SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been reading through these forums off and on for a long time, and have not come across a situation exactly like mine.

My wife has had problems with cheating for a long time. the most recent and most devastatin episodes, however, were only with black men. She told me that she would only pursue affairs with black men and during one of many false R's she even casually told me "next time, no more white boys!" meaning if we didn't make it she wouldn't be with another white guy.

Can anybody offer some insight?

drow,

Welcome to SI. My wife's AP were black, but only because they pursued her, it could have been someone white.

My wife told me that she only wanted to cheat with black men. I don't know what to do with that.

I mean, she literally cheated on me because I was white. We've been trying to work things out for a long time, but how can I ever trust her after that? It's not like I can *fix* being white.

[This message edited by drowbot0181 at 3:22 PM, May 9th (Friday)]

[This message edited by Syzy at 8:23 AM, May 10th (Saturday)]

drow,

Your wife needs to fix herself, and if she can't, you need to get divorced.

She needs to do some hard painful work in therapy to figure out why she wants to cheat, and why she wants to cheat with black men.

You can't do it, she has to.

I'm white and married to a black guy.

My husband gets hit on by lots of married white women. They tell him stuff like "I've always wanted to be with a black guy, but never had the guts". I think it's called "Mandingo Syndrome" or something like that.

In my experience (but I don't have much) I have found black men to be much more "dominant" in bed than white men...so maybe that's part of it, if she likes that sort of thing.

Whatever the reason, she is married to you and shouldn't cheat- no matter what.

She claims she is over that and she is "attracted to all types" now.

I just don't know what to do with this. I've never heard of such a thing. Can a person go through a "phase" where they are so obsessed with only being with black guys then be over it?

Feelings of attraction are just feelings, what boundaries does she have now? What boundaries has she reinforced?

Is your wife white? or is she black?

You know despite the touchy subject, it is really a variation of the same theme.

foggy WS will try to make the BS seem inadequate to justify their behavior.

your wife's tactic here is particularly hurtful because it is racist as well.

[This message edited by Duwang-Jai at 3:38 PM, May 9th (Friday)]

My wife is white.

And boundaries? None. What do I do, forbid her from speaking to black people???

No, you say something like:

your comments are biased and demeaning to me and yourself. I would expect you to love and respect me for who I am not my race.

It doesn't matter if you cheat on me with a black man or a white man, if you cheat on me again with anyone, I am gone.

She knows I'm gone if she messes up again, regardless of who the OP is.

My problem is how do I have any faith in her being attracted to me in the face of this?

I can't stress enough that black men are/were and OBSESSION with her. I'm serious when I say that if she met a black guy, she at least tried to sleep with him.

I know women who are attracted to another race than what they are but it's not a racist thing, it's a preference thing.

But she married a white man so that can't be it. I'm so sorry, I don't know what to tell you. I just wanted to give you a hug and say I'm sorry you're hurting like this.

(((drowbot0181)))

Your wife's attitude isn't about race, but pushing buttons. She is just using race to get you riled.

during one of many false R's she even casually told me "next time, no more white boys!"

I think your wife is blame-shifting. She is saying that it is your fault she had affairs because you are white. This is so cruel because she knows you can't change this.

My husband told me tone of the reasons he was leaving was because sex didn't "click" with me. He was the one who repeatedly rejected me just two months after we were married so this was really his problem. Note: we had great sex for the first two months. This was clearly his problem, not mine but it was easier , albeit cruel, for him to blame me. This was a deal-breaker for me because I refuse to spend the rest of my life with someone who either feels, or claims to feel, this way about me sexually. This is damage that cannot be undone. I think the damage your wife has done to you will be hard to overcome, if not impossible. Depends on you.

My WS hypersexualizes minority women. I am white. I was his first. He confessed one time that he was attracted to my bubble butt. What the???

One time he said he wanted what he didn't have. He went on to cheat more with the same. He went to porn sites with a preference for minority women. It's a racist fetish of his. I can't compete.

I think his racism hurt me a little more than the actual cheating and lies. How could I have married such a person and not known?! We prided ourselves in being all inclusive and then I was shocked to find out his private side. I hate how he must stereotype women in his mind.

I was actually wondering about this earlier. I have never heard race addressed here before.

OW in our case is beautiful, exotic looking half black/half mexican girl. His family, wealthy southern well-to-dos, would NEVER approve of an interacial relationship. I will never forget when I first accused him of having something going with her. I found their texts, which he swore were jokey, innocent flirtations. I knew her only from hearing her voice on the phone at his work and from the texts. I said "Something's going on with her. You're having an affair with her." His response? He looked at me incredulously and said "Are you serious? She's black!" As if that explained everything. Like it was IMPOSSIBLE for him to have sex with a black girl.

Fast forward to d-day. I was screaming and cursing at him. I reminded him of the time that he said he couldn't be having an A with her because she was black. I said "I guess it turns out her being black wasn't a problem for you after all, huh?" His response? "She's not black, she's mexican." In reality she's half of both, but I guess in his mind he could think of her as whichever half suited his needs at the time...Nice...

I don't know why...but after I was with a black guy, I wasn't sexually attracted to white guys anymore. I'm sure that is not the case for most people, but that's the way it was for me. There is saying "once you go black you never go back"...it is very stereotypical but it was true in my case.

I don't think my preference is based in racism...I think it is just what I am attracted to...like some guys prefer blondes over brunettes.

But her comments to you are wrong- I think she is trying to emasculate you. You deserve better.

[This message edited by my3threekids at 5:51 PM, May 9th (Friday)]

Here, I feel I should elaborate on things to put it into the proper context.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232872