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User Topic: Understanding the 180
SerJR
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Member # 14993
Target  Posted: 11:53 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 180 is often open to mis-interpretation. It is pretty easy to get lost in the details and lose sight of the underlying concept.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Fundamentally, it is all about personal empowerment and rebuilding your self esteem. It is not about manipulating your spouse and when this is not understood it interferes with the results. The goal of the 180 is to become the type of person that you want to be. Here's what I understand to be the fundamental basis for it:

1) Master your thoughts.

Ultimately, you determine what thoughts you give attention to and those thoughts will set into motion the dynamics that will affect you. If you tend to focus on the negative you increase the probability that you will become your own worst enemy. It is important to realise how your thoughts create your expectations of the future. By increasing your positive focus you will increase the chances of bringing in positive energy to your life. This does not mean that you’re being unrealistic or naive. It simply means that you are choosing to focus your thoughts and energy on success instead of failure and on the good parts of your life instead of the bad. You want to cultivate the thoughts that you want to have through positive affirmation.

2) Adjust your attitude.

Our attitudes determine our thoughts which translate into intentions which leads to actions. We can be very realistic about the challenges we face, but still form the inner resolve to focus on our belief that we can overcome obstacles and bounce back from adversity. To do so takes belief and patience with ourselves, sustained motivation and energy, accepting our personal responsibility, and willingness to perservere. If your attitude is peaceful and positive then you are in the best position to have the focus and energy available to find solutions. Grace under pressure displays your courage and fortitude even when you are fearful and anxious.

3) Practice acceptance.

Acceptance is something to do for yourself when you are ready to let go of the anger. When we can't accept the situation, we have less energy to spend on the present because we are holding on to bitterness about the past. Acceptance does not mean condoning what has been done or passively enduring mistreatment. It means that you are ready to move forward unencumbered by bitterness or anger.

4) Look for the lesson.

Experiences can lead us to new growth, understanding, and maturity. It is important for us to examine and redefine these experiences to be able to discover and access our hidden strengths and resources that we didn't know we have and learn about ourselves.

5) Continue to nurture yourself.

Make a commitment to continue to nurture yourself so that your energy and vitality will remain high. You are not being selfish to honour your needs, but are providing new growth and fresh perspective.

6) Examine your character.

As humans we all have strengths and weaknesses. It is important to be able to do an honest self appraisal so that we can be real about ourselves. We are all responsible for our character, qualities, and actions and for the effects that they have. As conscious beings, we are also able to acquire those qualities that we desire and it is up to us to use them beneficiently.

So there you have it. My personal understanding of the conceptual basis of the 180. The above represents a strategy to take with our lives, and the 180 list provides us with the tactics. Keep the strategy and end goal in mind at all times and alter the tactics as necessary.

------------------------------------

Self Care Tips:

1) Whatever you focus your mind on becomes real, eventually taking over your awareness. Therefore we make efforts to “change our mind”: from pain over to relaxation; from guilt and blame to self-acceptance and gentleness; from fear of the future to being in the present. Accept yourself – treasure your idiosyncrasies and foibles. Remind yourself of your strengths, gifts and your proven loyalty to yourself over the years, on a daily basis.

2) Simplify: during more stressful and low energy times, keep life simple, attending to say 5 or so activities per day.

3) Keep occupied as much as possible – make a schedule with exercise in it, stay in contact with friends, make new acquaintances / friends, list things you can do. Know that to begin anything is often better than to think. So keep busy while waiting for something to happen.

4) Now is the only time there is. Don’t spend too much time dwelling on the negatives of the past or the perceived problems in the future. Likely these perceptions re past and future are false or distorted. Come back to the present constantly.

5) Keep one focus, not 4 or 5. Do one activity at a time, and engage in it, enjoy it – rather than becoming anxious re everything you have to do. (Keep lists so you can let go of outstanding things).

6) Make sure of good sleep habits, diet, and exercise.

7) Forgive yourself daily and relax. If unfinished activities pile up, it is not that you are slow, lazy or stupid. You are likely expecting too much at that particular moment. Stick to 2 or 3 priorities – shelve the rest.

8) Make use of thought-stopping. Order negative thoughts to go away or put them aside.

9) Stop once per day and ask yourself “What do I need right now. What can I do for myself today to help me.”

10) Don’t be a victim. Do things for yourself to feel effective and in control. Don’t give in to self-pity.

11) Remember what has worked for you in the past. Likely beneath all the doubts, fears, recriminations, and self-criticism that are swirling around your head, you hear a few faint and muffled words of your own good advice telling you what is good for you. This counsel may be barely audible, but listen carefully to it. You already have everything you need to be happy, including the wisdom you have developed over your life so far.

------------------------------

How the 180 applies to your WS:

The 180 isn't supposed to be a manipulation tactic magically designed to win your WS back - and when it's used that way it doesn't work. It's designed to help you become strong enough to detach and begin building a life without them. If you truly let go of your WS and move on - then (and probably only then) they might actually appreciate what they've lost. If you make empty threats, set boundaries you have no intention of defending, and only "pretend" to move on - your WS will continue to assume you aren't going anywhere. And they'll be right.

Your WS is probably accustomed to them being your main focus. By changing how you usually behave or respond you will change the outcome as they have nothing to draw upon to sustain control over the situation they're creating. When you don't behave in the way they expect, you don't feed their vision of what should be happening. Eventually, they'll have no choice but to see that things aren't the way they thought. Once it's clear that their established and trusted patterns won't work they'll have to decide on a better way of dealing with the reality they are creating. It helps knock them into the real world and offers them them opportunity to clarify what they really want to do. It may not necessarily mean that they will commit to the marriage, but it still helps you regain confidence in yourself and the personal empowerment that you need to make it through whatever your future holds. The 180 is about regaining your control through the chaos, pain, and drama. This isn't a game, this is your life. If you do the 180 for the purposes it was intended, you can't lose no matter the outcome. Focus on what you can control - yourself, your own choices, your own well being, your own life.

[This message edited by SerJR at 11:24 AM, July 19th (Sunday)]


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
hurtbuthealing
♂ Member
Member # 19274
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<bump>


Once you know, you can never go back...

Posts: 68 | Registered: Apr 2008
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Paper Roses
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Member # 19336
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well Ser,
That is a lot different from the behavioral things I was attempting to do. It is easier for me to understand from this perspective.

I think many of the expectations, such as self assessment and introspection are not so easy to do at first. I do believe I have been and will do them now.

I guess, as you said, do what you can and leave the rest!

For me, focusing on the positive doe NOT work, as I had idealized my husband all along. I find that reminding myself of what would be percieved as neg, like, telling myself, do not trust a word he says, is helpful.

Yes, he is a great guy, he loves peole, helps people etc, but he seems to have a cold heart, for me. Why? I can only guess, because he denies. So staying aware is what is helpful.

Thanks for the explain!


Me-50-FBW-
He-45-FWh- sober 4 years

Self-deception- is literally a matter of deceiving oneself- and thus raises unique questions.
How can one deceive himself-unless he already knows-what it is that he is deceiving himself about?


Posts: 623 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Los Angeles
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
lisaloo
♀ Member
Member # 20082
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again...Big Thanks SerJR!!! I guess I am doing better than I thought with the 180, since I only have time to focus on getting back to me right now!

Now if I could only get rid of the lingering fantasy where I shoot the breast implants off of the OW, things would be just right...


Me: 33 STBXH: 34 DD: 8
D Day (EA): 6-19-08
D Day #2 (SA): 7-5-10
D Day #3 (EA): 11-8-13
WH moved out: 11-18-13
Moved BACK IN (because the lawyer told him to): 11/29/13.
Filed for Divorce: 12-9-13
In house separation...fun, fun, fun.

Posts: 474 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: AL
princessbride
♀ Member
Member # 19972
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonderful perspective, thank you SerJR!


Almost done!

Posts: 468 | Registered: Jun 2008
shyguy
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Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you!


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
Chin Up!
♀ Member
Member # 20057
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SerJR, I've quickly learned to seek out your posts. Thanks for your insight and giving spirit.


Me - BS(44)
Him - WS (43)
D-Day #1 - June 20, 2008
D-Day #2 - July 02, 2008
Status - Who the hell knows?

*********************************

Grace under pressure is not just a saying - it's my minute-by-minute goal.


Posts: 130 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Mid-Atlantic
bbee
♀ Member
Member # 17840
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

All's Well That Ends Well, Act I, Scene 1


Posts: 6652 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: SE US
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Phill
♂ Member
Member # 19490
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post, SerJR, but I respectfully disagree with the definition of Acceptance, and Im curious to hear what you think of my particular slant on this, as I find your posts very insightful, well thought out and articulate.

3) Practice acceptance.

Acceptance is something to do for yourself when you are ready to let go of the anger. When we can't accept the situation, we have less energy to spend on the present because we are holding on to bitterness about the past. Acceptance does not mean condoning what has been done or passively enduring mistreatment. It means that you are ready to move forward unencumbered by bitterness or anger.

To me, merely accepting a situation does not take a person out of anger, or resentment, or bitterness. It does not override potential obsessions relating to the event either.

Acceptance simply means that we acknowledge that the event actually happened, in all its aspects. This can be positive, IF concurrent with acceptance, we have real forgiveness.

Simply accepting a situation can still indicate that we may (or may not) be extremely bitter and resentful and obsessional about the event.
Example: If my brother stole money from my house, after aquiring evidence that he was the culprit, I may accept that the event did occur with him as the 'perp', while still being very angry that my own brother would engage in such a grievous deception of another family member. In solely accepting that situation, Im merely not in denial of its occurance, but still wrapped up in my own anger (judgement) of his actions.

When I FORGIVE the situation, I have made the decision to release myself from judging my brothers actions as negative, instead becoming mindful that we all have a reason for doing anything, and though his reasoning may be faulted and dysfunctional, I DO love my brother, and therefore I pass along my non-judgemental self along to him, thereby forgiving him, because his position in my life dictates that he is worthy of such consideration.

If I no longer entertain the idea of casting judgement against his actions, I no longer engage in the emotional energy necessary to carry out the sentence usually reserved for someone that would offend me in that way. At that point, I have forgiven him, and THEN I truly move forward, unencumbered by anger, bitterness, resentment, or thoughts of revenge, which only serve to keep me in the offense.

IMO, to forgive, we MUST accept, but the two sentiments are linked only if we forgive... we cant forgive without acceptance, but we can accept without forgivness.

I welcome others opinions regarding this theory of acceptance/forgiveness.

Peace and strength to all.

[This message edited by Phill at 2:55 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 139 | Registered: May 2008 | From: East Coast
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Phill,

It's a fairly common topic that comes up here - Forgiveness vs. Acceptance. The reason for that is that they mean different things to different people.

To some forgiveness involves absolving the offender of the offense and releasing them from any obligation and blame - essentially seeing that person as if the offense had never occurred. It involves the offender asking to be forgiven and first demonstrating an awareness of how inconsiderate the act was and how much pain his or her spouse was made to suffer. It also involves the offender expressing some plan to assure the forgiver that steps have been taken to avoid the painful act in the future and that he or she is willing to make reasonable amends. Some see this as a transaction between two people.

This is where the definition of judgement comes in. The phrase "passing judgement" implies condemnation or approval of a person's choices and actions and holds us in the past. However, it is vital to "use our judgement" or objective reasoning to protect ourselves in the future from enduring mistreatment. Clearly, in the case of an unremorseful wayward spouse continuing to mistreat you to apply the above definition of forgiveness would a serious lapse in judgement.

So... in this case one works towards acceptance (in the sense that I used in the original post). This occurs when one recognises that the situation exists, realises that elements of it cannot be changed, but most importantly makes an effort to move on from there (which some don't include in their definition of acceptance). It implies that one may still use their judgement and learns from the past, but is not letting those negative emotions rule them by living in the past and is focusing on the future instead.

So, in answer to your question, it depends on how one defines those words for themselves. Neither one is more valid then the other, but the important point is the willingness to not be ruled by the past, even though we may have learned from it.

Fundamentally, I think this issue boils down to control. Whenever one is hurt, it is always from a lack of control in some aspect. When one realises that one cannot control the choices of others or the circumstances they will face, and only control their own personal choices and how they react to those circumstances, it fosters a positive, constructive, and realistic sense of personal empowerment and responsibility that allows one to move forward.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Phill
♂ Member
Member # 19490
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However, it is vital to "use our judgement" or objective reasoning to protect ourselves in the future from enduring mistreatment.

So... in this case one works towards acceptance (in the sense that I used in the original post). This occurs when one recognises that the situation exists, realises that elements of it cannot be changed, but most importantly makes an effort to move on from there (which some don't include in their definition of acceptance). It implies that one may still use their judgement and learns from the past, but is not letting those negative emotions rule them by living in the past and is focusing on the future instead.

"the important point is the willingness to not be ruled by the past, even though we may have learned from it".

Hey, SerJR...

Brilliant assessments, with which I wholeheartedly agree.


Posts: 139 | Registered: May 2008 | From: East Coast
wonderingbull
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Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5976 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
tmcm
♂ Member
Member # 8758
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem is getting the BS to implement it right after D-day because of his/her emotional wounds being so raw.


XBH: Me
XWW: First Wife

Posts: 406 | Registered: Nov 2005
dmb364041
♀ Member
Member # 19710
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. This was what I was doing when we first were S and then I started the behavoirs. To me, this was much more effective, not for him but for me. I have only been 180 for less than a week and that seems to be working now. First, I had to 180 your way before I could do the behaviors. It is a process.


Me (36) BW
Him FWH (37)
Status in R

DD 4, DD 2yr
D-Day 4-7-08
"Celebrate we will...cause life is short, but sweet for certain." DJM

Posts: 258 | Registered: May 2008
oldtimer97
♀ Member
Member # 2365
Default  Posted: 3:37 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


FWIW, because of brain damage, I write in storyteller form, so hardly any short posts from me & bad eyesight gives me a 50% edit rate..Apologies in advance!

Posts: 3244 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: Sunny Arizona
AFguy
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Member # 19822
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


BS Me 36
WS Her 35 Now XW!
Together 16yrs Married 8
No kids thank God, just great dogs.
D-Day 6/25/08 8:06pm.D 7/18/08
I'm way too damn good for her. She will really, really regret this one day.
People should come with warning lables.

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Alabama
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5976 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
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