(((all)))The feelings of being used and abused are tough. What we tolerated is really difficult to get your head around. My IC tells me that I was so focused on "the mission" of raising a family and keeping things together that I was unable to focus any attention on myself or to realize how oppressive things really were.
Ron, you and I were posting simultaneously last night, and I could've written every word of your post myself. I also feel horrible that my children were victims of his behaviors too. DS13 has been in IC with anxiety disorder for 2 years - related? Maybe. Like you, I apologized to him in tears one night.
I just wish I could remove him from my life entirely. He cast me aside, but won't let me live my life. The crazy-making is just too much.
Like you, NPDSTBXH is the only man that I've been with. I don't know if I will ever be able to love and trust and give myself fully to another person ever again. I hate him for taking this away from me. Bastard.
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
I hope I never meet another person like this or, if i do, i have the skills to spot this shit and run.
Ron - I'll drink to that!!
I'm not even sure I know who I ever was because both parents were NPD. Almost as soon as I left them, I picked up him.
All I can suggest is to avoid contact with him as much as possible. I know it will be hard because you have kids but keep it short and businesslike and ignore everything you can. They feed off that attention. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad. They just suck it right up and if they can't get it, eventually they will go elsewhere for it.
It seems like we all have that "How could I have been so stupid?" theme in common. That IS a tough one for me. I struggle with it every day.
I loved your MC comment about being on a mission-that was me,blinkers on and just doing for my kids the best i could and even though my Rumplestiltskin benefited from that a lot of years its the "Now" that I'm living in that counts-they areall close,loving and supportive to me and have individually chosen to have nothing to do with him.
"Out"-as you know us longtimers have these feelings of stupidity etc but I like to think that I got the best of him too,my family which has now extended to another generation-just one gorgeous three year old so far but looking forward to more!
I too have been with one man for 34 years and my hat goes off to you daters out there-way too scared for that-but hopefully my best years are still in front of me with whatever they might bring and he only wins if I allow him to ruin that for me too.Haven't got the answer to that yet-work in progress.
((Dream)))-just caught your last post-thinking of you at this time
Try to think positive.
Sorry for what you're dealing with. Do you have an attorney? Have you filed? Is he out of the house because he was ordered by the courts to be out, is this just an agreement between the two of you?
The problem with NPD's is that they do not respect boundaries AT ALL. And they are control freaks. They don't respect their spouse as an individual, they see them as "property." All of these things make it extremely difficult going through a divorce with these people. Even though the NPD may want OUT, they have an extremely difficult time letting go of the control of the relationship, the money, the house, the marital property, the car, the yard, the spouse, the kids, etc.
Sharing? A completely foreign concept to the NPD. Difficult, if not impossible for them to do.
Give us a little more info on your situation and we'll try to help a little better.
I've experienced the stalker. It is no fun at all. If he keeps this up, you may have to get the RO. Better safe than sorry.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)
The stalking thing is very unsettling.
He moved out of the house in January. He now insists to me (and certainly to others) that I "kicked him out". I'm not sure he figures this, since he had the key to his new apartment in his pocket. He wanted to stay for 2 more weeks so he could move his "stuff". I told him to be gone in 2 days. Ass.
I allowed him to have visitation with the kids in my house after school, since this was the routine. He would leave when I got home, and 2 nights he would take them to dinner. His presence bothered me, he would often get me upset and crying, but I thought this was best for the kids.
The control issues are making me crazy. He was calling the mornings and checking with the kids to see what they were doing (and me)- checking to see that we were running on time for school.
He was begging for sex. Making sexual advances. Groping, leering, etc. I finally gave in one night - huge mistake. Then a couple weeks later he started in with the begging. Then he called me at 11:00 pm asking if he could come over. I had the feeling that he was out in front of the house, but I didn't look. 2 nights later he called again, but this time, I asked where he was, and what do you know - he was parked outside my house. He began urging me to meet him in the garage or the backyard for some "fun" He actually went into the backyard, and I turned my light off and waited a few minutes to hear him drive off. The next morning he drove to the house because he "knew I wasn't going to get the kids to school on time", and I passed him on the way out of my tract. He called my cell and berated me for the kids' tardiness, and then starts asking me to come to the house for a little "playtime". Sure enough, he was out front of my house again. I called the lawyer that day. On her advice, I had a strongly worded conversation with him stating that he was to stop calling in the mornings, to stop harassing me, to stop asking for sex, and to not call the house after 9:30.
This lasted for less than a week. Then the morning calls started. Then requests to see my t*ts, etc. This time I sent him an email reoutlining these boundaries and telling him to leave me alone.
Then last week he deleted DSs W*rld *f W*rcr*ft software from the computer at the house. DS was livid. So was I. I told him that he was no longer welcome to come into my home. He blew a gasket. Raging about how he owns half the house and everything in it, and I can't keep him out, yada, yada. Then on Monday of this week he was leaving my cul-de sac as I was coming in with the kids in the car at 9:15 pm. DD asked him about it the next day and he admitted to her that he was checking to see that we were home. Another call to the attorney.
Now she is sending a letter to his attorney requesting that they direct their client to stop these behaviors. The order to show cause was sent to his attorney's office, so they should have that (with my declaration). I'm sure a shitstorm will hit when he sees the things that are in there - I'm sure he neglected to mention to his A that Child Services had been out to the house in January and that he has been stalking me.
I'm not really afraid of him, but it is creepy, and I don't think I should have to feel uneasy in my own home. I feel like I want to cover the windows all over so he can't see in or even see if any lights are on. I guess what he's doing is not enough to go for a protective order, but I sure wish it would stop.
My birthday and a full moon all within a day or so of one another really brought him out of the shadows this time. Good Lord. All I can really say is thank God for Mailwasher. I could bounce his messages without reading them, so for all he knows he now has a bad address for me.
I'm in the mood to get really stinking drunk. Been one of those weeks.
First a little history:
The only way I got my XNPDH out of the house was with a protection order, so he was ordered out by the courts. Even that didn't stop him. He kept coming back. Breaking into the house, driving by, calling at all hours of the night and day, threatening, saying all the things like yours is saying, "THIS IS MY HOUSE!!!"
You get the picture.
One thing that I wish I had done early on was kept better records of what he was doing. Start keeping a journal or a log of his activity. Write down the day, the time, the place, and in detail his behavior, what he was wearing, what he said, everything you can think of. If he calls, take a picture of the caller ID. If you don't have caller ID, get it. Record all of his telephone calls. When he is sitting outside your house, take picutures and then add the dates and times and other details to your journal.
If you don't do this, you are going to end up in a "He said, She said" situation. He will lie and deny each and every allegation you make against him. If you don't have any proof, the authorities will have their hands tied and not be able to offer much help.
The other thing you should do is stop allowing him inside the house. Can you change the locks? (ask your attorney) Have him see the children somewhere else.
The next time you see his vehicle outside your house call the police. Just report a suspicious vehicle. The police aren't going to tell him that it was you who called.
[This message edited by sadtoo at 4:28 PM, April 25th (Friday)]
I miss Longlost. I miss her posts.
I'll join you in a glass or 15...we need a "clinking smiley"
Hang in there. I've been triggering a lot today for some reason...this too shall pass.
Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy
A little background on me. After 18 years of marriage, I finally had had enough. Abuse to my 13 y/o son prompted a CPO. I also have a 17 y/o D.
A recent incident with my D has prompted my posting today (although all of you know we could all write books about our experiences with our respective NPD spouses). My D is the starting varsity goalie on her HS soccer team and has been since her freshman year of HS. Due to a court order, my STBXH is to contact my daughter and get the nod from her before attending any of her games. He is to contact her by email as he was TMing my D at all hours, several times a day, so she requested that I change her phone number, which I did.
This past week, her team was #1 in their division and they were playing the #2 ranked team. A very big game for my D. (Her dad has been showing up a some of her games. He has NEVER cleared his attendance with her. She had sent him an email at the start of the season telling him not to attend any of her games. I have not called the police, although I could have. I thought that making a "scene" would make the situation worse for my D)
When my D team played the now #2 ranked team on their turf two years ago, she was pummeled. The final score that year was 8-1. My D had 20 something stops. In fact the opponents coach approached my D's coach and said the match would have been over (mercy rule) if my D had not been in goal. So as I said, this was a VERY BIG game for my D but she was in good spirits and optimistic. So, as predicted, my STBXH shows up at the field shortly before the start of the game. My D was warming up in the goal. My STBXH walked behind the goal and said to my D,"Don't forget what happened the last time you played here. It's time for revenge" WTF. He TOTALLY rattled her cage. She started crying. Her coach approached her and then approached me. Yes, I still had a CPO and yes, I could call the police but I was concerned that if I did call the police, it would affect her game even more. I told the coach that I would text him and ask him to leave. I did TM him, but he did not leave. I had to run to the car right before the game started and while I was gone, my S went and asked his dad to leave, he did not. Yes, it affected her game. My D's team lost 5-1, dropping them in the standings.
So, here is my question. After all these years of appeasing my STBXH and being afraid of him, and being separated from him for 6 months, I still don't have my voice. I didn't want to make a scene and took the path of least resistance. Of course, now I wish that I had had him thrown out of an earlier game in hopes that he would have then stayed away from all of her games. But, would have he? We all know that the "rules" don't apply to NPD.
My D has her last big game on Monday. I have gone through the legal channels to prevent STBXH from attending that game. If he still shows up, how do I find my voice and stick up for my D? I am ashamed that I have been so passive.
PD are what appears pretty serious buisness. PD's in a sense are the root of all evil. Yes and no. Those with PDs have been damaged in a way that they seem to have never progressed beyond the developmental stage of a 3-6 year old. Are they evil? Yes and no. They are oblivious to the ways they affect those around them. It does not compute.
In some ways we can feel deep compassion for them, but then there is the reality of being involved with these people, which is a no win situation. They need help, but they don't feel that their is anything wrong with them or that they have done anything wrong. It's really sad.
They are prone to "magical thinking" as a child would be. Thier's is a world of "make believe" where they are the center of the universe. And this is all quite unknown to the PD.
So, their "morality" or ethics or whatever label is used, is always in a state of flux, depending on the role that they are playing and the parameters of that character. And therin lies a lot to be said about these PDs, these character disorders.
This is what is meant when it is said that they don't know or don't have a true self. They don't as they are playing a role, portraying an image. It's all about affect. Sad.
So, try not to take there PD too personally. Hard to do, I know. Just freakin' run, not walk, like hell away from them.
Remember folks, it's not your fault. You didn't break them, and you can't fix them.
BoB He who has survived a STBXPDW. LOL.
[This message edited by bobelina at 12:24 PM, April 26th (Saturday)]
The bottom line is that your STBXH is breaking the law by showing up ANYWHERE you and your children are. If I understand your post, your CPO is for you AND your children.
The problem with not calling and reporting is that it minimizes the value of the CPO. For example, when and if you do call the police for an offense, his defense will likely be that he went to the soccer games before and it was never a problem.
Call the police next time he violates the order. Don't give him an inch. If he's like most NPD's, you give him an inch and he'll take a mile.
[This message edited by sadtoo at 2:18 PM, April 26th (Saturday)]
You're going to have to let your inner mama bear out. He is banking on you being passive, counting on you not wanting to cause a scene. But honey, your kids are counting on you to help protect them from these sorts of intrusions.
It's time to forget scenes. With him around, they're going to happen anyway. Consider this: had he not shown up, would there have been a scene of your daughter crying, your son intervening, the coach having to come talk to you? A scene was already created by his presence. He was in control of that scene and knew it.
Make the next scene one that YOU control. Next time and every time thereafter that he breaks the CPO, call the police. Start using what a judge thought you deserved. Start using what your children want to have enforced for them.
My ex's new game is refusing to provide us with his new address and phone number. This is the 4th time he has pulled this. I simply refuse to allow him visitation (as per my court order which states he has access at my discression). He is not in control so this is his way of trying to exert control. It is all a sick game for him.
They basically train us not to make a fuss because when we do stand up to them they freak out and punish up for not "obeying". Don't beat yourself up for not stand up for him right now. You will get there. The only way to get this crazy game to end is to stop playing by not letting him manipulate you under threat of him making a scene. He will make a scene and then get over it. Once you change the buttons on your reaction you will be in control, not him.
These freaks do alot of damage to their victims. It does take time to heal and counceling can really be helpful. I had quite a bit during the past few years and it really helped me get through this.
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
Do you have an IC? Counseling and SI have helped me so much to realize that I was in fact abused by STBXH and that I am not the crazy one.
I am trying to find my voice too. The mama bear is coming out, and STBXH isn't liking it much.
I agree with the others - you call the police. I'd give the kids a heads up that this could be a possibility so they are prepared for this "scene" which your NPD will be certain to blame you for.