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User Topic: Other Child Support Thread II
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dream, My 2 oldest children know about OC, but we live 2500 miles away so they never see her. They were very hurt and angry at thier father when he told them about her. We chose to tell them when they over heard us mention her name when he and I discussed CS issues and started to question who she was. They have accepted what happened and the fact that they have a 1/2 sister, but they don't ask about her or ask to see her or anything. We haven't yet told our 5 year old about her and our older kids haven't told him about her, we plan to tell him soon. We also looked at it as children are quicker to accept and forgive when they are younger, we didn't want them to find out when they were older and resent us for hiding it from them.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dream, I'll answer too--similar to auntcis, I didn't want to give up the life I had--H and I had 29 years invested in our M, 3 wonderful adult kids, and H was remorseful and insistent that he wanted to do the work to rebuild our marriage. I'm stubborn also, and although I knew I could support myself and all that, I knew I'd be just as wrecked and unhappy alone when I found out as I'd be with him. And time has helped.

Now, almost 3 years after d-day, what we have is what I want now. Accepting the whole mess happened, accepting the bad times when we have negotiations over visitation or whatever, and looking at our everyday lives now as pretty good, I'd say it was worth it to me. That decision is different for everyone--but this M is right for me right now.

Not to say that I still don't have down times, times of total disbelief that this is my life now, times when I'm convinced that H has some ulterior motive for staying with me, or times when I still wonder if another shoe will drop. But time helps me see that it's often my paranoia--and my ever present sadness that our R wasn't enough for whatever reason--but those feelings would be inside me alone or with H, so here I am and surviving contentedly, if not gloriously happy.

It's repeated endlessly, but work on yourself, do what helps you survive, insist on whatever boundaries you need, and keep posting.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
monkeybiz
♀ Member
Member # 15072
Helpless  Posted: 3:28 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has your WS's A caused a rift in your relationship with your own family?

I know my mom means no harm, but the things she says are at times very hurtful. I've never been very open with my feelings, and I'd rather not share with her all the details of my relationship with my H. i've been staying with her for the past 5 months, but I can't take it much longer. she says if I D my WH, we can move in semi-permanantly and she can watch the kids... is it crazy that somehow I say to myself "no way" to such a sweet offer?!


me, BW - 38yr old former sahm
WH - 38 year old deadbead dad
married May 05
DD born July 06
DS born March 08
left him Dec 07
filed for D Oct 08

OW since Dec? 04
D-day May 07
OC borm July 07


Posts: 134 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: N Cal
monkeybiz
♀ Member
Member # 15072
Default  Posted: 3:37 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

anyone familiar with dissipation of marital assets other than the spouse hiding/spending money during the D proceedings? wondering if anyone has been successful at recouping funds WS spent for the OW/OC or anything else for that matter.

(posted in D/Separation also)


me, BW - 38yr old former sahm
WH - 38 year old deadbead dad
married May 05
DD born July 06
DS born March 08
left him Dec 07
filed for D Oct 08

OW since Dec? 04
D-day May 07
OC borm July 07


Posts: 134 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: N Cal
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

monkeybiz,I have been very lucky in this whole mess. My family and friends have been very supportive all along. They were angry with my H obviously, but they all figured if I could forgive him who are they to stand in judgement and not forgive.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
doistay2008
♀ Member
Member # 18898
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

monkeybiz,

my family and friends don't know about the A or OC. I'm keeping a lid on it until I/We can figure things out for ourselves. My mom would act the same way that you describe your mom acting. With the exception of one aunt, I have distanced myself from the fam until I can work it out. Well meaning family often causes more harm than good.


Me: 30
Him: 30
Married 2 years/
Togetherish 8
OC: born feb 08
No COM

Posts: 210 | Registered: Mar 2008
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just something I had to get off my chest, sorry if this offends anyone.

But it just really bugs the shit out of me that some OW with OC feel like they are the ones who are somehow being wronged if the MM choses to stay with his BS/COM and have NC with OW/OC.

If they had wanted "happily ever after" they shouldn't have hooked up with a MM.

This is NOT directed to those OW who had no idea the man was married.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
SadMommie
♀ Member
Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second that!!!!

My OW feels that she has been wronged and just can't cope with us being together - Pleassssseeee give me a break.


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
dust to dust
♀ Member
Member # 12583
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok I haven't posted in a while. But my h confessed to sleeping with ow in sept 06, then I got pregnant then she got pregnant and for a two years he lied about the paternity. Then april 1st of this year, he confessed and told me that he had been seeing her off and on since two weeks post dday 1. The child is his. I left him that day and he went to live with her for two weeks. He was miserable and begged for me to take him back. So we are still d just so I can cover myself, but we are working on R too. I told him he was to have NC with her whatsoever and if I found any shred of evidence that he has contacted her then it was it. Its hard because I am three hours away from him and can't monitor him in person. He doesn't have a cell phone, so most of the time he has to wait the whole day until his mom comes home for him to use the phone. We have gotten into several fights about that. LIke just yesterday we fought about how he didn't call all day and he was with his friends.
Anyways, the point to my post is this. For those who decided to R after finding out about the OC, how did you do it? How did you do it to where you knew that your spouse and the op did not talk at all? I know that my h has to have minimal contact with her because of the oc, but I just want it to where I won't be paranoid all the time. Its one thing if they talk in court about COURT issues. But its another thing if they act buddy buddy. My h doesn't have a cell phone, but when he gets one he says he won't let her have his number. I find that kind of hard to believe because in the end she will have to have his number for emergency purposes. I don't want her to though. I told h that if she needed to contact anyone she can call my cell phone. I told him that he needed to put down my cell phone as his contact information. I would rather be the one to handle talking with her than to have any one else do it.
So how did you all cope with visitations, court hearings, and cs hearings all while trying to R? How did you cope with the "what if he is talking to her behind my back and is just using the oc as a cover up?" scenarios? I think about that all the time. Another thing that concerns me is the fact that during holidays I will be coming home to my parents and won't be able to watch him during those times. I know during holidays ow will want h there to see oc, but I don't want him going alone. I told h that I would be willing, on each visitation, to pick the oc up and drop him off that way h won't have to be there. Its just the times where I can't go that are bothering me. Sometimes I just wish he would sign his rights over, but he doesn't want to do that and you can't force someone to do something they don't want. That and deep down I know its not fair to the oc either. I hate this and don't really know how to handle this situation.


dday 1- september 06, he was having a three month affair.
dday2- april 1st 2008, six months after oc was born, h finally came clean about everything.
Present day- trying to R again.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: florida
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dust,glad to see you back. I have been thinking about you and wondering how you are doing.

I am glad that it sounds like you are standing up for yourself and letting your H know what YOUR needs are in this whole mess.

It is really hard to R in a situation like this. For us it is a bit easier cause my H chose NC with OC so we don't worry about visitation and such. As far as CS court hearings and the like I told my H if he had to be anywhere near OW I was going to be there too and lucky for him, he didn't argue with me. Also any information that needs to be given to H about OC goes through me. I don't really enjoy any communication with OW, but I would rather it was me talking to her not him. I used to worry CONSTANTLY that H was contacting OW or that she was calling him at work, but as time when by and he was accountable for his whereabouts at all times the worry just kind of subsided. But what it boils down to is your H has to be the one to R and do what you ask, you can't keep tabs on him all the time.

It's good to have you back. Best of luck


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
MollyJo
♀ Member
Member # 18820
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need some advice re: my WS's rights in regards to the OC when in NC.

We were just told by a friend who is an atty (not a family law atty) who is ALSO a friend of the OW (OK, he's now an ex-friend of mine, if the whole truth be told) that because WS has been NC w/OW, she does not "have" to name him on the birth certificate, that she can keep him away from the baby, and that the court will do nothing about it.

This atty/buddy is encouraging WS to make contact w/OW to avoid this all and work it out. The OW has told the atty that if he'll just contact her, she'll be happy to have him as part of the baby's life. I am obviously not in favor of this, and want it all worked out thru the courts.

Can she really keep him from his child unless he does this her way??


Me: BS Him: SOB OC born 9/08. We've split up but I still see him every day and the OW occasionally. Lost my whole life because he couldn't keep it in his pants.

Posts: 219 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: midwest
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MJ: frankly until papers are served he does not have to contact her in any way shape or form. Nadda.

If you guys are going to have contact with the oc and he is afraid that becaue he is not having contact with the child at first he won't be able to see the child that is not necessarly true. Depends on the time span he goes and at the very least there would be supervised visation.

You guys need to see an attrney who is not a friend.

If she puts off requesting a dna test just to prove her point then have your husband request it if you guys want contact.

You need to seek legal advise and I'd do it soone than later as Aug is around the corner. Then you guys can make some better planned out decissions.


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
crazedNconfused
Member
Member # 11075
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dust..it doesn't ever get easier, and even tho OW in my case was a ONS and someone my H would never had touched had he been sober and esp not a person he would have EVER wanted to have a child with..it doesn't matter, it is all still hard. We dont know her, and we dont care to get to know her. It's not about the her its about the OC, but it all still sucks cuz OC shouldn't have ever been concieved. It's been 2yrs, we pick up OC every other week and it is still hard as hell. I have my own son now who is my entire world. I know that when I decided to stay in this M, I was accepting OC in my/our life, but since my son was born, I can't even pretend that my feelings towards my step-son is half of that for my own child. And of course H will never openly admit it, but i know its the same for him too.

For those new and old...R is possible in a sad painful way, but it will always hurt. H can be perfect, and he works his butt off to make up for it, but damn...it will always hurt! So for any former WS reading this...remember this and take it to heart...IT WILL HURT FOREVER.

I realize now that a lot of the hurt and pain is not just b/c of the disgusting act that happened carelessly one night many years ago...but I mourn. I mourn for the lost opportunity to have had his 1st born son. I mourn b/c those 1st time 'father and son experiences' won't be with my son, b/c he is only 8 months and OC is 2.5 yrs. It breaks my heart as H wants to take OC camping and enroll OC in soccer.

I am not a better person because of what he has done...and now this is the life I have chosen...for that...I mourn.

Sorry...having a bad day. :(


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Texas
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MollyJo

Each state is different, but in the state where my H CS case was handled(not in NY) once paternity was established through DNA testing the courts put my H name on the birth certificate whether OW wanted it or not. Also my H is NC, but a few years back we got a high amount of doctor bills for OC and we thought it odd. So my H contacted the doctor and we were sent a copy of OC medical record, cause as the biological father H had every right to the records.

All of this was done without any contact with OW. So I would make sure everything is handled through the courts so your H has his rights and OW can't prevent him from doing anything. It sounds to me like the OW in your situation is just trying to do things to scare your H into contacting her.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
life_will_go_on
♀ New Member
Member # 18042
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been in the background reading this post for some time. Today I need to ask for some advice. The OC is due to be born in a week or two. He as decided that after paternity is confirmed he does want to have some contact with the child. I think I'm ok with that. It's really too early to tell. The problem is this...they are in the military together. The weekends that he would see the child would be his drill weekends. He drills 350 miles from home. I told him that I would have to be with him when they exchange the child, but after thinking about it, that may not be possible. Because we are not married, access to the Military base is limited for me. She lives on that base. I'm afraid she'll try to see him and spend time as what she likes to call "a family" when I can't be there. Another problem with this plan is that I'd need to take vacation from work to go with him. I really don't like the idea of using up all of my vacation on this situation. I'd much rather spend it with my real, first family. Any suggestions on how to handle this one?


ME: 42
WSO: 41
Not Married, but together 13yrs.
D-Day: 12/10/07 (yeah merry x-mas to you too)
4 children (3 mine, 1 ours)20, 17, 14, 6
1 year Military Deployment Affair
Attempting Reconcilliation



Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Wisconsin
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

life, that's a really tough situation you have. We all know the ideal is very limited C with OW, and BS involvement in visitations. But it sounds like that isn't really possible for you.

First I guess I'd think about the birth--that's one time H can see OC (after the birth without him present ideally) in a public place, not alone with OW (except in a hospital room which isn't really very private). Unless your H wants to delay visiting til the DNA is done, which will take some time.

After that, I can't imagine how to do it. I know in our case, OW and OC are continents away, and we have sporadic contact, and it works cuz H picks up OC in a public place and we visit for the day for a few days. I don't know much about the military--does drilling involve being busy all the time? Do H and OW "drill" on the same weekend? Would there be time for them to be "together"?

I guess the only route is mucho negotiation with your H--many, many phone calls to each other during the visit--I don't know, web-cams? It'll be sooo hard--but if she is normally that far away, it might not be as bad as if she were in town.

I'm sorry for your sitch--you said he was done in June--that's not so far away--will any of the rules change then?

Work on your R as much as you can, and set up boundaries you can tolerate. Trouble with a real live kid is that the situation changes so rapidly as they grow--it's always a work in progress.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
dream
♀ New Member
Member # 19469
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok so I have to vent. My H and I are still separated (since Jan)but discussing R. If we end up in R then he has said he does not want contact with OW/OC. Currently he has no contact with the OW outside of work. They work together. She will be laid off soon. YIPEEEEEEE!!!! She had asked my H to come to her dr appts, paint baby's room, help with her registry etc. My H asked me how I felt about this and I told him absoutely no way is he to be invoved with her. Yesterday, I was searching baby registry's on line to see if the OW had registered. She had and she put my H's name as the father on the baby registry!!! I was so pissed off!!! I couldn't get ahold of my H so I called OW. I was respectful and polite. I asked her why my H's name was on the registry. She said well he's the father. I said he "may" be the father, but he is my H and a married man's name does not belong on a registry of someone who is not his wife. She told me that she registered on her own without my H, that my H didn't know his name was on the registry. She put his name on get for get this....so his family could buy the baby gifts. Why the hell would my H's family do such a thing. She's got rocks for a brain! My H was so mad that his name was on the registry. He told her to take it off. As of today she removed his name from one of the registry's. I'll continue to look to make sure his name is removed and stays removed until OC is born. I'm so happy to see that my H has taken a united front with me as he should.


Me, BS 37
Him, WH 39
Married: 13 1/2 yrs.
Two beautiful little girls, 7 and 5
D-Day: Jan 4, 2008
OC: Due to be born Aug 08

Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2008
crazedNconfused
Member
Member # 11075
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dream...funny story indeed! and a little victory for you! i guess like most OW, she has to at least try to live her little fantasy of a "happy" nuclear family. one with a mommy and daddy...these woman really are idiots aren't they?! they don't realize how they are deliberately hurting their children. i know that kids become torn through divorces all the time and it is a tragic experience for them. but i really do wonder what the long term repercutions are for these OCs. I know that in the pass a few OCs have posted on this site and they have expressed their pain. Poor kids, I can't imagine it feeling too good knowing that they were conceived out of a dirty drunk ONS.

OW in my case told some friends that she was offended when H had asked for a paternity test. It was a drunk ONS...what man on earth wouldn't ask for a paternity test. Then she also made some comment about H not being there for the birth. Hello foolio!! You never told him you got knocked up!! OC was 8 months old when H got paternity papers. I will never understand what these women are thinking.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Texas
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Respectfully if You girls would like to know......I'd be more than happy to share. How I could bring my daughter into this world.

I have met quite a few oc adults. Some are just fine with no oc problems (no ones life is perfect) I 've met some who have some real issues with it.

I can only speak for me as to why I had my child without her father in her life.


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
bigheart9
♀ Member
Member # 19567
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All, I need some help...I know I could probably find some answers in thread one but I don't have the patience right now to look thru them...sorry.
OW is claiming to be pregnant...here's what I know.
Claim to find out about pregnancy by going to ER with pain in side and they did u/s. Also said took pregnancy test though. OW Doesn't remember exactly when last time they had sex was, told my husband due date is 11/21. Last time they had sex was 2/12. Sent us pic of u/s via email with no identifying info on it and it was just one pic. Had pic looked at by u/s tech who says no later than 8-9 week baby when she should've been 11-12 when she claimed she had it done. My H was supposed to meet her to go to dr appt but when he showed up dr appt was mysteriously canceled. She claimed to have gone in later that day to give blood and heard heart beat at 168. None of it adds up and I'm about 90% sure she's lying. My problem is, now what??? My husband has not communicated with her since last Friday as I told him not to. She's tried contacting him on Tuesday and Wednesday and is still claiming to be pregnant and is asking him if he wants to be a part of it because she says she can do it on her own. She told him she has another dr appt June 12th so I know something has to happen btwn now and then but I don't know if I can wait that long. I just don't know how to handle this situation as since I already think this lady is wacko for sleeping with a married man and then claiming to be pregnant who knows what she'll do if we really piss her off. Any suggestions for getting to the bottom of this?

Posts: 126 | Registered: May 2008
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