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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N.P.D. Thread part VI
Balancing Act
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Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sadtoo...

I guess I consider myself lucky in that once we are done, we're really done and he will disappear from my life as if he never knew me - which will be awesome!

At least I don't have a stalker-type on my hands...I feel for you sista...

Thanks for giving me a laugh tonight...I love laughing!


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
sunlil
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Member # 6312
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the warm welcome.

The more I read the more I am astounded by the similarities in Ns.

I would engage, things would get ugly, he'd get seriously ANGRY and I'd wind up hurt (again).

I know that pattern all too well.

Slowly, insidiously, creepily, I changed. I started doubting my own actions, thoughts and self-worth.

I've been doubting myself for so very long. My H deployed to Iraq several months ago and I had a really difficult time adjusting to making decisions on my own because I didn't trust in my own ability to make the right ones.

As the months have passed, I have started to feel better about me. There's no one here constantly reminding me I'm not good enough. I don't feel like I'm living under a microscope with him just watching me and waiting for me to make a mistake.

I can laugh without having to explain what I'm laughing at and why I find it funny.

I stopped socializing with other people because I KNEW that it would piss him off.

My H doesn't get pissed if I socialize but I have stopped socializing and became something of a loner because I don't trust myself not to make a fool of myself while communicating with others.

On more than one occasion, something will have happened with his family (like a couple separating) and he would not tell me and the next time we socialized with those people I would inevitably say something that would demonstrate my ignorance of their situations.
Then he'd say he'd told me about it, I must have forgotten about it.

In conversations with others they will relay to me something my H has said about me and it is never ever something good. I don't want to meet new people because I don't know what they've been told about me.

I'm tired of going into every situation wondering how the chips are stacked against me.

[This message edited by sunlil at 10:45 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]


Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - Lucille Ball

Posts: 2518 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Central Nevada
Balancing Act
♀ Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((sunlil)))

My NPD so very insidiously tried to drive a wedge between my friends and me. Today, those bonds with my friends are stronger than ever.

Hold onto yourself and trust yourself...


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's all crazy-making. I really wonder if my STBXH NPD was actively trying to drive me crazy. If he wasn't, he sure almost succeeded!

Also, I think he was trying to make me so unhappy and so miserable that I would be the one to end our marriage. He kept presenting me with what I call the "lists of demands". Every fault of mine spelled out. I had to do all the changing. Nothing was wrong with him.

Well, I wasn't going to give up on our M or our family, so ultimately he turned everything around on me. He wanted a D because I was not willing to make the changes necessary to save our M. I was the bad one. He was miserable. He was done. Refused counseling. Denied the A, denied being in love with our friend, they were just friends, his wanting to D had nothing to do with her. It was about me. I was the one who had destroyed our M. He still asserts this to this very day. It's all my fault. Yup. Clearly.

Sadly, like Sunlil points out, others believe these things about us. I have lost nearly every single one of our mutual "couple" friends. They all believe the BS that STBXH and OW spew about me and our marriage. Well, if they think that I am really the person he wants them to think I am, then they were not and are not my friends.

Dealing with the NPDs and the fall out from our relationships with them is really exhausting. I am getting stronger. I have very little contact with him. Even when I should have contact about the kids, I don't. I just can't deal with him at all. Especially face to face. He looks like a monster to me. Ugly. Angry. I really hardly see the man I used to love anymore.

I do not miss him anymore though! Not at all.

And, drum roll, please....
yesterday was the 25th anniversary of our first date. I did not get emotional about it at all. I think that is a good sign of healing. I was pretty proud of myself.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Ron7127
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Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Balancing, I think you should just leave the car where it is and let him make pickit up.
Onthe dousings, Heartless, yes, I used to think they were a joke, too. It only happened 3 times. Once, she enlisted my daughters to help her. Once, she called me over to give her a hug as I was about to leave to play golf with her dad. She'd concealed a glass of freezing water behind her back and when I gave her a hug, she drenched me and I had to change clothes.
It was not just these incidents but he accumulation of all these mean jokes at my expense.
Believe me, it sounds sorto f funny to douse your spouse with freezing water in the shower , but it is terribly unpleasnt. Your body does not recognize what has happened. It feels like you are being electrocuted. It is a total shock and I almost fell in the shower.
How about palying scrabble, spelling the word "penis" and feeling compelled to use it in this sentence to demonstrate it is not a bluff word: "penis, my husband has no penis."
These types of mean spirited things were not uncommon. And, they were coupled with many, many silent treatments, and other forms of abuse. It just got to the point where I knew she could not feel any love for me and do these things.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
Balancing Act
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Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ron...

I know I SHOULD leave the car where it is and let him deal with it from 3500 miles away, but I guess I'm still under the impression (mistaken - I know) that there might be some quid pro quo in it for me down the road.

I have something I need from him and am hoping that he will see reason and be just the teensiest bit thankful that I have dealt with his car, and help me with what I need him to do for me.

I realize it that in all likelihood it will never happen, but at heart, I'm an optimist.

And at least if I go get his car, I can show a judge, if it comes to that, that I was a good guy about it and that he was an ass. Taking the high road and all.....


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
Heartless Bytchh
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Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad, ytou don't know how much I wanted to ask him "What does OW think you should do?".

I didn't though for several reasons.
1.My son would've heard me say it.
I'm trying to mimimize his exposure to all the crap.

2. I didn't want to "poke the bear".
The less I stir him up, the less hassle I'll have in my life.

3.The thought occurred to me that that's exactly what he wanted me to do.
So then he can go into his "poor pity me" routine and justify to himself what a bytchh I am.

4. I don't want him tol think I really care one way or the other what he does.

5.It would've kept me on the phone w/him that much longer.
I have no desire to talk to him about anything anymore.
Especially anything meaningful.

6.I think it might be his way of trying to stay connected to me in some NPD way.
I no longer want to be connected to him.

7.I didn't want to "feed the beast".
NPD's feed on negative or positive comments, reactions, whatever.
If I don't feed anything back to him, I'm no longer a feeding source and he'll have to get his fix somewhere else.

A good friend told me yesterday that being neutral is a good way to not give any feedback to an NPD.
(Thank You, Numbah One!)
The more I thought about that, the more sense it makes to me.

I think it's become easier for me to not engage him since I've hit this big indifference stage.
It's helping me heal from the A's and having to go through this D.
I don't have time for his crap.
I'm more focused on my grief for Niki.
She's what matters to me, not NPD freakazoid.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Heartless Bytchh
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Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sunny,
I don't trust myself not to make a fool of myself while communicating with others
.

You should realize that you communicate very well.
I've enjoyed many of your posts and pics, especially in F&G.
That one thread you started "I'm bored" was a hoot!
So no, you have great communication skills, you've just been brainwashed to think other wise.
Don't drink that Koolaid anymore.

Then he'd say he'd told me about it, I must have forgotten about it.

Stnx pulled this same line on me many times.
The last time was back in Dec when he changed the PW on his email account because he'd joined AFF and they were sending him emails.
It's like he thought I was stupid.
Makes him look stupid, doesn't it?

BA, I'm glad your friends stuck by you.That's true friendship,gf.

WB2, I was blamed for his A's too.
Funny how we never knew we were responsible for our WS' lack of ability to talk to us about whatever it was bugging them, or keep their you know what in their pants.

He might as well have said "you held a gun to my head, you made me do it".

Ron, how far have you come along in healing from the abuse?
Are you hypervigilant now looking for the same behaviour in women you might be interested in?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB,
I read somewhere - maybe it was actually here on SI?- not sure. Anyway, there was advice on how to deal with these kinds of toxic advice seekers. The idea was to give a response like, "Wow, that is a problem. How are you going to handle that?" Put the question right back onto them. Or to do a, "Oh, that's a shame. Best of luck in dealing with that." End of conversation. Buh-bye. Gotta go.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could 'em all up in the same bus and send it over a cliff or something? NPDs...grrrr


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Balancing Act
♀ Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wb2....

Thank you for reminding me of those responses....I need to hear that again and I do remember reading those here somewhere...


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They are just such CONTROL FREAKS that they will do anything to keep in touch with their victims. This is why they say that you are one of the "lucky ones" if your NPD just up and leaves and you never see or hear from them again. (Oh to be so LUCKY!! I can only imagine) This is also why going NC with NPD's is the only way to deal with them. You have to remember that they don't operate the same way we do. If you even answer the telephone and say simply, "Hello, oh hi. I'm fine, how are you?" And you say it in a very monotone voice, the NPD hears, "I love you, I want you, and I can't live without you."

They're sick.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
gillianbx
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Member # 18465
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Sunlil,
You are a great communicator. It is just that your great communication doesn't work with an NPD. I have a psychology degree. I study ways to communicate without confrontation. But, I could never communicate with my NPD and I always believed that I was doing something wrong! It was always me. And I know about the land mines. Oh, yes. And they were never the same. Some days it was dust on the bookshelves. Some days it was the children playing too loud. Some days it was that I had my hair in a pony-tail. But there was always something that he would find to put me down for.
Take heart. You have come to the right place. I love this site. I love these people. I love finally finding the answers.
<<Hugs>>


"If you want to change your reality, change your focus. If you want to change your focus, change the questions you ask yourself. Questions control your focus, therefore questions control your own experience of life." -Kobi Yamada


Posts: 128 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: missouri
peridot
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Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, I am working today and I answer the phone, don't realize it's my STBXH, finally I do. He's calling about a bill. It's a shock that he is even paying one of the bills. Anyway, he's calling to berate me about the bill. I told him that I was working and he could either call me later or better yet email me and I hung up! Thank God I was working or he probably would have sucked me in again. If it weren't for the kids, I wish he would just disapear but I know that wouldn't be good for them. Their still young and don't understand. This divorce is like a nightmare!


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
Ron7127
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Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartless, I guess I am a little scared and, definitely, scarred. In particular, I question my attractiveness and masculinity. I was an excellent college athlete in 3 sports. Yet, after all the emasculating stuff, I feel like I must be a wimp.
But, in general, I am still myself. I am very open and friendly, despite the anger that comes through in these posts.
I did have one serious relationship with a very beautiful woman that is a psychiatric nurse. It was scary, at first, but, she was incrdeibly kind and patient with me. At first, I had sexual difficulties> Not sure if it is age or trauma induced> That abated and things were going pretty good.
But, with her background in psychiatric medicine, she quickly figured out that there is a strong probability that I would wind up with custody of my little daughters. Her kids were grown and she feared this. So, out of the blue, after telling me the previous week how she adored me and loved me, she decided she did not want to continue. Of course, i immediately started second guessing her reason as being about me and performnace in bed. It had been 4 years for me and I was really out of practice.
But, then I started recievig e-mails from her, telling me how much she missed me and how wondeful I was> She then sent me a picture of herself in a sheer , see though dress(and she is really good looking).
I began to wonder if she had BPD , as well. She tried to make out with me when I returned her books. But, when I inquired if she still wanted to be together, she said she could not do it. I believe I attract nuts.
So, the game paln, for now, is to be with my friends, and work on my golf game. no more forays into this crazy romantic stuff. It is just too confusing for me.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
sunlil
♀ Member
Member # 6312
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should realize that you communicate very well.
I've enjoyed many of your posts and pics, especially in F&G.
That one thread you started "I'm bored" was a hoot!
So no, you have great communication skills, you've just been brainwashed to think other wise.
Don't drink that Koolaid anymore.


Thank you, HB, that made me feel better.

It wasn't until I started reading and posting yesterday that I saw the extent to which his behaviour has altered mine.

It was all so slow, covert and insidious I didn't even know it was happening.

It's just crazy!


Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - Lucille Ball

Posts: 2518 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Central Nevada
sunlil
♀ Member
Member # 6312
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Sunlil,
You are a great communicator. It is just that your great communication doesn't work with an NPD.

Thank you gillian, I appreciate your kind words very much.

Have you dealt with a lot of narcissists over the years?


Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - Lucille Ball

Posts: 2518 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Central Nevada
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tribe)))
It has done me so much good to listen to y'all.
It tells me I'm not as bad as I thought I was all these years.

Ron, I think all the abuse over the yrs is what caused your sexual difficulties.

I think it's caused some for me too.
I wonder if it's that way for all women and men who were with NPD's.
Because of the NPDness, the NPD can't be giving to their partner in bed.
And we all know in that sitch, the more you give, the more you get.

Sorry everyone for talking about such a personal subject.
You don't have to reply if you don't want to.
Just consider this ramblings of a mad woman.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
sadtoo
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Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been divorced from my NPD for 6 years now. I still have some MAJOR sex issues. There was a lot of damage done in my marriage. I just kept giving and giving and giving, but he always left me feeling like he was just using my body to masterbate.

All the other abuse I have worked through. But I still have problems in the bedroom.

Ugh.

**Edited because I can't spell**

[This message edited by sadtoo at 4:28 PM, July 11th (Friday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
gillianbx
♀ Member
Member # 18465
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad too,
Very interesting that you think he was just using your body to masturbate. I often thought that too. In fact there were several occasions where I would wake up and he was having intercourse with me. About the time that I woke up, he would be done and fall back asleep. I used to lay there and wonder OMG WTF was that?


"If you want to change your reality, change your focus. If you want to change your focus, change the questions you ask yourself. Questions control your focus, therefore questions control your own experience of life." -Kobi Yamada


Posts: 128 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: missouri
Balancing Act
♀ Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sadtoo....

WOW...isn't that the truth about feeling 'used' by them for sex...

I never felt like we were "making love"...it was more that HE was having sex...eeeewwwwww....

And it is a sloooooow process....I keep wondering HOW THE HELL I didn't see what was happening. In hindsight, I see so many red flags... WHY didn't I recognize them for what they were at the time?

Was I so needy that I thought some of his behaviors were OK?? No, I never thought they were OK, but I did think that I was somehow the cause of them. OK, he let me believe that I was the cause....but really??? What the hell was I thinking.

Now, I only hope and pray that if I do ever let myself have any type of relationship with a man, that I will have learned that my boundaries matter, and that my instincts are correct - always! I will never hang onto a relationship out of need or fear.

I am afraid that some really great guy will come along and I will not recognize the real thing when I see it because I'm so afraid of him 'turning' on me at some point. I'm afraid that I will push someone away because I won't want to wake up some day and realize that I didn't see it coming - AGAIN!

I really care so little about WHY my STBX is a narcissist or why he does what he does/did to me. It's about how I can never, ever allow something like this to happen to me ever again...that's my focus and my goal...


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
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