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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Other Child Support Thread II
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry beajus. I don't remember if you've said or not, but is adoption an option for them/you? I don't mean to offend if it does. It just makes me sad that they are both acting this way when another couple would love this child in their family.

The OW for me has told me many times that she wishes she would have put OC up for adoption. She didn't believe my FWH when he said that he wasn't going to be able to be a father to her. She knew how much he loves our COM, and thought he'd feel the same for the OC once she was born. He told me that because he doesn't/didnt' love the OW, he just can't love the OC even though he tried.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish adoption was an option, but then she'd lose all ties to FWH, and she's said she will never do that. Even though she doesn't really want the baby now that it's come down to go time... she won't legally let go of her either....

My hands are sooo full right now with my own 5 little munchkins... i'm worried that 1 more is gonna break my sanity... but no seems to be listening or caring. Anytime italk about OC FWH's eyes gloss over and he mentally removes himself from the conversation. I've read NJF and i'm sure it's because he himself is not ready to deal with the ramifications of what he's done, unfortunatley that is just too damn bad, because that baby is coming whether he's ready to deal or not and it's soo frusterating...


We all have our own tolerance levels... some of us can manage to pull off raising OW's kids, some of us vomit at the mere thought of the OC. All ways are ok

I thought i was perfectly Ok shopping for the baby and all that kind of stuff, but then i got home and something snapped. i was up until 1:30 am sick to my stomach, having panic feelings etc... I haven't had to take any anti-anxiety meds in 3 months till last night. It royallys sucks.


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is why OW wouldn't do adoption in our situation as well. She wanted to hang on to my H in any way she could. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time.

I know if we lived closer to them, we would have to have OC in our lives. But they are about 2 hours away, although I am in her town every month or so for work. I have only seen them once and that was to drop off a b-day gift that I had to buy. I did okay with it then - I think I felt sorry for them at the time. Since then, I have had the sick to my stomach feeling anytime she has called/texted.

I think the range of emotions is completely normal. I think sometimes we can remove ourselves from the situation and it eventually catches up with us.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Woww, just Wow everyone, this just never seems to be easy on any of us, no matter what the situation, contact or no contact. I just wish for everyone good prayers, and nice thoughts, we will come through this, bad doesn't last forever, or so I'm told. There must be a light at the end of our tunnels. Pleeease.

Just an update to my situation, we got court papers today telling FWH that court is set for this thursday, not much of an advance notice, but hoping all of you will keep me in your prayers, this is the first face to face for me with OW.

Yesterday OW called my FWH and told him, that he better tell me that I need to remove the pictures of the OC(twins) from my myspace page. He didn't comment back to her in fear of her holing it against him, in regards to standing up to her until after court. She also told him that she would email me in regards to this matter. LMAO.

Well so far no email, and I explained to my FWH that I would do no such thing, if he thinks that I am going to listen to what his Ex-mistress tells my H what I should do, she has another thing coming, and also I would not let her back into my marriage and control me or us. What a joke, she wants me no were around the boys, but she should have thought about that before taking fertility pills to get pregnant by a married man.

I just hope that in court the judge will side with FWH and me, to allow us joint custody and visitation in our home, how can a person build a bond with a child with only 5 min. in a parking lot, the guy at the grocery store would have a better chance of building a bond.

It just furiates me how some women can use their children to benefit themselves and not think of the childs well being.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamer,

Good Luck with Thursday. I hope it goes the way that you want it. Just keep in mind while you may be allowed in the courtroom, more than likely the judge will not let you speak and you will have to just sit in the audience. Unfortunately the court system feels that this has nothing to do with us.

Funny considering that we have to change our lives to include OC in some way. I was not allowed to be involved in the court hearings until it was determined that my H was not the father and I became the guardian.

So I just want to prepare you in case it happens. Good luck and let us know what happens.

Beajus, I know that this is so hard for you and I am so sorry. I think you show such grace to even go shopping for OC. It really gets to me when OW thinks that we are their friends That because we shoe some human decency towards OC that we they can lean on us for advice and othe things. It happened to me too. I will be sending positive thoughts to everyone.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 11:30 PM, March 10th (Tuesday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, March 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My thoughts are going to be with you. I hope all goes well.


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, March 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamer I'm thinking of you and sending you good vibes!


BMC..
That's just it... she thinks because i'm handling things ok and taking the high road that means I want to be her friend... i do NOT want someone like her as a friend!

I just can't deal with that aspect of everything. I try to keep it to just business and she starts talking about her life, asking questions, etc etc.. BLAH


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, March 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamer how did things go yesterday?


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I haven't gotten on here tell now, about our court.

H wanted to take me away for a weekend get away. Very nice.

Well finally saw OW. WOW just WOW. Never thought that I would react the way I did. It took me 3 days to stop the tears from coming. After I saw her I think the reality of it all just became sooo much clearer to me. I don't think I am a shallow person at all, and know that the A is not about them being pretty. But let me just vent this, hope I do not affend anyone with what I say, not intended, just the hatred for the OW makes this sooo much more intense.
But man she showed up in dress slacks and stilletos, she looked dressy, but I saw her face and she is 10 years younger than me, and she looks 10 years older, and she supposibly had a leg lift, at the same time I had my breast lift. Well at least mine looks great, but I dont see how she got her monies worth, and when she walked , it looked like 2 pigs resteling around in her thighs and ass. Just nasty.. Now my security level has gone way back up, cause you know if my H wants ground hamburger, when he has filet mignon at home, he can have hamburger for the rest of his life. I wont take it personal anymore, in regards to my physical apperarance. I am 5 foot and weigh about 120 very petite and muscular. So I wore tight cordory pants, DEEP RED and have a great booty, so on our way into court, H stood up and here she comes, so I jump up right in front of her, cause god knows I did not want to walk behind that, so she got to watch my cute little wiggle

Well the had a quick meeting before court in a seperate room, and she was livid that I was there, and H told her that I had just as much right to be there..

I later thanked H for standing up for me.

Well here comes the shit, that happened. Judge calls both of them into the witness stand and goes over the support issues and she agrees to everything, of course. H gets up there, and the judge made him feel like a piece of shit. She got into the insurance part and she was livid that he did not already have ins. on the boys, mind you we just got paternity results not even a month ago, and CS papers said that would be discussed in CS hearing, so yes we were unaware of that we should have already had that in place. So the judge yelled at H that she was very appauled that children were living on the system and he makes X amoun t of money. She then said she needed to take a moment and excused herself and left the court room, then the strenagrapher left as well to cool down she said. Mind you H is still sitting in the witness stand, so OW, H and myself are the only ones in the court room for 10 min. complete silience, and felt sooo bad for my H, so then he gets slapped with 400.00 a month in insurance and 2000.00 a month child support. This sucks so bad, we are barely making it now, H works in the car business, and I have been trying to find a job for a year now, we are also in the process of filing for bankruptcy. this all is just so overwhelming for me. Nothing happened with custody, yet.

We are going for full or at least part, he now needs to do his parenting class, then they will have a mediation hearing inregards to that.

The OW lied in court sooo much, she did not claim all her wages or the CS she gets from her X. We did not want to say anything cause the way things turned out, she also said that FWH has been giving her 1500 to 2000.00 a month to help her with rent. ( that made it so H would not have to pay back CS or pay the state back for any medical expenses).

H felt so blind sided from the judge walking out in the middle, that he forgot to bring up all he wanted to address. So for now the visitation is the same until mediation or court. Were he only gets to see them in the mornings on here terms. So he pays this much freaken money and has no parental rights. WTF...

the OW and I never even said 2 words to eachother, but when we left H did give me a kiss in front of her.

Saturday, my H best friend asked me out to lunch, we had a great talk, and he did tell me some stuff that I did not know, which was quite funny, that during his A, OW was getting upset cause WH could not perform for her. LMAO, with that of course he couldnt. Never had that problem with me. and that the PA did not happen but a few times over the course of the 1 1/2 years, which now I understand how much the intellectual part means to my H.

He did text me on Saturday "My PROMISE to u MY LOVE whenever i fell your emotions get elevated i wont get upset all i will do is hold u in my arms and let u know we will be ok I LOVE U for being there 4 me now its my turn to be there 4 u." That really ment alot to me, cause of all this, I feel she didn't win my H, but she won his $$$. What she really was trying to go for.
cause right after court she posted on her myspace (no 2x4s) "A new beginning is soon to come, counting the days like it is tomorrow...."
What a B*&%)#**.

Sorry it was lengthy but just started venting along with explaining, so sorry, but I'm so bitter at the whole situation..



S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW Dreamer, I just don't know what to say, but WOW!

I don't understand these court proceeding sometimes. I am glad that your H stood up for you and was loving, but WOW, just WOW! It sounds to me that the judge had some kind of personal prejudice. Just IMO.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, WOW is right..

We have been told that we should write a letter to the judge, and explain that he did not get to say what he wanted to say, cause the judge blindsided him, and that he feels that he has a right to be able to see his children for the amount he is paying... But not sure if that will help when he goes to court again or if they would think that he is even worse for it.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UGHHHH dreamer.. all i can offer is hugs! I'm so sorry it happened that way.

In our state CS and custody are 2 very seperate issues. If dads don't pay support it doesn't affect their visitation and vice versa.. a lot of dads paying out the ass in CS get NO visitation.

I do think it's a really good idea to put things in writing and submit it to the courts (you can turn it into the clerk). Keep emotion completely out of it. Just state facts. Bulleted points if you have to. Try to keep each thing to one line. Anything thar requires more explnation put down at the bottom. That is what our attorney told us to do anyway. HTH

((HUGS))


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((dreamer)))))

Sorry it didn't go better for you guys in court. It pisses me off how some judges treat the fathers in our situation, like the mother's of these children were angels!

At least your H treated you well


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
Forgive/Forget
♀ Member
Member # 23402
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, March 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new to this, but have been dealing with the thought of OC for the past year. We have had NC with OW since the birth. She claims it is my H, but has "found a real man" that claims he will raise it as his" I don't want anything to do with any of this, but part of me wants to know if it is really my husbands child. I still don't want contact, but I hate having this feeling that one day she is going to drop the bomb. I don't know if I should leave things well enough alone, or take a chance and hopefully find out it isn't his. Any suggestions? We have spent the last year making our marriage better than ever.


"Know that the pain will pass, and when it passes, you will be stronger, happier and more sensitive and aware"

Posts: 139 | Registered: Mar 2009
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, March 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is just totally my opinion.
I thin if your marriage is back on solid ground. That for ME i couldn't live without knowing, I'd be scared a kid would show up on our doorstep 18 yrs later or that OW would go get on state aid at some point and then we'd be blind sided by a paternity case.. I'd want to know. Knowing doesn't mean you have to have contact. Maybe it would give you closure.. but maybe it wouldn't....
OW doesn't sound like she'd be open to DNA testing anyway.. so maybe it would be better to stay away.. not sure..
Good luck with whatever you do (hug)


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, March 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would want to know, but that is just me.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, March 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me as well, I had to know, my FWH just new they were his but I insited on DNA testing, because I did not want him or I to get attached and find out they really arent his, after there is already attachment.

Plus I would always wonder if she will come after him for bak child support, down the road, especially if she goes for state aid, then he will have to pay back the state as well, if the judge rules that way, which very high probability.

Sorry but my opinion, if OW does not agree to DNA, have it notarized, and that probably means that she does not believe deep down they may not be his. JMHO, but do it, even if you have to go down to the court and request it, I would not like knowing if someday when things are all good, and WHam, upside the head again...

Good luck to ya ((hugs))


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
Forgive/Forget
♀ Member
Member # 23402
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciated your opinions. It is nice to get a view from someone who actually knows what you are going thru.


"Know that the pain will pass, and when it passes, you will be stronger, happier and more sensitive and aware"

Posts: 139 | Registered: Mar 2009
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgive,

Hi and welcome. If you have any questions about whether you should know about the DNA or not, read my story and see if that helps you a little. My H went for 4 years believing the twins were his, although we were fortunate not to have to deal with CS, believe me it still has its own problems, one day we will have to explain to them that my H is not their father.

My personal opinion, it is better to know what you are dealing with so that you know how to tackle it. And if this other person is going to raise it as his own, well does that mean he will adopt the OC, because if so, the bio-dad has to sign off and DNA would have to be done. Good luck with this it is a very difficult decision.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
Forgive/Forget
♀ Member
Member # 23402
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where we are from, the fathers name can not be put on the birth certificate unless he signs. My H did not sign, and I don't know if this other man did or not. She has not requested DNA, and has left us alone, so I am hoping that will continue. I guess I am looking for closure, and I probably don't want to know the real answer. She posted messages online saying how she had gotten pregnant by this horrible man and didn't know he was married...which was a lie. She approached my sons and let them know what their dad had done to her, what kind of person does that? She claims she wasn't trying to hurt anyone. The only times I have spoken to her (twice)I realized that she had nothing to say that I wanted to hear. I let her know that I wouldn't allow her to hurt my family, and that the only thing she would get is what the State required him to pay. I think once she realized he wouldn't be her meal ticket, she found her own man. We have been through couseling, and I do realize that this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I think he made a bad choice. I think she also had her own decesion to make, and she made it, so she can deal with it. That may sound horrible, because I read how all of you step up and take care of these kids and I am amazed. The only reason I would of chosen to be a part of this childs life would be spiteful. I am trying to come to terms with that because I am not that kind of person. But I feel that my children and myself have been attacked, and that is the only response I have. You all must be saints to do and deal with all of this.


"Know that the pain will pass, and when it passes, you will be stronger, happier and more sensitive and aware"

Posts: 139 | Registered: Mar 2009
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