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User Topic: Other Child Support Thread II
marysway
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Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It IS laughable to me, the hypocrisy of the OW who could have cared less about the COM when deciding to have an A with their father...who didn't care how much their (COM) lives would change, how hurt they would be, the damage they would have to suffer through and try to dig their way out of....but add their own child into it and suddenly it's "What's best for the children","Let's be adults about this","Let's put the children's needs and welfare first"

Well, where the hell was that concern when the OW was at the decision making stage of should I or shouldn't I have an A with this MM.

Now, well, now her own child is going to be hurt. So now, now, the children's welfare is suddenly important in the decision making process. Now the BW is suppose to do exactly what the OW refused to do...put her feelings/needs/wants aside for the children's sake.

I hear you throw a line in here and there that the Mm is to blame too, but really you are placing all blame on the ow.

Let me ask you something. Why oh why when ow is fighting for her child's life should she be thinking of your children? You can give a rats ass about her children correct? Someone has to think about her kids too. Which includes the one that she had with your husand.

Auntics I know you are hurting but I can gaurntee you that NOT all ow get pregnant on purpose. Alot DON'T. I sure the hell did not. GOD it was the last thing I was ever thinking of.

YOUR husband should have wrapped it up if it was an issue at all. I don't care if she told him she had NO uturus he should have wrapped it up. He had a whole lot more to loose.

The pregnancy in my case through me so far for a loop I could not even believe the pregnancy stick or the doctor. But As MM said, if you abort we are cool....GIVE ME a freckin break. MM child.......MM child.

I've heard and read a lot of stories and let me tell you the two stories most ow hear.......

Ow if you abort we can continue to keep this going.....or'
OW My wife is going to kick me out I'm out of here......

Let me me tell you what MY MM told me. Mary, It's GOD'S WILL FOR YOU TO ABORT AND NOT PISS MY WIFE OFF! This is going to piss her off! IT's GOD'S WILL FOR YOU TO ABORT!

No Auntics......normally the ow takes as myoc said 200% of the blame just as you are blaming your husband 10%, but because the ow carry's the womb the other 190% is going to her. Unfair. How do you know she is not thinking of your com? She has left you alone. She has not even called your husband to say the child was born. You said that yourself. He already told her NC so therefore why should she call your husband when that child was born? Her told her NC!

I did not call my mm when my child was born. My attorney served him a couple of weeks later! He said NC so why on earth would I call him and let him know.

IN Fact he thought oc was going to be born on his b-day the last time we talked. but thank goodness for her sake she was not quite cooked enough and had to keep her in another week in half and I left it at that. I was not going out of my way to contact him. he said NC!

If she would have contacted you Auntics then you'd be mad over that too.

Seriously the ow can't and won't win with you. In time hopefully it will get easier for you. You will be able to place more blame on your husband where it belongs.

We all have to own our own shit. And no it's not your place to take in all the oc's in the world. It is however anybody's cross to bear to encourage or give ultimatadums. Just as it's the MM's cross to bear to abandon a child and an a ow's cross to bear with her end of the damage.

Again........it is what it is.......but there is NO way I can sit here and allow the ow to blamed for it all even knowing she slept with a mm.

It sucks to be in your shoes and any bw's shoes especially with an oc. But you are choosing to be there. Your husand is the one with the resonsbility to that child. He needs to be a man and do what ever it takes to make all his children and bw happy.

One more thing......I've said it before and I'll say it again.......As adults we set the tone for our kids and how they accept and adapt to things in life.


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

marysway, I just wanted to correct you on one thing,the quote in your above post was not made by me. It was made by coastofsomewhere, who is a COM whos father has a OC from an A. And I am also not the one who said I would not take in all the worlds OC. I am not the only woman on this thread that shares some of these opinions.

That being said, let me clear a few things up.

A. My H IS just as much to blame as OW for OC being here. I have put him through the wringer more than I am sure he would ever like to admit.

B. My H never had a chance to tell OW his thoughts on pregnancy cause she didn't tell him about it.But let me make it clear that her reason for not telling my H about the pregnancy WAS NOT because he had already told her NC. It was so she could be vindictive about the whole thing, cause although my H broke off the A with her she didn't go NC. She would call me all through out the time she was apparently pregnant trying to convince me that she and my H were still seeing eachother, and she could have mentioned the pregnancy at any time during those calls.

C. My H and I DID try to have contact with OC. Hell I even put my COM in the car and drove over an hour to help OW when she called me in a panic cause she had "lost" OC. Which turned out just to be a "test" she had cooked up to see if I would help her. OW in our situation continually made it impossible for us to have any kind of normal relationship with OC, cause she was bitter my H hadn't left me for her. So she hasn't had OC best intrest at heart ONLY her own!

D. And I agree that not all OW get pregnant on purpose. Hell I will even agree that there are OW out there who don't even know they are an OW. But my H OW KNEW he was a MM and ADMITTED to getting pregnant on purpose!

So you see not all FOW are like you or MYOC&ME who seem to have what is best for your child at heart. OW in our situation truely only wanted what was best for her and she didn't care who got hurt when she didn't get her way, including her own child. So until the day that OC is old enough to contact my H on her own without OW being involved, he will continue to pay his CS as he has done all along and sit back and wait. OC knows our address and our phone number has always been listed so if OC choses to contact her father we are easy to find.

So I say one last time let me be VERY clear. MY H is just as much to blame as OW for OC being here. But had OW truely wanted her child to have a relationship with her father t could have happened. And I am not saying she should go out of her way to make it "easy" on my H or myself, but she could have put an effort into being a decent human being and made it a liveable situation. But instead she went out of her way to make it an impossible situation. So for the OC not having her father in her life, yes I do put more blame on OW for that. My H and I are only human and niether of us should have to live being "tested" by OW, or have to put up with a lifetime of her being a vindictive bitch. If OC contacts us on her own when she is older, we will deal with that then.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
coastofsomewhere
Member
Member # 3624
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mary...that would be me you quoted.

And trust me, my father is just as much to blame for his A as his xOW is. And I'll go a step further and say my father is way more responsible for the hurt I suffered and all the crap that went with that...but the xOW owns her fair share. Afterall, she was there, she knew about me and she didn't care.

But my comment wasn't about who is to blame. My comment was about the hypocrisy of the OW.

And again, I stand by my opinion that it is amazing and down right hypocritical of the OW who NOW wants what is best for the child(ren), when before she didn't give it another thought, because now, it's her child that will be hurt. It is her child that may suffer. And it is laughable the hypocrisy of the OW who now expects the BW, the COM, even the MM to do exactly what she couldn't do...put the child(ren)'s best interest, welfare, etc before her own needs and wants.

[This message edited by coastofsomewhere at 10:22 AM, June 12th (Thursday)]


Posts: 5203 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: on the coast of somewhere beautiful
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

marysway............ It is well established that my H made many STUPID mistake and that he is a JACKASS. Believe me we are having a very difficult time right now. I refuse to be silent and express on a regular basis the pain he has caused me. But at the end of the day I have to acknowledge the existence of his OC. It is very sad that because of my H and OW the child won't have a fulltime dad. It's just the way it is. He'll be a part-time dad (how pathetic). Women are the that have to actually carry these OC. The oc will live in most cases with OW. What kind of example does OW set for her C when she willingly carried on in an affair with a MM. MM isn't going to leave his family to be with OC and OW. While the man betrayed his W and family the OW has a choice when it comes to her own body. Yes, a condom should have been used. HELLO he sleeps with his wife unprotected why would OW choose to do the same thing (disgusting). Anyway OW could have protected herself as well from a pregnancy. OW is fully aware that their "lover" belongs to someone else. The Oc and BS end up with the most hurt.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
kwash
Member
Member # 13957
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Change of topic (sort of)...someone up-thread said parents should accept responsibility for their children no matter when they find out about them. Does that include 16 years later? My fiancee was recently served with support papers for a child that is 16 years old and the result of a one night stand (which happened long before I knew him , but while he was M'd to his first wife). He has had no contact whatsoever with the woman and had no idea that a child had resulted. We have hired a lawyer and are going to court to have the paternity determined. I am hoping it isn't his, but I am preparing for the worst. We haven't talked aobut it too much (weird huh?) but right now he (and I) are leaning toward NC if the child turns out to be his. He will meet his financial obligations only. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet (or how he does), but it is where we are at right now.

As Marysway says 'it is what it is' that is about the only thing I am sure of about this right now.


Posts: 2175 | Registered: Mar 2007
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((kwash)))

Smart move getting a lawyer and DNA test. Best of luck to you whatever you and your fiancee decide.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Auntics and Coast sorry for mis understanding the authors of the posts. Very tired last night.

Auntics NO I agree no one should have to be put through that. There should be no testing. NONE. The courts should decide and then contempt her butt a time or two and see how much more crap she pulls. How sad that she is loosing out on her father so she can play games. Very sad.

Coast......I understand you are the com. I am truely sorry for the pain that was caused to you from both your dad and ow.

How do you know that the ow had no idea your father was not leaving for her? Because he said so? My xmm told me at least 10 times (I know I'm stupid) he was leaving and not me for bw, but do to toxic marriage. He knew when I was getting to my point of no return too after telling me so many times and he was still there. I knew his family (not friends with his wife, but knew her well) so everyone in the world thought he was leaving her. Not for me, but because he had a toxic marriage.
It was not until I became pregnant that all of a sudden in upteen hundred years he said he was in love with his wife. I'm not saying all or any most are like that but that is how mine was. I know he was scared shitless and had way to much to loose. He knew I'd walk away. In fact just before I got pregnant he knew I was walkng away....I was done.
Nor am I saying it was any justification for our affiar. There was no justicication for it. NONE. It was wrong. No matter what. I made it easier for him to live with her and he had even told me that at one point.

So I don't agree with your statement about the hypocrcy theroy. I also think and feel just with my own expeiences in life with my own kids that as adults we set the tone for our own children. We also as children all have certain things that are issues we bring into our adult life and it's up to us to change them or conitnue them.

As far as the ow not caring about the com with the affair affecting them. If you have read this board and any others you can see that when people are engaged in affairs you are right.....there is no thinking of the other parties involved. I never brought my kids into it and I've seen quite a few that have. Affairs are wrong but they are also one of the most entense things to overcome. All the way around.

Of course I'm thinking of my own child. I have too! I am the only one thinking of my child. My child needs ME to think of her. I have to think of all three of my cildern. I am there mother. Just as your mother had to think of you. It's easy for some men to walk away from an oc.....some it's not. I don't know if you had a relationship with your dad's oc or not.

But I did also think about mm's kids before he even did. All he cared about was his own butt and saving that as long as he could save it.

Coast I know you are hurt. You have every right to be....but if you ever have a chld that your husband walks out on for whatever reasson it would hurt you for your child no matter what.

It's just human nature. Basicly mm is doing what he needs to do to protect his own and the only person to protect the oc is the ow. I know you don't understand it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I said anything to hurt you but I've seen enough to see what I'm saying. I know a handfull of adult com's and oc's as well. A few feel as you do, a few have no remorse over there oc sibling or hate towards them. Which takes me back to how we as adults handle this sets the tone for the kids all the way around.

I'm not saying that contact has to be either. I'm saying setting the tone. My daughter will never hear me say a bad word about her father because I never know what tomorrow will bring. I would hope that if he does one day choose to have a relationship with her that he too won't say a bad word about me either.

I don't regret having my oc. I love her to death. Can't imagine my life without her and it's her dad's cross to bear his share in this. Not mine. I owned mine to her and the rest of the world.


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
25wimsey
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Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can see so many sides of this discussion--and also see nothing but pain for all parties.

I will say though that OW and H had many arguments about his leaving (or not leaving as it was) his wife and family--he had broken it off a few times, but did care enough for her feelings that he went back--only to have many more arguments about the whole thing. (And I know this not from H's lips alone!! Read some emails, and even listened to OW rant once).

My point is that OW's comments during the infidelity about H's children were that they "were adults and would get over it"--the youngest was a late teen at the time--but now it's more like her child "has a right to know his half-siblings, when will this happen," etc.--still no conception of their feelings about what she and their father did to cause so much disruption and pain. I don't expect her to think of my pain, but she doesn't acknowledge what all this does to COM--not to mention the MM she claimed to love so much.

I guess it's not so much hypocrisy as total indifference to anyone's feelings and life except her own, and now her child's. And I know it is her job to protect her own child, but not at the expense of me and my children.

It's still to be determined how this all falls out--but it's awful all around when these arguments still surface. We work on them as best we can. And as difficult as it makes it for H to be a good father, I thank god that they're 2 continents away and we have less contact with OW--I really don't feel that way about OC, but so far it's part and parcel of visitation. I'm hoping it will get easier as he gets older.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi 25! I see what you are saying. As adult kids I think it maybe harder to accept. The younger kids are more accepting I think because of the already innocents of them. The older they are the harder it will be I think......but at the same time I still do believe the adults set the tone for the kids. I think your biggest (and JMHO) will be that you kept something like this (and having contact) from them for so long......

Have you guys figured out yet when you think you might tell the kids?

Even when you do tell them I would not force your adults to kids to see the oc unless they want it and I'd do it as a FAMILY.

In that respect it's easier for me because oc has two sisters that live with her at home. I do think about it from time to time that it would be nice for her to know her two other sisters but it is what it is.

If it's meant to happen later on then it will kwim?

Indifference is a good place to be by the way I like being there.


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question...........
My STUPID husband has claimed that he want his marriage to work and is willing to do want it takes. He asked what he could do to rebuild trust in our relationship. I suggested that he give the passwords to both his phones. He said no and that he didn't want to feel like a criminal in his own house. He said that if I wanted to see who had been calling him or who he's been calling I should ask him and then he would unlock his phone so I could see. I told him that I dodn't need him standing over me watching what I was doing. I told him that response to my request was the response of someone with something to hide. Am i wrong to feel that he forfeited his privacy by having an A andan OC out of his A? I don't think and think he's full of shit! For a man that told so many lies, betrayed and decieved me I would think that mu request is not unreasonable and simple to do. How can I trust him? To me this is just further proof that I can not trust him. If in doijng this we could reestablish some level of trust then why not. I told him that he is not fully commited to making his marriage work. I have to deal with OC for a lifetime, but him giving me his password is too much to ask for. He must think I'm a complete idiot. I have to decided to detach myslef from him emotionally. To me he still playing games. What do you guys think? Why is he making such a big deal over such a small request? He's a liar that 's what I think.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He actually told me the thought I might break his phone if i saw something that might upset me or if I misunderstood something. I have never broken anything of his in the decade we've been together. This is bullshit. I am not asking him to do anything that I am not willing to do myself. Am i right to continut to not trust him. He pushing my closer to asking for a divorce.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you are asking too much at all. My H and I both know all passwords to eachothers cell phones, emails, PINS for credit cards, everything. No secrets allowed.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
coastofsomewhere
Member
Member # 3624
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you know that the ow had no idea your father was not leaving for her?

Seriously Mary...does that really matter? I'm sure in the selfcentered can't see passed yourself state of an active OW it matters. But in reality...does that really matter. The man was married and I don't care what he said or how he acted...in my book, if you are married you don't go looking for a girlfriend or boyfriend. And you certainly don't take a MM as a boyfriend. But that's just me.

Nor am I saying it was any justification for our affiar. There was no justicication for it. NONE. It was wrong. No matter what

Okay...so why bring it up. Obviously, it must have justified it for you at some point. I mean...you did knowingly go into an A with a MM with COM, right?

I also think and feel just with my own expeiences in life with my own kids that as adults we set the tone for our own children. We also as children all have certain things that are issues we bring into our adult life and it's up to us to change them or conitnue them.

Which is exactly why I have such strong opinons about cheating and what it does to the children/the family. The tone set is cheating is an option...who gets hurt, doesn't matter.

As far as the ow not caring about the com with the affair affecting them. If you have read this board and any others you can see that when people are engaged in affairs you are right.....there is no thinking of the other parties involved. I never brought my kids into it and I've seen quite a few that have. Affairs are wrong but they are also one of the most entense things to overcome. All the way around.

Again...the OW was sooooo wrapped up in herself that she didn't give a flying flip about the COM, but now, the OC IS suppose to be thought of.

We will have to disagree with your point of not bringing your children into the A also. Because from my point of view when a parent has an A, they are bringing their children into it. Your (in general) actions played fast and loose with their family and with their sense of safety and security. Your actions were also teaching those children that affairs are okay.

Of course I'm thinking of my own child. I have too! I am the only one thinking of my child. My child needs ME to think of her. I have to think of all three of my cildern. I am there mother. Just as your mother had to think of you. It's easy for some men to walk away from an oc.....some it's not. I don't know if you had a relationship with your dad's oc or not.

I know you are. You are a mother and mother's do that. But again, it's just too bad that OW's weren't thinking of the children when deciding to have an A with a MM with children. Because you say this...

But I did also think about mm's kids before he even did.

but didn't think that much of them when you decided to have an A with their father.

Coast I know you are hurt. You have every right to be....but if you ever have a chld that your husband walks out on for whatever reasson it would hurt you for your child no matter what.

I know it would...and I am not arguing that. My point is the OW wanting what's best for the children only became important when it was her child. And expecting of others that you (in general) wouldn't even do yourself...well that seems a bit hypocritical to me. But, that's just my opinion.

I also wonder why OW's with OC are so surprised when the MM doesn't step up to the plate when it comes to OC. I mean, he is already cheating and betraying not only his wife but his COM...why in the world would you (in general) think he is going to start acting like some moral, selfless man with the OC.

I know you don't understand it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I said anything to hurt you but I've seen enough to see what I'm saying. I know a handfull of adult com's and oc's as well. A few feel as you do, a few have no remorse over there oc sibling or hate towards them. Which takes me back to how we as adults handle this sets the tone for the kids all the way around.

Actually I do understand it. And no, you haven't said a thing to hurt me. You see it one way and I see it another.

And just an FYI...I have no hate towards the OC in my situation. I don't even know her...and she has no interest in knowing me.

And it seems to me the tone was already set before OC was even in the picture. And that thanks goes to the 2 adults who were actually in the know...the MM and the OW.

Another FYI, my mother was the only one willing to sacrifice, willing to do what was best for all involved when all of this came to light. My decision, and my older sibings' decision, not to meet OC was simply because we weren't interested.

As I said before, this is simply my opinion. It's the whole "Do as I say, not as I do" thing that just gets me.

[This message edited by coastofsomewhere at 12:37 PM, June 13th (Friday)]


Posts: 5203 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: on the coast of somewhere beautiful
coastofsomewhere
Member
Member # 3624
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My point is that OW's comments during the infidelity about H's children were that they "were adults and would get over it"--the youngest was a late teen at the time--but now it's more like her child "has a right to know his half-siblings, when will this happen," etc.--still no conception of their feelings about what she and their father did to cause so much disruption and pain. I don't expect her to think of my pain, but she doesn't acknowledge what all this does to COM--not to mention the MM she claimed to love so much.

I guess it's not so much hypocrisy as total indifference to anyone's feelings and life except her own, and now her child's. And I know it is her job to protect her own child, but not at the expense of me and my children.

EXACTLY!!!!!!!!

I do see it as being a hypocrit...do as I say, not as I do...but that's just how I see it.


Posts: 5203 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: on the coast of somewhere beautiful
life_will_go_on
♀ New Member
Member # 18042
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally not related to the last few pages of very interesting conversation back and forth. I don't post here often because I have teenagers that still don't know what's going on. And they are on the computer most of the time. Anyway. The baby was born last week. I don't know how she managed to do it, but his name is in the newspaper and on the hospital's web page as the "proud" father. She told her friends that he was on his way to be by her side. None of which are true. I'm so frustrated and upset that it's not even funny. Our situation is one where I truly believe that OW got pregnant on purpose. They were doing it like crazy (several times a day, several times a week) for almost 6 months then when he tells her it's over and the encounters are only when she threatens to kill herself (once or twice a month) she ends up pregnant. She told a friend of ours that there was a court date set for the 18th of this month, not true, no papers were served. We called her and she clearly says that I have no business getting involved in this because it's between him and her and their child. He told her that is not the case. That he's chosen us and "we" do everything together. She then told him that as long as I was in the picture, he won't be in their lives. He says he'll go along with that, but I know it will be hard for him. I just want to call her or send her a letter asking her what part of "we're together" she doesn't get. She sent out birth announcements that said her and him were pleased and excited to announce the birth of their son.

This is all new for me and I really don't know how some of you do this.


ME: 42
WSO: 41
Not Married, but together 13yrs.
D-Day: 12/10/07 (yeah merry x-mas to you too)
4 children (3 mine, 1 ours)20, 17, 14, 6
1 year Military Deployment Affair
Attempting Reconcilliation



Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Wisconsin
coastofsomewhere
Member
Member # 3624
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lifewillgoon...

So sorry you have to be here. Hopefully you will be able to find lots of good advice and support.

First, since the OW is busy shouting from the roof tops about her "good news", I would tell your children asap before someone else does. You and your H need to do this together. Your H also needs to apologize to them for bringing this into their lives and then he needs to work like the devil to repair his relaltionship with them, and you. It will also be very helpful to your children if you and your H could talk to them about what the two of you are doing to heal your marriage AND make sure this, an affair, doesn't happen again. Seeing his remorse for doing this to you and seeing him help you through this will go a long way for them also.

As for the OW, get a lawyer asap. Do not sign anything until DNA testing proves your H is the father. And then only communicate through your lawyer. Trust me, the OW could care less about your family...she only wants what is best for her. So protect yourself.

(((hugs)))

And a special (((hug))) for your children.

[This message edited by coastofsomewhere at 2:43 PM, June 13th (Friday)]


Posts: 5203 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: on the coast of somewhere beautiful
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW! This women seems to be delusional and not in touch with reality. Before your H can address the OW and OC he has the take care of whats going to happen inside in your marriage. How involved does he want to be? Your H needs to make sure his foundation with you and your children are ok first. If you and him have not sorted all things your going to need to sort out how can he be prepared to deal with OC and OW. You first heave to work on yourself and decide want you want and what you can or can't handle. OC has just arrived and you and your H have a long road ahead. You and your H will need to establish boundaries with tregard to the situaion. It's not going to be easy. As a matter of fact I've known about Oc for 4 months and OC is 7 months and I'm still crushed and devastated by my H. For now I'm taking one day at a time. I can't offer him any guarantees. He has caused do much damage in our marriage. Don't be ashamed of any feeling you have because your entitled to feel any way you want. HE did this to YOU.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

life-will-go-on,

Sorry you find yourself here, but welcome.

I couldn't really give you much more advice than coastofsomewhere and lonely&depressed gave you. Both gave very good advice. Best of luck to you and your family.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
life_will_go_on
♀ New Member
Member # 18042
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

first off...thank you all

now some clarification. we are not married, yet, we've been together 13 years. long story as to why we're not married, yet. we do have a plan and he is getting a lawyer. I too have taken steps to protect myself and the child that I have with him, should our relationship not survive this. we haven't told the kids yet, and really don't think they'll find out either. she lives hundreds of miles away. He wants to wait to tell the older kids once paternity has been established. our youngest is only 6.

It's just so frustrating that people can be like that. He's afraid she'll come all the way here and upset his mom. She's old and probably will have a very hard time with all of this. The child is bi-racial and is family is very small town.

I know that this child is probably the most innocent victim in all of this and I do worry about his safety with her. She threatened suicide while pregnant several times. When I found out about the A and he finally did end it with her she tried again. She was hospitalized for several days. He's keeping a notebook with all of the things that she's saying, emailing and pulling, just in case he may need it later.


ME: 42
WSO: 41
Not Married, but together 13yrs.
D-Day: 12/10/07 (yeah merry x-mas to you too)
4 children (3 mine, 1 ours)20, 17, 14, 6
1 year Military Deployment Affair
Attempting Reconcilliation



Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Wisconsin
SadMommie
♀ Member
Member # 17718
Angry  Posted: 3:30 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uuuuggghhhh - Why???

That piece of trash that my H brought into my life is driving me crazy!!!! She decided to post on her blog that she has been screwing him like crazy for a couple of weeks - all night - lie (I think). Then she goes on to say that he never lies to her and only to me!!!!

Why does she think she is the victim in this mess???? She and my H made this mess!!! Why am I cleaning up???? Why does she feel the need to try to make me feel terrible????? What kind of person does that to another?????? I just can't stand her. My H could have atleast picked one with a brain!!!

Sorry for the vent. I just don't understand.


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


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