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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Other Child Support Thread II
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't told anyone in my family and I don't plan on it. He told me today that he has been visiting OC and although I don't want it to bother me it does. I am so miserable. Why is it fair for him to get any enjoyment out of this situation when I am in so much pain. No offense but OC doesn't know if he is there or not she's only a baby. It's not fair. How can he be happy about any part of this sitaution knowing how new and how painful it is to me. It feels like salt in my wound. I feel hopeless. I can't tell him can't see OC. I agreed on him visiting OC. What about how I feel I don't know if I can handle this. I wish I could just disappear. Is it selfish to feel like his focus should be on me right now. OC will be here forever.

[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 5:02 PM, June 19th (Thursday)]


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((lonely&depressed)))

I'm so sorry you are in so much pain today

[This message edited by auntcis at 5:02 PM, June 19th (Thursday)]


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
charlotte
♀ Member
Member # 3663
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((lonely&depressed)))))

What is your H doing to help you get through this?

Have you tried looking for another MC?


Posts: 3983 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: Maryland ES
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mostly he says that we have to move forward. That I keep telling him all the bad things he's done to me and not the positive. That he wants it to work. But in the end to me it's all talk. I'm so withdrawn from that I just go through my everday motions. He hasn't over extended himself to any degree if you ask me. He just acts like things are regular. I feel like he should be doing ALOT more. Sure, he asks me want can he do to make things better but I feel but I can't give him instructions everyday. He didn't need my advice during his A. Some things should be naturally sincere and come from the heart if you know what I mean. How can tell him do this, do that , do this and then I'll feel better. I doesn't work that way.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
doistay2008
♀ Member
Member # 18898
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((L and D))

I am about 4 months out from d-day also. I do understand your pain. Of course him seeing the OC would bother you. If it makes you feel any better, I can't even say the child's name. According to everything that I have read and heard here on SI, it will take years to heal from this. My advice. Give yourself a break. Allow your feelings to surface and continue to talk to him about everything. You can't get to normal until you can face all of the residual issues that have come from this.

I will give you an example: My husband and IO have a mutual friend whose name is the same as OC. When he said our friends name I would go into an angry zone. I had to tell him that he needed to find a way to talk about her that didnt start with her name b/c I was getting angry for no reason. He listed and changed his behavior. That may seemed small, but it was super helpful to me.



Me: 30
Him: 30
Married 2 years/
Togetherish 8
OC: born feb 08
No COM

Posts: 210 | Registered: Mar 2008
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm confused tonight. The OC is having medical issues and H was getting an update about insurance from OW tonight(we are somewhat NC). I am ok with them talking about OC as long as I'm in the room.

Anyway, she asked if she could put OC on the phone but didn't wait for an answer. So H "talked" to her for a few minutes (she's 1.5). He smiled a little. I wasn't sure why, but I cried a little. I was happy because I feel bad for this little girl, but I'm so sad cause I'm afraid that once any kind of relationship forms between H and OC, he won't be able to stay away from OC.

I told him that I am ok with C or NC as long as HE is the one making the choice, not OW forcing it. It is going to turn our lives upside down all over again, but I feel like I'm living a lie the way it is. I'm just not sure what I want anymore.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
doistay2008
♀ Member
Member # 18898
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((wonttobok))

I understand your confusion. I am proud of you for giving him the option of contact or no contact. Having contact with the OC is a tough thing to face.


Me: 30
Him: 30
Married 2 years/
Togetherish 8
OC: born feb 08
No COM

Posts: 210 | Registered: Mar 2008
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((want2bok)))

I am proud of you also. But just because your H showed kindness to the OC doesn't mean that he will now want contact. Shortly before we moved away from where the A happened and where OW/OC live we had to go to OW house to give her insurance cards for the OC. Well OW, piece of work that she is, had OC who was 3 at the time answer the door because she knew it was my H knocking. OC didn't call my H Dad or anything and my H was very sweet to OC and then asked if her mother was home and stood talking with OC for a few minutes. When OW came to the door my H gave her the insurance cards and that was that. It didn't make my H change his mind about NC, it just showed that he was not someone who could be outright cruel to a child. And like us, if your H should chose to remain NC it doesn't mean he doesn't care what happens to the child at all. If he does choose to have contact that will have to be an issue you deal with, but just because he was nice to OC it doesn't have to mean that now he wants contact.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. Auntcis that is a good point. Maybe he won't change his mind about the NC. We have to talk to OW tonight - I'm already dreading it. It makes me sick to think about it.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Cool  Posted: 7:08 PM, September 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by MYOC&ME at 9:29 PM, September 24th (Wednesday)]


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
butterpecan727
♀ New Member
Member # 21250
Frustrated  Posted: 11:26 AM, October 14th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new to all this. I just happen to google surviving infidelity and this site appeared, caught my attention and i registered and HERE i AM!

OK let me get right to the point. My husband of 10 years had an affair with a woman in FL. She got pregnant as a result of this affair. IN April of 2007 my husband ordered a new phone. When the phone was received i thought i would do him a favor and charge it. When i plugged in the phone a slew of msgs appeared on his phone. most of them fwds, joke, etc. This ONE msg thread from this woman in FL. peaked my curiousity. IN particular the msg that said.. how can you treat a woman in my condition like this... OK well i'm a W and guess what that can only mean one thing to me.
SO i call her, very calmly i identified myself. She remained very silent and when i told her i was the W SHE said OH i didnt know and i'm carrying his child.

i really cannot explain my feelings.. however i managed to be very civil, calm and collected. I told her that, that child she was carrying that belonged to my husband had sibs, and that it also had a stepmother. HE was MY H and i would not allow her to bring down what God had put together.

OKAY time has past, but I am still hurting. BTW she lied about not knowing he was married. She knew and I KNOW she knew it. ANYHOW. Although she decided she didn't want my H involvement it didn't feel right to me. WHY should that child be left out of his family, because of adult stupid choices. Besides i dont feel right knowing that my children have a sib. I REACHED out to HER. I sent her an email and I told her how i felt ABOUT THE CHILDREN. SHE responded and was mature and she agreed. We are all trying to be amicable here, but I still hurt and I still don't trust. I recently saw pics of the child and a WHOLE SET of emotions erupted again.
This is like a wound that is healing but ever so often when you bump it it starts to bleed. ~sigh~ I just hope for some peace. I pray every day for healing. It just seems like it's never going to heal.


Posts: 2 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, October 14th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Butterpecan.............Sorry you find yourself here. You should try posting in the OC for BS's thread. You'll find alot of healful advice. I applaud you for trying to OC into your family. Myself and other here have made differnt choices. We each have to do what is best for our individual sanity. In a situation like this you really don't no who to trust. Our H's have lied and so have OW. Has OW had a DNA test done? How involved does your H want to be? Try to put yourself first and don't worry about what other people think you should be doing. Only you know what is right for you? You only have a responsiblity to yourself and your COM.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
butterpecan727
♀ New Member
Member # 21250
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, October 16th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lonely&depressed. Thank you. You made me realize that I am forcing myself to accept this. And you know i really dont have to. You are right the COM are the ones i need to be concerned about.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, October 16th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Butterpecan......I'm glad I could help. I am still struggling to rebuild my marriage. I'm not sure it can be saved. Most of that is up tp my H and how he chooses top handle the situation. I'm not going to be forced fed or emotional tortured because of his OC. I didn't screw up he did. I allow myself to feel and own every emotion I have. Knowone will ever look out for your best interest other than yourself. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for whatever you decide to do. I told my H, before he comes to me and and ask me to embrace OC and treat her as my own C, he would be better off asking me for a Divorce. That's how serious I am. I don't owe OC a damn thing, he does.

[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 12:18 PM, October 16th (Thursday)]


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
haduki
♂ New Member
Member # 21523
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, November 23rd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am little surprised majority of posts on OC is from W of H that have child with OW.

Well in my case I am H and my WW is with OMC and for me it is pretty straight forward I will not except nor want to see at all OC. So I am going for D cause I cannot live with that abomination of marriage I am sad for my son he will have some half-brother and no father next to him. Same with OC because my WW suddenly realized she do not love him nor she wants nothing to do with him. Too little to late. She tries to push the OC on me hard and hopes for R. I will have none of that. As per her last visit and I hope I never have to see her again in person nor OC, she said and I quote:

"Look every time you speak he kicks like he wants to see you he does not do that when I speak to OM"

This really got me mad, I was ready to explode and tell her what I was thinking but what is the point cannot erase that nor turn back the time.

I told myself I choose be alone rest of my life than have anything to do with that OMC.

I know I might be able to raze the OMC, but there are too many unknowns in the future.

My biggest fear would be loving OMC more then my own son, because the marriage might be better etc.

I think it is better to start anew with someone you can trust somewhat.

I told my WS that we can try if she gives the OC to the OM or gives it up for adoption, that kind of sacrifice will tell me she means business, but I know she will never agree to that, and I think I still would walk away sooner or later.

OMC is something I cannot jump over and forget.


D-Day: August 6 ,2008 Told by my Son
12 years married
Me: 36
Her: 33
Children: Boy 11
------------------
OM: 41
OMW :43
Children: Girl 12
----------------
OMC on the way due in December 2008

" GOD FORGIVES I DO NOT"


Posts: 34 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: SEATTLE
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, November 24th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((haduki))))

Wow, this is a first, a man having to go through what we are dealing with

I guess it sucks for either BS that is having to deal with the OC issue

No advice really since it seems you have made up your mind, just wanted you to know you were heard


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
SadMommie
♀ Member
Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, November 24th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many Hugs!!!

I know a man that his wife became pregnant with OC. They tried to make the marriage work and they decided to give the child up for adoption on the other side of the country. The marriage didn't last but the little girl that was put up for adoption is thriving (the H gets the updates - interesting - he is the responsible one).

You are in my thoughts. We are all struggling with this terrible situation.


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, November 24th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Haduki,

I was reading your story in one of the other threads. I am so sorry that you are going thru this. Being a man doesn't make your pain any less than ours as women.

If you know or feel that you can not raise this OC, then you are doing what is right for you because it is hard to R when you are both in argeement to try to repair your family. Sometimes I wonder why the WS expects us to clean up their messes. She was irresponsible in her beahvior and had to deal with the consequences of that.

Everybody deserves to be in a healthy relationship with a partner they can trust, if you don't think you can recapture that with your WS, you have every right to do what is right to help you heal.

Good luck to you because which ever way you go, it is going to be a difficult road with ups and downs. But in time it will get better.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 9:07 AM, November 24th (Monday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not know if I can welcome the OC into my life. My husband says I have to. The OW was a friend of mine and I cannot deal with her for the next 18 years.


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chandler.......sorry i have had join this forum. One thing i would like to tell you is that YOU DO have options. You don't have to accept anything you don't want to . Never let her husband force you into doing something you don't want to. Even if it means the marriage won't work. Put YOU and ur COM first.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
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