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User Topic: Other Child Support Thread II
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder why it becomes so important to the OW after the OC is born for the father to be involved, when she didn't give a crap if he was involved in the decision whether the child should be born or not.

Both the WS and OW were involved in the decision to have unprotected sex, why shouldn't they BOTH be involved in the decision when a pregnancy is the result.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally agree.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both the WS and OW were involved in the decision to have unprotected sex, why shouldn't they BOTH be involved in the decision when a pregnancy is the result.
What decision would that be Auntic? In my case together we planned the pregnancy...he had full choice in our child's conception and birth, yet when he was found out he did the same as most other MM. What would the conversation sound like. OW- I want the baby, I cant think of aborting. MM- The only thing acceptable to me is "abortion" I have a wife and kids, they will leave me if she find out and can be used against me in divorce proceedings. How do they come to an agreement on this? ...what is the compromise? No this is another one of those decisions that need to be made BEFORE especially if you are not the one that have the final decision or the situation to accommodate the consequence.

It is easy to point the knife and SCRAPE the life from a womb that is not yours...even easier when you don't have a womb and can never comprehend what takes place between a woman and her child while still in that womb.

Abortion is not the answer! For many of these men..that would make it too easy to continue the deception and not be accountable for their immoral behavior. The answer is accountability and therapy to figure out what lead them down this road...yes I would hope OW sought therapy for herself and for her child at some point.

Pregnancy and child birth is never going to be "fair" until the day men can spend at least 5mos of cooking the kid. I would prefer the first 5...morning sickness was a monster...then again the weight gain and hourly trips to the bathroom during the last 5 was not too much fun either.


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((25))I have followed your story and though I dont know the size of you shoes I know they are heavy. I see your struggle with this situation a situation I could never wish on anyone. It's not fair all around. A contact or NC does not change the facts but...
It IS a character issue I think, that's why WS go to IC to figure it out!! And my H agrees with that as well--and is pretty devastated as well about what his lack of integrity in this case did to all parties involved. And he tries be as much of a father as he can to OC, cuz he refound his integrity again (too late of course, but that's another story!)

for what it is worth, it sounds like your H is trying to make amends to ALL the parties involved the he has hurt. He is also doing the hard work it takes to figure out how he got here. I promise you that OW have won nothing because he chose to be a part of his child's life. My guess is that she is in her own little pain hell knowing that she was a lapse in judgment for him and that you were WORTH him owning his shit and getting it together.

I hope you find peace soon..


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well MYOC&ME I don't know what the decision would have been since my H was never given a chance to give his opinion cause OW kept her pregnancy a secret until OC was 4 months old! The pregnancy may have been planned in your case, but if the pregnacy was planned in our case it was by the OW ALONE. And I am not saying that abortion is the answer, cause I personally could never abort a child. What I am saying is if my H had known about the pregnancy yes he would have told OW he didn't want her to keep it, and then SHE would have had the choice to bring a child into the world KNOWING that the father didn't want to be a part of that childs life. So in my mind, in our situation at least, the OW keeping the pregnancy secrect and not giving my H a choice SHE is the one who is responsible for bringing a fatherless child into the world.

[This message edited by auntcis at 5:34 AM, June 9th (Monday)]


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I said was not going to say anymore about this subject but some of things that are being said kinda of bothers me.

I guess my main thought is if people were more responsible for their own actions, we would not be in this mess.

And the comment about the BS not expected to be the 3rd parent, not true. If you have C with OC and your H decides to be a parent to the OC, as the wife you will be the 3rd parent to some extent. It all depends on how much the father is involved.

Some people I have talked to compare this situation as the same as if your H had children before you married him, you would expected to be a parent of some kind. It is similar in some instances but the difference IMO for some BS is the child was concieved after H was committed to the BS.

My brother and SIL are finally having a baby in 2 weeks after the the only child they have ever been able to have died almost 2 years ago. So I appreciate life and would never even consider an abortion.

Every child deserves to have a parent who loves them and protects them. Sometimes that is 2 parents and sometimes it is 1. I will say it again, it is the parent that raises the child who helps determine what kind of life the child will have. And let me just say for the record you can't force a man to be a father, even to the COM if he doesn't want to. Is it fair,no.

We all are never going to agree on this subject.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 7:39 PM, June 8th (Sunday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
coastofsomewhere
Member
Member # 3624
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

myoc&me...

Does the basics of what a child deserve/need as an individual human being differ according to their parent(s) behavior. Do you deserve the pain you got because your father chose to have an A and is it then OK for OW to twist the knife by bringing another child into this mess? Point being (for me) it does not matter the innocents or quilt of the parties involved. These children(COM & OC) did not put themselves in this position and have no choice/options for getting out. None of them deserve such inhumane treatment as this that I have seen here and on other boards and IRL because of someone else immoral character. I will never get this. Never!

I am not questioning the love a mother has for her child, no matter the circumstances. I'm not questioning the life and love an OW wants for her OC. I'm a mother...I know that love. And I am not saying a child doesn't deserve love from both of his/her parents. My comments have nothing to do with the OC...but everything to do with the OW.

I am only making a statement...my statement...my opinion.

It IS laughable to me, the hypocrisy of the OW who could have cared less about the COM when deciding to have an A with their father...who didn't care how much their (COM) lives would change, how hurt they would be, the damage they would have to suffer through and try to dig their way out of....but add their own child into it and suddenly it's "What's best for the children","Let's be adults about this","Let's put the children's needs and welfare first"

Well, where the hell was that concern when the OW was at the decision making stage of should I or shouldn't I have an A with this MM.

Now, well, now her own child is going to be hurt. So now, now, the children's welfare is suddenly important in the decision making process. Now the BW is suppose to do exactly what the OW refused to do...put her feelings/needs/wants aside for the children's sake.


None of them deserve such inhumane treatment as this that I have seen here and on other boards and IRL because of someone else immoral character.

Yeap...too bad the OW doesn't realize this until it's her child being treated so poorly.

And as a side note...I have no opinion about contact or no contact for anyone else's situation but my own. What I do know is every situation is different even if the circumstances are pretty similar. Contact can be great for some...and a continued nightmare for others. I'm not about to pretend I know what's best for every person who finds themselves in a situation such as this. Sometimes, people survive the best they can...

[This message edited by coastofsomewhere at 12:20 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 5203 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: on the coast of somewhere beautiful
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

COASTOFSOMEWHERE

I have may valid points...........This is exactly why I don't feel sorry for my H's OC. That the burden is for her mother. OW didn't give a crap about our daughter and then had the nerve to tell me that she had a bond with MY CHILD. This chick is out of her freakin mind! OC is a stranger to me and will remain that way. OW should have wanted more for her child. If she didn't consider the consequences of her actions before hand DAMN BAD. OW never thinks about what they've done until their up changing dirty diapers at night by themselves while H is home in bed with his wife. OH WELL! That's the life she wanted thats's the life he got. She could have made better choices for herself and instead of trying to steal someone else H. She should be the one to explain to the OC why OC doesn't have a fulltime father around. Because mommy was a whore thats why! Mommy played with fire an got burned! When will OW ever learn........ If what they have to offer was better than what was at home H would leave W and be with OW. DUH! OW doesn't know any tricks in bed that I haven't already done. They should all get a clue. OW make it so easy for H to cheat. They don't have any repeat for sisterhood. Married or not a commitment is a commitment. They help to destroy homes and create pain and misery.


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
SadMommie
♀ Member
Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

The OW was crying the blues that my H was a bad father b/c he never saw the OC (works long hours and has a family) when the OC was first born. He quickly pointed out an important fact - he never saw the COM when he was running around with her. She didn't have much to say after that.

Just our perspective.


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly........ OW is selfish and there is nothing special about her or OC. Now, she knows what it felt like for COM while she was out screwing their dad.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ya know, I have nothing against OC. In fact I wish her a happy fulfilling life. I just don't want her to be a part of mine. I know to some that may sound harsh, but that's the way I feel. I just take exception to some people saying my H is a bad person for making a choice to FINALLY put his wife and COM first, and that I am a bad person for supporting him in his decision.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Auntcis, you have every right to feel the way you do. When your H and OW were having A I'm sure they never asked how you felt about it. If your husband has FINALLY decided to be conmmitted to you he has to understand how you feel and that he is the cause of that pain. He has to respect your feelings. Your feeling must must be considered NOW more than ever because he decided for you THEN. It doesn't make you a bad person, after all OC is NOT your child and has a mother. You did't ask for OC. YOu don't oew OW or OC anything. As for your H and my H and ones like them they have to be responsible for there actions. While they did participate in the conception of the child in the end the final decision as to the fate of that child was not their decision. NC is fine or some people not not Ok for others. One thing I do believe is regardless of NC or not these men MUST financially support OC until they are 18 or 21(which ever applies).

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Point is, this discussion has been going on since this original thread 1 year ago.

No one is living your life and no one has the right to tell you how to feel about your H, the OW, or the OC.

There is no right or wrong here. IMO


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
MollyJo
♀ Member
Member # 18820
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What the lawyer said...

WS and I went to an attorney about the OC situation (due in August). For the information of all, this is what he said:

1. All paternity and child support issues MUST go thru the court in this state. So even if he contacted her and made an agreement as to CS, custody etc it would have no legal standing. In other words, there is no reason for WS to have contact w/her except thru the courts, because no decision they made would have legal standing.

2. If the court orders visitation, she can insist that it be at her house while OC is an infant.

3. She can also ask that I not be allowed to be in the presence of OC even when home visits are allowed, but will probably have to prove that I'm insane/dangerous to make that happen

WS does not want to see OW but wants to be in OCs life in some way. His fear (and those who know OW think it's probably correct) is that OW will use OC as a lever to get him back or get back at him, to the detriment of OC.


Me: BS Him: SOB OC born 9/08. We've split up but I still see him every day and the OW occasionally. Lost my whole life because he couldn't keep it in his pants.

Posts: 219 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: midwest
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H does pay CS and at this time for us that is the best we can do. Contact is just not an option.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure I agree with all the lawyer said. True...........child support and can ordered and legally enforced;however, the court can't force someone to see a child they don't want to see. Men go to jail for not paying CS know one is ever been locked up over not visiting OC. Even if he is involved in the OC's life. He can't be there everyday. She can tell the OC wwhatever she wants and munipulate OC any way she wants. After all the will be the primary parent. While unfortunate, not much he can do to stop her.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think what she meant by the court "ordering" visitation was her H could see OC if he wanted to, not that the court was forcing him to see OC. MollyJo, correct me if I'm wrong


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Molly Jo,

Based on what I have read from others in the OC situation and from the last two agonizing years -- I feel confident in telling you that the only way to handle all of the CS, etc is through the courts. DOCUMENT everything the OW does. Legally, she can get into a lot of hot water if she does anything to come between your H and the OC. If he is proven to be the bio dad, your H has rights.

Talk to your H and become clear on your boundaries. OW can try to block you from being with OC, but she will have a very difficult time of it. Ask for a neutral 3rd party if the OW insists on starting with supervised visits. Most of all do not allow the OW to cut you out of the picture. You and your H must present a united front to her and to the court.

Read the laws regarding CS and father's rights -- most states have a link. Your H should not sign anything until DNA is established. Your H should not sign anything unless he thoroughly understands it and his attorney has thoroughly reviewed it.

Hope that is helpful.

Coast - thanks for your posts. For the record, ITA with you.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
MollyJo
♀ Member
Member # 18820
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Auntcis is right, the custody issue is that she will try to keep WS from seeing OC, not that he doesn't want to see OC.

Soverysad, my boundries are clear: he is NEVER to have contact w/OW unless I am present, and then only when absolutely necessary. This is not a problem right now: he is disgusted by her and her behavior (as well as his own) and has been NC with her since DDay.

The problem will come when she says, "you can see your baby at my house, and MJ can't come to my house". He is perfectly willing to be NC with the OC under these circumstances, but then I become the reason his baby has no daddy (and he has no baby--this will be his one and only child).

He has suggested waiting a year or 2 until the court will allow overnight visitation before having C.

Does anyone know of a situation where the court ordered or agreed that visitation of a newborn be done in a neutral location due to the parent's situation or A? It makes me sick that OW gets to call the shots about where he can see the OC.


Me: BS Him: SOB OC born 9/08. We've split up but I still see him every day and the OW occasionally. Lost my whole life because he couldn't keep it in his pants.

Posts: 219 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: midwest
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder why it becomes so important to the OW after the OC is born for the father to be involved, when she didn't give a crap if he was involved in the decision whether the child should be born or not.
Both the WS and OW were involved in the decision to have unprotected sex, why shouldn't they BOTH be involved in the decision when a pregnancy is the result.

Hmmmmmm...........normally the MM's wants after the pregnancy are to protect MM only. The pregnancy is a sure "got caught". How ironic that that statement would even be brought up. Just BECAUSE a ow gets pregnant does not mean she too has to satisfy the mm and his bs by getting rid of the child. He should have been thinkng too!

I have not read all the post past this one......but I will. This statement just irks me to NO END!

Lets think only of the MM and not how killing a child or giving it up to someone else can do to the ow........NO lets just push it under the rug so A: the mm won't get caught and conitnue the affair longer......or to save face with his wife......."I begged her to have an abortion". I did not want this child......NO HE DID NOT WANT TO GET CAUGHT!


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
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