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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Tactical Primer
Fighting2Survive
♀ Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, March 10th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, March 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1865 | Registered: Nov 2010
quedagh
♂ Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, March 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Divorced and safer, mostly.


Posts: 803 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Recovery Land
Fighting2Survive
♀ Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, March 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Fighting2Survive
♀ Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, March 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, April 2nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump

Posts: 7394 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump

Posts: 33982 | Registered: Mar 2011
bufffalo
♂ Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump

Posts: 7394 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
DixieDiamondfly
♀ Member
Member # 34830
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The worst thing you can do is to do nothing. Your wayward spouse will see this as passive approval of what they're doing and it will embolden them to continue their behaviour. Worst of all though... it is giving up your power to chose

Thank you for this information SerJR. It is really eye opening. I find myself in the place of feeling as though I'm doing nothing. I've told WS to do a few things and he has done them. I've asked a question here and there and he has answered. But, I almost feel as though I'm the one sweeping things under the rug. I think I've been in denial. Dday was Feb 8th. Confrontation day was Feb 24th. I have really taken time in the last couple of days to read posts on this forum and boy, have I learned a lot. I thought we were in Reconciliation mode, but now I don't think we're there yet.
There is an added dimension to this mess of ours...we are dealing with verbal and emotional abuse as well (which I also confronted him with on Confrontation day--he said he had no clue that he was doing it--he starts counseling for that a tomorrow)
Anyway, I know I have to make some serious moves to get this ball rolling. The fact is that I hate confrontation, and of course the abuse dynamic changes things a little bit. But it can't be swept under the rug! I just need some wisdom and guidance...and prayer. Any suggestions?


BS: Me, 53 yrs. young
WS: Him, 56 yo
KIDS: 29 yo son, 27 yo son, 22 yo daughter...and three wonderful grandsons
Married 31 yrs.
D-Day #1: 2/8/12
D-Day #2: 7/16/2012
Beginning R

Posts: 126 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Gulf Coast
Magda08
♀ New Member
Member # 35211
Evil  Posted: 9:00 PM, April 12th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump

Posts: 44 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: US
Magda08
♀ New Member
Member # 35211
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, April 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump

Posts: 44 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: US
lost2012
♀ Member
Member # 35325
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, April 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you so much for this great advice. I have a question. My spouse when confronted by the affair immediately went to a lawyer and filed for a legal separation. Now he wants to set up date nights, sleep in the same bed, basically act as if nothing has happended, yet he has already taken our kids to look for townhouses for the bachelor pad he will live in. My question is what boundaries should I set, as I don't know if I can trust him and am afraid this is just to manipulate me. He wants me to see his lawyer. I know not to. he set up a first counseling apt for tomorrow even though I begged him to 1 month a go when I found out and before he filed.


Dday- March 1, 2012
M 17 years
EA? 4 years
2 boys ages 10 and 12
Divorced- 12/17/2012

Posts: 82 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
Fighting2Survive
♀ Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, April 15th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Magda08
♀ New Member
Member # 35211
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump again for the newbies!

Posts: 44 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: US
AttemptStrength
♀ Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, April 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump

Posts: 7394 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
bufffalo
♂ Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, April 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
ERNightNurse
♀ New Member
Member # 35337
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, April 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reconciliation:

Should the affair end and the wayward spouse return to the marriage, reconciliation will be a difficult road to travel. You will know that your spouse is committed when they:
- Take responsibility for their choices and actions (without blaming you).
- Recognise the pain you were made to suffer because of their choices and are remorseful and empathetic for you (not just feeling sorry for themselves).
- Set up plans to ensure that this doesn't happen again. This includes no contact with the affair partner or other potential partners and taking measures such as blocking them from phone/email access, constructing a No Contact Letter, commitment to finding another job if appropriate, and so forth.
- Are 100% honest and transparent and willing to answer any questions and provide any information to rebuild the trust. This includes giving you access to the tools of the affair such as emails, phone, etc in order to verify their compliance.
- Are actively trying to make amends to the marriage.

You will have both built up walls to protect yourselves. Those same walls will prevent you from connecting emotionally. They have to be taken down very carefully. Some tips for successful reconciliation include:
- Avoid spending too much time together to try and force recovery.
- Donít just try to move forward and forget Ė this issue must be addressed although not the exclusion of everyday life.
- Avoid bringing up the affair repeatedly for anything not related to the affair, and do not belittle your spouse.
- Exhibit trust to the wayward partner only where trustworthiness has been shown. Continue to monitor the wayward partners activities to ensure the affair is over.
- Do spend more time together

doing things that you both enjoy.
- Do seek professional counseling.
- Do ensure that you try to meet their emotional needs and not engage in destructive behaviours or habits.

Wow, I wish I had read this first when I decided to try and R.


Me: BS 34
Him: WH 38
Together: 12 yrs
Married: 6 yrs
DD: 3/9/20012
R - or trying to anyway.
"Saying sorry doesnít mean there isnít guilt and forgiving doesnít mean the pain is gone" - Still working on this one...

Posts: 7 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Bay Area
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