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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Understanding the 180
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1909 | Registered: Nov 2010
Cee64D
♂ Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
bufffalo
♂ Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, March 5th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5828 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
hurts_alot
♂ New Member
Member # 31375
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for posting some more information about the 180 and how to use it. This is another post I would really like to see the mods sticky, because it would've helped me a lot this week as I've learned about the affair and trying to figure out how to take care of myself.

I have a few questions:

1. As mentioned in the first post, the reason for the 180 is it allows you to detach. However, my wife has said the reason our marriage hasn't been working is because I haven't been emotionally connected with her throughout our 12 years of marriage. If I do the 180, won't that make that divide even greater? Is there a way to detach, while staying emotionally connected?

2. I bought the book Divorce Busters, which is what the FAQ says these principles came from. Is that the case? Just wasn't sure how much these principles are geared towards helping the WS, versus general marriage problems? Maybe they are same?

3. Are there any of the 180 principles that people have found to be more effective than others? I only have so much energy and it would be nice to focus on the ones that can make the biggest difference first.

[This message edited by hurts_alot at 8:34 AM, March 6th (Sunday)]


Me - BS - 36
Her - WW - 34
Married 12 yrs.
3 kids - 9, 6, and 3
Dday - 2/26/2011
Divorcing/Separated

Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2011
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurtalot,

1) What your WW is doing by saying that you were unemotionally unavailable is basically what we call "blameshifting". She is unwilling to take responsibility for her affair - thus she is justifying it to herself that she never had a choice because you were an unemotional chump. You'll find that this is the single most common excuse that WW's will use to rationalise their behaviour. If she were to admit that she had an affair "just because she wanted to", then her story isn't quite as sympathetic. Better in her mind to make you the villain. Most often than not, it is actually the betrayed spouse that is more invested in the marriage. Infidelity is never justified - it is a destructive choice that she alone owns.

What you are doing with the 180 is making a statement - "I will not put up with your bullshit". You need to make it clear to her that your preference is to work on the marriage, but that you need x, y, and z to be able to do that. If she is unwilling to do her part, then you will re-evaluate your desire to stay in the relationship. Remember: there's only one thing worse than being in a marriage with infidelity - and that's staying in one. You can't control or manipulate or plead with her. You leave her free to make her choices and you put your focus on yours. She can either throw her life down the toilet with her choices, or she can get it together and make the necessary steps towards self improvement.

2) As mentioned, the fundamental theme of the 180 is to focus on your needs. The "bullet list" is essentially just a toolkit for you to use. They are geared towards making a stronger, more capable YOU, which will serve you better whether you divorce or reconcile. You need to be at your best regardless of the path you walk - it's all about respecting yourself and your needs.

3) Definitely - as mentioned it's a toolkit. You take what works for you with your situation. Once you understand the whole underlying theme it becomes more natural.

Now, of course if she is working on reconciling with you (and I mean an honest attempt - none of this "maybe I'll try but I still want to see the OM" crap) you will want to adjust your strategy. You will however, still take that underlying theme of self respect along with you, but the tactical tools will change as you gear them more towards constructive communication.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17109 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
hurts_alot
♂ New Member
Member # 31375
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the reply, this does help a lot. I'm currently reading "Co-Dependent No More" and it sounds like there are similar principles here. We have to stop trying to fix our spouse's problems and support them in solving their own problems.

I'm still struggling with the concept of detaching, while being available to support and work on the marriage. Is the 180 needed more while the WS is in the Fog and then you soften some of the 180 principles when both of you are truly committed to the R?


Me - BS - 36
Her - WW - 34
Married 12 yrs.
3 kids - 9, 6, and 3
Dday - 2/26/2011
Divorcing/Separated

Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2011
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can do both... by making yourself (and therefore the marriage) attractive and the affair a bad place to be. Essentially, you can reach out with one hand and assert with the other:

Reach out with one hand:
-Make your home, yourself, and marriage inviting/attractive.
-Show self improvement in areas that could use work.
-Communicate calmly and act self assured.
-Offer forgiveness and understanding (but not blindly).
-Avoid any harmful communication, bad habits, or behaviours.

Assert with the other:
-Don't accept the blame for their choice.
-Expose the affair.
-Consult a lawyer for informational purposes.
-Protect the assets of the marriage.
-Do not shield them from the consequences of their actions.
-Lay out the boundaries and consequences.

Don't get so caught up in the details of the 180 list... take the understanding as a whole and apply it as it best fits to your situation... work with what your WS gives you to work with.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17109 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump for SadCat22


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1909 | Registered: Nov 2010
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this post!


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.

Update...he


Posts: 730 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Rise_Above
♀ Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, March 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

volley


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
bufffalo
♂ Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, March 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5828 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
plzwakeme
♀ Member
Member # 30645
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, March 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question about the 180. I've read it in the past and have tried to employ many of its messages. I need to revisit it more seriously now because of TT and feeling like I am actually at another DDay. No more lies and being totally honest with me were part of the dealbreakers for R. So now I am left wondering if I even want to try to continue to R. Is this where people employ a "hard 180"? And what is that exactly?

I'm sorry if it's already listed somewhere in the thread, my brain isn't processing much very well right now.

Thank you!


Me BW 37, Him STBXH 38
Married 13 years, hoping to NOT make it to 14
DDay 1 10/21/10
4 MOW & many ONS attempts
Heading towards S/D NOT SOON ENOUGH!
"What the caterpillar calls the end, a butterfly calls the beginning." ~ Lao Tzu

Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2011
areyouserious
Member
Member # 31642
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, March 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please read my post. Any advice for me. I don't know if what I'm feeling is normal. Is this considered the 180?

Posts: 91 | Registered: Mar 2011
hard_yards
♀ Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, March 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump for newbies



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1241 | Registered: Apr 2009
bufffalo
♂ Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5828 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
Rise_Above
♀ Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, April 5th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hickory dickory bump


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
brokengrandma52
♀ Member
Member # 31705
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, April 5th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your observations about the 180. Looking at it the way you explain it is way easier for me to understand!!


Me BS beautiful wonderful woman!!
Him FWS ex jackass
We are recovered.....almost!
Dday July 2010
Married 49 years...50 years Aug 2013

Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Fl part of the year
socold
♂ Member
Member # 17400
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


(me)fBH 35
D-Day Dec 9, 2007
D final Oct 19th 2010

Posts: 2584 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in a van down by the river
bufffalo
♂ Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, April 16th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5828 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, April 18th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1909 | Registered: Nov 2010
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