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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Other Child Support Thread II
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Chandler))))

Sorry you find yourself joining us, but welcome.

Your H is wrong, YOU don't HAVE to do anything! He is the one who screwed up and HE is the one who HAS to make thing's as right as possible. You have a choice in the matter that only you can make. Like loney&depressed said you need to put you and your COM (if you have them) first, even if that means your marriage has to end.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am guessin tht OMC means children we have together and we do have 1, I just don't know if it would be the best thing for him if we were to seperate. I just can't see myself welcoming this child. Does that make me a horrible person?


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely not. Just found you on this thread after I pmed you. Of course this does not make a horrible person, just as you would not be a horrible person for leaving after your H had an affair, let alone an OC.

In my opinion, very few people, men or women, would be able to accept an OC with open arms, especially at first, and the ones that do are angels (and we know who those are on this board).


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1954 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Chandler.........It has been a year since I found out about OC. I haven't see her and don't plan to EVER. She is not my responsibility. PERIOD. I explained that I wanted nothing to do with her from the moment I found out. I believe that I am a great person. I'm not the one who broke my vows. Therefore, I'm not going to be the that has to make the sacrifices. I told H this so he could decide If he could work on our marriage on MY TERMS. Me and COM come first everyday of the week. If he can't handle that then he needs to make other plans. If I wanted another baby, I would have had one myself. Your H betrayed U, U don't have to bend over backward to accomodate him. That's whet he should be doing. U didn't agree to these terms. He broke the contract of ur marriage,

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did that direct approach work for you? if so that's great unfortunatally it does not work with my WH. He told me that if I cannot accept the oC then maybe I need to leave, because it is part of him and our our childs sibling. He put it on me now I am going WTF!!!


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chandler... He is the one that was in the wrong. He caused this mess. You need to do what you are comfortable with. If you want no contact between him and the OC and he doesn't want to abide by that then you have to decide what you can live with. Me personally, at first I demanded NC and my H didn't fight it but I wasn't sure if that is what he really wanted. After a month or so I decided that I couldn't make that decision for him and I told him I would support him no matter what he decided to do. Fortunately, he has remained mostly NC. We tried for a few months to see the OC, but the OW made it VERY difficult.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, Chandler, keep in mind that HE is the fuck up, and YOu get to choose whether to leave or stay.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1954 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chandler.......ur H is being unreasonable. This is his mess. Don;t be afraid to stanf your ground. Even if it means your marriage has to end. He decided that not you. Don't allow yourself to be forced into anything. Your H really has no bargaining power. YOU DO! Remember that. Do you wan to be married to a man that has already cheated on u in the owrst way also also has no respect for your feelings...... Come on. U have to Stand up for urself. Find your strength. Don't allow him to make decisions for you. He will never respect yor if you allow that.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am trying to stand my ground, but everytime I do he twists it and I come out looking like a B****. He ALWAYS makes me cry and I usually end up just saying hell with it because I am sooooooooo tired of all the arguing and fighting. I am at my wits end and something has GOT to give. I am just afraid it is going to be me because lately I don't feel like he is commited to saving our marriage.


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chandler.....maybe should show your H that u mean business. Have you considered separating or going to live with a relative for a while. Giving him a dos of reality. It may hurt to leave darling, but doesn't it hurt more to stay have demands made on you. . I'm not saying leave and shut down all communication but you H is definately taking u for granted. I'm numb now..Personally at time point for me the fear of losing my H is gone. If he wants our marriage to work it needs to be on my terms. He's the one that broke the contract.. Don't be afraid to tell him to kiss ur A**.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, March 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chandler, All I am going to say is that only you know what you can live with and you have to decide what that is. Just like you can't change him and make him what you want or need, he can't change or control who you are and what you want or need. No one should be forced to deal with OC if they don't want to. That being said you are still pretty early in this and the your H might change his stance or he might not.

The thing is don't make your decisions based on what he may or may not do. I have been there and it is a vicious rollercoaster that had my blood pressure up and me a nervous wreck. I say do what is right for you and your child. It is a difficult road no matter which way you turn.

We are here for you!


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, March 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

maybe should show your H that u mean business. Have you considered separating or going to live with a relative for a while. Giving him a dos of reality.

He would not care. He already told me that if I want to leave that is my decision, but if I leave that's it we are done. So if I want to save my marrige (which I do) I am stuck. Plus we live far away from any family so I literally have no where to go. Nice thought though.


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, March 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Candler.......wat kind of marriage are u saving? Is it the kind of marriage you want? From the things you say it doesn't sound like your husband is sorry or remorseful. Don't allow him to make ALL the decisions on how YOU are going to live your life. Do u think he would still be eith u if you have had done then to him?. Sorry to say this honey but it doesn't seem like he cares about what he done. Can u deal with that? Do u want to deal with that? Should you have to deal with that? It takes two people to make a marraige work. Not just u being his doormat.(((((Chandler))))))

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, March 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He told me that he would have left me if the shoe was on the other foot.


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, March 7th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Next time it is slow on this board, and I am tempted to post about OC in General, someone please hit me with a 2x4... I can't take anymore replies or pms advising me to "run, run far away".

I don't think very many BSs realize that it could easily be them with an OC. So many WSs have unprotected sex... we are just the really unlucky ones.

I truly thought I was one of the many victims of the OW's fictitious pregnancy (my best friend's H had an A at almost the exact same time as mine, and the OW claimed pregnancy and it turned out to be faked).

My FWH has been remorseful, transparent, and everything I could have asked for. MC has been great. But still I am advised to leave due to OC and finances, by the same people who stick through false Rs. They seem so casual in telling me to leave.

I love my H. He loves me, and our soon to be baby. Our relationship is honestly better than it has ever been.

I guess we all have different deal breakers. I think false R would be mine, but I cannot say until I have walked in those shoes.

Sorry, I just feel after reading my latest pms regarding my post.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1954 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Last Laugh
♀ Member
Member # 11653
Default  Posted: 5:29 AM, March 8th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

want2help, i'm sorry that the pms left you feeling bad. My XWH has twins with OW although conceived through IVF (verified) after an intense EA. I got many of the same pms advising me to cut my losses and run and they hurt me too.

Whilst I don't fault anyone for not being able to have a relationship with the OC, I do hold a lot of negativity toward my H because, given the chance, he'd have nothing to do with his. Admittedly, she is now married to the guy she was with when she got pregnant and my DH is off the hook for maintenance but I've become firm friends with OW, who was a co-worker of my husband. I babysit for the twins every weekend and love them to bits - hubby not so much - in fact, I think he'd be happy if he never saw or heard from them, her or him ever again. He says it's a constant reminder of his months of madness.

I love my husband to bits and vice versa and our life is better than ever. You know your marriage - no one else does - if you are happy, that's the most important thing. Hang in there hon.


trust is gained by many deeds and lost by only one.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Aug 2006
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, March 8th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((want2help))))

Next time this thread is slow please feel free to PM me if you need to talk. I learned a while ago that most of the BS in the general forums just don't get our situations. You really need to be in the OC situation to understand the gambut of emotions that we go through. I'm sorry if the words of some people who don't understand hurt you. Again please feel free to PM me anytime


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, March 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way as want2help. I am getting a lot of that not only from here but from other people I know as well. I am availible to help also pm me if you need. W


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, March 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been doing ok.... I really have. The OW has been on bedrest for several weeks which means she hasn't been at work which means i know for a fact FWH hasn't seen her. I've taken over all contact. But I feel soo overwhelmed and have been feeling like that for a couple of weeks. FWH just doesn't want to deal with the baby aspect of all this. He just doesn't..... and OW doesn't seem to give a crap about the baby either.. or something... I lost it last night and was yelling that it feels like I'm the only one who gives a shit about what happens with this baby, and all i was met with was a blank stare from FWH... *sigh* she's gonna go into labor at any minute.. so tonight I went out and went baby shopping for little girl clothes..... well after I was home and got my 5 little boys in bed and showed FWH what I'd bought etc etc.. i basically started having a panic attack and I'm still there. I just want to be done sometimes. OW sent me a message saying she didn't know what to name the baby and i just flipped out and told her that she either needed to decide on it herself or else if she really wanted someones input, it should be FWH's NOT MINE...

Meh, i just dont' know what I'm doing anymore.......I'm a planner by nature and to have no control over this situation is KILLING ME....


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW beajus how are you doing this? I can't even bring myself to look at pictures of the OC let alone buy things for it. Your strength AMAZES me.


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
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