NPDSTBX supposedly has ED problems now.
I suspect it's just with me.
Not sure, don't care anymore.
It doesn't matter.
But, here's a laugh...
Recently he asked me if I thought he should get Viagra or something.
Like I'm gonna help him in anyway in THAT department.
All this was recently after I told him he needs to go to a Dr. and find out what's going on and he blew up in my face with "When do I have time?"
So... what's my motivation here to help him?
The thought of having sex w/him just makes my skin crawl like I've got maggots all over me.
And I'll be damned if I help enable him in his A w/ OW's.
He's on his own there,shwweetheart.
I need that list of names also!
I may have to make a trip to the library and see if they have some books.
Don't have a whole lot of money now that the control freak has decided to cut me off.
Oh well, he'll have his day in court soon. Just hope the judge sees him for who he is. That's what's got me worried. Hoping he doesn't pull one over on the judge.
It is what it is.
NPDSTBX supposedly has ED problems now. Recently he asked me if I thought he should get Viagra or something.
He's still trying to suck you back in. Hoping you'll kick into your nurturing, care-giving mode and "help" him fix this little ED problem.
I would like to suggest way more NC with him. Let his calls go to voicemail. Ignore, ignore, ignore. He's toxic poison that you don't need. Child, finances/divorce issues only.
Can you do it?
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
StBX is supposed to be here Mon to pick up DS for a couple weeks ride on the truck.
Knowing him, he'll show up tomorrow.
That's another thing he's done for sometime now.
He won't give me an actual time for when he's going to be in.
Many times, he's called me and said he was hitting the exit and would be here in a few minutes.
Is this P/A behaviour?
It's like he's trying to catch me at something.
God knows what it could be.
It's not like I've got a man hidden under the bed.
Though, there's times I wish I did.
Hmmm, wonder if I could find some volunteers for that on some dating site.
Don't worry, I'm just snarking.
Gillian - your freak is a nutter. To get you to own up to infidelity to make his position justifiable??? Mine did something similar - I was either a lesbian or having an affair - because that would excuse his own infidelity!!
Lied - the sexual thing is very disturbing. When I read your post it again, reminded me of my freak's weirdness! I felt watched during sex. I used to think it was because he wanted to see the pleasure he gave me! Oh no! He was monitoring my performance.
Wounded - yours is a freak as well! Excuse me if I am wrong but an evening snack is not usually grounds for divorce or infidelity!! My freak once said to me I had two stomachs I was so fat! I don't think so. In his mind my bit of chub round the middle was the reason for him to bonk the ow!
Cj - the embarrassment or all of this! I know, I know...It could never happen to someone like me etc etc. Get rid of that emotion as it is totally pointless. Shit happens to people, ours was crossing paths with insanity. I also have to carry my boobs around in a wheelbarrow! Getting to the point where it needs to be a family-sized saloon!
HB - Your ex is a bastard. Insanity has no boundries as your freak proves. I am sorry for your pain, you certainly have a lot to deal with my friend. But as we all know, you can do it. Your post about the money struck a cord with me - I went without for years, making sure the kids had what they needed. Always last on the list. My ex said to me that I had let myself go. We didn't, it was putting others first because we love them. These freaks have no comprehension of that emotion. However, now it the time for you to take care of yourself. With us helping you.
They are all freaks. Their maddness is terrifying but at least we now know what we are dealing with. Better to know - knowledge is power.
We still have to do w/o things like the latest video game system or the latest DVD out on release.
The kids gripe about it and call me a tightwad.
I don't care.
I have different priorities than kids do.
Like paying bills, making sure I have enough food in the house, enough gas in the car(that's not easy these day!).
I don't get into buying the latest fad crap like kids do.
And my 15 yr old son eats like a horse!
He goes through milk like it was free.
When he's on a milk jag, he'll use a gallon a day.
He's used 2G a day at times.
I don't care.
I feel like he should have the strongest bones in N America.
I'm trying to take care of myself in many ways.
I've put me and son first and I like it that way.
It's for our betterment in the long run.
One little step at a time.
I wish I could tell you it is faster or easier. I can tell you it is worth every little baby step. And shit is gonna just jump out at ya - take you by surprise, catch you off guard , and make you doubt yourself. It is a one step forward; two steps backwards process some days.
I can only imagine what your going thru with losing your daughter. (beautiful pic of her you posted in f&g btw. brought a tear to my eye) They would have had to lock me up for a long time I feel - even with the other child to consider. We never know how strong we are until actually face-to-face with the devastation. My heart goes out to you.
What your N did is inexcusable. That simple. Don't try to gray the situation. You know it, I know it, everyone here knows it - he even knows it on some instinctual level. That is part of why he runs from himself and lays the blame elsewhere.
The N and I had it out right here on the boards regarding why he was not permitted to see the children on an individual basis. It took the the full support of the board and IC to convince him it was in the children's best interest.
The thought of having sex w/him just makes my skin crawl like I've got maggots all over me.
I so understand that statement.
I can't give you all the answers - but I can tell you your headed in the right direction. They used to tell me "keep climbing, and don't look down". We used the analogy of a ladder a lot. Just stay focused on the step your on and the one in front of you. Don't take your eyes off the top (goal).
Many positive thoughts for you.
Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles
Mine did something similar I was either a lesbian or having an affair - because that would excuse his own infidelity!!
*Nodding head* Oh, yeah. I got that too. Shortly after he told me that he wanted to D, and I was begging him to stay, and he was heavy into the blameshifting. He said that he thought I was having an affair with someone at work because I was always talking about him, and because I wasn't interested in sex.
So, clearly, he was justified in having his A and leaving his wife and kids.
Let's see: I might have been having an affair, I had ice cream too much at night, there were too many boxes in the garage, I was sick too much, I wouldn't beat and ridicule my children, our son was tardy to school 14 times in 6th grade, and most importantly, I couldn't satisfy his sexual needs.
You know what, he was right. I am clearly a horrible, evil person. And he was right to have an affair and abandon his family.
I swear, they are truly warped, aren't they?
How am mI trying to gray an area?
Do you see something I'm not?
After losing Niki, I have no idea what's right and wrong anymore.
Maybe some day I'll get that back.
Until then, it's just one thing at a time for me.
To become aroused because of the violent attack of his beloved WIFE, as a CHILD, is seriously sick. There is no other way to say it, and you should NOT be embarrassed because of his behavior.
Jonesy is right! Her entire post is spot on.
I never got a written list but I was told many of the same things on your list!
1. Not enough sex. Not enough and not interesting enough.
Yep, I heard that one too. I'll grant him that there wasn't much sex. I didn't want to be sexually intimate with someone I couldn't be emotionally intimate with.
"Interesting" sex requires, for me, a level of trust and intimacy that we just didn't have anymore.
2. Too much clutter in the house and garage.
Ah yes, my horrific housekeeping skills drove him to have an A.
Did he ever lift a finger to help? Nope.
He also never notices what was done, only what isn't.
For example; I spent hours waxing the car one day. (It's something I enjoy doing.) When I finished, he pointed out that the license plates weren't clean enough.
3. My personal health issues
Yep. I've had clinical depression most of my life and he used to be downright nasty about it.
4. Differences in parenting / discipline styles.
Yes, again! I'm not hard enough, not strict enough, too nice, too understanding, etc.
He kept telling me I should beat the kids. I found this somewhat baffling since he doesn't.
If nothing else, I figure what doesn't kill me gives me bigger boobs.
I want what doesn't kill me to give me perkier boobs, they're big enough already!
None of this is YOUR fault. You should not be embarassed about anything THEY have done. Like CJ says it's had to crawl out from under all of this.
NPD's are PRO's at convincing us that EVERYTHING is our fault.
My XNPDH had similar lists as all of yours. The house was never clean enough, but he would never lift a finger to help. The yard never looked good enough, yet he insisted I cancel the yard service because *he* was going to do it himself. He never even mowed. Keep in mind I was working a full time job that required at least 50% travel PLUS, I'm suppose to keep up on all of this shit at home that I did just fine with before HE came along. Hmmmm. It goes on. The garage was a huge disaster and he bitched about that constantly. But it was his crap that he dumped in the middle of the floor when he moved in. I wouldn't DARE throw any of his precious things away in order to clean it up. He certainly wasn't going to clean it up either. It seemed he'd rather just bitch.
He would bitch and complain how much it cost to have my hair and my nails done. But then when I stopped doing it, he complained that I was "letting myself go."
More on the sex thing. He would watch me and measure my reactions in order to gage his own performance. It had NOTHING to do with my own enjoyment or satisfation. It was ALL ABOUT HIM. Like the rest of you, I could just HURL at the thought.
You can't win with these idiots. And chances are if you're like me, you probably tried harder than you've ever tried in your life. And they just shit on you in the worst way.
My XNPDH never did admit to his NUMEROUS affairs. He'd even had a baby with one OW. Yet he still managed to demonize me, turn it all around and become the victim. He told anyone who would listen that I had abused him, cheated on him, my parents "tricked" him into marrying me. (keep in mind I was 34 years old living on my own, owned my own home and doing quite well.) He told people that I had "hidden mental illness" he told people that I was a drug addict and a drug dealer, he told people that I was dangerous. In the end, the only ones that believed him were his immediate family. But it still sucked because I was still sitting in a state of shock wondering what just hit me.
It takes time to recover from this type of ABUSE. Don't discount it, this is what it is. Get into counseling, keep posting here, and read everything you can on NPD. Accept that you won't heal overnight, but that every day will be better than the last.
HB, when you ask, "Where do I go from here?"
You keep moving forward with the rest of us.
(((Hugs to all)))
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)
He's pissed off my dad for the last time.
My dd says he's no longer part of stbx "feel good" team.
My stbx will go on and on about how he likes my dad.
My dad's a pretty cool guy.
But I think he's had enough of stbx' ways.
One time stbx called me and asked me if I'd talked to my dad lately.
When I told him no, he went into this tirade about keeping in touch w/my dad.
I wondered at the time where this was coming from.
Now it makes a lot more sense.
It was probably something for him to run me down for.
Something to feed on.
Or, maybe he thought he could convince your dad that YOU were the "bad" one in the marriage. My XNPDH tried that with my dad too. BIG MISTAKE. It didn't go over very well, as I'm sure it didn't with your dad.
Dads are the best, aren't they? I'm glad yours is cool too.
If he's trying to make me look bad to my dad, it ain't gonna happen.
Dad and I have always been close and I've been a daddy's girl too long.
When I was little, I drove him crazy w/ "Daddy, why?" questions.
If he didn't know the answer he'd find out and let me know it a few days later.
I've got one of the best dad's in the world.
When I was raped, the cops told him that if anything happened to the guy who did it, they'd come looking for him.
They knew dad wanted a piece of him.
We've had a very good R all my life.
He's always been honest w/me except one time when he had a gf that was spreading awful rumors all over town about me.
When I told him about it, he got very defensive of her.
But we've resolved that situation yrs ago.
He would watch me and measure my reactions in order to gage his own performance.
Mine doesn't watch me when we're having sex but I've often caught him watching me in many other settings or situations.
He wasn't looking at me lovingly or just a normal glance, I felt studied.
I'd say "What?" and he'd always say "Nothing."
Never knew what to make of it, until now.
Sunny, I'll bet he was scheming up different ways to mind fuck you.
I think, since the times I've caught him watching me were either social settings or when we were watching a movie or TV show, that he was watching my reactions.
Maybe filing them away for his own use later.