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User Topic: Journey from abandonment to healing by Susan Anderson
beach
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Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If anyone like to discuss about this book, I will be happy to. I read this book so many times. Please post your thoughts or any questions, if any.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
ittybittya
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Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really need to pick this book up at my local library.

I've heard it's wonderful for those dealing with abandonment issues.


...still has much to learn :-(

Posts: 13528 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: Oklahoma
beach
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Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi itty!!

Yes, it is.

I was responding to one of member's post... telling him that

I had abandonment issue from childhood. My parents are still married, but emotionally unavailable. Always critical and I feel like I was not good enought to them. I was emotionally abandoned.

Since I can see where your root cause is coming from, I would like you to deal with your core issues, before you focus on something else. While giving her space to heal, you, too do your homework. You need to become your own nuturer. You are responsible to take care of you, and not your W or anyone else. You need to reprogram your thinkings.... I hope this makes sense.


It also helped me when I let it go.

Let me know when you do it. We can discuss as you go, too.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
Hope24
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Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just bought this book yesterday from Amazon.

I'd love to talk about it.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7605 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
burnt_toast
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Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amazing book.

The biochemical info about loosing the link to your partner was tremendously helpful and interesting.

All the exercises helped me a great deal, especially building my dream house. I even ended up fixing my appartment IRL!...a project that helped me moving formward.


It is what it is.

Posts: 4712 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Quelque part
plant_flowers
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Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also really love this book and read from it whenever I'm not feeling well!

The bonding with the inner child totally worked for me right away. It felt right and I was able to do it.

The anger part wasn't as much of an aha experience to read - I wanted more help with this somehow, as I've been spending lots and lots of time in anger mode. But her descriptions of the outer child really describes my X to a frightening degree. It describes me too somewhat, which has been eye-opening and not so pleasant to read about. But nonetheless very useful.

I will go back and do more of the house building exercise, I think. Like burnt-toast, I've also been thinking about making my real life house a bit more lovely while I'm at it.

What I also really like about this book is that she's completely optimistic about our ability to make another meaningful (better!) connection when we're ready and willing. That calms me and allows me to focus on healing without stressing too much about the prospect of never meeting someone again.

[This message edited by plant_flowers at 6:48 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


DD: December 31, 2007

Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Germany
FreedomRoad
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Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love this book! The parts where she explains the biological/neurological underpinnings of the pain I was going through really helped me relax into the healing process and surrender to it.


Conduct your blooming in the noise and the whip of the whirlwind - Gwendolyn Brooks

Posts: 5286 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: East Coast
beach
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Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your response.

Sounds like dream house exercise have helped you. That's great!!

I use dream house when I am feeling down. It gives me warm and comfy feelings. I just dream myself to build a house at a new place in the foreign country, or take a arm chair travel.

The other exercise that I use most is shattering, whenever I have triggers (bad memories/flash backs), or fear of unknown. It helps me to bring myself back to here and now, because I cannot control the past or future. Also memories are just memories. I then tell my mantra "That was then, this is now, I am at a peace"

I do this even I am not in the shattering moment, like 5-10 min at my lunchtime everyday, or before the bedtime, so that when the actual shattering moment comes, it comes in handy. I can handle trigger better.

The other one is "self dialogue" with my Outer child, who is selfish and self centered inner child, when the Outer Child acting out in rage. Remembering that I have 3 personality in me. One is a Little girl, then Rebellion girl and then adult me. In this dialogue, adult me would talk Outer down, so that I don't act out in anger. Like telling her to what is the point...?

plant flower, you said

The anger part wasn't as much of an aha experience to read - I wanted more help with this somehow, as I've been spending lots and lots of time in anger mode.

Have you made your own dialogue?

Anyone else?

Hope - when you are ready and have something to talk about it as you go.

[This message edited by beach at 11:36 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
GraceisGood
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Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello All, I have not read this book, but today I found (purely coincidentally seriously,) that the author is doing a 3 day retreat in July in my kneck of the woods. Here is the link if you are interested. I guess I should check out the book to see if I might want to attend

http://www.breitenbush.com/events/july25-27anderson.html

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
beach
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Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for sharing, Grace.

That's wonderful that you got a nice place for a retreat where you live.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
beach
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Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whenever I get the triggers, I get flash backs. I just let the flashbacks float away from me like a bubble and then I practice mindfulness. And then I take a deep breath, and say my mantra "That was then, this is now, I am at peace". It works for me.

I wanted to share this excersise that is called Shattering excersise from a book "Journey from abandonment to healing" by Susan Anderson, but this technique helps you to focus on HERE and NOW.

This is for those of us who had a trigger or has too much wondering mind. It is also helpful to know how to bring you back to now and reality. The key is to awareness.....- beach

SUMMARY OF SHATTERING


The severing has cut through the dense tissues of attachment, right through to the molten core of self. Like it or not, you are in touch with your deepest needs and feelings. This is where a whole new life can start. The pain of shattering is an epiphany.

Abandonment cuts so deep it feels like a mortal wound, but as you have seen, it arouses your instinct for survival. Cut off and alone, you cry out. You feel primal need and fear. These are the most vulnerable and important feelings you have. They represent your most elemental needs that have been with you since birth. As you learn to manage the pain, it is important to listen to your fears. They tell you what you need. When you dare to accept these feelings, you are ready to begin to heal.

Akeru allows you to transform the piercing pain of abandonment into an opening. It offers an invitation to experience life in the moment. You become more present and accessible to others, to life, and to the child within. This child is free to experience sensations, its eyes and ears and skin not yet so well-defended against life experience. For the adult as well as the child, all the sensations of life are most intensely felt in the moment. It is this reawakened self that you bring into the moment with you - along with the openness, wonder and discovery of the child.

As you emerge from the shattering state, you have taken significant steps in the direction of emotional self-reliance. You have learned to: step one, understand the depth and nature of your abandonment wound; step two, acknowledge its pain; step three, avoid shame by accepting your feelings as natural; step four, affirm your strength - you can stand alone; and step five, manage your feelings by getting into the moment.

Shattering is a rite of passage similar to the initiation rights of the shaman who journeys to the spiritual world and wrestles with demons before he can own his power. Some of the best healers in our society are those who have been through overwhelming trauma, because they have worked through their shattering.

At the end of the chapter, there are step-by-step instructions for Staying In The Moment which is a way to recover from shattering. The definition of staying in the moment is not what I initially thought....I thought it was to really feel the pain and stick it out and sometimes that is just too hard. Staying in the moment simply means tuning in to your environment and focusing on your senses rather than your worries and grief. Staying in the moment isn't just an exercise; it's a way of being.

Step-By-Step Instructions For Staying In The Moment:

Preparing Yourself for the Moment

Begin right where you are. Just stop whatever you are doing and take in your immediate surroundings. Is there natural light or lamplight? Is the room sparse or cluttered with many things?
Take it all in: the sights, the sounds, the feeling of the room.

Listening to Background Noises
Is it quiet, or do you hear the blaring noise of a radio or television? If you can, turn them off. Your goal is to remove any sounds that can drown out subtle background noises. Listening for faint background noises is on of the most effective ways to get into the moment.

Close your eyes and focus your attention on the sounds you hear.
At first, the loudest noises command your attention. You may hear someone's voice in the background or people moving around in other rooms or a truck driving by.

Try to identify all of the sounds you hear.

Now listen more closely. Can you hear the distant sounds of birds? Can you hear cars on faraway streets? Can you hear the hum of an appliance in another room - the refrigerator or a ceiling ? Keep going, listening for the faintest of sounds, as long as you can.
You have used your sense of hearing to momentarily come out of your thoughts and enter the peace and calm of the moment. Your task is as simple as this.

Use Your Sense of Touch to Bring in the Moment
Use your sense of touch in a deliberate, self-disciplined way. Close your eyes. Is there any movement of air in the room? Can you feel it against your face, neck, or hands? It may require deep concentration to tune in to this sensation.

What else do you feel? How do your clothes feel in contact with your skin? Can you feel their weight on your shoulders or their texture against your legs? Can you feel the weight of a watch or bracelet on your wrist, the weight of the shoes on your feet?
Think of everything in contact with your skin, beginning with your feet. Do you feel a breeze against bare skin? Pressure of warm socks? Are they too tight? Or do you feel only the pressure of sheets across your bare feet?

Next, think about the skin on your legs, then your torso and arms, as you slowly move up your body.

Pay close attention to your hands. They are very sensitive and can pick up the slightest movements of air. Reach out with your hands and feel the texture of things around you. What does the chair you're sitting on feel like? The sheets on your bed?

Your face is also sensitive to air currents and temperature. What do you feel? The weight of your hair across your scalp? Tingling?
As you take in these sensations, you have entered the moment. You are delivered from your painful thoughts.

Use Your Sense of Taste and Smell
I don't mean for you to practice this exercise at meals. In fact, you will gain the most benefit by trying to discern very subtle tastes and smells.

Concentrate on what the inside of your mouth tastes like. Is it a neutral taste? Minty? Smoky? As you inhale, do you notice any changes? Upon inhaling, can you detect the scent of wood? Of dirt? Of cleaning agents? Of fruit? Use your senses of taste and smell to bring you out of your thoughts and into the moment.

Focus on Your Breathing
Feel your chest rise and fall, the air filling your lungs, your diaphragm expanding, then release it all. Can you feel the air as it exits your nostrils? Concentrate on the muscles that work to draw your every breath, on the air moving in and out of your lungs.

Most people are able to hold the moment very briefly when they are feeling intense grief and loss. The natural tendency is to slip back into obsessive thoughts. Staying in the moment is a skill requiring concentration and effort. Try to extend these brief interludes as long as you can and start again each time you recognize that the moment has slipped away. Try seeking out the most beautiful place you can find and drink it in with your ears, your eyes, your skin and your nose. Listen to your favorite music.

Keep good reading material on hand, books that will hold your interest and inspire you. Two I recommend are Silences by Hannah Merker, and Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn. Writing (diary, journal, free writing) helps you concentrate on the present and is an excellent way to focus your thoughts, create an action plan for the day, or even plan your new life.

The more you practice this exercise, the better you become at accepting reality. It is a state of being that Zen Buddhists and other spiritual orders have aspired to for centuries. To learn to live your life with this kind of mindfulness is to accept change and participate in the joy, love and bounty of life around and within you. Each time you use the moment as nature's greatest refuge from pain, you strengthen your ability to accept life on live's terms.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
beach
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Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have found these resources helpful in the recovery.

Here is one of the exercises in the book:

In the second emotional stage, we use "internalize excersise". Try to have a conversation between a little girl in you and a big adult in you. Big adult you will tell Little that she will not leave her and she will love and nurture her no matter what.

You will try to build a dream house by imagining the place where you want to be in the future, which is your well and come back whenever you are sad or feel empty to nourish your soul.

Dialogue with Inner Self

Step One: Your first task is to create a vivid picture of your abandoned child that newly awakened part of yourself. Recall yourself as a very young child (of about four) and use that image to personify your emotional core. Imagine that you, the adult, can stand back and observe this child, as if she or he is a separate being, standing outside of you. This helps to cognitively draw the needy feelings this child represents out from where they are hidden within your limbic brain. Robertiello and Kirsten recommend that you picture this child standing five feet away from you on your left side. The idea is to remind you that your child self is in fact more vulnerable and dependent than your adult self.

The child has long been within you, making its needs known, trying to control and interfere in your adult life. When you feel insecure, for instance, it is the child within you who is insecure, the child who feels desperate for acceptance and approval. It is also the child who is afraid to take risks and the child who sabotages your attempts to form new relationships. Rather than forsake these feelings, your task is to accept and care for this long-abandoned part of yourself.

Step Two: Now visualize your adult self. Form a picture in your head of the person you wish to become.

Many struggle at first when they try to see themselves as strong, capable adults. Try picturing your adult self doing something you know you are reasonably good at. Think of the times you knew you were at your best, most competent, and independent. From these positive recollections, form a composite image that includes all the best of you.

Step Three: Now you’re ready to start a dialogue between the adult image of yourself and the child – between big you and little you.

By creating an image of your child self and potential adult self, you have created a triangle. You, the individual are at the top of the triangle. The child is on the bottom left, the adult on the bottom right. You are going to remain at the top as an objective observer, where you can mediate the dialogue between these two figures, between your most urgent needs and the capable adult you know you can become.

The role for the adult self: Your adult self’s job is to provide the child with al that he or she needs: a sense of belonging and love, to be admired and listened to, to be relieved of guilt and burden. Your adult self should act like a good parent toward a cherished child.

The role of the child self: In turn, the child will express its feelings and look to your adult self for help. As you begin to see your child self as a separate figure, he or she reveals its most basic needs, fear, hopes and dreams. Many of these things have been buried for a long time. This exercise is designed to bring them out in the open.

The role of the individual: As the mediator of the dialogue, you will be conducting a kind of one-person role-play. You, of course, give voice to both your child self and adult self. When you are speaking for the child, you take on the language and attitude of a child. When you are speaking for the adult, you take on the body language of a strong and sensible adult whose main goal is to help the child.

Your task is to become more aware of what you are feeling. Attribute these feelings to the child. You are also supporting the adult who is striving to be strong and emotionally self-nurturing.

To gain maximum benefit from this exercise practice it daily, preferably at a fixed time and in the same place. Your adult self opens the dialogue by greeting the child and asking about its feelings. Big you draws out what is really bothering you by asking questions an demonstrating a sincere interest I understanding and helping.

At first the dialogues can be long. The child often has a great deal to say. Later, the dialogues become more focused and direct. Your overall approach is to reassure the child that everything will be all right. This also helps to reinforce the strength and confidence of your adult self. Your goal is to put your child in a good mood if at all possible. Getting the child to express its feelings is the most effective way to lift its mood (and yours).

Here is an encapsulated version of one of Roberta's first dialogues:

BIG: What the matter, Little?

LITTLE: I'm sad.

BIG: Tell me what's bothering you. I'll help you.

LITTLE: I think you made a mistake yesterday at work and I'm afraid your boss will be angry with me. I don't like being yelled at. I'm scared.

BIG: I understand how you feel. You don't need to be afraid. If my boss yells, I will handle it. I'll take care of you no matter what happens. Besides, he's usually very nice. He doesn't expect me to be perfect. Anyway, this is not your problem. It's mine. Don't worry about it. I'll make sure he doesn't hurt you.

This exercise does not guarantee that you will walk away from the dialogue with all of your conflicts neatly resolved. Establishing a dialogue with your inner self is no different from opening any other type of dialogue; it is an ongoing process whose outcome is far from predetermined.

Working with the child within is really nurturing the growth of the adult. By administering to the child, your adult self becomes free of the child's destructive, negative influence and functions on a more mature level. In fact, when you find yourself handling stressful situations poorly, it is because you have allowed the child to slip back inside. Your goal is to make sure that your child and adult selves remain in their separate roles.

Many report that at first their adult selves don't know what to do. "My child was so difficult, my adult was completely stumped," said Jill. Here is one of her early dialogues:


LITTLE: I feel fat and ugly and it's all your fault, Big!

BIG: I'm sorry, Little. But I really do know how you feel.

LITTLE: Don't hand that "I know how you feel" crap to me, Big. You're the one doing all of the eating. I'm the one doing all of the suffering. I want to look nice and you won't let me.

BIG: That must make you feel sad and lonely.

LITTLE: Well, do something about it, Big. Go on a diet and stick to it, so I don't have to feel so terrible and ugly.

BIG: I'll try, Little. I know how you feel.

LITTLE: Never mind try. That just means nothing will happen. You always let me down.

BIG: It's not all my fault, Little. You're the one who loves sugar.

LITTLE: Don't blame me, Big. You always go ahead and eat too much, and I'm the one who has to pay for it. I hate you for making me fat!

As Jill continued her daily dialogues, her ability to remain in the adult role in response to Little's attitude showed steady improvement. With a bit of practice, her adult self took on a more effective role.

Here is an example:

BIG: I want to be thin too, Little. But I am going to need you to talk to me every time you feel needy or hungry.

LITTLE: What does that have to do with it?

BIG: I care about your feelings, Little.

LITTLE: All I care about is for you to get thin and pretty so I don't have to feel so fat and ugly.

BIG: Exactly, Little. And I care about those feelings, too. It helps when you remind me of them In the meantime, I am going to get some help losing weight.

LITTLE: It's about time you admitted you can't do it by yourself. You're too weak.

BIG: For your sake as well as mine, I'm getting stronger.

You'll get the best results if you begin by writing the dialogue. Writing helps you, the individual, to keep Big's and Little's roles clearly defined and keeps you on task. Writing is a form of taking action; it involves you more deeply in the exercise, just as taking notes helps you focus on a lecture.

In spite of the aversion many people have to writing, the results are almost always worth it. The kind of writing you are doing is very different from preparing a report or lodging a formal complaint with a credit agency. Anyone can do it. It goes fast because the idea is not to give critical thought to what is going down on the page but simply to resort the conversation. No one is ever going to read your dialogue unless you want them to; it does not need to be legible or coherent. As you write, your feelings will carry your pen swiftly across the page.

As you become more practiced at this exercise and your child and adult are well-defined, you can speak the dialogue aloud instead of writing it all down. Some people who have been doing the exercise for a number of years report they are able to perform the dialogue silently, inside their heads.

Whether you are writing, speaking or thinking the dialogue, the important thing is to keep the needs and feelings of the child from slipping back inside your head where they can subvert your efforts to become the strong and capable adult you know you can be.

When you can't get in touch with the child, go back to step one and create a distinct visual image of the child. Imagine it outside yourself, and then begin writing dialogue to draw the feelings out. The process sometimes takes a great deal of effort. As any parent knows, finding ways to relate to a needy child is a real challenge. You may have to summon all of your patience, but keep gently pushing, keep asking questions.

Remember that Little can easily feel abandoned. She needs to feel taken care of all the time. That means talking to Little at least once a day.

The following is an example of Keaton, who hasn't talk to Little on a regular basis:

LITTLE: Why should I tell you anything! You don't care about me. You haven't paid me any attention in my whole life! So don't pretend now that you care about my feelings. You'll just forget about me all over again and pretend I don't exist!

BIG: I'm sorry that I neglected you for so long. But I genuinely want to know what you're feeling. I want to comfort you. I really do care. I won't neglect you this time.

LITTLE: It's too little too late. I'll never speak to you.

"Of course that was just lip," Keaton told the group. "Now I can't get Little to shut up."

Marie's Little expressed similar anger for being abandoned.

LITTLE: I feel so upset, Big. You let Lonny leave! How could you lose him! It's even worse than when Mom died. I'm lonely all over again.

BIG: I know how hurt you are, Little. But even though Lonny left, I will always be with you. I would never leave you.

LITTLE: But I miss Lonny.

BIG: I know you do, Little, and so do I. But at least you know that I love you and always will.

Remember that the purpose of the dialogue is not to wrap up a problem in a two-minute conversation. It is to create open channels of communication that lead to change over the course of time.

In fact, many clients report that the child makes unreasonable demands. He or she is, after all, only a child, frightened of being alone and full of needs. It is up to Big to parent the demands of Little and gently but firmly explain to Little why some things can't happen. Let's look at Marie's ongoing dialogue.
BIG: What's the matter, Little?

LITTLE: I don't trust you, Big.

BIG: Why not?

LITTLE: Because you put me through too many horrible things. I want you to promise that nothing bad will ever happen again.

BIG: I can promise that I will never let anything come between you and me ever again.

LITTLE: No, Big, I want you to promise that nobody will ever leave me again. I want you to promise that you will find someone who will always love me, so that I never have to go through this again.

BIG: I can't make promises that I may not be able to keep, Little. If I could control these things, I would. But the truth is that there are no guarantees in life when it comes to other people's feelings or behavior.

LITTLE: But I want you to protect me from being hurt again.

BIG: One thing I can guarantee is that I will do my best to find somebody who is loyal and devoted, to help you feel more safe and secure.

LITTLE: I want you to promise.

BIG: I can promise that no matter what happens with the other people in my life, I will always love you. I will never leave you.

Some people report that Little tries to get them to do things that their child selves want much more than their adult selves. It becomes a power struggle.
"Little Keaton was really angry at me because I wouldn't let him get a dog," explained Keaton. "Of course I couldn't tell anyone else about this because I'd sound like someone with multiple personality disorder. But we were having a fight, Little Keaton and I. I had to tell Little over and over that my landlord didn't allow pets. It took alot of writing and many sheets of paper to convince Little, to get him to calm down."
"Of course, Little got me to promise that I'd do other things to make it up to him. And I'd dame well better carry them out, or he would be on my case all day. Little has become so real that I can't imagine turning my back on him again - I'm afraid he'd kill me."

After doing the exercise for a while, the child self begins to feel like a real presence, with its own personality. Some like to remind themselves that Big and Little are simply images, others prefer to think of them as real people. Some of my clients christen Little with names of their own, including inner child, inner self, core feelings, primal self or emotional core. Regardless of how they refer to these figures, after doing the exercise a few times, profound changes begin to take shape.

Marylou became involved in abandonment recovery in order to deal with her old abandonment wounds. She was plagued by childhood demons, as she called them, stemming from the fact that her father had been sexually and physically abusive, and her mother cold, distant and severely punitive. So Marylou began doing the exercise with great hopes and expectations for relief. Things turned out very differently from what she expected. About three weeks into it, her Little asked her to go to her grandmother's grave.

BIG: It's four hundred miles away, Little.

LITTLE: But I want to go. She is the only one who ever loved us.

BIG: But I have to work, Little.

LITTLE: I want you to take time off and drive me there.

BIG: Maybe when my vacation comes up, I'll take you.

LITTLE: I can't wait that long, Big. I want to go now. I want to remember what it felt like to have Grandma's love, to talk to her. I want to get her love back.

BIG: How about if I read to you tonight, Little, or do something else you like? They you'll know how much I care about you. That's what really counts.

LITTLE: No, I want to visit Grandma. I miss her, and I want to be near so I can talk to her.

BIG: But I don't really want to drive to Massachusetts just to talk to Grandma, Little.

LITTLE: I want you to. If you care about me, you will.

Marylou described how Little nagged her on a daily basis until she finally agreed to make the long trip to visit Grandma's grave. As she made plans for the trip, it occurred to her that an old high school friend still lived in Massachusetts, so she looked her up and they talked about old times. They made plans to meet for dinner.
So off Marylou went to Massachusetts. During the car ride, she was urged to listen to Little once more. Little asked her to buy something to plant at Grandma's grave site. Marylou went along with this, hoping that this would be enough to satisfy Little.

At the grave site, Marylou had a very emotional experience. Little reminded her of the times when she was nestled in her grandmother's lap, feeling cherished and at peace with the world.

Marylou went off feeling drained but with the sense of emotional relief and looking forward to meeting with her old friend. Together, they planned a trip to Norway - Marylou's first trip abroad - to visit the homeland of both their families.

To be effective, the dialogue needs to be an ongoing part of your life. As you continue practicing, you will be able to gradually resolve unfinished business - injuries from earlier losses and abandonment, as well as any current crises, all the while helping your adult self become stronger and more effective.


This Akeru exercise doesn't attempt to sidestep the grief. It works with it, using withdrawal's powerful drive toward attachment to form a bond between your adult self and your child self. Rather than distracting you from these feelings, this exercise uses them as fuel for growth. As you strengthen your adult self and address the needs of your child, you have taken a giant step in the direction of becoming emotionally self-reliant.

Separation therapy works. It is not hard to learn and along the way you become your own therapist and mentor. And it works for everyone. We all have a child who sometimes needs help.

SUMMARY OF WITHDRAWAL

Withdrawal is when all of the connections with our lost love are torn. We try to move forward with loose wires hanging out, exposed and sparking. We were so medicated by the relationship, we didn't realize how intricate our connections had become. Only now can we distinguish which of the wires are part of a healthy connection to our loved one and which were based on fear or the excessive need to please. As we heal, we test the loose wires through soul-searching, therapists, sponsors, friends and trial encounters with new people. Eventually, we discover the connections to true nurturing and healthy relationships.

Our core feelings are awake and alive - the oldest, most enduring part of ourselves. All else is ripped away. The child on the rock cries out for what is lost. It is this child who feels the wrenching tear in the tissues of attachment, the frustration and intense need to reconnect. When we give the child a voice, we are finally able to administer to the needs, fears and longings of our innermost self.

During withdrawal we are like the baby chick without its shell, still wet, facing the world without its protective cover. It is the ultimate trial of survival. We are free from the restrictive bonds of security. No longer sedated by our former relationships, we emerge stark and alive, our needs exposed, our feelings raw, to forge new connections.

Withdrawal is you becoming you for the first time.

It is individuation.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
lucie
♀ Member
Member # 6773
Default  Posted: 5:36 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love this book! I bought The Journey from Heartbreak to Connection too.

I read them 2+ years after dday and I wished I known about them sooner.


Very happy, the rest doesn't matter anymore.

Posts: 5778 | Registered: Mar 2005
burnt_toast
♀ Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That book is fabulous. It helped me so much in the aftermath! The house exercise is very powerful.


It is what it is.

Posts: 4712 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Quelque part
smallmouse
♀ Member
Member # 19649
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got this one, but it came second, after I started another. I have started having the book on my lap and reading it at stoplights that's seriously the only free time I can find in a day (got to have my SI time too, though it's not much either, lol)

I haven't read the posts since I don't want to spoil my suprise. I should finish the first book this weekend, I actually haven't got too much planned.

Excited to read this now after seeing the thread!!!
sm


pancakes!

Posts: 1446 | Registered: May 2008
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lucie - I also have Heartbreak to Connection. It is a workbook and it was helpful, when I read Journey from Abandonment to Healing first.


small mouse - don't try to rush and read it at once. When I read, I treated it as a textbook. 1 chapter per day, or per week. I highlighted the part that relates to me, or wrote down the notes, too. It sinks better when I do that.

[This message edited by beach at 8:47 AM, July 24th (Thursday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump for zonagirl.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you beach! I know you bumped this for Zona which made me come over and take a look.

Some of the conversations with Big and Little had me in tears and I wanted to scream 'Oh my God that is ME!'

Okay...I'm going to dry my tears and wash my face then head over to the book store.

Thanks again beach!


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
PeacePower
♀ Member
Member # 17129
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never post in this forum, but I saw the thread and just had to say I love, love, love this book!!! I recommend it all the time! So much so that I know I sound like a broken record.

In my opinion, it does bog down a bit in later chapters (perhaps the author was trying to make it long enough) but all of the advice is sound. The exercises work. The summary at the end helps me alot when I'm out of sorts and needing to refresh my memory of what she wrote.

Everyone should read this!!!


Me: XBS-female 39. She: gone-D'ed 06/01/08.

Finding new hope, new love, new dreams!

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty. ~Maya Angelou


Posts: 2092 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Southern California!
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, October 18th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

op,
I am glad you are going to get this book. I am sure it will be helpful for you.


PeacePower, I am glad you saw this thread and that it is nice to know another fan of this book.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
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