Now, almost 3 years after d-day, what we have is what I want now. Accepting the whole mess happened, accepting the bad times when we have negotiations over visitation or whatever, and looking at our everyday lives now as pretty good, I'd say it was worth it to me. That decision is different for everyone--but this M is right for me right now.
Not to say that I still don't have down times, times of total disbelief that this is my life now, times when I'm convinced that H has some ulterior motive for staying with me, or times when I still wonder if another shoe will drop. But time helps me see that it's often my paranoia--and my ever present sadness that our R wasn't enough for whatever reason--but those feelings would be inside me alone or with H, so here I am and surviving contentedly, if not gloriously happy.
It's repeated endlessly, but work on yourself, do what helps you survive, insist on whatever boundaries you need, and keep posting.
I know my mom means no harm, but the things she says are at times very hurtful. I've never been very open with my feelings, and I'd rather not share with her all the details of my relationship with my H. i've been staying with her for the past 5 months, but I can't take it much longer. she says if I D my WH, we can move in semi-permanantly and she can watch the kids... is it crazy that somehow I say to myself "no way" to such a sweet offer?!
OW since Dec? 04
D-day May 07
OC borm July 07
(posted in D/Separation also)
my family and friends don't know about the A or OC. I'm keeping a lid on it until I/We can figure things out for ourselves. My mom would act the same way that you describe your mom acting. With the exception of one aunt, I have distanced myself from the fam until I can work it out. Well meaning family often causes more harm than good.
But it just really bugs the shit out of me that some OW with OC feel like they are the ones who are somehow being wronged if the MM choses to stay with his BS/COM and have NC with OW/OC.
If they had wanted "happily ever after" they shouldn't have hooked up with a MM.
This is NOT directed to those OW who had no idea the man was married.
My OW feels that she has been wronged and just can't cope with us being together - Pleassssseeee give me a break.
"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey
"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu
I am glad that it sounds like you are standing up for yourself and letting your H know what YOUR needs are in this whole mess.
It is really hard to R in a situation like this. For us it is a bit easier cause my H chose NC with OC so we don't worry about visitation and such. As far as CS court hearings and the like I told my H if he had to be anywhere near OW I was going to be there too and lucky for him, he didn't argue with me. Also any information that needs to be given to H about OC goes through me. I don't really enjoy any communication with OW, but I would rather it was me talking to her not him. I used to worry CONSTANTLY that H was contacting OW or that she was calling him at work, but as time when by and he was accountable for his whereabouts at all times the worry just kind of subsided. But what it boils down to is your H has to be the one to R and do what you ask, you can't keep tabs on him all the time.
It's good to have you back. Best of luck
We were just told by a friend who is an atty (not a family law atty) who is ALSO a friend of the OW (OK, he's now an ex-friend of mine, if the whole truth be told) that because WS has been NC w/OW, she does not "have" to name him on the birth certificate, that she can keep him away from the baby, and that the court will do nothing about it.
This atty/buddy is encouraging WS to make contact w/OW to avoid this all and work it out. The OW has told the atty that if he'll just contact her, she'll be happy to have him as part of the baby's life. I am obviously not in favor of this, and want it all worked out thru the courts.
Can she really keep him from his child unless he does this her way??
If you guys are going to have contact with the oc and he is afraid that becaue he is not having contact with the child at first he won't be able to see the child that is not necessarly true. Depends on the time span he goes and at the very least there would be supervised visation.
You guys need to see an attrney who is not a friend.
If she puts off requesting a dna test just to prove her point then have your husband request it if you guys want contact.
You need to seek legal advise and I'd do it soone than later as Aug is around the corner. Then you guys can make some better planned out decissions.
I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.
For those new and old...R is possible in a sad painful way, but it will always hurt. H can be perfect, and he works his butt off to make up for it, but damn...it will always hurt! So for any former WS reading this...remember this and take it to heart...IT WILL HURT FOREVER.
I realize now that a lot of the hurt and pain is not just b/c of the disgusting act that happened carelessly one night many years ago...but I mourn. I mourn for the lost opportunity to have had his 1st born son. I mourn b/c those 1st time 'father and son experiences' won't be with my son, b/c he is only 8 months and OC is 2.5 yrs. It breaks my heart as H wants to take OC camping and enroll OC in soccer.
I am not a better person because of what he has done...and now this is the life I have chosen...for that...I mourn.
Sorry...having a bad day. :(
Each state is different, but in the state where my H CS case was handled(not in NY) once paternity was established through DNA testing the courts put my H name on the birth certificate whether OW wanted it or not. Also my H is NC, but a few years back we got a high amount of doctor bills for OC and we thought it odd. So my H contacted the doctor and we were sent a copy of OC medical record, cause as the biological father H had every right to the records.
All of this was done without any contact with OW. So I would make sure everything is handled through the courts so your H has his rights and OW can't prevent him from doing anything. It sounds to me like the OW in your situation is just trying to do things to scare your H into contacting her.
First I guess I'd think about the birth--that's one time H can see OC (after the birth without him present ideally) in a public place, not alone with OW (except in a hospital room which isn't really very private). Unless your H wants to delay visiting til the DNA is done, which will take some time.
After that, I can't imagine how to do it. I know in our case, OW and OC are continents away, and we have sporadic contact, and it works cuz H picks up OC in a public place and we visit for the day for a few days. I don't know much about the military--does drilling involve being busy all the time? Do H and OW "drill" on the same weekend? Would there be time for them to be "together"?
I guess the only route is mucho negotiation with your H--many, many phone calls to each other during the visit--I don't know, web-cams? It'll be sooo hard--but if she is normally that far away, it might not be as bad as if she were in town.
I'm sorry for your sitch--you said he was done in June--that's not so far away--will any of the rules change then?
Work on your R as much as you can, and set up boundaries you can tolerate. Trouble with a real live kid is that the situation changes so rapidly as they grow--it's always a work in progress.
OW in my case told some friends that she was offended when H had asked for a paternity test. It was a drunk ONS...what man on earth wouldn't ask for a paternity test. Then she also made some comment about H not being there for the birth. Hello foolio!! You never told him you got knocked up!! OC was 8 months old when H got paternity papers. I will never understand what these women are thinking.
I have met quite a few oc adults. Some are just fine with no oc problems (no ones life is perfect) I 've met some who have some real issues with it.
I can only speak for me as to why I had my child without her father in her life.