Itsa, I can so relate to your posts. I, too am "between worlds"----I will go out on a date and feel that he is NPDish and think "Oh my God, I am attracting it again"! --- Then have a date with a normal, healthy man and think "Oh my God, I don't know how to deal with this"!
Maybe we are more conscious now, and that's a good sign....but it sure takes time to adjust
Firewalker, you are very kind. I am healing, but I have a looooonnnngg way to go. I owe a great deal to the folks here. When I came here last year, reeling from the onslaught of PTS after almost 20 joyful years away from my NPD ex, I had never heard of NPD. Because of SI, I learned all about it and began to understand that old pain. I am one of the fortunate ones who NEVER has to deal with Bizarro in person. And now I am learning how to deal with the residual damage.
Anytime that any part of my experience is helpful to someone else, it is like medicine for me. You have really brightened my day.
So it is so helpful to find those (like yourself) who are so clearly on the path of healing. It's a long road but a much sunnier one than the NPD highway
May his truck break down in Deliverance.
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
Itsa, I'm going through some similar things. I started "dating" this year and it's hard. I don't feel normal. Usually on date 2, our ex's and what happened comes up. If I say very much, I feel like damaged goods that no one is going to want. It's shameful for me I guess to even briefly say what happened. What are we going to do about all these feelings?
I also had what was to be a great outing this weekend with friends. I was very psyched about it and feeling good about myself being out doing things moving forward and all. However, we got to talking about the "dating" situation. One friend threw me back into depression. He made it sound like no one's going to stay together long term any more and kind of downplayed what I'd been through like it was to be expected--like the ex didn't do anything bad to me and I should grow up and be an adult. I realize that this is his issue because he dumped his long-term wife after cheating on her (big disappointment to learn that). Still it has me feeling down and I am fighting to bring myself back up out of the sadness it caused me.
Just how long does it take for us to get to feeling good again? I have been actively working at moving forward for about 3 years now. At times it feels so hopeless and tiring and my heart just aches. Other times, I can feel elated about my progress. The ups and downs of it just makes it worse for me.
[This message edited by OutFromUnder at 1:02 PM, July 27th (Sunday)]
Then we talked about divorce and I told him some things about my ex. He also knew about npd as well.
I opened up to him as a person - not as a man - I hope you understand what I mean! It changed the dynamics and he was so lovely,kind and supportive. He said I was like a little fledgling.
It was a nice evening and he respects and likes me as a person. So much so he made no moves as he knows how very vulnerable I am. I think he might of at one point but who knows - perhaps he just felt sorry for me! Big old insecurity complex coming into play here.
And this is how I came to fall in complete love with my friend, who is now Mr. T. Many months later, it looked like there was no hope for a romance with him and I'd given up. I was obviously broken and weird and freaked out by life, and not worth his time. I concentrated on maintaining the friendship and healing. Then... he walked into the room I was in and grabbed me and kissed me without a word. During the course of that night, he said something to me that I didn't understand until a year later: "You're ready now."
We are fledglings at first. It's a very apt word. We can't survive on our own. We need friends and family around us as we feed and grow and get our feathers. But once we have them... watch out. We're beautiful, independent, and flying higher than anyone else can imagine.
Don't be distraught, and don't worry too much about your friend. Keep that friendship close to your heart. It may or may not end up in a romance, but you'll learn a lot of things about yourself during the course of it. Soon, your feathers will have grown in. And you'll be ready.
[This message edited by Threnody at 2:06 PM, July 27th (Sunday)]
(((itsa))) Babe, you made it through the first step! That's huge! You have to learn how to crawl before you can walk. All y'all did was go out for coffee; try to take each step as it comes along. You've barely even started and you're already imagining disaster. You've gone out and had a nice conversation with a nice man, and the sun, the moon, and the stars stayed in the sky, and there were no earthquakes or hurricanes, no lightning to strike you down -- it's gonna be okay. You might even do it again
HB: How did it go?
LL: Good to see you back again, girlie!
Bob: I'm a little confused as to what Christianity has to do with your dating the woman whom you set up to take care of the kids. Speaking as a kid, I'd be pissed. I also wouldn't give up on your girls as "lost" to their mother's ways, either. Just a few short months ago, you were praising them for their insight and wisdom. Ever since you began dating the nanny, their behavior has degenerated to the point where they remind you of your NPDX. Do you really believe that there is no connection? I don't know much about what has been going on with you and them, but I would at least give the thought some consideration.
BA: Sending some job mojo on your way.
As for myself, NPD up to not only his usual tricks, but perhaps a few more. I was at the barber shop with the kids when one of them out of the blue asked me if I had a tape recorder. He said no, he didn't want to tape anything, he didn't need one, blah blah, and he refused to say why he was asking this. I can only conclude that NPD is telling him about how I recorded him, possibly even asking him to find out if I am! As if... like I would share such adult information with my kids!
The Christianity thing was stated that my kids were being difficult cause I'm a sinner.
The girls are good. They are being shits. DD9 left with her mother unbekownest to me today (many times last week also) even though her and her mother know that that is not how it's to work out.
Saturday DD9 took off to her mom's on her bike.
Today she has with her at her mom's a nieghbor kid, who she's been told is not to play indoors here or any where with. This kid just came back from the loony ward. I've asked counselors to look after he and his bro ther as they are very neglicted. I've tried to help these boys, but they contin ue to trash my house (STBXPW's also) and have hit my daughter more than once. It ain't happening.
My DDs are being difficult lately. End of story. Good bad or indifferent, it doesn't matter. One minute they are bitching cause mom disappears for 3 hours to the store (around the corner) with her "friend", yet comes back with no groceries. She can't spend time with them cause after she texted her friends she is now going to sleep. And so on.
The Nanny. Whatever. They have known the Nanny for two years also. As my friend. They wanted the Nanny. They kepy bugging me for her to be my girlfriend/wife. As that progressed, they rebelled. Whatever.
Your right there is more to the story.
Hope this isn't harsh as it's not ment to be. Just try to fill in any details my stupid ass forgot. LOL (Cause I can be stupid like that !!!).
STBXPDW wants to settle out of court now. Talked with her Friday and since. I reiterated my position (to deaf ears). So now, I've postponed the subpoenas and stuff to hear what her and her lawyer are wanting to do.
DD9 is being a shit. As I typed this STBXPW called with DD9 being upset cause she's to come home.
DDs are upset, in my belief, cause:
1. They have to answer to Nanny when Daddie ain't home. Nanny asked what she was to do as she's had to tangle with them. They disappeared on them during her charge to go with STBXPDW.
2. Daddie isn't at their beckoning call 24/7. Duh. There is a Nanny, them, a 3 yr. old, two new cats, one of which is a kitten. Cause of STBXPDW fiascos, they have been watched by another friend lately. Lots of changes. And I have been working more cause we need the money.
3. They went to my Bros for two weeks. They didn't get away with the usual behaviors.
4. Daddie has a Girlfriend (Nanny). Oh my fucking stars. Ya'll should have seen the bitch fest when I was trying to fix the marriage during the false reconciliation. All those kids did was bitch cause I spent to much time with their mom. LOL.
It's a lot of changes. They got pissed because I bought a new laptop. They felt they should get them too. STBXPDW just told me DD9 is pissed cause I've spent money on my self but don't have the money to buy them stuff. They are pissed cause I put Nanny on my cell service which in turn means she can't use her old phone and gets a new on. Newer than theirs as theirs are a few years old. Oh, boy. What a bitch fest passive aggressive hoot that has been.
So that's what is happening here.
Same thing happened when I got my first laptop (Given to me to use by my employer). My kids, especially DD13, thought that she deserved one too.
I hope I don't sound so alarmist, but with all these changes it is a PITA. It was easier to deal with most of the last year cause I have no social life. I don't play gigs any more, not even the 3-4 a year I'd been playing.
When they would call about coming to get them cause of STBXPDW or whatever, well, no sometimes I'm at work or the Nanny's, both a 35-45 minute commute. SO, once again, It's best if I'm home ALL THE FREAKIN TIME. Which I do like, but I may have to give up my new secondary position (including the pay bump), don't visit the Nanny at her place when the kids are at their mom's, etc. Eh, it is what it is.
I've been warned not to cater to much to them and now I'm paying for it. LOL.
I'm sorry, but they do have a lot of their mom in them. Ask them to help around the house and you get the stare from hell and then refuse to help. Although, they do do chores, about 20-30 minutes worth of a week. Yup. I know, "That ain't chores". And ya'll are right, but that's far more than they are accustomed too. I've asked them to do more lately, hence, part of the rebellion they are on.
I don't know, growing pains. Are life is so different from a year ago. I just didn't expect so much flip floppin' and rebellion/defiance. I'm really trying not to do what I did with there mom which was to walk on eggshells.
I've been backing down a bit but it is what it is.
They are great kids, but they have some new things to learn.
Does that make sense?
[This message edited by bobelina at 1:18 PM, July 28th (Monday)]
As for the blank stares when you ask a 13-year-old and a 9-year-old to do something -- welcome to teenie/tweenie hood! My 15 year old is thankfully a self-starter and he actually does his chores every day without being told. My 13-year-old -- it took me a little bit to catch on that he would spring up immediately when I called them to do the clothes -- and would spend about half of that time "looking for hangers" and pouring himself glass after glass of juice/milk.
[This message edited by veritas at 2:49 PM, July 28th (Monday)]
(That's our Gangsta Name, LOL).
One more week till the big D day. Yummy !!! LOL.
My N is acting up a bit. He called me this morning at work (which I have asked him not to do). Everything becomes an argument with him. When I finally got the last word in (in my favor), he slammed the phone down on me. Whatever. He actually said (projected) to me, "I don't know why you're being so difficult about this. I know you're up to something." Uh, no, that would be you who is up to something...I'm just not going to let you get away with it. Of course, I didn't feed the N by divulging any of my knowlege, I just said, "Whatever. I think we need to keep it as the judge ordered it."
[This message edited by woundedby2 at 1:53 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]
I can't say too much to help anyone today but I am thinking of you. I guess this low point will pass..it always does eventually.
Never forget that you Rock !!!
Time. Introspection. Chill-laxing. Contemplation. Appreciation.
Those things that you are will revolve back into you in full force as the wounds of an N-Exposure heal and decay.
He talk your time. He took your love, compassion, companion, etc.... But only temporarilly.
As you refill your charges depleted by the Freak, you will rise again.
After all, you are (((Itsa))) member of the (((T-Ribe))). They can knock us down, but only for so long.
Like Mr. Threnrody. I love the way Thren always refers to him that way! I want one of those--Mr. OutFromUnder. It just gives you this wonderful picture and makes you smile when she writes of him.
He told me that I have sleep apnea and I need to get it checked.
I told him, I can't for 90 days cuz "no ins".
I've been sleeping on the couch because it's too hot in my room.
And now, I won't be able to go fishing by myself.'
DS has to be here for school enrollment to pick his classes.
So he didn't get on the truck.
I'm so frustrated because I wanted to go out in the woods by myself, go fishing,get ripsnorting drunk, beat my head on the trees, cry, scream, maybe shoot my "teddy bear" at some rocks and sticks, whatever it takes to get some of this crap out of my system.
Now I can't do that.
If I take my son along, I'll have to "be the mom".
I know it's more important that he gets the right classes than my little camping trip, but damn, when do I get to let loose?
My friend texted me yesterday, apologising for the delay in getting back to me. He said he had had a great evening and would like to do it again sometime. He said he would call me when he returns from a week away.
I shall see. It does not matter one way or the other. It would be nice but my journey is on my terms...if someone wants to spend time with me that's fine but I keep going...one step in front of the the other...
Thank you tribe for helping me through this most unexpected trigger. It was unexpected to me but nobody else in my life was in the least bit surprised!