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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N.P.D. Thread part VI
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Speaking of sex, we hardly ever cuddled after sex. It was all about him. He also knew my cycle better than me. Guess I had one too many headaches!

There was always something flying around here or walls with holes in them.

He called me crazy so many times that I started believing it. I started counseling and I brought this up to her. She said that the only thing wrong with me is that HE caused me to have PTSD. He is always saying that I am bipolar so when she told me this, I told him and his response was that they were the same thing and I am still crazy.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
downfall
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Member # 7430
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((peridot))

I hope your not believing this. You are not crazy - you are injured.

Just the same as if he had twisted your arm until it broke; a N can twist your soul.

As with any wound, there may be scars, but you can and will heal.

There is a "I can relate" topic on PTSD. I hope it has some information that will help you. It was very difficult for me working thru the PTSD with 2 children and 3 dogs - constantly some sort of sudden loud noise!!! Hang tight, it can be done.

Many positive thoughts.


Dday June 16 2005: Separated 2/06 Divorced 3/09

Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles


Posts: 3048 | Registered: Jun 2005
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I do not believe I am crazy or bipolar. This is just something that he likes to believe. I don't know what it is about the loud noises but they bother me as well. I have two kids, one is 3 and the other is 7. I used to could tune them out and the noise wouldn't bug me but here lately any loud noise irritates me. I've also noticed that I can't concentrate on things like I used to. I haven't watched tv in who knows how long. My IC did give me some relaxtion CDs and they help some.

[This message edited by peridot at 12:45 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't watched tv in who knows how long.

It's because we're on SI so much!!


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's because we're on SI so much!!

Yes, but this is so much more fun and it helps us to heal. Not to mention my family and friends are probably tired of hearing me whine even though they tell me they aren't.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
cjonesjag
♀ Member
Member # 10617
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

back to the sex thing...

Sex with N's is never about intimacy. Its either a way to prove their desirability (somatic N's) or a form of control (usually cerebral N's).

Mine was cerebral, and he displayed ALL the usual stuff ~ took great pains to look like he knew everything about everything. Sex was just a form of manipulation, and he seemed PROUD of his ability to withhold affection.

He once told me (long ago), that he "knew his (ex) wife wanted *it*, but he wouldn't do *it*." He purposefully withheld affection as a form of punishment (of sorts).

*I* noticed that he would become unusually disinterested in me around "that time of the month." He seemed to know (better than I) when it was approaching, and would ignore me even MORE during those few days. I said that to him once; "I am pretty much useless to you if I've got the curse, right?" Of course he denied it and said that I was mistaken.

I've learned to trust my gut and I know better now.

They are *cold* mother-buggers..I often wondered how withholding affection and intimacy (along with the long-term silent treatment) could possibly make a person "happy." I guess the manipulation, control and personality are all fed by these types of things. What an exhausting and empty way of life!!!


Me (BS):50
Him(WTFH):51 Married: 05/26/2002
DD#1: 09/2005 (EA) DD#2: 09/2006
Mini-DDays: Many. Mostly online
DIVORCED 10/20/10
It's not what you've got, it's what you give.
It ain't the life you choose, it's the life you live

Posts: 6400 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Michigan
sunlil
♀ Member
Member # 6312
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I often wondered how withholding affection and intimacy (along with the long-term silent treatment) could possibly make a person "happy."

I've wondered that too.

My H does the withholding and silent treatment too. The silent treatment is usually short-lived but he can withhold affection and intimacy for months and months.

I have been lonelier in this marriage than I ever was alone.


Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - Lucille Ball

Posts: 2518 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Central Nevada
Heartless Bytchh
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Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm having such a hard time with all of this.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
sunlil
♀ Member
Member # 6312
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((HB))))))


Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - Lucille Ball

Posts: 2518 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Central Nevada
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how to get it out w/o total embarrassment.
I'm not even sure this is the right place for it.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB - I am not surprised. To deal with everthing you have to deal with and emerge as wonderful as you are is truely miraculous. You know we are all here for you.

My counsellor says that ptsd is quite common after dealing with an npd relationship. My concentration span was like a goldfish. I never watched tv or listened to music. I do now. It takes time to feel relaxed in your own skin again. It is a slow process.

The thing about the freaks being interested in our menstrul cycles is very odd. After no sex for months - because he was busy with ow -and we had a reconcilliation, he remarked about having to remember what my cycle was like - "I will make a mental note of that now". I thought it was weird at the time.
Reading on here is so strange as it brings back so memories of things that obviously felt wrong at the time.
The silent treatment!! I found it quite nice at times as I did not want to speak to him. He was a nutter. I knew it, I just could not face the truth.

I am still struggling with my counsellors words. To know he wanted me dead is so hard to accept. It keeps playing on my mind. I am having trouble getting to grips with this one.


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
sunlil
♀ Member
Member # 6312
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB,

One thing I'm noticing as I make my way through all of the NPD threads is when someone brings up something their N does or has done, it turns out they're not the only one.

If you need support this is the place for it.


Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - Lucille Ball

Posts: 2518 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Central Nevada
cjonesjag
♀ Member
Member # 10617
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not even sure this is the right place for it.

There *is* no better place.


Me (BS):50
Him(WTFH):51 Married: 05/26/2002
DD#1: 09/2005 (EA) DD#2: 09/2006
Mini-DDays: Many. Mostly online
DIVORCED 10/20/10
It's not what you've got, it's what you give.
It ain't the life you choose, it's the life you live

Posts: 6400 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Michigan
gillianbx
♀ Member
Member # 18465
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to share a "crazy" situation and see if anyone had something similiar.
When I found out about my husband's affair, his reaction was that now that I knew, I needed to be complete transparent with him. (NOT the other way around). He was going to tap my cell phone and put spyware on my computer and I better not remove either of them. He had his friends follow me wherever I went and then he wanted me to share with him any time that I had cheated on him during the marriage. It was only fair, I knew about his infidelity, he should know about mine. There weren't any times, so then he wanted to know anytime that I may have thought impure thoughts. He bullied me into admitting that I had once had a crush on a fellow worker at a job that I had seven years ago. I never, repeat never, did anything about the crush. I remained professional and nobody even knew that I thought that the man I worked with was attractive.
When I told my husband this, he called me a slut. Me. I was a slut even though he had been sleeping with another woman for seven months and before that he had had numerous one-night stands.
Then he gave me a list of things that I had to change in order for him to break up with his girlfriend and stay with me. He would moniter my changes and if I was successful then our marriage would be saved. In the meantime, he would continue to date both his girlfriend and me and I was not allowed to contact his girlfriend and let her know that he was still dating both of us. (He even told me that he had told her that his marriage was through and he was faithful to her. I was not allowed to harm his relationship with his girlfriend if I wanted him to stay married to me.)
So, essentially I became the other woman with my own husband.
And, damnit, for a year I tried to follow all of the rules and make all of the necessary changes to keep this rat bastard.
Later, I will tell you all of the changes and rules. You will choke on your coffee as you read it and you will not believe that a woman with my intelligence and beauty and grace would actually follow it. I can't believe it myself.


"If you want to change your reality, change your focus. If you want to change your focus, change the questions you ask yourself. Questions control your focus, therefore questions control your own experience of life." -Kobi Yamada


Posts: 128 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: missouri
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes you feel like the kid in transformers, when they're in the helicopter, and someone asks him; "So why are you here?"

Shrugging his shoulders, he says; "I bought a car that was an alien robot. Who knew?"

(((Gilli)))) - I think you're gettin a chapter in the NPD codebook we're cobbling together~!
My mind may just finally break, reading the year-long torture of it. Be easy on me, ok?

downfall's stuff - I'll never forget how gong-clangingly resonant it is:

Blame is their way of unloading their character defects onto you. Listen closely to the hateful things they say to you about you. You are listening to verbatim descriptions of their character defects. This is extremely important to remember,


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
downfall
♀ Member
Member # 7430
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((hb))

Please feel free to pm if your not comfortable putting it out here yet. Any one of us, (well women) here I'm sure would be happy to help you along. Some answers you can only obtain yourself, and we completely understand if this is something you just want to wait and come upon yourself.

I just wanted to let you know that your welcome to pm anytime. I usually check in a few times a day; even though I don't post much. Please remember, we are here for you. Nothing sounds too silly or out there for us.

Many positive thoughts.


Dday June 16 2005: Separated 2/06 Divorced 3/09

Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles


Posts: 3048 | Registered: Jun 2005
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When we tried to R after the seperation and started MC, I gave him a list of stuff that I wanted to him to work on. He also gave me a list which consisted of having sex with him more often(he's also a sex addict, this was first on his list),quit being a bitch and quit snooping. I actually started working on the list, only one I did was the quit bitching for about a month. He never did one damn thing on my list so I started being a bitch again, especially when I found out that all through MC he was on dating and porn sites.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((gillian))))) That is horrible.

My ex tried to twist things around on me as well. Not to that degree but he said that "everyone cheats sometime" and I did things that were worst than his cheating. He really could come up with offences that were so bad.

HB I am sorry you are struggling with this. I know I still can't believe how horrible my ex would treat me in bed. It hurt me emotionally and I am sure I will still have difficulty in that area if I got into another relationship in the future. Sex was all about control and he had little to no effort to meet my needs. He basically used me to mastribate and that times if I "offended" him in the bedroom he would get up and walk out in the middle of the act. At times the offence would be moving in the 'wrong' way or making noice or speaking anything was enough to 'offend' him. It was very humiliating. If the act caused me arousal it often made it more difficult for him to be pleasured by the sex. It was very weird and sick.

Being alone is definitally easier than living with that. He became less andf less interested in me and would withhold affection as well. It seemed to mostl be a way to reward me for "acceptable behaviour" or punishing me if I was not acting the way I should.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
Heartless Bytchh
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Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Downfall, thank you. It's very embarrassing.

I will put this out here though and see if y'all have had similar experiences.

Many times over the yrs NPD freakazoid would ask me questions about when Iwas raped at 11 yrs old and when I was molested by a family member as a kid.
I thought it was because he cared about me and I thought it did me good to talk about it.
I couldn't talk about it for over 10 yrs to anyone.

Then I started noticing he would get aroused when I talked about it.
That bothered me so much.

Thought it was just my imagination for a long time.
Thought I was nutso for a long time.
Thought I was paranoid for a long time.

You know how you always think it's you?

Like a rape victim blames themself or a kid who's folks are getting a D.

So I started watching and sure enough, I was frikkin right!
That really got to me.
That he was using my pain and horrible experiences to get his jollies.

So I just quit.
Whenever he'd bring it up, I'd just say I didn't really feel like talking about it right now.
Is this NPD behaviour?
Was he feeding off of me and my pain?
I think so.

Have any of y'all had this kind of experience?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is more than just being validated and seeing how wicked and bad the NPD is. That is when you begin to look at you.

Downfall, this really jumped out at me.
I'm glad you posted it after some hesitation.

I think this is what I'm doing now.
Trust me, I've been doing a lot of inner soul searching the last couple of years.
I don't always like what I see.
That's one of the things I'm struggling with now.

The thing is...
where do I go from here?
How do I deal w/what's inside myself?
My grief over NIki is overwhelming.
I'm only still on the planet because I'm here for my son.
And that doesn't really help me much.
That's embarrassing as hell.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
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