Question: In most cases it seems as though the OW is a nutjob/crackhead/loser/slut.. does it make you feel bad about yourself knowing that your H slept with this kind of person?? sometimes I wonder if that is the type of person he would rather be with? I know it sounds dumb but I can't help but wonder sometimes, my H and I are so different..
I know this kinda didn't make much sense.. i'm rambling i know.
I don't know if I could do it--but I guess none of us thought we'd be able to cope with infidelity, much less an OC. We just don't know.
The OW is H's case wasn't a dopehead or anything--just a selfish and neurotic colleague--a work-related infidelity. Don't know if that's better or worse--just different. I think a ONS might be a tad easier in the sense that there isn't the draw that might be there after an EA as well as the PA--but I see that wondering what the attraction was to the sort of person you describe would do even more damage to BS' self-esteem that is trashed when we find out about the infidelity.
It's just all painful.
I wonder about going out with OC when he's old enough to travel so far to our neck of the woods. Guess I'll deal with that when it happens--he's only 2 so it will be awhile. Just more of the painful stuff we have to face, right?
I like you would say these our my H's children and people would give me a look and understand what I meant. But like you, I got tired of living that everyday. They have been with us for 7 months and have been visiting for 1 yr. Most of the doctor's office and everrwhere I go they refer to me as mommy. The OC don't call me that, but they don't get confused when someone else refers to me as their "mommy".
The OW is a crackhead that has a total of 6 children, none of which she has custody of. The bitch even lived in my house after she had the 1st child and I had no idea. I was very hurt that my H put everything we have on the line to have an A with this loser and for 10 yrs! Alot of it had to do with his substance abuse too, but he was sober at some point during that 10 yrs.
I don't say anything to him about it anymore, but how could he, he had everything I could give him, and he betrayed me with someone who is lower than the dirt on my shoe and had kids with her (or so he thought).
I don't compare myself to OW anymore because there is no comparision and that is not me having a big head, I just know I am the better woman. My H knows it and now even her children know it, so I try not to dwell on it.
But it is a hard pill to swallow.
Lauren, our OW didn't find out she was pregnant until she was nine weeks along. Even though a pregnancy lasts 10 lunar months, you don't know until you miss your next period, which is when you are usually four weeks or so, give or take. And since your OW has been known to fake this before, it sounds more like this "miscarriage" is her getting her period and playing for sympathy.
[This message edited by redvixen at 11:31 AM, April 26th (Saturday)]
XWH died Dec. 2010
In most cases it seems as though the OW is a nutjob/crackhead/loser/slut.. does it make you feel bad about yourself knowing that your H slept with this kind of person?? sometimes I wonder if that is the type of person he would rather be with?
No, for 2 reasons. First, i think both we and our WSes overblow the "crazy" aspect of the OWs to make ourselves feel better.
Second, b/c I think we can all recognize the part of the OW that the WH was attracted to. In my OWs case, her drama queen/new-agey/crunchy/manipulative personality--the exact thing that he now describes as "nutty"--also made him feel desired, admired, and, of course, horny.
I know that personally I have not blown out of proportion the crazy aspect of OW. Multiple suicide attempts, bi-polar, druggie. Just nuts, to this day, her or her family just dont understand that we called DFS on them b/c she admitted to my H that one night(11pm) she put the baby in the car(front seat of a pickup-rear facing) and passed out while driving on the highway, crossed the median and drove up and embankment and does't understand how bad that is?? She thinks we did it for revenge and not b/c of the saftey of the OC. She has been hospitalized more times then I can count, in fact that is how we got custody of her. She was in the hospital, did not contact DFS and they considered that abandoment. The judge has told her repeatdly what she needs to do and she has done.. NOTHING. He basically told her at the final hearing that she will never have custody of her again.
I also REALLY dont understand the attraction. I understand that my H had a ONS and not a full blown affair, but still, to sleep with someone, there should at least be some kind of attraction there.
Dont see it, dont think i ever will.
Oh well, I have been dealing with this for over a year now and some days are harder then others. I'm just hoping that as time goes on, i dont resent the OC and that I can truly over her like I love my DS and DD.
Sorry this is so long..
He is sorry and I've seen changes in him, but he doesn't understand how deep my hurt is.
Doistay, does your H feel that he was forced to go NC? Seriously you might want to consider IC or MC. And you might want to use the term OC or the child instead of what you are saying. It only causes more anomosity and assume you are trying to R.
How long ago was your d-day if you help me re-call? It is going to take time to try to heal from this and what he fails to understand is just because he is letting someone else claim the OC doesn't make it go away for you. I am 1 yr. past d-day and I have my good days, but I also have my days when I am "why am I still in tis marriage"? It is so hard when an A makes us question why we do things or even our own sanity.
Keep posting and venting here. There are some of us that that gone thru what you are feeling and can truly understand the pain and frustration.
I certainly understand the pain and frustration that you are feeling in this situation.
And I agree with first and third, don't be surprised if later down the line she changes her mind about this. Do you think your H will change his mind?
I can't believe I said that. I am so angry about this child and I want the whole situation to go away. Here I am telling him to fight to be a part of her life.
What does that mean? Am I inching toward forgivness? Am I crazy?
The thing is this. He wants to be in the child's life. So I guess I think he should fight to be in her life.
But I'm not sure what that means for me. I too, want a baby. The fact that he was able to have one with someone else makes me feel like a failure.
[This message edited by kwash at 1:20 PM, May 1st (Thursday)]
Is it bad of me that my first thought was "I hope her new H wants to adopt OC".
I asked my H what he would do if he got court papers asking him to sign away rights so OC could be adopted. He said he would sign on the dotted line and be done with the situation.
I also recently found out he got himself another cell phone because his main phone is under my account and it has GPS on it. He says he has been lying to me about things because they are things I don't want to hear about. He does not understand that him hiding things hurts me the most. I feel like the affair hasn't ended if he is lying to me like this. Sometimes I feel so stupid for still being here.
are there anyone here who's H took this long to wake up? if your H had no clue how to fix the marriage in the beginning, what was the turning point?
ok, he didn't say he's been lying, he said he's been hiding things from me. appearantly, they are different things to him.
[This message edited by monkeybiz at 4:39 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)]
OW since Dec? 04
D-day May 07
OC borm July 07