If he runs for the hills, he never was that "great guy."
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)
Now, I tried to honor that, I really did but I failed to resist the temptation to look at it.
It was a log of our sex life. (TMI ahead) It detailed what position(s) we had sex in, how I acted, and how many orgasms I'd had.
I don't know why he felt the need to keep a log of our sexual relations but it made me feel objectified. I thought I was just being "too sensitive" about it and it really wasn't harmful.
Looking back, I wish I'd listened to what my feelings were telling me.
But I was so caught up in our "romance". We'd known each other maybe 2 months before he proposed. He was so in love with me and just swept me off my feet. I overlooked quite a few things that should have raised my hackles.
A log book of sex acts? A record of his sexual conquests and masculine prowess??
Well, I thought my NPD was the only one with this kind of wackiness. Mine would keep track of sex on a calendar. Also my cycle. He would also observe and track the positions of sex toys to see if I'd been taking care of things without him, so to speak He also admitted to peeking in through the window blinds into the bedroom when he came home from work to see if I was taking care of things myself. He told me about this spying after he had moved out. He was doing this for years apparently. I swear, these people really are psycho, aren't they?
I think we really should write a book. This stuff is just...so....wow....
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
Well, I thought my NPD was the only one with this kind of wackiness.
And I thought mine was the only one!
God I love you guys!
I figured out a *test* through *exhaustive* scientific double-blind studies, using the well-known SWAG protocol.
(that'd be: Scientific Wild-Ass Guess, for all you need-to-know types)
It is conducted thusly...
(Pffft! I KNOW it's an act! Who you think you're kidding 'round here?)
Like reagent paper, they'll turn blue (more on bluescrotumitis later).
Blue = "You got U a N"
The only drawback...ok, side-effect:
you gotta stifle laughter!
(that's ok...come HERE & laff, ok?)
[This message edited by jjct at 6:53 PM, July 11th (Friday)]
Okay...one day I will take the time to write up my story and put it in my profile.
For now, I will just do a cliff notes version of what steps were necessary in order for me to begin to heal. (and healing is the only worthwhile goal!)
1. Know Yourself
This journey isn't what it appears to be. We can choose to be victims or we can take our power back. I adore this saying:
I can be victimized by another, but I am not a victim.
Remember who you used to be before the insanity entered your world through the back door.
If you were a sexy, sexual being...you still are!
If you were gregarious and fun-loving, patient and compassionate...you still are!
Remember who you were.
The next thing I do is remember that I did not create myself. I am a beloved child of the universe, made in the image of my Creator who is not in the habit of making junk!(you can say this in any way that makes sense to you--there are no right or wrong beliefs--this just happens to be my way of remembering I am not alone and I even my imperfections are perfect)
I will try and write a little bit everyday...It helps me to have this all in one place. I have writing scattered throughout the worldwideweb!
Hope this helps you as much as it helps me.
wise words indeed!
Yes, "Tribe" = us.
I'm not sure who coined that one, but we've been the Tribe since I came over here to NPD-anon.
<snickering> I sure hope we didn't scare all the guys off with our s-e-x talk.
You know, the more you realize how screwy things were living with the NPD, the more you wonder how in the world we didn't come out it even more messed up than we are. I guess we really must be resilient types.
I started keeping track just so I knew i wasn't going crazy and that I could prove to myself that he was the one who was lying/delusional and not me.
ARGH. I AM grateful i don't feel that way everyday any longer.
[This message edited by lostsahm at 11:31 PM, July 11th (Friday)]
Seriously, we've all thought that we were the crazy ones. Honestly thought that we may actually be the NPD. Interesting what the crazy-making does to you.
Yes, isn't it nice to not feel like that all the time now? No more walking on eggshells. Life's a lot more peaceful without them. Halelujah!
It is the legacy of the npd freak that worries me. I feel totally incapable of a relationship in any way shape or form. I'm not particularly good at flirting anymore either - and I was once soooo good!
I hate them all - I may have mentioned that once or twice before!
So I just hit the "easy" button and picked his car up from the repair shop and brought it back to the house....I was really agitated while I was driving it and all I could think of was, "has he NEVER heard Carrie Underwood's song????"
I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
Carved my name into his leather seat...
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights,
Slashed a hole in all 4 tires...
oh well.....I took a Xanax for the first time in a long time and had a very nice day planting the containers on my back patio....
Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy
((Tribe)) You are always in my positive thoughts.
Just when you think you have read everything relevant to the topic. This one put me into tears.
Shortly after he had seduced and married his third wife, a Controller named "Tom" developed a calculating and classically "I hate you-I love you" borderline way of sexually controlling his woman. Since he knew that the marked conscientiousness of his wife's character made her particularly loyal, he was certain his method of erotic control would work because, no matter how much she desired sex, she would never seek it with someone else. This was the key to his method, and his way of making her feel simultaneously responsible and guilty for her own desires and his cunning manipulation of them.
Knowing that he had control of her loyalty, he would "work" her sexual longing by timing its gratification. He would do this by turning her on, then losing interest by feigning "a tough day at the office," "a sore back," or some other pretext. All the while, his borderline instinct for reading her level of sexual frustration watched and waited, until he could tell that she was in a state of carnal gridlock. Then he released the laser intensity of his loin-lions upon her now fever-pitched libido and gratified her to the nth-degree.
To increase the agonizing effect of this cycle upon her, he added two more factors of frustration. He initiated the first by catching her while she secretly masturbated. And when he caught her, he always feigned outraged and agonized sexual betrayal. This ratcheted up her sense of guilt even further. Then - just to twist that ratchet one last click - he dropped using excuses like tough days at the office and sore backs for one that was a psychological coup de trompe' of controller manipulation. He started accusing her of sexually abusing him!
He had completely succeeded in deceiving her into believing that she was manipulating poor, erotically-exhausted him. And he had gotten her to cling to him! Once a Borderline Controller has succeeded in this kind of sexual "trick," or in other less genital manipulations, the Hater appears. This hateful part of him may have emerged before, but you probably will not see it in full, acidic bloom until he feels he has achieved a firm hold on your conscience and compassion. But when that part makes it's first appearance, rage is how it breaks into your life.
What gives this rage its characteristically borderline flavor is that it is very difficult for someone witnessing it to know what triggered it in reality. But that is its primary identifying clue: the actual rage-trigger is difficult for you to see. But in the Borderline's mind it always seems to be very clear. To him, there is always a cause. And the cause is always you. Whether it is the tone of your voice, how you think, how you feel, dress, move or breathe - or "the way you're looking at me," - he will always justify his rage by blaming you for "having to hurt you."
Rage reactions are also unpredictable and unexpected. They happen when you least expect it. And they can become extremely dangerous.
If a Controller is solely Borderline, his rages may remain verbal. You might be ducking a lot of dishes, glasses and other breakables, or the occasional airborne frying pan or flying cutlery set. But do not deceive yourself into believing that he is not directly aiming any of these missiles at you. Sooner or later one of them will "just happen" to hit you-or the kids, the cat or dog. And his excuse will be, "It was an accident," or "I didn't mean to hit you," or the ever-classic "Why didn't you duck?" - Not, "Why do I act so insane?" ...
Blame is their way of unloading their character defects onto you. Listen closely to the hateful things they say to you about you. You are listening to verbatim descriptions of their character defects. This is extremely important to remember, especially in the midst of verbal attack. These are the only moments when you will hear the truth about the man who lies concealed behind the steel wall of his personality disorder. ...
ETA: Welcome to the newbies. I highly suggest going back to the very first thread and reading thru the first few pages. We put many of the "keeper" articles there.
[This message edited by downfall at 10:48 AM, July 12th (Saturday)]
Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles
Can children of narcissistic parents ever recover?
YES, you can recover from NPD Parents!
First of all you need to learn about recovery and what recovery really is. There is 12 step recovery and then there is therapy and then there is Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT \"Tapping on Emotional Issues to Clear Them\") and there is the recovery model in the mental health field.
There are stages to your recovery: First you realize something is wrong and you go about searching for answers. Then you discover what NPD is and it is a devastating stage to go through as it is like losing a parent that never existed in the first place. Seek support from someone who will listen and validate you and not deny your reality. It is extremely hard to find someone who can supportively listen to someone talk negatively about a parent to the extent of never wanting to speak to your parent ever again. This is shocking to people who had loving parents. Thus, your reality is invalidated which causes further injury, emotional abandonment and rejection. Then one may look further to either find a therapist who \"gets it\" or to seek your own kind - to see if there are any other adult children of NPD parents.
The sad yet good news is that there are many of us out there and they are forming online support groups more and more. Just do a Google search on what you are looking for, like \"narcissistic parent forums\" or something like that and do some research. If you found your way here, you know enough to do some searches.
There you will find support and MOST IMPORTANTLY - VALIDATION. It is the one major thing we did not have growing up, we had no voice, we had no boundaries, we had no loving care and our reality was invalidated so much we were left not knowing what to believe, even our own gut intuition. Thus we had to guess at what normal is. And so forth.
Then the next stage of recovery once you have found your \"tribe\" is the stage of just being able to finally talk about it, hear how others are talking about it, hear how others are dealing with it, etc. etc. This is a bittersweet stage but it can bring a sense of a new freedom and renewed hope. You get what you never had - support, validation, listening. It's like the family you never had. You may not like everyone but you know they \"get it\" and that forms a special bond that helps repair the fact that you had a mother/father who could not bond.
When you start to get the feeling that you are starting to get tired of hearing all the venting and complaining and realizing that the focus is still on the NPD person, past or present you may be one of the lucky ones to look for further recovery. There is more than just being validated and seeing how wicked and bad the NPD is. That is when you begin to look at you.
This can be done in therapy and or via 12 Step, say Alanon or Codependency type recovery or Adult Children type of recovery. It's not really enough, but close enough. Some of them don't really \"get it\" either because their focus is on alcoholism of course and most people in society don't even know what a Personality Disorder is. But if you take the Pro-Active suggestions for SELF-CARE you will be recovering. You will be recovering yourself and your self-neglect behaviors that you internalized from having a parent that programmed you to love them but not yourself.
Self-Care is extremely important - I can't emphasize this enough. Why? Because when you take care of yourself and all your needs (1.) you are providing what you did not get as a child and (2.) you are experiencing what you did not get as a child. There is a healing magic in that experience.
OK, back to recovery. There is also The Recovery Model which is relatively new and it's in the Mental Health field and it's about Wellness. So you can search for WRAP - Wellness Recovery Action Plans. Basically it's about self-care to stay well and knowing your triggers and red-flags and having wellness/healthy strategies in dealing with them, new ways. This is great because you are creating your own individualized recovery program. Your recovery can include going to 12 step or other support type meetings - support for emotional abuse, childhood abuse, relationship abuse, etc. etc. Your recovery can include working the 12 Steps which is really about taking a look at yourself and stop blaming the NPD for all your problems which in turn helps empower you to make changes to be more in control of your life and your reactions and not feel like a helpless victim anymore.
Once in Recovery, alot of emotions come up naturally. The best, easiest, painless, fastest way I have found - and I've been looking for a good 20 years now - is EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques). They don't call it Emotional Freedom for nothing. It truly helps relieve you of distressful, intense feelings and the body sensations that go along with them when you are triggered and upset. All those fears and anxieties, all the regrets and resentments, the rage, the deep sadness and pain, all the stuff you put up with, all the sick dysfunctional relationships you wasted your love and energy and time on - ALL of these things can be "Tapped" on. You Tap on acupuncture points while feeling the distressful feeling - you don't even have to get all the way into the feeling, you don't have to have a breakdown or breakthrough or whatever, and you don't even need to analyze or figure it out and all that. All you have to do is tap and your body relaxes, the emotion subsides and your brain then naturally sort of processes the issue and you feel like it's behind you now.
You can learn EFT for FREE right from the source at emofree.com where it's creator Gary Craig offers a FREE manual of how to learn it - it's really very easy, you just memorize about 12 tapping spots, and the site has hundreds of pages of examples and tips etc. all free. So why not use it on NPD Parent Recovery issues? You can use it on anything. You can also search Utube for videos showing you how to use EFT.
So that brings us to the final stage of recovery which is basically getting a life and living it for the rest of your life. It is about creating your life the way you want it, self-care, learning how to socialize with the good people, learning what to do with your triggers and issues, learning what you enjoy in your life, taking actions that are positive and have positive experiences and results for you. And therein lies the recovery life - you do things that give you a positive experience. Notice I said DO things - you don't wait until you "feel like it" or until you are recovered or healed enough or until your depression goes away or whatever, you are pro-active and you take action and you just do it like Nike says.
You can Tap you can read spiritual and recovery material, you can pray, you can work the 12 Steps, you can devise a WRAP, you can go to therapy, you can read books on your disorders, you can express yourself in groups or in journals, but until you begin to IMPLEMENT healthy actions into your life not much can or will change for you. Why? Well, what the heck do you think you are recovering? You are recovering your life and yourself. It's more than what you are recovering from; it's what you are recovering to. What are you moving toward? What action can you take today that will make you feel good, valued, special, loved, healthy, well? What are you even like when you are well? What actions do you have to take every day to stay well? Every week or month or once in awhile? Because if you did not take these actions what would happen?
You would relapse, whatever relapse means to you. You can relapse into old behaviors, old ways of thinking, depressions, fears, addictions, isolating, etc. You know how you've been dealing with the affects of NPD - the best way you could given that you had no knowledge or resources. But now you do have knowledge and resources and though you were not in any way responsible for what happened to you, you are responsible for yourself and your life and your recovery now and for the rest of your life. So you might as well make the best of it.
Recovery is the reward for all your hard work my friends. Recovery is more than the absence of pain, it is the new freedom and joy of life that you never even knew you could ever have. It's new friends, its peace and serenity, it's what you make it and many surprises along the way as well. Life will not always be great, no one said you are exempt from further traumas, tragedies, illnesses, hurts, losses, etc. life is still life, the good and the bad - but - you don't have to trudge it alone and you have tools now to help you get through.
Then when you are there, you will turn and look and see how far you have come and you will see and know that there are so many more out there still suffering that you may want to share your recovery with others so that they too have a shot at this thing.
Lastly, one huge aspect of NPD recovery for adult children is the topic of relationships. It's not bad enough we had NPD parents, but guess what? We get to have all the fun of marrying them and working for them and having them as best friends and the like until we have hit our bottom so to speak and take a look at why we are always victim to them, attracting them or attracted to them in some unconscious way. This is a big part of the recovery process, too much to write about here, but it includes taking a look at what you were thinking when you first met the N's in your life, and challenging beliefs you have about yourself (I'm too damaged, Healthy people are boring, I can fix him, I'll be rewarded for all my sacrifice, I can get approval from her, and finally I will be alright then.) When this survival plan does not work it is a devastating place to be in. You've tried your upmost best, given all of yourself and all of your prime years, your energy, time and money into trying to make these relationships work. Of course you did, you were programmed from the cradle to do so. It's ok that you did this, but now it's time to take a look at it and learn about choices you have, learn new ways of being in the world, new ways of relating to others, etc. And the reward is real, supportive and loving relationships in your life. Don't be surprised if this takes a bit of getting used to. You're not used to love and support. But my friends, you deserve it. You have been giving it your whole life - just imagine someone like yourself giving that love to you. Hopefully you are smiling with tears in your eyes right now because I am. I am smiling because This response to the question "Can we recover" is the result of my recovery and I'm so grateful I have so much to give to you. Stop by and visit me some time, I'm working on a website to do more of this - give recovery tips and teach people to Tap for emotional freedom, healing and growth. I call it PsyQiSoma (dot com) - Psy for the MIND, Qi for ENERGY and Soma for the BODY. It will be a work in progress so more will be added to it over time. I might just post this whole answer there as well.
If I can recover, you can too. I ran away from home at 14 and then got thrown into a mental hospital and then rehabs for acting out. I never went back home. My mother ended up homeless for years and alot of other drama. I've been on my own since age 17 and went to community colleges because I was so interested in psychology to try and figure out what the hell is going on here. Is she crazy or am I? I suffered great depression, ended up married to an N, lost everything after years of hard work to make it, and hit my bottom hard. But that question led to a life time of social work and a Master's degree in Psychology. And my love for my son refused to let me give up. So I attend 12 step meetings, I've done some great therapy and some not so great and since 2002 I've been tapping my problems away to a new life. I tap on my fears when I want to take a healthy risk. I practice self-care and take recovery actions on a regular basis. So my recovery has been a combination of these things, and your recovery will be a combination of things that will work for you. Take what you can use and disregard the rest.
Downfall -- thanks for posting that article.
You think you're the only one, and then the relief to learn that others have experienced the same...
((((Tribe)))) You all are the best!