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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N.P.D. Thread part VI
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sunlil, You have to be honest with yourself.
You have to put yourself first now.
I was floored when I started reading the NPD threads too.
I could only read so much at a time and absorb it.

Nicole, we are the best aren't we?

Maybe that's what helped us survive to this point.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to this Tribe, Nicole and Sunlil! We are happy to have you join our ranks. Sorry you have to be here, but, what the heck, you might as well be with people who know what you're dealing with.

I also remember when I first came on to SI, seeing this phrase "NPD". I had no idea what it was referring to, but I was so busy reading in the S/D forum, that I gave it little thought. In reply to one of my first posts, someone said,"he sounds very NPD". Then a few days later I came across another post that jjct had replied to, and his signature line caught my eye. Well, I went to that page and started reading.

Just like you, sunlil, my eyes widened and my jaw dropped. These people were talking about some of the very things I was dealing with and had been dealing with for many, many years. And the sense of relief. Wow. And finding other survivors. OMG.

Nicole is absolutely right, you will not find a more compassionate and understanding group than this one.

((((Tribe))))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7615 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
sunlil
♀ Member
Member # 6312
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope no one minds my putting the pieces together here. I need to "write" it down, I need to tell somebody, I need to get it out.

I've been reading all of the traits of NPD and things are just clicking left and right.

I've managed to get my H to counseling once during our 16 year marriage and he got into an argument with the counselor.

The counselor called him on his behaviour toward me, told him he was being emotionally abusive. My H scoffed and told him he was wrong, there's no such thing as emotional abuse. It got to the point where voices were raised and we left.

What gets me is, I felt bad for my H after that counseling session. I felt like he went there to help our marriage and instead got attacked. Even though, deep down, I knew the counselor was right, I still felt the urge to protect my H.

And because I've tried harder than anybody to understand him he has been especially contemptuous of me.

If I ask anything regarding his reasons or motivations for something, he feels he is being attacked. No matter how I phrase it, no matter what the tone of my voice is he always feels he is being attacked and then he lashes at out me until he makes me cry.

When I try to explain that he has hurt my feelings, I took his comments the wrong way or I need to learn how to communicate with him better so he won't feel attacked. It's always my fault.

There's nothing wrong with him, it's everybody else, they're all idiots. He's smarter than just about everybody else on the planet and he's certainly smarter than any counselor or psychiatrist.

He was actually taken to task by a superior officer for his "everyone here is a moron except for me" attitude at work.

I never got the story on what led that meeting with his boss to take place. I never get the story on a lot of things. He tells me very very little about anything, unless I drag it out of him.
I've referred to him (in my head) as The Great Unknowable One.
Us peons cannot comprehend The Great Unknowable One so it is a waste of his time to communicate with us.

But he knows me better than I know myself. He knows my REAL reasons and motivations for everything I do and, to hear him tell it, I'm one horrible person. No one else would put up with me.


Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - Lucille Ball

Posts: 2518 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Central Nevada
Nicole5
♀ Member
Member # 17794
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for the welcome, woundedby2!

{{HB}} We are the best, the brightest, the most compassionate on earth. We are the chosen ones! And let's not ever forget it again!

{{sunlil}} no one deserves to be treated *less than*

In my long journey I realized that my gut was always right...even when I didn't want it to be.


divorced my WH on Nov 4, 2011
(see my profile for "the story")


Posts: 338 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: TX
sunlil
♀ Member
Member # 6312
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've read a lot of posts about feeling like you have to walk on eggshells around the N.

For me it's not like walking on eggshells, it's like manuevering through a field of land mines. As long as I put each foot in the right place, I'm safe but one wrong step and he turns nasty.

He's not physically abusive, he doesn't call me names outright, he's not profane but he says things that cut me to the core. Or he says absolutely nothing.

I'll say "When you do x I feel y." And he will sit there, stone-faced, and say not one single word. Eventually, I'll ask if he was going to respond and he'll say "I didn't know a response was necessary, I thought you were just complaining."

Or I'll get asked if I'm trying to start an argument.

He never apologizes for the things I'm "complaining" about either. Instead he tells me that's not what he did, that's not what he said, that's not what he meant and I'm being too sensitive or I'm making a bigger deal out of it than needs to be made.

He's outright told me that he does not feel empathy, nor does he understand what remorse feels like.

He will also go on about something I've done wrong and when I apologize he says "It's not that big of a deal, you don't need to worry about it."

If that's the case, why does he bring it up?

I've thought, for years, that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. There must be for me to misconstrue and misunderstand and miscommunicate so much.
I've felt so weak and so crazy!

AGH!!


Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - Lucille Ball

Posts: 2518 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Central Nevada
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad y'all found this thread.
Sunny, you sound like GillyB a few pages back when she found this thread.

I'm gonna tell y'all that may help.
And Nicole, I'll bet this is part of your code book that you use to protect yourself from NPD fallout.
Catwoman told me awhile back "don't feed the beast".
I call it "poking the bear".

JJ had a good point about not giving them any energy good or bad to feed off of.

I think they're like vampires in a way.
And from what I understand there is no cure, no meds to control it.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One website I visit is www.bpdfamily.com It's a support site for folks that have been involved with Borderlines. They are essentially the same as N's and the overlap, co-morbidity is incredible. Many think NPD and BPD are the same thing and the behaviors are much the same.
I was amazed at how things done to me by my wife, that I though no one else could have experienced were , actually, common. Emasculating remarks are very common toward guys dealing with BPD/NPD spouses. Water dousings, man, I thought this was truly unique-NOT. Mean things said as "jokes" and Too sensitive allegations-very common.
Insisting kids slepp in the bed all the time_very common- a form of emotional incest designed to give the disordered unconditional validation and freeze the other spouse out. No sex-happens all the time. Overspending and bounced checks- very common.
AND, Infidelity is rampant among them.
Check out this site if you are feeling your situation is unique. You will be amazed.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
Balancing Act
♀ Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((sunlil))

It's good that you've found us..

you said: I've thought, for years, that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. There must be for me to misconstrue and misunderstand and miscommunicate so much.

This is the very most basic abuse they heap upon us. I am a communicator...my JOB was communicating, fercrissakes...i KNOW i can communicate and make myself understood...how on earth did I let him *try* to convince me that I suck at it.

He would always call me "too sensitive" or accuse me of becoming *so defensive*.....well, yeah!! of course I'm defensive - you're attacking me.

And the eggshells!! oh my goodness. I used that analogy with him so many times. "I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when you are home?"

Then, of course, he accused me of being too sensitive....

As far as I'm concerned, he did me a favor by having an affair...it gave me a reason to divorce him. But then, he's got me so screwy, that I've actually considered whether or not he has been planting evidence so that I would discover it - more crazy-making....

I am just so done with him - except for these little vents, of course - and figuring out where I went and whether I'm coming back to me or not.


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
Nicole5
♀ Member
Member # 17794
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB, I call it keeping a clean mirror.

In order to have them see themselves clearly you have to stand perfectly still; no reaction that would cause them to be push off of you & blame you.

The 180 works quite nicely to making yourself a squeaky clean mirror.

They're angry? Clean mirror is happy.

They are ignoring you? Clean mirror is pleasant and speaking as if they were in a good mood.

They are sarcastic? Clean mirror gives them the finger...lol (ok...so maybe the mirror has a few streaks!)

The key to all of this is to repeat to yourself over and over and over again until you believe it:

This (this behavior, etc.) has NOTHING to do with me.

No truer words have ever been spoken



divorced my WH on Nov 4, 2011
(see my profile for "the story")


Posts: 338 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: TX
Nicole5
♀ Member
Member # 17794
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{balancing act}}

You never left you. Close your eyes & click your heels...


divorced my WH on Nov 4, 2011
(see my profile for "the story")


Posts: 338 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: TX
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To all of our streaky mirrors!
Thanks Nicole. That was a good one.

Ron, the water dousing thing I just don't understand.
Yeah, I could see doing it once in awhile as a joke.
But at the same time, I have to expect to get it done back to me.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's about the eye-rolling, blame-shifting, invalidation, gaslighting, crazy-making crushing of my spirit.

That is an excellent discription of NPD.

Oh, don't forget the exagerated (sp) SIGH.

Welcome newbies. It sounds like you have found a home. I remember when I first heard about NPD. I started reading and the hair on the back of my neck started to raise.

You will continue to be amazed at how similar our stories are. It's like there is a script out there on how these NPD's act. It's remarkable.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Helpless  Posted: 10:05 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't forget the insulting cutting degrading remarks.
And when you call them on it, they perceive it as their right or blow you off with a lame ass excuse.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They are literally the most horrible form of life existing on this planet.

HB, When he calls you and asks you for advice about his job or anything else for that matter, tell him to go ask his girlfriend. He made his choices and now you are politely stepping off.

If he doesn't get it, tough SHIT.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 10:11 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
cjonesjag
♀ Member
Member # 10617
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the eye-rolling, blame-shifting, invalidation, gaslighting, crazy-making crushing of my spirit

Yep.

My 22y/o daughter told me that she thinks my STBXWTF is evil because he tried to crush my spirit.

She watched this whole mess unfold in the last three years and I am finally seeing it as clearly as she is.

He didn't win. He didn't crush my spirit (he tried though!!).

The best things I have done since starting here at SI were: posting/reading here in the NPD thread (*gobs* for a long time), took baby steps towards realigning my mind/body/spirit (I was utterly *lost* trying to figure out what had happened), and FORCED myself to stop trying to make sense out of the blameshifting, gaslighting and LIES that I was told.

It took me a LONG time to be able to look at him as *only* a seriously f'd up person. I would engage, things would get ugly, he'd get seriously ANGRY and I'd wind up hurt (again).

No more. He doesn't MATTER that much to me!! I see VERY clearly now how manipulative and abusive he is. VERY.

I am only NOW seeing all the red flags that I should've seen early in our relationship. It has reminded me of the time that my paid-listener told me that there HAD to have been 'red flags.' I tried to argue that "no, he seriously fooled me!" (and he DID for the most part).

But there were subtle things, mostly "control" issues. When we first started dating, though, I just ignored him and did what-ta-hell ever I wanted. Slowly, insidiously, creepily, I changed. I started doubting my own actions, thoughts and self-worth. I stopped socializing with other people because I KNEW that it would piss him off. He would make snide comments and be just ANGRY for several days.

I don't even remember the day that I started to avoid social interactions. I don't remember the day that I allowed myself to be ruled by his "manipulation." All I know is that I somehow lost myself in this mess, and almost sacrificed my spirit. I can see how women (and men) become victims of domestic abuse. Everything is somehow turned around to *our* fault. Everything.

I am SO in a better place right now. I will be updating my saga in the divorce forum late next week. I get the keys to my bachelorette pad next Thursday!!

I have taken many, many steps to extricate myself from this assclown. He is free to control, abuse and manipulate someone else, but it is HIGHLY unlikely that he will be able to find a willing victim. I am a much better person that he is. In fact, I don't think he IS a person!!

I no longer look to him as a possible source of ANYTHING even REMOTELY related to being "husbandly." He is incapable.

I am not. And I deserve much, much better than this.

So, I'm working on it!! Its been a LONG road, and I feel changed because of it. Not "less" anything, just changed. Maybe 'experienced'?? I dunno. I just know that I have lost a lot emotionally and financially, but it doesn't seem to matter because I didn't lose the most important thing. Myself.

((hugs)) newbies and all the other kids..hope you all are surviving.


jonesey


Me (BS):50
Him(WTFH):51 Married: 05/26/2002
DD#1: 09/2005 (EA) DD#2: 09/2006
Mini-DDays: Many. Mostly online
DIVORCED 10/20/10
It's not what you've got, it's what you give.
It ain't the life you choose, it's the life you live

Posts: 6400 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Michigan
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome newbies - like others have said, finding out about npd is a real kick in the stomach! But I believe knowledge is power and when you know what they are, it becomes easier to manage their behaviour! I think!

Do some of you feel that your life is like a stack of cards and if one falls out of place, the whole lot comes tumbling down? I certainly do.
My child-minder who takes the kids to school told me she can't do it anymore. This leaves me in the shit. My reaction has been extreme, as usual, and I have been crying non-stop. It is practically impossible to get someone to take the kids to school round here and it all comes tumbling down. I feel all of the responsibility of single parenthood etc etc. I have to get to work to earn money, I am a teacher so my hours are not flexible, I just need child care for an hour at the beginning and the end of the day.
This is not a big deal for "normal" people but I ceased being normal a long time ago!
Someone said ask your freak -I don't think so. To give him the opportunity to say no and gloat that I am having problems. AS IF!
I am on my own, everything is down to me 100%, the sooner I accept that then I may stop over-reacting every time something goes wrong.
I'd very much like to be normal again one day.

Excuse my moaning and self-pity today, just feeling shit again. Where is the knight in shining armour to come and help me? Oh yes, he doesn't exist and actually turns out to be the devil instead,if my experience is anything to go by. I'm bitter today, hopefully I won't be tomorrow.

My counsellor recommended Overcoming low self-esteem by Melanie Fennell. Has anyone read this?


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
Balancing Act
♀ Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG!!! the SIGHING!!!!! never-ending SIGHING!!!

And it was never a caustic, cutting, degrading remark...oh NO..he was much more subtle than that!

More along the lines of, "you poor thing, you mean you really don't understand that when i tell you the sky is pink with purple polka dots that i'm telling you the truth? SIGH...I guess I just can't make you understand."

And then we would go into his silent treatment mode.....SIGH....

Here is what triggered me the last few days:

WH came to the house to collect his personal items. Our realtor ran interference for us and was here with him. As he was leaving, his car would not start. Realtor gave him a jump and as "The Captain" put his car in gear...it died again. Well, that car was not going to make it out of the driveway, so he switched his boxes of stuff to a spare car that we kept around and took it back to his apartment. No problem, except he then pushed his car into the garage and sent me an email asking me to handle getting towed into the dealership for service!!!!

EXCUSE ME!?!???

He sent me a looooong email about how I could accomplish this feat and said that he would consider it a favor to him if I would take care of it.

After investigating all of the different options, I went with the one that would cost him the most money and had the car towed away. Figured it was not my problem any more and I now had room in my garage to put MY car!!

THEN, asshole emails me that his car is ready and would I please either get it back to the house - and put it back in the garage - TO PRESERVE IT AS AN ASSET OF THE MARITAL ESTATE - or drive it to his apartment (an hour and a half away) where I could switch it with the car he took when he left.

AGAIN - EXCUSE ME????

My wish was to ignore all of this completely as the car is his separate property.

My next thought was to tell him his girlfriend (who is about 3500 miles from where I am) could handle it as I was fired from that job!

My NEXT thought is to slap a GPS on it and deliver it to his apartment, but my give-a-shit's broken and I don't care where he goes or who he does.

The simplest thing for me to do is to get it back to my house although I'll be damned if it's going back in the garage...that's where MY car goes as I want to preseve MY assets.....

What a moth*&fucking piece of asstard fuckwit he is....how DARE he expect me to handle his not so sweet smelling shit for one more fucking second!!!!

Whew...I feel much better.....


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but my give-a-shit's broken and I don't care where he goes or who he does.

Definately a sign of healing.

What a moth*&fucking piece of asstard fuckwit he is....how DARE he expect me to handle his not so sweet smelling shit for one more fucking second!!!!

Alright. A little bit of back stepping, but healing none the less.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Balancing Act
♀ Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Well, it's a rollercoaster...one second you're up, the next...

All in all, I'm doing ok. The sooner he's out of my life, the better I'll be...I am soooo looking foward to the day...

Life is very, very good except when crap like this lands on my doorstep...oh well...onward and upward!


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stay the course and keep your eye on the goal. Getting him out of your life.

You won't believe how much better your life will be with him OUT.

Mine still stalks and harasses me, and it is STILL so much better than having him IN the house. All I have to do now is call the police. Insane yes, but I'm not dealing with all of my emotional baggage. I deal with him just like I would any other criminal on the street. I don't give him another thought.

Hugs to all.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
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