vent away. I feel the same way most of the time. How do they find women like this. Mine once told me that he picked her because she told him everything that he wanted to hear and gave him sex whenever he wanted it.
My OW probably has a blog that she's spewing the same garbage that yours does. I've been trying to search for it, but can't find it. How did you find her blog?
For your own healing...steer clear.
[This message edited by coastofsomewhere at 3:42 PM, June 13th (Friday)]
Oh - she has a Myspace account. She is just a piece of trash that I wish would find its was to the dumpster.
"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey
"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu
I know it's hard, but each time you get the urge, remind yourself why reading it isn't a good idea...how it is going to make you feel...how it will influence your happiness and your day.
We will be starting a second OC support thread for BS only. This thread will stay open for everyone.
We trust that neither thread will be used to talk about what is happening on the other or talk about anyone posting on the other. Each thread should be used for support and idea sharing.
If anyone has any questions they can PM one of us.
And the OW in my case isn't amenable to my input in any way--still wishes I would disappear I'm afraid.
Seriously Mary...does that really matter? I'm sure in the selfcentered can't see passed yourself state of an active OW it matters. But in reality...does that really matter. The man was married and I don't care what he said or how he acted...in my book, if you are married you don't go looking for a girlfriend or boyfriend. And you certainly don't take a MM as a boyfriend. But that's just me.
No it does not matter. I know when people ask what were they thinking is used to so much that is why I said it.
Okay...so why bring it up. Obviously, it must have justified it for you at some point. I mean...you did knowingly go into an A with a MM with COM, right?
At the time justification for both of us....not just me, but again, there is no justification as of for years now.
Which is exactly why I have such strong opinons about cheating and what it does to the children/the family. The tone set is cheating is an option...who gets hurt, doesn't matter.
True, it's an option. No disagreement there.
Again...the OW was sooooo wrapped up in herself that she didn't give a flying flip about the COM, but now, the OC IS suppose to be thought of.
You see what I expected from mm or bw was NOTHING. What I would have liked was for her to be thought of...but I never expected it. I accepted it.
We will have to disagree with your point of not bringing your children into the A also. Because from my point of view when a parent has an A, they are bringing their children into it. Your (in general) actions played fast and loose with their family and with their sense of safety and security. Your actions were also teaching those children that affairs are okay.
Okay one huge mistake out of 9 years. Something that I've spent years making up for and showing different. Your past does not always say who you are today. Why is it that the ow is forever branded for this? My kids know what happened. My xh gf told one of my twins. So I had to tell them before the counseler felt they should have been told, but they had been given little tid bits preparing them for it, and because of the gf talking, it had to come eariler. My kids have never met any man I've dated. If they are not marriage matterial then they are not coming around my kids. Plain and simple. The affair was a huge mistake Coast, but it is not who I am nor does it brand me for life. At least my kids know that I made a mistake but am able to overcome that mistake and have proven what and who I really am. Just as so many MM's have been able to do as well.
Because you say this...
But I did also think about mm's kids before he even did.
but didn't think that much of them when you decided to have an A with their father.
yeap you are absolutly right.
My point is the OW wanting what's best for the children only became important when it was her child. And expecting of others that you (in general) wouldn't even do yourself...well that seems a bit hypocritical to me. But, that's just my opinion
If you mean if the table was turned? I can't say that I would not do it. I do think if I could not handle it, I'd walk away though. that is just me though. I can't speak for other ow's.
I also wonder why OW's with OC are so surprised when the MM doesn't step up to the plate when it comes to OC. I mean, he is already cheating and betraying not only his wife but his COM...why in the world would you (in general) think he is going to start acting like some moral, selfless man with the OC.
good question. I know it was NO surprise to me. I expected it. My gut told me. I to do wonder why it surprises some ow's but then again there is that "Fog" again. He's the best thing since bread and butter.
And it seems to me the tone was already set before OC was even in the picture. And that thanks goes to the 2 adults who were actually in the know...the MM and the OW.
Coast if you re-read my post regarding tones, I've mentioned it on ALL sides not just the bw or mm. It goes for the ow as well. I've met a few wacked out ow's as well. I just know that for me even though there is NC I have never put her father down to her or was rude regarding anything towards him to her. You never know what tomorrow brings. I don't know your whole story so when I say something it maynot be directed at you or it may be a assumption that we all do. Kwim? I've met a few bw's as your mom who was the only adult there as well and how sad for the oc as there could have been a chance that the oc had two great families to love and adore them.
As I said before, this is simply my opinion. It's the whole "Do as I say, not as I do" thing that just gets me.
I understand that statement, but we all are going to make mistakes raising our kids. Some are going to be bigger mistakes than others. Do we teach our kids that there are things we should not do and if we do make a mistake that we learn from it and become a better person better example to them, or that nothing is forgivable if a mistake is done?
I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.
The only reason I'm not absolutely certain that you and I have the same OW is that mine isn't due for another 2 months. Otherwise, they're pretty much the same psycho-bitch. Apparently, there's a factory somewhere churning them out from the same mixture of slime and self-deception.
In my case, the cOW has invented a world where she was involved in a great love affair with my WS, only to be unceremoniously dumped when she got pregnant. Brave girl, she's finding a way through it with the love and support of her many, many friends.
In reality, she's known me for as long as she's known him--about 7 years. In reality, they were sex buddies who broke up a dozen times in the 5 years they were screwing around. In reality, he dumped her last August, and when she found out i was in fertility treatments, she ran back to him for round 13 in November.
In the opinion of those who know both of us, she's making up these stories for 2 major reasons--first, she's really and truly a little nutty, and can convince herself of just about anything if she wants to believe it bad enough. Second, she is STILL hoping to get him back, and if her blog can get me to break up with him, she's just sure he'll come a'runnin. And if that doesn't work, making me miserable is a reward in itself.
DON'T READ THE BLOG. it's exactly what she wants, and you're playing right into her hands.
__insert name____ can convince herself of just about anything if she wants to believe it bad enough
This is IMHO why SI is such a popular place and always will be. All humans adapt beliefs of some kind and live their lives accordingly. Most belief have a basis in reality even if they evolves into fantasy. I think most player in this scenario is guilty of convincing themselves of what ever it is THEY need to believe to move forward on their chosen path. The problem is that when you are the one deluding yourself you can't see it or it wouldn't be a delusion.
[This message edited by auntcis at 5:40 AM, June 16th (Monday)]
i put up with the baggage...i put up with all the things he did wrong to me that is in addition to his dirty ONS and the existance of the OC...yet i don't do enough. why did god curse me this way? i will never understand.
I have no idea why God has allowed any of this to happen. I know I didn't ask for it. I also have faith that he has bigger plans for me. THe hurt that I face now is only preparing my for something else. I hope this helps you. I hope I didn't offend anyone. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone with the Why God question.
I know it's not a religious thread, but I just try to remember what my grandmother told me when I found out OC was my H. She said "God never gives us more than we can handle", it helps me,hope it helps you.
I think you might be confused about the WHY of being a bigger & better person...the point is not to be better so that he'll stay around--his ONS had nothing to do with how good YOU are and everything to do with how good HE is. In fact, he's already proven that he's pretty drastically inferior to you, so becoming "better" so that maybe he'll love you more is casting pearls (you) before swine (him).
The point of being better and stronger is to NOT fall to his level or the level of the OW even though they've done terrible things to you, and even though you'll be extremely tempted.
He screwed around. You didn't. You're better than he is already. You will be tempted to do so in the future to get back at him. You still won't, because you're bigger than that. The OW will undoubtedly try to make life difficult for you. You'll ignore her and live your life because you're better than she is.
Better means keeping your self respect and not sinking to their levels, even tho you'd be perfectly justified in doing so.
And as to why God cursed you like this, has it ever occurred to you that in the big scheme of things, your part might be more minor than that? Perhaps God blessed you by showing you what kind of man you're married to, so that you can get over it and go to the next big thing he has planned...maybe the "curse", if there is one, is really reserved for your WS or the OW.
She was delusional in that H told her from the start that he wasn't leaving his marriage and family, she'd argue and weep and then stuff it inside herself and go on as if they were just fine, then blow up again when H wouldn't go on vacation with her or something. And H was delusional in thinking he could handle the situation, let her down slowly, and have a marriage with his wife that was real and with a wife who wouldn't ever know.
I was delusional in thinking that our drifting into parallel lives was part of being married for so long--thought of every reason in the book except that he was cheating. Not naive any longer--still miss the sense of trust in H's integrity.
And I hope I'm not still delusional thinking we can go into our golden years with a pretty good marriage, despite the hassles and pressures of an OC, and continued contact with OW. Maybe I am, but I'm willing to gamble that we'll get through it all somehow.
I've gained a remorseful H who is trying pretty hard, I could lose an unfaithful H who couldn't keep his boundaries intact. I'll try with the remorseful guy and we'll see.