why can I see it so clearly now in retrospect? Why did I allow him to obliterate "me"? Why didn't I see it and leave?
I fell upon the same kinds of questions. My IC lead me to the question "What were you getting out of it?". We certainly were not in the abusive relationship because we are stupid, ignorant , or naive. But obviously we stayed; so we must have been getting something out of it.
This has got to be one of the hardest questions to deal with. But it also appears to have been one of the last in my healing process. It is also a key to unlock the dynamics of other relationships in your life.
How to answer the question? I started by looking at an answer to a much earlier question. The question of What do you want in your life? My early answer to that was peace, the same as many other victims of NPD. Then I had to look at what was not peaceful about the relationship, how I responded to those situations, and how I continued the patterns.
Along the way, it is important to remember the only thing you can control is yourself. Don't let the memories tangent you from the mission of finding the answer that only concerns you.
May I also mention that this statement:
"Since I was so horrible to you, I would think you would be happy that I'm gone."
is really just a form of blame shifting. The N is looking for your permission to continue to pass the guilt of their own bad behavior onto you. Don't fall for this one. Remember what would have made us all happy would have been a loyal, faithful, honest spouse. We own no part in their choices. Being "happy" to be rid of them is only a "next best" alternative.
Many positive thoughts for you.
Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles
WB2, my answer to your question about why did I stay w/my NPD is that he gave me just enough to give me a false cruel hope and a desire for more.
Plus, the fact of being made to think that whatever fuckup of the day/week/month/year was my fault.
He called me bytchh for years.
He knew it was an instant pissoff button to push.
I don't know how many hundreds of times over the yrs I asked him not to do that.
Did he stop?
I didn't know that was a red flag all those yrs.
Now I do.
Now I know it was him showing me no respect and manipulating me.
So one day I decided if I'm going to be accused of being one I might as well be the biggest baddest one of all and let him taste just how much of a bytchh I can be.
I don't like being one, but don't push me.
Fallen,the question about what you were getting out of it...
I think you have to look at it a different way.
Like "what did you THINK you were getting out of it?".
I think NPDSTBX was so good to keep me thinking I was getting something out of it.
I thought I had a decent husband.
He didn't drink, didn't beat me, didn't rape me,didn't do drugs, was good with the kids (or so I thought back then).
I thought I had a decent M.
Sure we had some problems, what M doesn't?
But I thought we could deal with anything.
We've had some bad times together over the years but we had a major debt monkey we were finally close to getting off our back and financially things would've been better.
I was looking for ward to having the kids in college in a few years and going on the truck w/him and spending more time w/him.
It's hard being a trucker's W.
You have to handle all the day to day stuff by yourself.
Like if a pipe breaks and water's shooting everywhere.
I can't help that he decided he wasn't happy w/his life.
I just thought he was hitting some kind of male MLC starting back in 2003 and if I just kept on being myself, taking care of the daily stuff, and gave him some room to work it out, he'd be ok.
Boy, was I ever frikken' wrong!
i stayed because i am a good and true person with alot of love in me.
i even spent (xyz time, energy, effort) trying to fix things. it took awhile to figure it out, but hell, even i can see the difference between fixing things (doing all that was demanded of me for the marriage)
& fixing *you*.
sure, it's *taken time* - because of how much i loved you and cared, and because it took *this long* for this sharp-as-a-marble sufferer to finally get it that you could not be fixed (by me, anyway).
& downfall -
"Since I was so horrible to you, I would think you would be happy that I'm gone."
is really just a form of blame shifting.
Why isn't the answer simply "Yeah, i AM happy!" (the N is out of my life)?
that would seem to make:
Being "happy" to be rid of them is only a "next best" alternative.
more like the "best alternative" - to me.
maybe i'm missing something -
highly likely, lol!
i'm just trying to simplify some of this crazy crap so i can understand it (remember, i gots me a duhgree)...
my *tough question* is;
"If I was all into the OM, wouldn't I want a divorce? Why do you hear me say I don't want a D?"
answering to her; "because you want your cake..." just does not seem satisfying enough. doesn't have the BOOM i'm looking for.
It's always good to hear that others get stuck on these same issues. It so often comes back to the same self-doubt -- thinking that I was foolish or stupid. At least I am past feeling like I deserved any of it, or caused any of it. One step at a time, I guess.
Thanks for the support today.