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User Topic: Other Child Support Thread II
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's also to see if he is indeed worthy of my trust again. I can't babysit him all the time.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lonely&depressed, You sound like a smart woman. I hope for your sake that your H does indeed prove to be trustworthy again.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
coastofsomewhere
Member
Member # 3624
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

myoc&me...you weren't a willing OW. You didn't know your boyfriend was married...and walked away when you did. My comment was not directed to you at all. It really wasn't directed to anyone...just my thoughts.

It's just, well, laughable, I guess is a good description, the hypocricy of the knowing OW who shouts "What's best for the child" is what's important...course, that didn't matter until it was HER child that was going to end up getting hurt...or the short end of the stick. No, what's best for the childern (com) didn't matter one little bit...or she would not have gotten involved with their father in the first place.

As for my mom...the best ever! She is truly one of my biggest blessings in life and I thank God everyday that she is my mother. She is someone I look up to and I am very proud that she is my mom. She truly thinks of others and would never knowingly hurt anyone...not even the woman who wanted her life but would NEVER be able to fill her shoes.

[This message edited by coastofsomewhere at 9:11 AM, June 6th (Friday)]


Posts: 5203 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: on the coast of somewhere beautiful
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope so too! Only time will tell.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
dream
♀ New Member
Member # 19469
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who's last name has the OC taken on? The OW in our case wants to use my H's last name for the OC. I took on my H's last name when we got married. It's my understanding that she wants to do this as she has been divorced for 5 years and still goes under former married name and feels it's not appropriate. Do we have any say in this?

[This message edited by dream at 10:22 AM, June 6th (Friday)]


Me, BS 37
Him, WH 39
Married: 13 1/2 yrs.
Two beautiful little girls, 7 and 5
D-Day: Jan 4, 2008
OC: Due to be born Aug 08

Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2008
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The child has my H's last name.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OC has OW last name. I think this was in part because OW also has another child with a different man who has her last name and she didn't want OC to have a different name from her and her other daughter.

As far as if we have say in it, we didn't. Court papers said that the birth certificate would show my H as OC father and OW could have used my H last name had she wanted to. I thank God everyday she didn't use my H name.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's just, well, laughable, I guess is a good description, the hypocricy of the knowing OW who shouts "What's best for the child" is what's important...course, that didn't matter until it was HER child that was going to end up getting hurt...or the short end of the stick. No, what's best for the childern (com) didn't matter one little bit...or she would not have gotten involved with their father in the first place.
Coast I agree that OW along with MM do some pretty cruel thoughtless and selfish things while in the A. My question is this? Does the basics of what a child deserve/need as an individual human being differ according to their parent(s) behavior. Do you deserve the pain you got because your father chose to have an A and is it then OK for OW to twist the knife by bringing another child into this mess? Point being (for me) it does not matter the innocents or quilt of the parties involved. These children(COM & OC) did not put themselves in this position and have no choice/options for getting out. None of them deserve such inhumane treatment as this that I have seen here and on other boards and IRL because of someone else immoral character. I will never get this. Never!

[This message edited by MYOC&ME at 7:36 PM, June 7th (Saturday)]


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MYOC&ME
In my opinion, what best for the child should he considered before and child is concieved and or delivered. OW know that H's have wives and other children therefore can't be a fulltime father in two places. YOu have to ask yourself did the OW consider the COM when she particapated in the A. Did she care how COM would be affected by her actions? My guess is NOT and thats why OW choose to be home wreckers. They are selfish and consider only themselves.It is unfortunate that OW use OCs concieved in affairs as pawns.
But they choose to partipate in A anyway. It is the OW's fault if she chooses to willingly concieve and give birth to OC knowing that her lover is someone elses H. OW have no rights. Since they are content with the scraps they during affairs they shouldn't feel feel slighted when the same treatment is given to OC.
At the end of the day he WAS and STILL is someone elses H.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
firstandthird
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Member # 17022
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think anyone here is suggesting that OC's deserve any less physically or emotionally than a child conceived in marriage. I absolutely don't feel that way. The fact remains that no one will win here. In my case, the OW has an extended family support system. While that is not the same as the biological father, their are more important aspects than biology regarding family. I truly believe that either my H or the OW would make a great parent individually, but I don't see how they could together. I wish all the best for the OC in my situation. Partially for that reason, we feel it is not best for him to be placed in a position of being an outsider for life. How could he not feel that on some level? My H and I do not have children yet, but we probably will. When (if) we do, how will OC feel then. I would never do anything to make a child feel like that on purpose, but especially with the distance in location, I don't see how he could feel differently. I am truly ashamed of my H for the way he acted (breaking the most important promise of his life) and for the OW who attended our wedding and wished us the best, then admitted pursuing my H. No one can win in that situation. Her child will not be lacking for affection, love, or support because he does not know his biological father. For that reason, I can feel comfortable with his decision for no contact. Just my thoughts on that.


Me: BS 26
Him: WS(ONS) 27
Wedding Day: Mar 17, 2007
ONS: Sept 4, 2007
OC born: May 22, 2008
Nov 25, 2008: Found out the OC is not his!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: ohio
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well said...............but OC will recieve less simply because of the circumstances. But thats on the shoulders of the H and OW. They both were aware of the circumstances. If this is your H's first child r u sure he wants no cantact?

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
BMC0415
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Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dream,

To answer you question, from what I have heard from the courts, a mother can name her child anything she wants. I personally would not have liked the OC to have my H last name. But since I will be hopefully adopting them in the future, I don't know, I will ask them if they want their last names changed.

I think everyone knows my feelings concerning the OC and COM so I am not going to say anymore on that subject.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, June 8th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my opinion, what best for the child should he considered before and child is concieved and or delivered.
OW should have considered the ramification of having an A and getting pg by a MM before getting to this, The MM should have considered the devistation he would bring to his wife his COM by his action. But neither of them did and now we are here with these children and their future(our future)is in our hands. Do we do as they did and say "to hell with it I'll take that chance with someone else future because OW and MM did it to me and my kids...

You become the dragon you slay. These children growup with pain and anger and could very well be the man/woman your son/daughter grow up to fall in love with and marry. History has a way of repeating itself when we choose not to take the lesson the first time around.

[This message edited by MYOC&ME at 1:10 AM, June 8th (Sunday)]


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, June 8th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At the end of the day he WAS and STILL is someone elses H.
At the end of that same day he IS STILL OC's father. Having a wife should not keep him from being a father to his child...having a wife should have kept him from fathering a child outside his marriage.

Your(general) H wins if he is allow to go out and do this crime, come home, erase the child, and all is forgiven. He simply slithers back inside and as long as he makes thing right inside to hell with the devistation he left outside.

OK!! break for me once again...I feel like finding the MM in my stitch and using him as a crash dummy right now


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, June 8th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MYOC lets agree to disagree. Lets by realistic not every C is fortunate enough to have 2 parents. Those that do are lucky! When OC are concieved there is usually always drama and a bad relationship that follows (OW & H or OW & W). Do you think this a healthy relationship to raise a child in. Every situation is different and has to be treated accordingly. H wins if W embrace child. THe COM don't get to have 3 parents why should OC. They are not better that COM. Why are they entitled to more? Sorry....OW
have to learn from there mistakes OC gets the same "left over time" the OW has content with from the beginning. Thats the reason te go and gt pregnant anyway, hoping to further disrupt H family anyway. It sucks to be OC, but a woman has the right tho choose. What ever SHE decides She has to live with. I will never live my life around some home-wrecking whore. OW is the cause of OC pain if there is any. That the risks you take sleeping with someone elses H.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, June 8th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not running a shelter for all the stray OCs.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
firstandthird
♀ Member
Member # 17022
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, June 8th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lonely,
I am as sure as I can be taht he wants to contact. There's no way to kn ow for sure. The child was born over Memorial Day weekend and we have not heard anything from OW, no notification or anything. For the time being, we are taking that as a sign that she doesnt' want him around either. Only time will tell how he feels when he knows the child's name, birthday, etc. I was sure she'd at least notify him, but I'm relieved she didn't. She has expressed interest in filing for child support back when we decided for no contact and I am perfectly fine with that. It that is best for her and her son, she should file. And H better never say a word of complaint about it. But again, I won't know if he will change his mind until after the court proceedings.


Me: BS 26
Him: WS(ONS) 27
Wedding Day: Mar 17, 2007
ONS: Sept 4, 2007
OC born: May 22, 2008
Nov 25, 2008: Found out the OC is not his!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: ohio
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, June 8th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will never live my life around some home-wrecking whore.
That is exactly what you chose to do. IMHO, worst of all the home he wrecked was his own and the people in that home trusted HIM to have their best interest. These OW were 100% wrong in their actions and should be held squarely responsible for it. Yet what I hear is OW & OC given 200% responsibility for MM's action. He is suddenly the poor victim of a women on a mission. He is not a victim...he was a willing participant that had the momentary pleasure of both world and now that they are colliding he tuck tail and run....little too late for his wife, his COM and the OC that did not need the hell in their life.

In reconciliation, we talk about remorse, open book and actions over words. In the case where there is no child...it's easy to outline what this mean... in this case it is not so clear. IMHO BS is not the third parent and she should not be expected to parent the child but treat that child with the care and regard that would be expected for ANY child in this world. IMHO, when a man cheat on his family that is a show of little regard for them...this can be momentary lost of judgment or character. If he then go on to disregard a child that he conceived his actions say character issues . Where is his remorse for the child he left to navigate the hell he and OW created?

[This message edited by MYOC&ME at 11:16 AM, June 8th (Sunday)]


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
25wimsey
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Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MYCO, I pretty much agree with what you said in your last post--and so does my H! the cheating was his choice and responsibility, OW knew he was married but thought she had found someone who was right for her and felt she was right for him, and if he was willing to cheat, that must mean his marriage was no good, right? etc. etc.--and when she got pregnant, H's worlds collided and all hell broke loose.

It IS a character issue I think, that's why WS go to IC to figure it out!! And my H agrees with that as well--and is pretty devastated as well about what his lack of integrity in this case did to all parties involved. And he tries be as much of a father as he can to OC, cuz he refound his integrity again (too late of course, but that's another story!)

And you're right, I have made to choice to stay with a remorseful homewrecker--and the necessary contact with the person he wrecked homes with is the absolute worst thing for me to tolerate.

After nearly 3 years, and a long distance between OC and us, it's tolerable--but never easy. And I see it's hard for OC, but it's the best that's going to happen in an intolerable situation for all.

I don't have a point, I guess--just that for those who have chosen contact, it's a constant struggle on many fronts--and I wish it weren't my life. But as maryway says so often, it is what it is. And we each choose our path based on many factors--and everyone loses something.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
lonely&depressed
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Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MYOC..........MY husband is to blame toooooo. He's an idiot! I guess my point is in the end a women has the right to choose. If she wanted to terminate the pregnacy or have the child. Want my husband wanted really didn't matter. He does monetarily support OC. HOwever as long ass we are together he will be limited when it comes to OC. The OW clearly had a agenda. She is named her daughter as close as to my daughters name as she could (first and Middle name). What was that about? OW wanted my position. If Oc misses out SORRY that's on OW. She should have gotten her own man.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
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