Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Futurefear (43176)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N. P.D Thread - Part VI
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((itsabattle)))

(((lied2))))

oh my goodness you two! i am so grateful i don't deal with this w/DS.

the things these NPDs do to the kids.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8246 | Registered: Apr 2008
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He came home from visit and wigged out. I posted in DS forum. I'm throwing my hands up I the air now. He rages just like his father and he is big enough to be scary.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Lied2))))

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((lied2))) Is there any way you can get the visitation to his father stopped? or supervised? I know it provides you with some sort of break, but if his behavior improves, it might not be so necessary.

Have you also looked into the waiver program (or do you even have those in Canada)? Does your son have a developmental delay? If so, you may be able to get a respite worker to provide you with some relief.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow!

sending great big hugs, lied2!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Lied))))

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with so much at one time.

Not too, too much going on in my corner of NPD-land. STBXH was none too happy about my request for a custody evaluation, and then about a week later, he was notified that I was having his paycheck garnished for C/S. Poor him!


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7625 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, November 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My son get funding to for respite I just am having a terrible time finding anyone to take him. He is very difficult to work with at times and I used a fair bit of the money in the summer to give me a break.

I spent most of the day on the phone trying to shake something loose to help. The best I can do is take it day to day and see if I can get him a psych evaluation and maybe some different meds. Looks like my only options for that will be ER after they get home from the visit.

It is so peaceful here with him gone.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, November 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lied,
Enjoy the peace while you can. Let us know what happens at the ER. You are a wonderful mother for making sure that your son gets all the help that he can.

(((((Lied2)))))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7625 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, November 9th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted an update in DS.

It has been a really long weekend and some things have left me shaking my head in shock. My ex really is a total f-tard.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, November 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted in General about my friend who is struggling with an ex that is a real psycho. He is worse than mine and is up to no good.

Input is welcome.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, November 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lied - there is always somebody worse off.

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, November 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This guy is trying to sexualize her and make her feel like she is somehow defective because she doesn't meet the "standard" of behaviour that the fiance's daughter did. The reading material he bought he is nothing short of disgusting.

My friends feels that she must keep letting her daughter see him because of the court order. I think I may encourage her to get an appointment with a lawyer just to ease her mind that he has no chance of getting custody with his current and past behaviour.

The whole situation makes me


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
veelop5
♀ Member
Member # 11089
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, November 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a couple questions.. I use to post here about my NPD STBXH...I filed for divorce and I have been posting in general and D/S...I just wanted to know .. I have read on how to deal with NPD when you live with them and decide to stay..but what about once you divorce them and have children that you share...Do you still have to treat them so carefully...or can I finally say what I feel???...Do I have to be careful because of the kids?>..I am trying to get on with my life...I would hate to have to know that I have to be a different way with him..but I would for my children..


ME-38
XH-40
3 beautiful boys (20,19 & 15)
Update: Moved in to my own apartment 8/7/2012
Divorce final 3/27/2013

Posts: 1085 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Pennsylvania
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, November 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

V,
In most cases I think it is best to treat the NPD as if he doesn't exist. In other words, have as little to do with them as possible. Talk to him about the children and stick to the facts.

The problem with telling an NPD anything about yourself or anything personal (like how you feel) is they will take it, file it away and eventually use it against you. Or worse, he will completely misinterpret your feelings as "love." Then he'll be smug and tell everyone who will listen that "you still love him" and can't let go.

The best way to handle an NPD is with as little contact as possible. Leave them in the dark as much as possible. They are paranoid by nature and cannot stand being ignored. Most of the time (after an initial hissy-fit) they go away because they can't stand feeling so paranoid.

Good luck.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 2:54 PM, November 12th (Wednesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
betterdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 12309
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, November 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is very good advice.

I'm not very good at this...didn't know that my ex was NPD until I started reading here. I've been dealing with him for a very long time...two and a half years post S...and the advice is right on.

It is best to stick just to business...only about the children.

I do all my business with him via email. We cannot talk by phone or in person anymore because he is so abusive....for example...the last time we spoke he said that I upset him so much that I put his life at risk (he was on a cell phone on the highway).

Any other communication has to be done via lawyer unfortunately.

They are clearly so difficult to deal with that it is utter insanity.

[This message edited by betterdaysahead at 3:07 PM, November 12th (Wednesday)]


The best thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said. ☯

Posts: 13649 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Canada
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, November 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

for example...the last time we spoke he said that I upset him so much that I put his life at risk (he was on a cell phone on the highway).

Exactly. This is a perfect example. They turn EVERYTHING around. EVERYTHING is your fault. They are experts at playing the victim and dramatizing it to the max.

Communicating through email is great advice. That way you also have a paper trail to prove what was said when he plays victim and claims that YOU are abusing him.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
HappilyUnMarried
♀ Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, November 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys, I have to chime in and share my story. Lied2... all of you. I can so relate what you are going through.

What do you do when your DS15 is turning into a NPD? I am dying! Get rid of one, just to have another.

My story-- please read! It's long! Extra kuddos to you if you can stay with me and read the whole thing!

Background:
D-day was two years ago. Eventually (14 months later) I came to my senses and D'd him.

During the D process ex (then WH) moved to the "cool" part of town (expensive). So he could pay less CS. He was much farther away from us and the kids. OW has a horse farm. They split their time between the homes. He hasn't introduced her to the kids yet... I have it in the decree they can only introduce them a year after the D. The OWs ex (yes, "ex" because of A) said she is a narcissist too! They are apparently "on-again-off-again". Volatile. Can two NPDs stay together?

The D decree gives him custody Thur-Mon (school-to-school transfer) every other week. Thursday nights every week. He cancels (last minute) more than he takes them.

That's the basics, now for my DS15 situation.

DS was the "chosen" child of my ex his whole life. He put everything into that kid (my other two girls - not so much). My son is a gifted athlete so my ex put him on a pedestal. He coached him, etc... they were very close.

Then D-day happened. My son was 14 at the time. He knew right away (DS likes to eavesdrop). We didn't know DS "knew all" for 4 months!

When we found out that DS "knew" about his dad my ex blamed me for "exposing" the kids to adult situations. I was an awful mother! I never exposed them, they found out on their own!

After 4 months of horrible disrespect, false Rs, lying, deception, etc.. I kicked ex out for good.

My kid - who used to get A's and B's in school started getting D's and F's.

Then he was accused of having a weapon at school - unfairly. But it happened at the same time as the Virginia Tech shooting incident so my lawyer told me to just take the punishment - he didn't want to draw attention to my case. Bad timing. I hired the lawyer (thousands of dollars), had to go to court and my son got expelled. No tolerance policy. I had to check my son into Juvie for 6 weeks and take him there daily (45 minutes ride each way). Where was WH (ex)? Traveling all over the world with OW. Eating out. Socializing. Ignoring everything. It was all on my shoulders -- and I was still reeling from the effects of the A at that time. I was a mess. I lost 30 pounds.

When my son got out of Juvie he was even more angry. He hit me, threw things at me. When I asked ex to come get him from the home he actually said "It's your problem... you are a bad parent... you made me move out. Your fault! You deal with it!".

Meanwhile he was using our money to take OW to Europe, Asia, NYC, San Fransisco, Florida... everywhere! Having the time of his life. I was beyond the beyond.

My DS kept on abusing me, breaking things out of anger and threatening his two sisters. We were walking on eggshells. I got rid of one NPD to replace him with another!

We still weren't D... I had so much going on I hadn't even filed yet. I was still hoping he would change and "see the light".

My ex would occasionally take the kids sporadically for a weekend. But if I had something planned he would "conveniently" have a business trip come up suddenly so my plans would be spoiled. I couldn't dare to leave DS alone! I needed a break, he wouldn't let me have one. About that same time my DD17 decided never to talk to my ex again. She caught him talking to his OW when he said he was "done" with her. She saw what a liar he was all by herself. My DD never forgave him. Of course that was MY fault again. Alienation. I exposed her. My DD is the one that CAUGHT ex in the act!!!!

Ex was still living the high life with OW. He blamed me for alienating his kids, and kicking him out. Played the victim with his friends and family. He can be quite convincing.

Every time I asked him for help with disciplining my DS, he'd say "fuck you, you made your bed lie in it!". But he would never put it in an email... only say it to me over the phone. What he emailed was different. He was protecting his ass for the actual D.

We eventually D'd (a separate, terrible ordeal). My son was still horrible to me. His grades were awful. He had no respect for me (F word all the time, violence, utter disrespect). His dad would do nothing but laugh and his DS knew it. He knew he could get away with everything. Never visited with his teacher, therapists. Nothing.

I tried everything over the next year. Put him in a mental hospital; but then he decided to behave there and got released without even a lick of medication. Took him to several therapists. He blamed me and his dad during the sessions and was totally disrespectful to them. Waste of time. DS15 refuses to take meds and if I try to make him, he finds a way to hide them in his mouth and then spit them out.

Right after the D in Feb I actually called the cops when DS struck me! They took him to jail. I had bruises. His dad says "that was stupid to call the cops, you ruined his sports career, your ruined his life, you are a loser and a failure of a parent. You will pay for this". Then he laughed an evil laugh and hung up. He left immediately to go with OW on a ski trip. I ended up having to bail DS out of jail (they made me), take him to a probation officer an hour drive each way each week for months, take him to court, paid all the fines, did all paperwork... still trying to raise 2 other kids and trying to find a job (I was a SAHM for 6 years). I will never call the cops again. It's counter-productive. Hurt me, didn't phase DS. Ex did not one thing to help. And there was not a thing I could do about it. I tried. I tried to get him involved. I couldn't. Ex just laughed.

Finally this past week DS kicked my DD17 in the face when she was driving him to school. DD was in tears, ran home, and DS refused to get out of the car. I had to get a neighbor force him out.

He has stolen from me, broken so many things, drank alcohol, stayed out all night, cussed at me every day, threw stuff at us, hit all of us, demeaned us, stolen my DDs car (he is only 15! No learner's permit even). He refuses to do chores and is purposely a slob. Throws his things on the floor. He will shit all over the toilet just to get to me. I can't handle it anymore. I set rules, he breaks them. Totally disrespectful. He's cruel.

When I ask my ex to help -- to take him -- he says "Fuck you, your fault. You alienated him from me. It's your problem. Take me to court and I will take ALL the kids -- and I then I will stop paying CS! Try me! Hehe" (he always adds hehe)

BTW, he made $250,000 before the D and I get much less than 10% of his salary CS (no Spousal) for all three kids and have a HUGE mortgage. I was a stay-at-home mom and now I am starting over -- making very little. I can't make ends meet. He lives in a $2500/mo. apartment and eats at fancy restaurants every night and travels with OW every other weekend.

This week my son was so mad he broke every picture frame in the house and some pottery on the stoop outside the house. My DDs were scared. I was too. I locked the doors and windows and told him never to return. He was no longer welcome in my house. I have to work full-time to keep our house. I can't do this anymore. I kicked my son out.

I told ex, who said he was "busy" and couldn't take him. I have no idea where DS spent the last few nights... and I don't care. It is peaceful in my house for the first time in years. Am I a terrible mother?

I heard he has been going to school but I also have heard today he received an in-school-suspension and a teacher called me about his disrespectful behavior. I also found out he flunked yet another class.

Oh please help! I need direction. Thanks to anyone who has gotten through my ramblings. I am at my wits end.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please!!!!

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 9:47 PM, November 12th (Wednesday)]


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.  Don’t make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, November 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG HappyUM you have been to hell and back.

I don't know if the child has a PD or conduct disorder or what. He certainly has alot of entitlement issues and is abusive. You can't live like that. Can they not find a group home for him?

I am dealing some behaviours like that from my 15 yr old but they are minor compared to that. I won't call the cops again because the next time he will get charged and then released back to me. It made me think "why bother"?


You have just the 2 kids?

The younger child is putting the older one in danger and that can't continue either. He needs serious help and I don't think you can be the one to give it. He is getting to the age when he has to take resonsibility for his actions and if he wants to mess up his life then so be it.

As for the financial piece, can you sell the house and get something you can manage with less income? Having to keep up a house that is too much can make recovery from a divorce difficult if not impossible. You put yourself at risk for losing the house totally. I am fortunate that I am able to manage with the resourses I have and not work much but it is hard. If I had a large morgtage or whatever then it would be far worse.

It is possible that your youngest has contacted his father is playing on his symathies. With him acting the way he is letting his father step in may be the only thing you can do. The child is living somewhere. He is going to school so you know he is still alive. You may want to tell them that he is not coming home. Hopefully they can help your son with the school piece with suspension etc. right now. It is a bit interesting that he accepted the suspension and stayed at school and didn't blow it off. That is a good thing atleast.

As for the ex and his blame game and psycho crap, learn to let it slide off your back. It can be really hard but we are only responsible for our actions and what other people think about it really doesn't matter. Your ex has done damage to the children and his relationship with them. It is really not your problem and nothing you can do will change it.

You said that your son used to be a good athlete and had good grade. He is capable so once he gets past some of this he has the ability to make something of himself. My 15 yr old is failing 3 (pysics, french -he is bilingual and american history) out of 4 classes. The other one (chemistry) he is getting 80 some. He is not working at school and doesn't seem to give a crap. He is gifted so none of us are impressed but he has to want to do the work. Nothing else is helping him. We offer him homework help, brib to pay him for marks etc. and he could care less. At some point he has to decide what he wants because with grades like this he will be in high school for 5 years and may not go to university at all (like he wants). This is his life and he does have some understanding of the decision he is making with his actions. As a mom it kills me to watch but I have no idea what else to try. We have teachers in the family and they all say that he has to want this otherwise we are wasting our breath. I am sure that his father not giving a crap doesn't help but this is my son's life so he has to face the consequences of his choices just like the rest of us. I hope he starts making better choices soon.

Oh and for what it is worth, I hope you ex gets really sick on his trips, maybe with stuff coming out both ends. He deserves it.


(((((HUGS))))))


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, November 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bastards.

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
veelop5
♀ Member
Member # 11089
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, November 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This saddens me... We always have to pick up the pieces while trying to cope ourselves...and they just pick up like nothing is wrong...My three boys are also very good students and athletes...I hope he doesn't ruing them.


ME-38
XH-40
3 beautiful boys (20,19 & 15)
Update: Moved in to my own apartment 8/7/2012
Divorce final 3/27/2013

Posts: 1085 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.