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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Setting Healthy Boundaries
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1908 | Registered: Nov 2010
Llanden
♀ Member
Member # 10402
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumpity


"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
“Who makes everything we experience happen? You. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!” Sweat Pea from Sucker Punch
BS 35
DD's 14, 7 and 5

Posts: 567 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: New York
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, August 24th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For (((exhaustedmum)))


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1908 | Registered: Nov 2010
Cee64D
♂ Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, August 25th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, September 8th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25680 | Registered: Aug 2011
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, September 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1908 | Registered: Nov 2010
Will-I-Ever-Know
♀ Member
Member # 32703
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, September 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Me BS:21
Him F?WH:23
OW:34!!??
DDay #1 June 2010
Full blown 6 month long PA: OW was his 2nd Girlfriend.
Many DDays & TT for the rest of this year!
In R, Married on June 25th, 2011.

WARNING: I am long-winded. Sorry in advance. :)


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jul 2011
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, September 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

adbat234


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1908 | Registered: Nov 2010
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, September 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this post. It gives me some of the direction I needed to move forward. Amazing legs this post has (2 years)


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1131 | Registered: Jul 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, September 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping this thread because I refer to it in a thread about my story. I cannot thank you enough for this, it made making my boundaries very clear without totally alienating him.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1484 | Registered: Jun 2011
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, October 2nd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4509 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
bufffalo
♂ Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, October 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5827 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, October 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


FBS-Me, 61
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 25 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4891 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, November 5th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1908 | Registered: Nov 2010
bufffalo
♂ Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5827 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, November 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump

Posts: 7589 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, November 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bumping


FBS-Me, 61
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 25 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4891 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
Lost and Betraye
Member
Member # 33988
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, November 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

for us newbies


Me=BS 50; Him=WS 46; Dday 11/10/11
Married 13 years; together 20
Kids: DD11;(2) grown boys/men from my previous marriage to a WS
Status: Divorcing

"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post" L Thomas Holdcroft


Posts: 317 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: CA
bufffalo
♂ Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, December 6th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5827 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
blinders_off
Member
Member # 34109
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, December 7th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question about boundaries.

The formulation "When you [insert unacceptable behavior] I feel [bad feeling]..."

Whenever I have used this to set a boundary with my FSO I get the perfectly deflective 'Don't put your feelings on me. No one can *make* you feel anything. If you feel that way, it's your choice."

I also get "Do you want to have a present-based relationship or are you determined to live in/wallow in the past? Your choice, but I guess I'm more interested in now."

The first response is very confusing because it dovetails with that new age/12-step idea of accountability for one's own feelings and reactions. So it sounds like a mature response. But what it does is shut down any avenue for expressing that things like contemptuous put-downs or lies of omission or other relationship-sapping behavior actually have an emotional-physical effect on me. If I let them get to me, that's *my* issue and has nothing to do with him.

And then I feel utterly outfoxed and voiceless.

The second response is also new age/spiritually sanctioned: don't hold on to grudges; all we have is this present moment. And in my relationship it was like a trump card (you: held back by the past; me: present-based and more alive).

But in practical application, it was used to rugsweep and set the "reset" button. Why was I carping on about that thing from yesterday and refusing this lovely time on offer now?

I found that very seductive, and then would enable boundary-crossing behavior. We're talking stuff like rage attacks, gaslighting...

For example, a common thing was we would be headed out for a social evening, and right before we left he would say or do something mean that then destabilized me and made it impossible to enjoy the evening. Then he would point out that I never seem to enjoy myself and this ruined his evening. If I tried to say, "You said/did this cruel thing out of left field," he would calmly tell me either I needed to live in the past or that I enjoyed feeling like a victim and don't put my sour-faced inability to socialize on him.

Or say I tried, several hours after some bad behavior, to say, "I'd really like to talk about what happened..." He would say, "Are you on that still?"

I would end up confused and feeling like I was carping and negative. I would never get to the consequences part of boundary setting, because the consequences to *me* for even bringing up the upsetting incident were too high. Complete shutdown or even more nasty digs.

Any thoughts?



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Topic Posts: 164
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