Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
It struck me in going over the posts that brainwashing isn't the only legacy of dealing with an NPD. There also seems to be a lot of shame involved. We ask ourselves how we could have stayed with someone who treated us so badly for so long -- and we become determined to fix it, all on our own.
We don't need to.
If family and friends will help, we should ask them. We've probably done them many favors.
If police need to be called, we should make that phone call. What they do to us on a daily basis is a shame, but not a crime. When it does become a crime, we need to be on it like a duck on a June bug. They would never show us the same mercy (I can personally attest to that).
Once you get rid of the shame, you will be surprised at how liberated you feel. I know I surely do. In the past few weeks, he has tried to start arguments over the spout on a Tide bottle, grits (he ended up smashing a bag of grits all over the floor), salad dressing (it had expired, and he saved it for a couple of weeks so he could ask me what to do with it), and this morning's offering was because I asked him if he wanted to go to a meetup with parents of other kids with the same disease our child has. I got the lofty response that he didn't make friends over the Internet. I've got printouts of 65 e-mails at HornyMatches.com that says otherwise. It must be nice to possess magical thinking. Once upon a time, I would have let those things go, or felt guilty, or responsible. They're not my problem anymore, and I react like normal people would when presented with such kookus: I question it.
[This message edited by veritas at 3:55 PM, April 28th (Monday)]
I have had to explain his refusal to the child protection worker (as well as some of his other behavious) and I can almost hear the "what are YOU doing wrong that he treats you like this" Why can't YOU get him to cooperate with you and co-parent with you?
It drives me nuts because I even have training in dealing with crap like that but the techniques just don't work well on him because he is ingrained in doing the opposite of what I ask.
The whole "forgive yourself" for your part. In my case I have to forgive myself for not running sooner and feeling frustrated and angry for having to stand up to him over and over. I do so much better when there is NC at all.
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
He had the kids on Friday night, and called at 9:15 on Saturday morning to ask if he could bring them home early rather than meeting me at DDs track meet as planned. Fine. He was apparently done with them. He really has no idea what to do with them, especially if he doesn't have OW to keep them entertained.
He brings them home and proceeds to engage me in a calm discussion about setting up a more "formal" visitation arrangement. We have no temp orders yet. So after about one minute the ugliness comes out. The sneer, the finger wagging, the blame shifting, the accusations, the intimidation, the threats, the denial. All of it - and the kids in the next room.
The best quote of the day was this (made with the finger in full wagging mode): "I did not leave you for her! You have got to get over it! You know exactly why I left!" Yeah, I do - for her.
I finally said, "Just leave now." He launched off in a tirade about how this was his house and he had a right to be here, and I can't force him to leave, blah, blah... So I repeated my request for him to leave. He replied, "I'm not going anywhere. Call the cops if you want!". So I did. He left then, of course.
The gall of him to be going on about how he's only thinking of the kids, he's trying to keep things consistent for the kids, and then he's going off on me in front of the kids and forcing my hand by goading me into calling the cops on him. All for the kids to see and hear.
Dad of the Year material here, don't you think?
I am so sick of this crap.
I'm headed over to S/D to see your post. I'm also there under "Protective Orders in CA". I'm right there with you on taking this crap. I called my attorney's office and left a message. She called back while I was out to lunch saying she would try me again, but I did not hear from her. I can't take it anymore. I don't know how much work and expense is involved in getting some kind of order, but I can't take this from day to day anymore. I need some peace. I told him email only. No verbal contact anymore.
I use a hotmail account so that I can access it from anywhere.
I just can't believe he is make such a huge stick about a freakin phone number. I can imagine looking in anyone would consider us both freaks but I am tired of giving in and having him walk all over me the next time. I not longer do that.
If he feels like taking me back to court then I am game. I will make the visit worht my while since I have a few things I would love to change. He can explain to the courts why it will be in the children's best interest that I (and they) not have his land phone number. That would be worth hearing.
I need y'alls input on this situation -
WH (The Cap'n - because he looks like Captain Kangaroo)is scheduled to come to the house tomorrow morning to gather his personal things. He does not want anyone to be here, but that's not going to happen. My question to you is, Does anyone have advice or suggestions for how to deal with him while he is here? I have not set eyes on him since March 25, when I confronted him about his A. There has been some e-mail exchange regarding finances and this visit for his personal things, but I've been NC otherwise.
I am making myself nervous about what do to, say, act, wear (for god's sake!)...I keep running through it all and I'm guessing that my best stance is to be as standoffish as possible, answer only when he asks a question and do everything I can to get him out of the house as quickly as possible.
Any other thoughts or suggestions?
p.s. he will be very pissed to discover that I will be here at home, as will my BFF - who can kick ass with the best of them...
Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy
Hhave the police or at least one or two (preferably burly) friends with you as he gathers his things. Do not be alone with him for any reason. Be sure that the witnesses are near you at all times.
This will take the wind out of his sails and show that you mean buisness.
Hope this helps.
Balancing Act -- You might want to check the recording laws wrt sound. Some states have laws that prohibit recording sound, so you might want to just keep the camera rolling with the volume down.
Mine has done a COMPLETE turnaround. He was a complete little whiny jackass last night, told me to fuck off in front of the kids, was taking pots off the stove and putting them in our daughter's face to give her the experience of looking at meatballs -- and this morning got up and saw the news that gas prices might double. Now he loves me and we need to do things together, like take bike rides, and ride to work together. Because it annoys him that he leaves so much earlier than I do that maybe if he left later and rode to work with me, he wouldn't mind me being in the bed in the morning. Is that romance or what????
*ain't falling for it*
BalancingAct, police will do something called a "civil standby" during this sort of situation. You can call ahead and schedule one, and they're more than happy to assist. Believe me, they'd rather do this than come break up a fight and make a report about DV.
If you don't want the police standby, make sure you *and* your friend both keep your cell phones on you with 911 ready to fire at any second. It's likely he's going to explode when he sees anybody at all is at the house, so make sure you two are prepared at all times. And remember, if you or she strikes him, you could be arrested for assault. I wouldn't rely on your kung fu or whatever it is to protect you. He'd ramp the situation up so high that you would have all kinds of charges brought against you.
N's do not do things like normal people. Even tremendous jackasses don't like making a scene. An N loves nothing MORE than a scene, and will fake injuries and everything else if they think it'll get them one.
I would recommend you just get a police standby. That's the only guarantee with an N that you won't be facing legal problems later, IMO.
I seriously doubt that he will even THINK about getting physical with either of us. He has never handled his rage in that way. He goes completely silent and physically removes himself from the situation.
So....I really don't think that civil standby is necessary, but my BFF's husband has asked a highway patrol officer friend of theirs to stop by and say hi to us while the Cap'n is here tomorrow.
My question really was more about MY demeanor during the time he's here. I know that he won't get physical, and the fact of my friend being here will definitely ensure that.
It was awesome.
I assume there is already an agreed upon list of what he is taking. If so don't divert from the list. He gets only what is on the list and he doesn't get to "shop" for more. That part is also a much IMHO.
Calm, cool, and collected is the best way to go.
Mine reacts in the same manner when he's severely ticked off...just because he's not a violent drunk using drugs & having RAGES does not make him any less an N.
It still is very un-nerving and I've not gone near the N snake in well over a year now.
OH! yeah! get the popcorn ready!
what movie are we watchin?
no worries, mate!
First I acted happy that he was moving out. Didn't go out of my way to say much but just acted calm and happy. I watched everything mine did and didn't say anything until he tried to take something that he shouldn't have. I kept my responses short. "No, that's mine."
He did drag the whole thing out to last for 3 weekends and left me waiting for him to come back and finish for a whole afternoon while he was "shopping for shoes." He got away with a couple of items I wanted to keep that weren't expensive.
He HAS to do something like that to feel good, you know? So I figured if it made him happy to drag it out, let me wait, and take a couple of cheap things, then I got off easy and it was a cheap price to pay to be rid of him finally.
Good luck to you.