Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
I think friend whyo has brought a new term to our little lexicon:
It'd be funny if it weren't so devastating.
Well, wait a minnit!
Now that I think about it, yeah, there have been times where I've had to stifle laughter...
so maybe there's a memory - a thought I can actually build on.
Yeah, that's the ticket.
Only difference is that now when he starts raging, I can just turn and walk away, or I can hang the phone up. It is hard to stifle laughter though. Sometimes I am unable to resist laughing in his face.
The kids tell me that he is not raging at them when he has visitation. He attempts to engage me frequently, and when NC fails, I can now shut him down pretty fast. It's just a matter of time before either OW or her son gets the rage. Or else he's going to implode. I'd like to have front row seat to see it either way....
[This message edited by woundedby2 at 9:08 AM, September 8th (Monday)]
i left my pet 12 years ago. i never really dealt with it. i just left and started a new life and never really looked back unless i was forced. i took up with stbxWH shortly there after. i'm realizing that maybe that's been a problem in having a healthy relationship with stbxWH or anyone else. i just never dealt with the wounds from that.
He was horribly manipulative. Always telling me I had done things intentionally to upset him. One time he told me that I didn’t love him b/c I forgot olive oil at the grocery store. He would tell me I said things I hadn’t or that he had told me or given me instructions that he hadn’t. he accused me of misplacing his mustache trimmer when I KNEW I hadn’t. He raged at me over that one. Then I found the trimmer a place that I NEVER would’ve put it. He did that with other things prior to that. I thought I was going crazy. Seriously thought I had a mental disorder b/c I was ALWAYS misplacing things. He was hiding them. He would yell and scream over anything.
My DS was delivered via emergency c-section. The day after he was born and I was still in the hospital, the pet came to visit but ended up yelling at me b/c the computer was messed up and it must’ve been my fault b/c I had used it the day DS was born. Now WTH? Even if I had messedup was that really the time???
He could never keep a job b/c it wasn’t good enough. Always trying to start some business or another b/c he was better than everyone else. Lying to business associates all the time. Always conning people into giving him money and things. It was horrible.
One time when visiting my aunt I accidentally threw in an old blue shirt in with some whites. It was so old there was no color bleeding at ALL. I re-washed the whites with bleach and they were fine. He swear they were SLIGHTLY off white and we had to drive an hour to get him new white t-shirts and underwear. WTF???
I swear the only reason he didn’t get physically violent with me more than once was b/c my father seriously threatened him. After I threw him out, he stalked me, broke into my apartment, cut the break lines in my car.
All this stuff is mostly just from the collection of the myriad of little things like that he did every single day. I can’t even begin to remember much of it b/c I didn’t even recognize how messed up it was at the time.
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler
You are describing my XNPD perfectly.
Everything was my fault too. He was perfect even when he raged, everything was my fault.
He would lose things around the house and then accuse me of stealing his things.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
It's not unusual for residual effects to become more evident after the passage of time. We get sucked into their bizarro world somehow, and it takes time and distance to get that their projections are just that!
My NPD is also an X that I left more than 20 years ago. I had not seen or heard from him for 18 or so years (and then only to sign over any rights to our community property--well worth it to be rid of him!) After all those years of relative calm and a wonderful life with a very kind NORMAL person, I began experiencing some pretty frightening PTSD symptoms related to the old life in Bizarro World. I've been seeing an IC for almost a year now, and she has helped me to fully understand the damages and to begin to understand at least some of the "whys."
If you haven't done so, do yourself a favor now and get some help dealing with the residual damage. You deserve it!
i've ready pages and pages of stuff here and elsewhere and although he will never be officially diagnosed, i'm quite certain he's NPD at best.
when i left him an we were in the middle of the custody issues. my attorney who volunteers to work with abused women, asked me some questions one day. she started asking about physical abuse and i said "no nothing really" but i did tell her about some things. she told me that every time i would talk about him, i'd get a different look on my face and the tone of my voice would change. then she said that was what she saw in her clients who were leaving people who had phsyically abused them. it really hit me at that moment how awful things had been. i've hung on to that conversation for a long time. i think its time to deal with it.
my biggest focus right now now is "who am i? what do i want in my life now?"
2 years after i tossed him out, put his things in a storage unit and mailed him the key, he beat his next g/f so badly that he was arrested and convicted of attempted murder. it was on my birthday, i don't think it was a coincidence. i am so grateful i left when i did but that one still haunts me. i feel like i turned him loose on the world and her.
i just wanted to add how much i appreciate having a place to dump some of this out in the open. i've tried a few times to explain this to people and its too crazy and i end up kind of joking about it instead of really telling them about how bad it was. i'm near tears and i really don't know why.
[This message edited by hexed at 1:42 PM, September 8th (Monday)]
After the last pseudo-evacuation I had said that I would never, ever, ever evacuate with this man.
Hell, after many trips with him, I had said that I would never, ever, ever go on an extended trip with him.
Sadly, Gustav forced my hand and I endured one of the most hellish weekends ever.
We ended up fleeing to Dallas. This time we were lucky. All around us there are downed power lines, but for the first time, we actually escaped unscathed. Thank goodness. Well, except for the gate. We got our fence done a couple of years ago by some guy whose only recommendation was that his wife was hot and my NPD was after her (she was a bartender). He did a miserable job on the gate latch, which was the first part of it to get messed-up, and then the philodendron damaged the rest of the gate portion. That's been an accident waiting to happen.
As for myself, it was utter hell and emotional torture. Can you imagine being already in the stress of a major hurricane, then being with someone who refuses to make decisions, who shrugs off everything with "I don't care" and "it doesn't matter?" If we were talking about PB&J versus ham and cheese I could see where those things might be unimportant, but... staying or leaving? Hotel or family? Those are things that something has to be done about. They require action and planning. "I don't care" and "it doesn't matter" just doesn't cut it.
I'm beginning to think that that kind of stuff is deliberate, however, because after hearing "I don't care" and "it doesn't matter," apparently he DID care and it DID matter, because he bitched about every decision that I made. A lot. Ad nauseum. The time to bitch, IMO, was at the time that a decision had to be made. Furthermore, he also made the completely true and untrue claim that he had no input. You're damned right -- because you didn't want to. Why are you blaming me for your waffle-headedness???
And then my brother left with only one of his kids and we were FORCED to actually bring one of our kids home in our car (I put forced in capital letters, but I never saw it that way). To my NPD, that was the most horrible, heinous crime ever committed against him. And not only that, I allowed the kid to stay at my sister's house instead of bringing him back to the hotel with us. I had asked him what he wanted to do about that, and he turned on his heel and left. He didn't say anything about it, either, until after we left my sister's house. That was when I found out what I should have done. I should have told my parents that we didn't bring our son to Dallas and we absolutely were not going to bring him back so that THEY would be the ones forced to find him a ride home. I should have brought Jamie with us that night so he could share our king-sized bed which was already small enough with me, Lola, and him.
To add insult to injury, he just left the house and took off, just turning on this street and that street without paying any attention to where he was going. In the dark. He didn't ask for the GPS until he got us well and truly lost, then he was complaining that the GPS was too slow finding a position. Then maybe it was because I was using it wrong. (He messed with it on the way home and couldn't find what it was he was looking for, then he bitched because I wasn't correcting his fuck-up fast enough.)
Back at the hotel room, it turned into how I was always taking my family's side over him. Huh? I didn't even know that there was a side. He made a big deal about how much stuff we had to drive around, but I've driven to New Orleans with much more crap and all three kids. It had never occurred to me to tell my child that no, he could not ride in my car because he hadn't ridden in it two days before. To me, that's just plain evil and wrong. It never entered my mind. Ever. It never would have. I would have not have even thought of doing such a thing unless it was pointed out to me, which it wasn't until after the fact. It's not like he was put out in any way. Papi dropped Jamie off before we had even finished packing the car, and he left him a nice fucking atlas. And he still ended up using the GPS that he complained about so bitterly.
Hell, I was pregnant for Katrina, and he promised his mother that he would drive someone that she met at the shelter off. He didn't feel like it on the way back, and he didn't feel like it after he got home. So guess who got to come home from work and drag her pregnant ass to Baton Rouge in bumper-to-bumper traffic on that horrible bridge??? Where was he standing up for me then??? This motherfucker has dissed me to people whom he claimed were total strangers to him while I am sitting 3 feet away from him and can hear every fucking word. The last pseudo-evacuation we had, he drove for an hour across 3 parishes to drop me off at my parents' house so that he could go barhopping and trying to pick up waitresses (only to find out that she already had a boyfriend, James from Survivor). We didn't even have to evacuate, so all of that was so that Lola and I could sit up in a hotel room stranded while he enjoyed the nightlife. You wanna bitch about loyalty? Where's yours??? How about loyalty for your fucking children who shouldn't have to worry about being stranded 7 hours away from home because Dad's honor has been offended?
So all in all, it was sheer and utter hell from Friday on. I had a brief reprieve when he passed out in the elevator (probably partially stress, but more than likely the fact that he had a breakfast of cigarettes followed by a hefty toke) and thought he was having a stroke, but that quickly faded. Once he figured out why he passed out, it was back to jerkface, asshole tactics. Again.
I'm taking my chances with Ike, though.
You are so strong.
(((veritas))) you have a PM....
Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy
(((veritas))), girl, WHEN are you going to make your escape??? You are such a bright light in this world! Why are you allowing him to dump his garbage on you? Is there really anything that can make it worthwhile? Someday, you are going to post "I'm OUT!" and hundreds of us will shout in unison "Hallelujah!!!"
Veritas -- I gotta wonder same as LongLost. Honey, why don't kick him to the curb? That man is toxic to the core. I'm sorry he continues to act like the NPD freak that he is. ((((((v))))))
The issue is that DS does not want to go with his NPD dad for visitation. He feels like he is being forced to go. Like he has no say. (He doesn't).
Apparently there are huge problems with DS feeling replaced and feeling that OW's son is treated better than he and my DD are being treated.
Also, WonderDad is grilling DS each visit. Asking him about things that are happening in my home. What time did you go to bed? Did you get to school on time? Oh, you went to the mall? What time did you come home? Did your mom buy anything? etc, etc.
He is afraid of his dad. Afraid to not answer. Afraid to tell him to buzz off. Afraid to tell the truth and afraid to lie. Afraid to stand up for himself. Afraid of his own father...
I just hate it that he has no voice in the courts. I hate that "society" seems to think that it is best for the kids to continue to be exposed to the abusive NPD behaviors just because - well, just because they should still see their father.
Have any of you dealt with this kind of thing? I understand that the courts will hear him when he is 14. But my heart breaks for my DS. There is no 180 or No Contact for the most innocent of the victims.
Yes, there were troublous times, acting out - lotsa stupid stuff I did, but I knew -
my heart knew,
my father was the good guy - for alot of reasons, but primarily -
because he insisted on taking the high road, and never once altered.
For your mother's heart, let this encourage you to take the high road. With full faith that in time, DS will recover and blossom - and eventually fly! from beneath the care of your loving wings.
It's not going to be easy - given the N in his life...o yeah.
I'm not much help on implementing the principle, though. Having the kids in IC is a good start!
Maybe IC can help with the mechanics - the specific *things to do* to help the kids deal & heal.
One thing would be doing lots of activities with them, not so much the shuttling around to games & stuff, but planning lots of *doing fun stuff* together.
Time together. Plan it. Mark the calendar, fill it up.
(u gonna b bizzy!)
That's the priceless thing.
The thing you never have again.
The thing that truly bonds them to you.
i wish i had some advice. my DS is 13 but doesn't even know his NPD father so i've got nothing useful. 13 year olds have it tough enough.
this sounds stupid but i know that sometimes when myDS is out of sorts about anything at all a big hug helps a lot. maybe now that he's been able to say it outloud to IC that he can share those feelings with you? and you can follow with a wonderful comforting mom hug? and lots of good time together
no, i didn't know the term but i used to think i was selfish and awful when i was with him. it carries over a bit now.
i'm an only child so i'm acutely aware that i'm a bit spoiled and self centered. this accusation used to worry me b/c i really try not to be but sometimes i'm sure i am.
current stbxWH has said it once in a while when we argue. i don't think i am but maybe? maybe this was just my "pet" being his usual cruel self?