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My WW works in retail. One of the accounts that her company has is that of the company that OM works at. He (every so often) goes to WW's store to pick up certain items for his work. Now, my WW has stated that she has made arrangements with her co-workers so that they will deal with him when he comes to the store...(I don't think that is good enough, and I think a NC letter should be done...not sure if she will go through with writing it or not). Anyway...OM isn't the only problem.

My WW, in the past, has had some (what I thought was innocent at the time, but not anymore) conversation on facebook (and, in person...I would imagine) of a sexual nature with OM's boss. If you have ever been on Facebook you will know what I'm talking about here.....WW and OM's boss (on their "how do you know each other" part of their personal info pages) had written...."used to date in 1969(obvious sexual flirtation), blah, blah, blah..... Also, he had a picture of himself sitting on the beach with his shirt off on his profile, and WW had written "PORNSTAR" in the comments section.

Now, it may have been innocent for her, but every man in this f@cking world with a penis knows that it wasn't for him (and, I've explained that to her...before she wrote the "PORNSTAR" thing on his picture, BTW).

Obviously this is a bigger situation than OM now. Boss already had the notion before that WW is sexually flirtatious. Now, gauranteed OM has filled boss in on all of the details of his disgusting, hotel room romp with my WW .

Am I out of line for demanding that the NC letter (if she will do it) includes NC with boss, as well. At no point do I consider this guy a threat (said that before about greasy, trailer trash boy too, though), but her relationship with boss is now (if it wasn't before) innapropriate. Especially since he now knows that my WW is f#cking his employee.

edit : I say "f#cking his employee", not because she still is....but, because this is what boss is thinking....remember, he has a penis.

What should I do? Anyone?

[This message edited by Hurtnhumiliated at 9:53 AM, May 9th (Friday)]

How important is her job to your financial well being? Is she in an upper management or higher paying position or just a low paid employee?

If my H was having an affair with a co-worker I'd be demanding he find a new job.

Problem is...she likes her job (it pays pretty good...not that it matters to me...I'd rather be able to scrounge up any dignity I have left and be living in a cardboard box at the momment). And, she isn't "co-workers" with them...just a "vendor/client" business model with them.

I'd make her find a new job. It doesn't sound like she can be trusted to set boundries with these men.

My WW has that same problem. She doesn't know where to set boundries. She is too 'nice' to men or too flirtatious.

I don't want to "make her" do anything though. I just wish she would have listened to me when I opposed to her flirting with this guy in a sexual manner....but, she didn't. Don't know how to react now.

H&H,

Unless or until she gets out of this flirt/ chase/ conquer mindset with new guys....there will always be another potential OM.

SHE must decide that YOU are all she needs, or the future is grim.

My friend, there are certain items of clothing my FWW is no longer allowed to wear if we go out.

I used to like it when she looked hot....but affairs send a lot of ripples through the pond.

Flirting with other men? Things would get pretty ugly in a hurry.

No Contact ,or in your case an NC letter would be a stout condition for recon, and I wouldn't personally bother if she bristled at the mention of it.

HnH,

That's a very reasonable boundary considering the situation that your marriage is in. Please take a look through this article on boundary setting.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231851

"That's a very reasonable boundary considering the situation that your marriage is in. Please take a look through this article on boundary setting. "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231851

Very good read...thanks. I'll start working on a letter to my WW right now with my boundaries on it.

[This message edited by Hurtnhumiliated at 12:55 PM, May 9th (Friday)]

H&H, does your wife even realize what she has done is very, very, very wrong or does she think its not really so bad.

Until she gets her head out of her fog, she will think oh well, it wasnt that bad.

Is she even sorry.

Number 1: There is NO reason in this world you should have to put up with wondering, guessing and worryting what she is doing at this job every day.

She needs to quit that job and that industry/retail/ whatever right now !

She likes her job, OH WELL, she shouldnt have dont this than.

Has she been very honest with you about everything, doesnt sound like it yet.

You dont want to make her do anything, she NEEDS to quit that job right now. And, I can understand a OM co-worker, but a boss also, a boss would make me more then mad.

I would deal with him as well.

Your wife needs to quit her job right now, otherwise there cant really be much trust.

She says she has told other co-workers to deal with the OM.

And you believe this ?

I wouldnt.

She needs to quit this job right now, she needs to learn to be responable right now.

She needs to learn why she has been this way, and with woman, there is many times a deep seated reason from her past.

Too nice with men, my wife was like that, friendly etc, and of course 95% of men take that the wrong way.

Thats where the boundaries come in.

A good book your wife needs to read is called Not Just Friends by Shirly Glass

You dont want to make her do anything, she NEEDS to quit that job right now. And, I can understand a OM co-worker, but a boss also, a boss would make me more then mad.

OM isn't WW's co-worker...he is a customer that comes into the store once and a while...it is OM's boss that has the account at WW's store...and OM's boss that she was flirting with before the PA between WW and OM happened.

Trust me. If she worked with OM and was flirting sexually with her boss....we'd be divorced already.

[This message edited by Hurtnhumiliated at 2:24 PM, May 9th (Friday)]

She says she has told other co-workers to deal with the OM.

And you believe this ?

I wouldnt.

No, I don't believe this. And, I've asked her to write a NC letter. She said she'd do it "but, I don't see the point" she says. I guess we'll see if she wants R or not when/if she writes the letter.

I see, still a customer is just as bad, in fact maybe worse.

Customer comes and goes, and is not really accountable to working there.

She needs to quit her job. No reason for you to have to wonder and worry every day.

Since I think anyway, she hasnt rebuilt any trust at all here.

I went through this customer stuff before.

Craig

I honestly think that she would quit her job. Problem is (and, I'm part of it)...is that I haven't dedicated myself completely to R yet, and I don't know if I am strong enough to try to R. I guess the fact that she is still in the house (and, in my bed) means that I am trying to R...but, she needs to hear it from me...and i'm not willing to tell her yet. If she knew that I was going to try to R with her...I think she would probably find another job.

No contact means no contact

It really doesn't matter if they work for different companies. The fact that it could potentially happen again at her job puts your marriage DIRECTLY in harm's way...

I hear her rationalizations, but in a time of building back trust, this is just not acceptable. She needs to quit this job and deep down you both know it...

Time to start doing what is best for the marriage or time to move on

Hurtnhumiliated- One of my H's affairs was with a class mate. Luckily, she's graduating next week or I would be demanding my H transfer to a completely different campus. Even if they weren't in anymore classes together, I wouldn't want to run the risk of them running into each other coming and going from class.

I really think this is a similar situation.

My SIL had an affair with a co-worker for the greater part of last year. My brother doesn't want to give her income so he set no boundaries with her and the co-worker other than telling her to stay clear. Personally, I think he's nuts! And I also think she should have been willing to find a new job to get away from the OM but she "loves her job" too. That simply wouldn't fly with me.

If the WS is remorseful and are truly interested and fixing their marriage, leaving their jobs (especially when it's a second income) if the BS would be more comfortable with that than it should be a no-brainer. In fact, they should do it without being asked! JMO FWIW

I'm not so sure that it matters where she works, she has obvious boundry issues.

She could quit this job, but end up right back into another triangle, anywhere she goes.

You might suggest/ encourage her to be unemployed for awhile why she "works on herself".

My WF quit his job with OW right away after telling me about A. We talked about him staying and just being civil. But I would never trust that, you could so easily creep into that inappropriate relationship when your around someone like that.

My WH had an A with a co-worker. When we discussed reconciliation, we also discussed us both quitting our jobs and focusing on "us" for the next 6 months, living off our savings and then finding new jobs in 6 months time. It would have turned our lives upside down, but in my head we needed to prioritize all energy/effort into figuring out our marriage. also my H hated his job, so this would give him a "carrot" to start over career wise AND for me it would make NC reality. (At his work, the OW and him had to interact given the nature of their job roles). So I wanted him to end it with her. IN my mind that meant quitting his job. His response when I offered this as an idea....."I can't quit my job, it is all I have."

Hmmm......that made me feel real good......if i had to choose between not working, living in a shack or my car to save my marriage, I would have. So clearly his response was an indicator of how despartely he wanted to focus on our M.

H&H, is the affair(s) over with now,

Because what one poster here just said is so very true,

Just because they quit their job doesnt mean that cant continue the affair, I think that happens a lot.

An affair is like a stomach ache, its over when its over and done with, no matter where anyone works.

But for numerous reasons, she should quit that job.

And things need to be discussed with total honesty.

If she can be truly and totally honesty well then you can start trusting her.

And she needs to figure out the real reasons she did this, no goofy reasons like you werent paying enough attention to her.